If You Love Me, Answer Me Softly
by Queen Tzahra
Summary: Modern AU: In New York City, you always run into either the last person you want to see, or the person you truly need to meet, like it's all written in the stars you can't see. Subaru, a deeply unhappy transplant from Tokyo, and Kamui, a drug dealer born and bred in New York, both need ways out. Will they find what they need in each other? SubaKam, SeiSub and FuuKam, among others.
1. Ghost

**Hello hello hello!**

How's everyone doing? Good? Great! Welcome, I'm absolutely thrilled to be here with this new story, though it feels sort of surreal after working on it solidly for four months. I owe so much to so many people for helping me actually pull this off. Firstly a HUGE thank you to my beta reader, she's been an absolute godsend. Second to my dear friends on Tumblr (you know who you are!) you guys are the best motivation ever, seriously. Third, to my amazing friend who wrote my summary for me because I'm hopeless at them! Lastly, my boyfriend has been wonderful throughout this process, letting me vent and scream at all hours of the night.

 **You are all amazing, and I'm so grateful. This wouldn't be possible without your support and encouragement.**

Anyway! A few words of explanation: The idea for this started off as a total joke between one of my friends and me. That scene in the X anime where Kamui and Fuuma walk past each other totally looks like a drug hand off, and as my friend and I were laughing about it my brain started going, "oh man that's an AU if ever I heard one..." I love absurd trash, I do.

All right let me shut up. Enjoy chapter 1!

* * *

Another day, another disagreement.

Subaru Sumeragi wasn't looking where he was going. Not that it mattered: the Financial District was a total maze at the best of times, but in the middle of the night after a fight with your boyfriend, it was especially impenetrable. "Are you intentionally stressing me out?" Seishiro had asked, eyebrows raised.

"No! I just…" but Subaru lost his words and looked away, angry with himself.

He lit a new cigarette, turned a corner and suddenly knew where he was. Zuccotti Park stretched down ahead of him, a sheet of concrete with strips of light sown throughout like luminous scars. Trees stuck out here and there, lonely and skinny and pale. The term "park" had rather a looser definition in New York, but it was at least quiet. Subaru chose a bench and sat down on it, shivering slightly in the early spring cold. He stared blankly at the ground, watching his cigarette smolder, its glowing end the only natural light. It was always too cloudy for stars, but would you be able to see them anyway? Not that Tokyo had been any different, but…

"Where are you going?"

"Out for more cigarettes." Subaru had left their apartment, knowing full well that no stores around here would be open this late. He assumed Seishiro knew that too, but he didn't try to dissuade him. He'd watched Subaru leave in silence, his head tilted to the side. Subaru threw the butt of his cigarette onto the ground and immediately lit another.

"You'll get a fine if you get caught with that in here." Subaru jumped and looked around. A young man in a suit with shiny black hair was perched on the bench next to him.

"I'm sorry?" The young man eyed his cigarette.

"If you get caught smoking in a park you get a fine," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh, right, I'm sorry," Subaru began, but the young man shook his head.

"No cops will be in this area now, and I won't tell anyone." Subaru snorted and took a defiant pull on his cigarette.

"What's your name?" The other asked, smiling.

"Subaru," he replied, taken aback.

"Su-ba-ru, like The Pleiades!" Subaru narrowed his eyes.

"Um, yes, exactly."

"I'm Kamui." He held out his hand, smiling, and Subaru shook it.

"I don't mean to be rude," he began, slowly, "but why-" Kamui shrugged.

"I just got off work and it seemed like you needed to talk to someone." Subaru snorted again.

"I suppose." He turned and looked Kamui in the face, which he realized suddenly, was beautiful. He felt suspicious, but, was there harm in telling this random, compassionate stranger anything when it was odds on they'd never see each other again? It wasn't like he had anyone else. Besides, Subaru did this for other people all the time. He sighed heavily. "Nothing's really wrong, just, relationship stuff," he said, evasively. Kamui nodded.

"Getting air?" Subaru shrugged.

"Not that he cares, he knows I'll come back." Subaru blushed at the self-disgust in his voice. He also felt self-conscious about already revealing he was in a relationship with another man. Kamui nodded, seeming not to care. "I do love him," Subaru continued, trying to reassure himself as much as Kamui, though why should he care what he thought at all?

"Well, yeah, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about it so much," Kamui replied, his tone kind rather than judgmental. Subaru smiled sadly back at him.

"I guess if I didn't I'd have just left?" Kamui shrugged.

"I don't know, I just met you, but I doubt you'd be doing this." Subaru appreciated the honesty.

"Where do you work that you're out this late?" He asked, finishing his cigarette and weighing the pros and cons of smoking another. Kamui waited, and Subaru felt he was being sized up.

"I was working at a party down by Battery Park," Kamui replied, in the same evasive tone as Subaru. "But it just ended and it's sort of okay out, so I figured I'd walk home. This area is so depressing though," he added, sadly.

"Really," Subaru agreed at once.

"Do you live around here?"

"Yes."

"That sucks." Subaru laughed.

"What do you do for work at parties?" He asked, appreciating the distraction of the conversation. Kamui looked him right in the face, again, sizing him up, before finally answering.

"I sell drugs."

"What?!" Kamui smiled, seemingly prepared for that reaction.

"Yeah, it's really not that interesting," Kamui assured him, and Subaru had no idea what to say to that. "What do you do?" Kamui asked, but was immediately distracted by his phone ringing. "I'm so sorry!" He exclaimed, exasperatedly, taking his phone from his pocket. "What's good?" He said into the phone, his voice deepening. "Yeah I've still got." Subaru's eyes widened as he watched. "Uh huh. No problem, see you soon!" Kamui ended the call and shoved his phone back in his pocket, rolling his eyes. "I've gotta go," he said, regretfully, before standing up and stretching. Subaru stood up too, still unable to say anything. "It was nice meeting you, Subaru," Kamui said, extending his hand.

"Likewise," Subaru replied, shaking it.

"Good luck with everything," Kamui continued, giving Subaru's hand a slight squeeze. Subaru's face grew warm.

"Thank you," he said, and he meant it. Kamui smiled, turned and hurried away. Subaru watched him until he turned a corner and was swallowed by a tiny, winding side street. ' _Well, yeah, otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about it so much._ ' He was right, Subaru supposed, deciding it was okay to go home. He retraced his steps. Fortunately he hadn't actually strayed that far from his apartment. He entered his unnaturally bright lobby and nodded at the doorman, who was distracted by a group of young woman in tight dresses and heels, all of whom seemed to be trying to get upstairs. They all seemed rather agitated by the whole thing, and Subaru wondered, absurdly, if they had been at Kamui's party.

He shook his head and walked to the end of the lobby to take an elevator up to the 15th floor. His insides clenched nervously as he stepped out into his hallway. It was quiet and rather eerie, his footsteps on the carpeted floor the only noise. His insides continued to squirm; it seemed whenever he was somewhere loud, he craved peace, and when he was somewhere quiet he craved noise and activity. ' _No wonder Seishiro finds me so frustrating_ ,' he thought, self-disgust filling his chest. He dug in the pocket of his coat for his keys and opened the door, feeling nervous. "I'm home," he called, cautiously, toeing his shoes off. He headed down the long, dark hallway to the living room and found Seishiro almost exactly where he'd left him, sitting on the couch, staring at his computer screen. Subaru stared at the back of Seishiro's head, waiting.

"Welcome back," he replied without turning around. "Did you get what you wanted?"

"Nowhere was open."

"Ahh." Seishiro continued to type on his keyboard and Subaru winced slightly. The seconds dragged by. "Go draw a bath," Seishiro said, finally. "I'll be there soon." Subaru waited a split second longer, his heart pounding, but nothing came, so he hurried through their bedroom into the bathroom. He flipped on the light, shut the door as quietly as possible and started to fill the tub, his mouth dry. Seishiro never got angry or showed overt aggression, but his cold indifference was worse. Subaru couldn't even remember what he'd done to set the original disagreement in motion, but he knew they'd ultimately just forget about it. Nothing ever got resolved, just ignored. Subaru disrobed, folding his clothes neatly before turning on the separate shower and stepping into it. He always felt so empty after disagreeing with Seishiro: all the guilt and anxiety about everything he'd done wrong ate away at him, and his anger at himself would burn shameful holes in his chest. All Subaru wanted was for Seishiro to refill that space, but lately…

Subaru grabbed the soap and began scrubbing himself clean, wishing he hadn't even bothered leaving. What was the point? He was rinsing himself off when he heard the door open, and his chest tightened painfully. Seishiro entered the room, bringing with him the same tension that had been so thick in the living room. Subaru held his breath and listened, hearing every single sound as Seishiro undressed and stepped into the shower behind him. "You're not upset at me, are you, Subaru?" He asked, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his chin on his shoulder. Subaru swallowed. "You know I hate when you're angry with me." Subaru shut his eyes.

"I'm not," he said, hating himself.

"I'm glad. I don't even know what that was all about, that's what hurts the most."

"I'm sorry!" Subaru exclaimed at once, feeling utterly horrible. He tried to turn around, but Seishiro held him firmly in place.

"I know," he breathed. "Go get in the bath." He let go of Subaru, who got out of the shower at once, an angry flush in his face. He turned off the water and slid into the bath, his hands shaking in anxiety. Minutes dragged by, then finally Seishiro shut off the shower. Out of the corner of his eye, Subaru watched Seishiro get into the bath. He slid up on top of him, hands gripping the edges of the tub, and Subaru finally looked him in the face.

"I love you," Seishiro said, quietly. It sounded like a threat, but Subaru felt the fear gripping his body loosen its hold.

"I love you too," Subaru replied, his mouth very dry. Seishiro just smiled impassively down at him.

"I know." He kissed Subaru, who responded at once, the anxiety draining out of him as he wrapped his arms around Seishiro's neck, drawing enormous comfort from the contact. His mind was still racing, and out of nowhere he saw Kamui in front of him, squeezing his hand, eyes shining in the darkness, wishing him luck. Subaru couldn't help but feel enormously grateful to him as he and Seishiro got out of their bath to move to their bed. They ended the night making love, and Subaru fell asleep on his side, Seishiro's arm curled protectively around him.

' _Good luck with everything!_ '

* * *

"Who's texting you?"

"Huh? I don't care." Kamui rolled over onto his side and stretched like a sleepy cat. He looked up at Fuuma reclining against his pillows, smoking and radiating a cool satisfaction. Kamui's phone buzzed on the bedside table again, but he continued to ignore it. Fuuma looked down at him, the corner of his mouth lifting teasingly. A flush crept up Kamui's chest, neck and face; it was like Fuuma could force blood to the surface of his skin.

"You're so fucking cute sometimes," Fuuma told him, and Kamui's blush deepened. Fuuma took one last drag on his cigarette before putting it out. "I need you uptown this weekend," he said. Kamui rolled his eyes: he hated when Fuuma brought up work in these situations.

"Where?" He asked, his tone sulky. Fuuma raised his eyebrows and Kamui backed down at once. "Where?" He asked again, sounding curious this time. Fuuma smiled.

"96th and Riverside Drive. A CTO I know is having a work party at his apartment, so think coked out businessmen and their Xanax popping wives." Like a doctor reviewing an intake form, Kamui considered the information.

"Won't they already be doped up?" He asked, slowly.

"Probably, but that's not _my_ fucking problem," Fuuma replied simply. "Come here before and I'll load you up." Kamui nodded, his insides twisting nervously. Fuuma placed his fingers under Kamui's chin, lifting his gaze up. "Good?" He asked, smiling. Kamui blushed, feeling that _pull_ , and nodded. "Good." Fuuma kissed him and climbed back on top of him. Kamui moaned softly and wrapped his arms around Fuuma's neck, his head spinning…

"I'll see you Saturday," Kamui told Fuuma some time later. He was standing in front of Fuuma's elevator, which opened right into his apartment. Fuuma was leaning against his kitchen counter, dressed only in a pair of sweatpants, watching Kamui carefully tuck the neat packages of weed into his bag.

"Mmm." Kamui kept his eyes averted as he pressed the down button, a faint blush in his face and neck. He extricated his headphones from his bag, plugged them into his cellphone and tucked them behind his ears, still feeling Fuuma's eyes on him. The elevator chimed its arrival and the door slid open. Kamui stepped into it, but quick as a flash, Fuuma appeared on the threshold, one strong arm holding the door open. He grabbed the back of Kamui's head with his other hand and pulled him into one last, heavy kiss. Kamui gasped in surprise, then groaned softly as Fuuma thrust his tongue into his mouth. After a few seconds, or maybe minutes? Hours? Fuuma pulled away, still cupping the back of Kamui's head. "See you Saturday," he breathed, and all Kamui could do was moan. Fuuma withdrew and the elevator door closed, leaving Kamui to stare at his flushed, spent reflection. He swallowed, put on his headphones and chose a song without paying much attention. The elevator descended slowly and opened into the tiny lobby. Kamui nodded at the doorman and exited the building, emerging onto a very busy 14th St.

Kamui turned to walk back east, but paused, looking up at the floor to ceiling windows of Fuuma's apartment. His lights were off. Kamui sighed heavily and started walking, shivering slightly. It was that time in early spring where you could feel the weather wanting to be warm, but it was still cold enough that you needed more than the hoodie he was wearing. It was nearly dark; the sun had almost set over the Hudson behind him, covering the city in a blue-black half-light.

Kamui weaved in and out of the swarming crowds. Everyone was enjoying one of the first sort of nice days after a very cold winter, seemingly untroubled, with normal jobs and normal problems. Again, Kamui sighed heavily as he turned right on 8th Avenue, deciding he didn't feel like dealing with the L train. He had been feeling so safe and satisfied, lying next to Fuuma in his comfortable bed in his luxurious apartment. Until, of course, he'd started talking business. Kamui shoved his hands in his pockets, emptiness spreading in his chest as he headed down Greenwich Avenue. He supposed he had no right to expect anything different; this was what he got hooking up with his… boss? Drug supplier? Whatever.

The restaurants on Greenwich Avenue were crowded and even more people were outside waiting to get in. Kamui checked his phone, trying not to look. A message from a customer, but, his heart leapt, one from Sorata, his best friend. " **What are you doing Saturday, dude?** "The emptiness in his chest ached as he replied.

" **Working :(** **I'm free Friday, though!** " He changed the song he was listening to as he turned left onto Waverly Place and headed into Washington Square Park, taking a path lined with tables painted like chessboards. Kamui passed a pair of older men arguing at one of these, heading towards the empty fountain in the very center of the park. The central area was full of people: tourists taking selfies with the Arch, NYU kids hanging out in large chattering groups, elderly people on benches and a hoard of crusties with their pitbulls monopolizing an entire corner. Kamui felt his phone go off and paused to read Sorata's response.

" **Shit man I can't. Next weekend instead?** "

" **Fuck yes! Friday?** " He returned his phone to his pocket, his spirits lifting, but then jumped at a tap on his shoulder.

"Relax, it's me!"

"Holy shit, dude, you scared me!" Kamui exclaimed, turning to face his friend, Yuzuriha, and hugging her awkwardly. She giggled.

"Sorry!" They broke apart. "What's up, how are you?" She asked, beaming.

"Same shit, dude," Kamui replied, tucking his headphones behind his ears. "What's up with you?" Yuzuriha mimed shooting herself in the face.

"Midterms are all due next week, it's terrible!" Kamui groaned sympathetically, and she sighed theatrically. "It's what I signed up for! I just wish I had more time to see you guys!" Her eyes shown sadly and Kamui nodded in agreement.

"Could you take a break and come hang out Friday after next? Sorata was texting me with tentative plans." Yuzuriha's expression brightened.

"Yeah probably, as long as I don't have to work!" Kamui's spirits soared. "Anyway I need to go to Bobst, I'm sorry, I just wanted to say hi!"

"No doubt." They exchanged another hug and Yuzuriha hurried towards the library on the other side of the park. Kamui smiled as he watched her go, returning his headphones to his ears. He retrieved his phone to find another text from Sorata.

" **Sounds good! Come through early, I'll text you before with details and stuff** " Kamui's smile widened. He felt in much better spirits: the prospect of seeing his friends made the upcoming weekend less repellent. He continued on his way, feeling the noise and energy of the crowds wash over him, urban ocean waves, but he resisted their pull. He could get washed away another day.

He left the park and headed south, then further and further east. The buildings became smaller, more old fashioned and far less luxurious, but much more comfortable. He thought of his job this weekend, 96th and Riverside Drive, probably even nicer than Fuuma's apartment, which took up the entire floor and of the building. Even after all this time, Kamui still found it intimidating. Not that he let people see him intimidated: he wasn't scared of people, just places. He always thought it was weird, but Fuuma said it made him good at his job.

"You have to be whatever or whoever your customer needs you to be," Fuuma had said, seriously. Kamui swallowed, but Fuuma had smiled his enigmatic smile. "I want to make you my protégé," he'd said, caressing the side of Kamui's face. Kamui had flushed with pleasure, and Fuuma continued, "You're so pretty…"

A car horn sounded suddenly right next to Kamui, wrenching him back to the present. He was on his street already with no idea when it had happened. He pushed his bangs out of his eyes, noticing how warm his face was, and doing his utmost to stay focused. He crossed the street and dug his keys out of his bag to open the grimy door between a bodega and a liquor store. He climbed the stairs to the fifth floor and opened the door to his apartment, the small two bedroom he'd once lived in with his mother. He kicked off his shoes and bolted the door before throwing his bag on the floor of his living room and flopping down onto his couch. He kept his headphones on and cellphone clutched in his hand, but didn't bother to turn on the light.

Although Kamui had seen Yuzuriha and made plans with Sorata, at that moment he felt so lonely. He tried to recall his afternoon with Fuuma, his warm weight, strong arms around him, soft kisses and sharp bite… Kamui groaned and rolled over onto his side, curling up into a ball. He wondered what Fuuma was up to; whether he was seeing other employees or doing more mysterious work he refused to talk about. Kamui often wondered if Fuuma ever thought about him this way, and then hated himself for how much he hoped he did. Not that his feelings for Fuuma went beyond anything physical. They couldn't! But, what if he wasn't his boss?

Kamui stared unseeingly across the room, remembering that guy, Subaru, he'd met in Zuccotti Park the night before. Would he and Fuuma argue that way? Forcing him to get air and calm down? He shouldn't even be thinking about it. Righteous anger surged suddenly and unexpectedly in Kamui's chest. Why hadn't Subaru's boyfriend chased after him? Kamui liked to think that Fuuma would chase him, but who the fuck knew. "I do love him," Subaru had said, and Kamui had waited for the "…but," but none came. Sighing, Kamui opened an app on his phone to order dinner, hoping Subaru was okay.

* * *

And so ends chapter 1! I hope you liked it! New chapters every week, see you in a few days!

 **I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	2. Guide

**Welcome back, everybody! I hope you all had awesome weeks. Anyone watching Mr. Robot season 2? Oof!**

Anyway, sorry, let me focus. It's good to be back with chapter 2! I realize in the first chapter not much happened and it was total exposition, so here, have some actual plot. Um, not much else to say really, I'll let the chapter speak for itself.

Enjoy chapter 2!

* * *

"Is this okay, what I'm wearing?" Subaru asked, studying his reflection self-consciously. Across the room, Seishiro finished selecting a tie and tying it before looking over.

"Of course," he said, as if it were obvious. His eyes were narrowed, and Subaru flushed.

"Sorry," he muttered, looking away.

"You can stay here, if you want," Seishiro continued, coldly. Subaru said nothing, continuing to adjust his shirt. Seishiro walked over to him, placed his fingers under his chin and turned his head towards him. Subaru inhaled shakily, staring into Seishiro's face, his expression as unreadable as ever. They stared at each other, the seconds dragging by, until Seishiro leaned forward and kissed Subaru on the lips. "Stop?" He requested, when he pulled away. Subaru swallowed, then nodded. Seishiro smiled. "This party is just for show, anyway," he said. Subaru inhaled Seishiro's aftershave and bit his lip. "So stop thinking about it so much." Seishiro let go of Subaru and turned to put on his suit jacket. A slight shiver ran through Subaru's body as he gathered his phone, wallet and cigarettes. "Just make a good impression." Yet again, Subaru nodded, watching. Seishiro turned back to him. "Come," he said, imperiously, and they headed out the door.

* * *

Kamui turned up his music to drown out the incoherent ramblings of a homeless man pacing up and down the train car. He felt both totally out of place and ridiculously sexy in the suit he was wearing. Fuuma had said he liked it when he'd stopped by his apartment. He smiled as he remembered, rubbing his jacket pocket, full of the pills he'd be trying to sell. The C train crawled uptown and the homeless man continued to pace. No one gave him any money.

* * *

Subaru and Seishiro boarded the 1 train at Rector Street, the closest stop to their apartment. They sat next to each other, tense and quiet. The train rolled slowly through the ruined Cortlandt Street station, wrapped in plastic, full of dust and eerily lit by floodlights. Subaru inhaled sharply, the very air here seemed saturated with fear and sadness. He swallowed and closed his eyes, trying to stay focused, and Seishiro took his hand. "You feel it?" He asked, quietly. Subaru nodded, squeezing Seishiro's hand. "We'll be away from here soon." Again, Subaru nodded, grateful Seishiro was there. He mentally chanted a mantra of protection, but didn't feel better until they were above 14th Street.

* * *

Kamui got off the C at 96th Street and headed west, away from Central Park and towards the setting sun. A cold wind caught him across the face and he shivered, longing for the warm summer evenings that still felt far away. He crossed Columbus Avenue and changed the song he was listening to, trying to gather his confidence and get centered. It was like preparing to perform on stage. Tonight he was Kamui Shirou, mysterious young techie with a fistful of painkillers: charismatic and engaging! Kamui swallowed the rush of self-disgust. Compartmentalize, compartmentalize!

The person hosting the party was a CTO of some financial company, and apparently was doing it just because he could. Of course, people like that never stopped working: there would be deals being made, alliances forming and breaking. It wasn't unlike Kamui's line of work, but he figured it'd be way less volatile. He crossed Amsterdam Avenue, then Broadway, then West End and finally arrived at Riverside Drive. There was a huge traffic jam on the West Side Highway, but beyond it the Hudson River looked beautiful, shimmering in the cold evening light. Again, Kamui swallowed as he found the correct address and entered the building through ornate stained glass doors. Ignoring a visceral spasm of intimidation, Kamui approached the doorman, surreptitiously taking off his headphones. "Going up to the top floor?" He asked.

"How'd you guess?" Kamui countered, flashing him a smile. The doorman returned it mechanically.

"Go on up."

"Thank you." Kamui stepped into the elevator and pressed the button ostentatiously labeled "Penthouse." The doors opened, and he found himself in the hallway of an absolutely amazing apartment, all dark woods and lush fabrics, with a real piano in the corner of the living room. He looked around and immediately spotted who he must be the hosts: an older man and woman, greeting two men in dark suits. Kamui slipped into the apartment before anyone could notice him, then seized a flute of champagne from a passing waiter. Clutching it as a prop, he surveyed the partygoers with a professional interest. With the exception of a few older couples, the crowd was younger than he'd expected, though still older than he was. A teenaged girl, probably someone's daughter, was eyeing him from her sulky seat on one of the sofas. Kamui immersed himself in the crowd to eavesdrop. He smiled when appropriate, but never drew attention to himself.

* * *

"Your apartment is beautiful," Subaru told the hostess. She smiled at him almost hungrily and patted his arm.

"Aren't you sweet!" She exclaimed, looking him up and down. Subaru bowed his head, smiling graciously but feeling desperately awkward. Her husband continued speaking to Seishiro, who answered in that deeply unsettling way that was so familiar to Subaru: gentle on the surface but with _something_ simmering just beneath. It could be threatening, passionate or seductive, depending on the conversation. The hostess grabbed Subaru by the arm and he looked to Seishiro for what to do. Seishiro nodded, smiling, and Subaru allowed her to pull him away into the crowd.

Across the room, Kamui watched this exchange with narrowed eyes. If the hostess was that easily swayed by a young man, this would be cake. That poor guy, who Kamui assumed was someone's plus one, seemed totally uncomfortable even from this distance. In the mean time, Kamui approached the piano. The man playing it was taking a break, standing next to it and looking resigned. "That song was beautiful," Kamui told him. He smiled rather stiffly.

"Chopin," he said, sipping on a glass of water.

"How'd you get stuck at a gig like this?" Kamui asked discreetly, looking around the room with distaste.

"I teach their daughter piano," he replied, eyeing the teenaged girl, who was making every appearance of wanting to come over. Before she could work up the nerve, Kamui told the pianist bye for now and disappeared back into the crowd.

Subaru was surrounded by a crowd of middle-aged women and felt like he was on display. He smiled politely, determined to do well for Seishiro, even though he felt terribly awkward.

"Own-me-oh-gee?" The hostess asked, betraying a Long Island accent. Subaru nodded, smiling, craving cigarettes and silence.

"What exactly does that mean?" Another woman asked, kissing the rim of her champagne flute, eyes as wide as she could make them with her forehead full of Botox. Subaru paused, he still hadn't figured out how best to explain what he did to people outside of Japan.

"I, well, I practice esoteric Buddhism and I perform rituals." An excited "Ooh!" passed around the circle and Subaru smiled graciously. "It's not that interesting, really," he assured them. "Here most of my work is blessing apartments when people move." He suddenly remembered Hokuto telling him in no uncertain terms that his talent would be wasted in the US. He kept talking to suppress the memories. "There's a lot of weird energy in New York apartments!" The knot of women around him laughed appreciatively.

"So like, could you do that to my apartment?" One of them asked at once.

"Certainly, are you having any specific problems or…?" Subaru knew she didn't, but feigning concern was essential. However, before she could respond, the CTO called out to gather everyone's attention, apparently intending to make a speech. Subaru's audience turned to watch and the hostess scurried up to join him. Subaru felt Seishiro behind him, sneaking his arm around his waist.

"Good job," he breathed, right into his ear. Subaru smiled, the praise massaging the tension and awkwardness out of his chest. He wanted to kiss Seishiro, or hold his hand, but wasn't sure it would be allowed.

Kamui watched the CTO's speech politely, tucking the cash the pianist had given him into his pocket. He permitted himself a sip of champagne, paying no attention to the speech but joining in with the sudden outbreak of applause. The speech continued and Kamui slipped around the crowd so he'd be closer to the hostess. He tried to remain as invisible as possible, but did a double take as he looked out over the crowd.

In the sea of unfamiliar, nondescript faces, he saw Subaru, the guy he'd met in Zuccotti Park. He was watching the speech with polite interest, standing next to an older man with glasses and a penetrating smile. ' _That must be his boyfriend… Why the fuck didn't I recognize him before?! Oh god if he sees me that's a problem…_ ' Applause broke out again and Kamui jumped, but joined in at once, trying to pay attention. Without meaning to, he looked back at Subaru, just as he turned away from his boyfriend and looked Kamui right in the face. ' _FUCK_.' Subaru also did a double take, then understanding blazed in his face. ' _FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK._ ' Kamui turned away and by the grace of god was easily able to sneak into the hostess's conversation. She looked Kamui up and down, immediately distracted.

"Congratulations," he said, though he had no idea if that was the right thing to say. Apparently he'd guessed well, because she beamed.

"Thank you! I'm so excited!" She gushed. Kamui could tell she was drunk, though adept at hiding it. Around them the party had begun to pick up: people were grabbing drinks and the piano music had started again.

"Your husband is lucky to have such a supportive wife," Kamui continued. She pressed a hand to her chest, the skin leathery from years of sun exposure.

"You're sweet," she told him, looking him up and down again.

"Just honest," Kamui assured her.

On the other side of the room, Subaru's palm was so slippery he was having trouble holding his champagne steady. That had definitely been Kamui, the guy from Zuccotti Park, and he knew what he must be doing here, though he couldn't believe it. Subaru's mind spun and he wondered what to do. He couldn't approach him, that much he knew, but what were the odds?! Did Seishiro know Kamui or why he was here? What if he found out? Subaru's heart pounded and he fought to maintain composure. He watched Kamui and the hostess exchanging conversation before heading off together down a hallway. Subaru took a gulp of champagne and started when Seishiro put a hand on his lower back. "About a year?" Seishiro said to Subaru, who realized he hadn't heard _any_ of the conversation he was actually supposed to be a part of.

"I'm sorry, what?" Subaru asked, his eyes widening. Seishiro smiled in amusement, though Subaru felt the spasm of his displeasure and swallowed. Everyone around them smiled too.

"I just asked how long you'd been together," prompted one of the women who'd been interrogating Subaru earlier.

"Oh! I'm so sorry, a year, isn't it?" Subaru looked to Seishiro, who nodded. Everyone around them smiled indulgently. Subaru wondered how long the women around them had been with their husbands and prayed advice wasn't coming.

"Did you meet here?" Another woman asked.

"We met in Tokyo," Subaru answered at once, determined to make up for his lapse, wrenching his mind away from whatever Kamui was doing. Seishiro's hand was still on his lower back, stiff, stuck. "Seishiro was going back and forth, but when he had to come here to stay I offered to go with him and he said yes, so…" Subaru smiled, and everyone around him mirrored the gesture.

"I have to go back in two weeks by myself, I'm dreading it," Seishiro added, sadly. Subaru's heart leapt into his throat.

"What?" He asked, sharply. Seishiro raised his eyebrows and Subaru felt another spasm of displeasure.

"I told you about it on the train ride up here, don't you remember?" Seishiro's eyes darkened and his hand tensed against Subaru's lower back. Subaru's breath caught in his chest and he backed down at once.

"Oh, right, you did, I'm sorry," he said, doing his utmost to sound normal.

"He's all over the place," Seishiro said, apologetically to the surrounding crowd, who laughed. Subaru's face burned and he tried to join in.

"I'm going to get another drink," he told Seishiro, unable to look him in the face. As he hurried away, he heard Seishiro say,

"He's fine, don't worry." Subaru gripped his empty champagne glass so tightly his knuckles were white. Seishiro hadn't told him anything about going to Tokyo, had he? He wracked his memory, even though he was sure he'd find nothing. In two weeks he'd be leaving, how long had he known? Why hadn't he mentioned it before? The hurt burned in Subaru's throat, but he wouldn't get this upset. Was it even that big a deal anyway? Seishiro must have told him and he'd forgotten, he was all over the place after all… but he'd have remembered something that important! He couldn't get upset, Seishiro would be furious.

"Can I make you a drink?"

"What?" Subaru found himself at the makeshift bar across the room from the piano. The woman behind it, wearing the same unflattering uniform as everyone serving champagne, smiled at him.

"Would you like a drink?"

"Yes," Subaru replied firmly, though he felt guilty. He shouldn't be drinking and hiding, he should be talking to Seishiro about Tokyo, but, as that didn't seem to be allowed…

"What can I get you?"

"Um, I have no idea, I'm sorry…" He began, very awkwardly, but she smiled understandingly and started pouring different liquors into a cocktail shaker.

"You can put that here," she added, eyeing his empty champagne glass.

"Oh, thank you," he said, placing it on the bar and shoving his hands into the pockets of his suit jacket. The bartender shook the cocktail shaker and turned to someone right next to Subaru.

"Can I get you anything?" Subaru turned and was startled to find Kamui right next to him, looking deeply satisfied about something.

"I'm cool, thank you though," Kamui said. He looked at Subaru, who turned away, having no idea what to say or do. The bartender poured Subaru's drink and handed it to him. "What did you get?" Kamui asked. Subaru looked uncertainly at the bartender, who smiled reassuringly.

"Don't worry about it," she told him. Before Subaru could reply, Kamui asked,

"Do you want to go outside for a second? Get some air?"

"Good idea. Thank you," Subaru added to the bartender. He didn't look for Seishiro as he followed Kamui through a sliding glass door onto a small concrete terrace covered in potted plants. A few guests were standing in a corner, talking and laughing loudly, huddled against the very cold wind blowing right off the river. Subaru felt goose bumps rise on his arms, but it was a relief to be away. He took a sip of his drink and shuddered.

"Are you okay?" Kamui asked him from far away.

"What? Yes I'm fine," Subaru replied in a rush, and Kamui sensed his discomfort.

"It's cool," he said, very quietly. "I'm not working now, I just wanted to talk to you before I left."

"Me?" Subaru continually sipped on his drink out of nerves, and Kamui nodded.

"That was your boyfriend? The guy I saw you with?" He asked. Subaru nodded. The alcohol burned his throat and seemed to intensify the hurt in his chest.

"He-" Subaru began, but swallowed the rest of his drink instead and set his glass on the ledge of the terrace. He reached into his pocket for his cigarettes, then remembered they were in his coat pocket, which was hanging in a closet inside. Kamui, looking concerned, reached into a pocket of his own suit jacket, pulled out a carton of cigarettes and offered it to Subaru. Subaru looked from them, to Kamui's face, and back, the kindness threatening to overwhelm him. He extracted one from the packet and Kamui lit it for him. Subaru took a deep inhale and finally began to feel calm, though the effect of his drink was still intensifying.

"Better?" Kamui asked, though he still looked worried. Subaru took another deep pull on the cigarette.

"Are, are you here for…?" Subaru asked, very quietly.

"I told you I was, please be quiet," Kamui hissed, his gaze burning. Subaru had had the good sense not to make a big deal before, what had happened? "Really though," Kamui continued. "Are you okay? I know you aren't freaking out just because of me." Subaru laughed humorlessly and sucked hard on his cigarette.

"No," he said, finally. "My boyfriend is going to Tokyo on business, but he didn't tell me until we're with all these people, then he acts like it's my fault for not knowing!" Subaru looked surprised at his tone and returned to his cigarette. "I mean, he said he told me, I probably just forgot," he muttered, looking away from Kamui. The drink had raised a bright red flush to his skin.

"Still though, it seems like you were the last to know, and that sucks," Kamui said, reasonably. Subaru finished his cigarette.

"It does, and he's going to be angry with me for getting upset about it," Subaru said bitterly, swallowing the lump in his throat. His mind was getting fuzzy, and he felt like he couldn't stop the words, as much as he hated saying all of this out loud. Why was he telling Kamui all this, anyway? Was he really that desperate for someone to talk to? Kamui held out the cigarette carton again and Subaru eyed it longingly. "Are you sure? I feel bad…" His eyes shown suddenly in the warm light from inside the party, and Kamui noticed they were green.

"Don't feel bad," he said, kindly. Subaru took one and Kamui smiled as he lit it for him. "I don't smoke these anyway; I can't smoke what I want to smoke up in here." Subaru snorted, and Kamui's heart swelled, he liked seeing Subaru laugh. "Honestly though, I think you have every right to be upset in this situation," Kamui continued.

"Thanks," Subaru said. "It's always like this, I should just get used to it." Kamui toyed with the idea of pointing out Subaru could stand up for himself, but decided against it. "Is it safe for us to be talking?" Subaru asked. He was getting drunker, but his wide eyes (wow they really were green!) and deep blush made him look strangely innocent.

"For me or for you?" Kamui asked.

"For you! Don't worry about me!" Subaru exclaimed, as though it were obvious.

"It's cool, seriously," Kamui replied, though he appreciated the concern. Subaru nodded, smoking.

"The worst thing about Seishiro being gone is I'll be by myself," Subaru said, before he could stop himself. Worried he'd said too much, he looked at Kamui, this strange and beautiful person, so kindly listening.

"By yourself?" Kamui asked, a little sadly. His gaze burned, and Subaru felt his heart in his throat.

"Yeah, I, I don't really know anyone here, everyone is back in Tokyo…" He took a pull on his cigarette, blinking furiously.

"That really sucks," Kamui said, and Subaru shrugged.

"It is what it is, I chose to leave." As he said this, he wondered if he'd been able to go back to Tokyo with Seishiro, would Hokuto even want to see him? He swayed slightly, and Kamui grabbed his cigarette free hand to steady him.

"Careful," he said, warningly. They looked at each other for a few seconds, but said nothing. Then Kamui let go and shoved his hands in his pockets while Subaru finished his cigarette. "You could come hang out with me and my friends sometime," Kamui said in a rush, feeling awkward for the first time that night. Subaru looked him full in the face, not sure he'd heard correctly. Kamui bit his lip, but smiled encouragingly. "Seriously! My friends are cool as hell. Plus they're in different lines of work, so…" Subaru said nothing. "Here, take my number."

"Really?" Kamui nodded.

"Yeah! I mean, we mostly just hang out and play videogames, but…" Subaru retrieved his cellphone from his pocket, created a new contact and handed it to Kamui, who smiled. "You're gonna text me, right?" He asked, punching in his number and handing the phone back to Subaru, ignoring a twinge of annoyance at the lock screen, Subaru and his boyfriend, somewhere looking happy. Subaru smiled at his phone, and Kamui's heart swelled.

"I'll text you, don't worry," Subaru said, and Kamui knew he meant it.

"I should go," He said, though it pained him to do so. Subaru nodded in an understanding sort of way.

"Seriously, text me or I'll worry!" Kamui said, and Subaru's eyes widened.

"Ah! No, please don't!" Kamui took Subaru's hand and shook it, smiling.

"Good luck with everything," he said, giving Subaru's hand one last squeeze. He let go, turned away, and slipped back into the party.

Subaru stood there, watching the teenaged daughter cross her arms in frustration as she lost sight of Kamui. Subaru stared at his phone for a few seconds before unlocking it, intending to send Kamui a text, but the door slid open and he jumped.

Seishiro stood on the threshold and Subaru felt his insides clench with dread, even as his mind remained drunk and fuzzy. Seishiro stepped towards him, slowly, deliberately, his gaze impassive but his eyes flashing. "Come inside, it's freezing," he said, softly. Subaru gripped his phone painfully hard and hurried to Seishiro's side. Seishiro put his arm around him, making him shudder, and led him back into the party. Immediately, Subaru realized Seishiro was right; his hands were numb and he was shivering. Had Kamui really stayed outside with him all that time? "I know you're upset," Seishiro breathed, right in his ear, "but you'll have to stick it out." There was no comfort, validation or understanding. Just a cold statement of fact, and Subaru hated it.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't." Subaru's throat constricted painfully and he nodded, feeling terribly guilty. His drunk brain wanted him to pick, pursue, but he could wait until they were back on the train. He could at least do that for Seishiro.

* * *

Kamui felt the familiar rush of adrenaline as he emerged outside the apartment. It was always an enormous relief to finish jobs like this, although he still felt caught between himself and the person he was playing at the party, which made him aggressive and impatient. He got stuck waiting for the light at Amsterdam Avenue and kicked an empty coffee cup out of his way to blow off steam. An old lady with a walker gave him a dirty look and he sighed heavily, rocking on the balls of his feet and changing the song on his phone. He hoped for a text from Subaru, but saw nothing.

The light changed, and Kamui crossed the street, now feeling anxious on top of everything else. ' _It's barely been fifteen minutes, chill the fuck out_ ,' he told himself irritably. Why was he so preoccupied anyway? He barely knew this person, except that seeing someone that upset was, well, pretty upsetting. Kamui changed the song in his phone again. Still nothing. He sighed again, the adrenaline slowly leaking out of his brain. He couldn't even _pretend_ to be any kind of authority on relationships, but it seemed like Subaru spent a great deal of time with his boyfriend worrying, and he didn't like that. Of course, he had only met Subaru twice and had seen him and his boyfriend together for about ten seconds, but still…

Kamui found himself back at the train station and checked his phone one last time, but still nothing from Subaru. He entered the train station, feeling defeated. It was a sad mass of concrete, full of groups of chattering young men and women and homeless people asleep on all the benches. Kamui leaned against a pillar, his heart still beating rather fast.

At least he was able to sell his entire stock quickly and be out: the hostess had bought everything he hadn't sold to the pianist. Of course, this was after she'd dragged him around the apartment, drunkenly showing off the "pre-war details" and touching him more often than was necessary. Kamui didn't care, he just hoped her husband wasn't about to come in and see them. Now he wasn't looking at her through his exploitative professional lens, however, Kamui did feel sorry for her. As they were performing the transaction, she had explained all about how doctors had begun tracking prescriptions for things like Xanax and OxyContin and Percocet with electronic records, so it was no longer possible to get doses from more than one doctor. Kamui had expressed his sympathy and given her Fuuma's work number, telling her to text it when she needed more. Now, though, he wondered if she was an addict. He hoped she knew how to keep herself from doing any real harm until someone forced her into rehab. Not her husband, he wouldn't notice her suffering, but her daughter might. As long as she wasn't as resentful towards them as she seemed.

A light shown suddenly at the end of the tunnel and Kamui straightened up. The A train, running local because of weekend construction, trundled slowly into the station, stopping three or four times before finally pulling in all the way. Kamui stepped onto the train, full of more young people in drunk, noisy hoards. He turned up his music, anxiety and agitation reverberating in his empty chest.

* * *

Subaru felt horrible. He wanted desperately to leave the party but knew it was far from an option. He stood faithfully by Seishiro, listening intently and politely answering people who spoke to him, until Seishiro said he was going to speak to the CTO and to leave him be.

Subaru slipped into a corner and watched the party continue around him. Though he was grateful no one was talking to him, he felt so lonely. Seishiro was angry with him, and it was all his fault, but now he wouldn't even talk to him or let him explain. Then again, this was how it always went, he should be used to it by now. He'd be acutely aware he'd done something wrong, though truthfully he wasn't always sure what, then immediately back down and apologize. He remembered a couple he'd seen on the train as he was coming home from a job, screaming every bitter resentful thing they could think of at each other. In a weird way, the raised voices and tears seemed preferable to Subaru, even though he hated fighting that way. The only person he would argue with like that was Hokuto. Their last fight had been so explosive it had left him crying as he packed his suitcase.

Subaru sighed heavily, the loneliness palpable. Was Seishiro planning a trip without telling him really such an issue? Couldn't they just go home and sleep next to each other and have it all be okay in the morning? Well, that would be up to Seishiro ultimately, but Subaru was more than ready to give up. He felt a sudden head rush of despair and swayed where he stood, but this time there was no Kamui to steady him. ' _Oh no_!' He'd completely forgotten to text Kamui! Subaru picked up his phone at once.

* * *

Kamui got off the train at 14th Street and began the long walk back east. His agitation echoed inside him with every step, but he did his best to stay focused, swerving around people walking too slowly. He felt his phone buzz suddenly and he retrieved it from his pocket, seeing an unfamiliar number.

" **I hope you're home safe, I'm sorry for the late text!** " The unsettled feelings in Kamui's chest stopped moving abruptly.

" **Almost home, don't worry about it. Are you still uptown?** " He saved Subaru's number and kept his phone held tightly in his hand, ready for his reply. ' _It's fine, I'm just worried_.' He crossed 6th Avenue, then 5th, finally feeling Subaru's response in his hand.

" **I'm still here… waiting for Seishiro to finish talking business** " Kamui rolled his eyes, feeling deeply for Subaru. There were times when he'd been at Fuuma's apartment, waiting to either be loaded up or fucked senseless, while he'd been on the phone or speaking to someone else. It was painful, and weirdly emotionally draining. Hoping he conveyed the depth of his sympathy, Kamui replied,

" **Fuck man I'm sorry! I hope you're out of there soon** " and changed the song he was listening to.

* * *

After who knows how long, Seishiro finally came to retrieve Subaru from his corner. "Let's go," he said imperiously, and Subaru nodded, his mouth rather dry. They headed back through the apartment, nodding and thanking and smiling, before collecting their coats and entering the elevator. The doors closed and the noise of the party was sharply cut in half. The tension between them tightened, and Subaru swallowed before asking,

"When exactly are you going to Tokyo?" He tried to keep his tone innocently curious. The elevator doors opened and they headed through the lobby and out onto 96th Street. It was even colder now and a spiteful wind skinned their hands and faces. Subaru shivered, waiting for Seishiro's answer, but he said nothing until they were inside the train station on Broadway. The platform was crowded with young people, drunk and enjoying themselves. Subaru chanced glances at Seishiro, his heart pounding, waiting.

"Who was that on the terrace you were talking to?" He asked, finally. Subaru's chest constricted around his pounding heart and he swallowed.

"Just someone's plus one," he replied, praying he wasn't blushing.

"Oh? Who was he with?"

"I, I don't remember, I'm sorry." Subaru's mouth had gone dry; the last thing he wanted was for Seishiro to investigate, find out who Kamui really was or what he was doing there.

"I'm glad you're making friends," Seishiro told him, smiling, though Subaru felt the threat underneath it. The 1 train finally arrived and they stepped onto it. There were no empty seats, so they stood gripping the same pole. Subaru wanted to hold Seishiro's hand or get some other kind of reassurance; this cold, silent irritation was painful and scary.

"I'm sorry," Subaru said softly, for it was the only thing he could think of to say. Seishiro raised an eyebrow.

"What for?" Subaru bit his lip.

"Just… aren't you mad at me?"

"No, should I be?" 86th Street. 79th Street.

"I don't know! I just-"

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AFTER 72ND STREET THIS TRAIN IS MAKING EXPRESS STOPS TO TIMES SQUARE 42ND STREET!" Subaru and Seishiro were momentarily distracted, but returned to their conversation when they realized the service changes didn't affect them.

"I… I feel like I've done something wrong and you're upset with me."

"Keep bothering me with this and I will be," Seishiro countered warningly. Subaru flushed and looked away. The train sped downtown and Subaru watched all the stations they skipped, forcing himself not to look at Seishiro. At Times Square there was a great rush to get off the train. Subaru found himself pressed right up against Seishiro as people pushed past. Seishiro placed his hand on Subaru's lower back. Although he wanted to draw comfort from the touch, it was premature. There was another rush as people entered the train and Seishiro pulled Subaru closer to keep him out of the way. "I'm leaving for Tokyo the 24th and I'll back the 30th," he said as the doors closed. "Okay?"

"Why couldn't you have just told me that earlier?" Subaru asked, before he could stop himself. He flushed deeper, but stared determinedly back at Seishiro. The train stopped at Penn Station, but no one got on or off. Seishiro's eyes narrowed behind his glasses.

"Again with this?" Subaru's heart hammered against his ribs. He wanted to pick, to argue, to point out that it would have saved them all this trouble, but he felt Seishiro withdraw his arm from around his waist and his courage failed him.

"I'm sorry! I'll stop, I was just worried!" Why did he say that? That wasn't what he meant to say at all. Seishiro smiled and tilted his head to the side.

"You're too adorable, Subaru," he said. Subaru stared back, confused, but said nothing, his heart in his throat. The train crawled further and further downtown. 28th Street. 23rd Street. 18th Street. "Everyone's wives thought so too," Seishiro said in a self-satisfied tone.

"I'm glad I did well," Subaru replied, wondering if it was okay to stop feeling threatened.

"Until you got upset at me for no reason," Seishiro reminded him coldly.

"I said I was sorry!" Subaru interjected, pleadingly. Seishiro brought his first two fingers under Subaru's chin and lifted his gaze up.

"Stop?" He said, tilting his head to the side. Subaru's breath caught in his throat, eyes widening fearfully, though he held Seishiro's gaze imploringly. "Stop?" He said again, and Subaru nodded, hating himself. Seishiro smiled his impassive smile, eyes shining behind his glasses, and took his hand away. Subaru swallowed, understanding he wasn't to talk about it anymore. Houston Street. Canal Street. Franklin Street. At Chambers Street, they were stuck because of train traffic, whatever that meant. Subaru felt so tired, he just wanted to be home, he shouldn't have drank so much…

Finally the train began to creep forward and Subaru closed his eyes as they moved through Cortland Street, a pain developing in his temples. He felt Seishiro's hand on the back of his neck and shuddered. "I love you, Subaru," he said, very quietly. At last they reached their stop. Seishiro kept his hand on the back of Subaru's neck until they were out of the station.

Their neighborhood looked even more desolate and depressing now: all the construction was abandoned for he night and it was far too cloudy for stars. The only light came from cars speeding up and down West Street. Breathing rather harder than was necessary, Subaru dug his phone out of his pocket to check the time. A text from Kamui! Subaru's heart leapt as he read " **Fuck man I'm sorry! I hope you're out of there soon** " He couldn't help but smile slightly as he followed Seishiro back towards their building, discreetly answering the text.

" **Just got off the train, almost home. Talk to you tomorrow.** " He didn't want Kamui to worry. It was so cold, the last five minutes of their commute seemed the longest, but finally they were back up in their apartment. Subaru toed off his shoes, hung his coat up in the closet and went into the kitchen for some water. Seishiro disappeared down the hallway, saying nothing. Subaru's phone went off at another text from Kamui.

" **Sweet dreams!** " Subaru's stomach clenched at this kindness. He walked cautiously down the hall to his bedroom, sipping his water and trying to calm down. Seishiro lay in bed at his ease, shirt off, smoking, waiting.

"Come here." Subaru set his glass on the bedside table and took his time undressing, hanging everything up, fear fluttering in his chest. Seishiro just watched, impassive stare firmly in place. Subaru slid into bed, staying close to the edge. The sheets were freezing. Seishiro finished his cigarette and climbed on top of him, kissing him. Subaru made a noise of protest in his throat and Seishiro withdrew, eyes narrowed. Subaru flushed. "You won't give me what I want?" Seishiro asked, softly disbelieving. Subaru looked away, his flush deepening. He was so drained, he really just wanted to go to sleep, but if this would get him and Seishiro back to being okay…

"Let me?" Subaru said, quietly, his hand shaking slightly as he reached out and cupped Seishiro's erection. Seishiro let out a short, satisfied laugh, slid off of Subaru and reclined against his pillows. Subaru inched his pants down and set to work, feeling better in spite of himself. Seishiro still wanted him, he could still please him. Seishiro grabbed a fistful of Subaru's hair and he cried out, mouth open, breath shallow against his erection.

"You're so cute," Seishiro told him, his lip curling. He forced Subaru's head back down, and it was over quickly after that. Seishiro smoked another cigarette while Subaru lay curled up at his side, drifting in and out of sleep.

 _Sweet dreams…_

* * *

The alarm Kamui set for himself went off, loudly, right in his ear. He groaned irritably, seized his phone and turned it off before rolling over into a ball and pulling his blankets more closely around him. He had to go see Fuuma, as per their agreement, though he really wanted to stay in bed: last night seemed to have drained him. However, after a few minutes, he sat up, stretched and forced himself to his feet. Cold, clear sunlight poured through his windows as he washed and dressed, trying to wake up. He felt much more at home in jeans and a band t-shirt than in the suit he'd tossed carelessly next to his bed. He gathered his bag and was out the door, headphones and hoodie on.

It was beautiful out, and 1st Avenue was crowded with people. He passed young couples out for brunch and families congregating with their small children. A mother carrying her son in her shoulders paused under a tree trying to bud, speaking in a language he didn't understand. He smiled, remembering his mother carrying him to school the same way on these same streets. He got stuck at a light on 3rd Avenue and looked at the texts he'd been ignoring.

" **Hiya, just making sure we're still on for tomorrow at 3!** " A customer, to whom he said yes at once.

" **Bro can I meet you later?** " Another customer.

" **Yeah I'll be by Washington Square Park in a few hours**." He'd need to get more weed from Fuuma.

" **Hey sorry we missed you last night! We're still on for Friday though?** " Sorata. Kamui smiled and sent a reply confirming their plans, then sent another to Yuzuriha with the details as he crossed to 12th Street.

He felt a glow in his chest at making plans, but couldn't help but feel irritated at not hearing from Subaru. He was worried about him after last night! Of course, he could text him first, but… Kamui shook himself mentally, turning up his music, walking under Union Square to avoid the clusterfuck around the farmer's market. His thoughts strayed back to Subaru. He'd been so distraught last night, and Kamui couldn't do anything because he'd been working.

His professional self was cool, charismatic and unconcerned. His real self… what did that even mean? Well, it certainly was better at empathizing. His heart sped up sharply as he wondered what Subaru thought he was. He felt incredibly self-conscious all of a sudden. He was fine putting on a face for other people, people he didn't care about, and even though they'd just met, Kamui _knew_ he didn't want to pretend to Subaru. At 6th Avenue, Kamui retrieved his phone, though he had no idea what to say. Hey what's up? Are you okay? How was the rest of your night? Finally he settled on " **Good morning!** " and felt his face grow hot as he sent the message.

The rest of the walk to Fuuma's apartment was a blur of red lights and sharp, cold breezes. Kamui approached the front door, pressed the buzzer and was immediately allowed upstairs. In the elevator he took off his headphones and made to turn off his music, but his heart leapt at a response from Subaru. " **Good morning… how are you today?** " The elevator chimed and the doors opened into Fuuma's kitchen and living room. Fuuma stood behind his counter in just a pair of sweatpants, a mug in his hand and look of intense scrutiny on his face. A young woman sat across form him on a bar stool, also sipping from a mug. They both looked up as Kamui entered the room, feeling nervous. "Come in and sit down," Fuuma told him. Kamui nodded and took the seat next to the young woman. She wore round glasses, tied her short hair back in a ponytail and radiated a cool contempt. "Coffee?" Fuuma asked, his expression softening a fraction.

"Um, yes please," Kamui replied, cautiously. The young woman rolled her eyes.

"I'm assuming you've taken care of us," Fuuma said to her.

"You think I'd come all the way down here to tell you a problem without doing anything to fix it?" She countered, raising her eyebrows. Fuuma loaded a mug with sugar and passed it to Kamui with a smile, which he returned, understanding he could listen but nothing else.

"Potentially," Fuuma continued. "So what happened?" He leaned towards her, his forearms on the counter. Kamui felt his pull even from there and busied himself with Subaru's text. He didn't want to hear any of this; it was way safer if he knew nothing.

" **I'm cool, out running errands. What's up?** "

"I told you, Silk Road got shut down because the founder got busted."

"How?"

"He used his personal e-mail with a contact." Kamui rolled his eyes in spite of himself, sipping his coffee.

"Pathetic," Fuuma spat.

"I'd written a script to alert me if anything weird was going on, I won't bore you with details, but I killed all our points of contact." Fuuma stared, waiting. "Everything was secure anyway, but that's what you wanted, so…" She took a sip of coffee, eyes locked on Fuuma's. He smiled appreciatively and Kamui's heart beat faster. "We got out totally undetected and I've already found everyone important on the Dark Web, so there wasn't any significant loss." Fuuma grunted in approval and Kamui had to close his eye to stop himself rolling them.

' _Dark Web? What is this, some '90s sci-fi jump off_?' His phone buzzed in his pocket and he picked it up eagerly.

"Thank you, Satsuki," Fuuma said, finally straightening up, a satisfied smile on his face. Her expression twitched in surprise, but she recovered almost instantly.

"It's what you pay me for," she said, lazily, and drained her mug.

"I'm just expressing my gratitude! After listening to Kanoe bitch constantly at me all week…" Satsuki rolled her eyes in solidarity and hopped off the barstool.

"Thanks for the hospitality. I have homework to do." Fuuma's lip curled.

"So responsible!" Satsuki picked up her school bag and bike helmet.

"I'll let you know if anything changes," she said, and departed. Fuuma walked her to the elevator and watched the doors close before turning to look at Kamui, who was finishing another text to Subaru.

" **Ahh yes that's what I should be doing** "

" **What are you doing instead?** " Kamui looked up. Fuuma continued to stare, the light coming in from the ceiling to floor windows lighting up the muscles of his chest. He had that magnetic expression on his face and Kamui knew he was blushing.

"How'd it go last night?"

"Great, I was only there for an hour or so." Fuuma smiled.

"As I'd expect." Kamui smiled back, his heart beating faster at the praise.

"I need more weed, if you have any."

"I always have supplies for you." Kamui's blush deepened. "Do you want to work Friday or Saturday this week?"

"I get a choice?"

"This time, anyway." Kamui's phone buzzed, but he ignored it.

"Saturday," he said, softly. Fuuma stepped towards him, setting his mug down. He stood right in front of Kamui, his hands on either side of the counter behind him. Kamui let out a shaky exhale and spread his legs unconsciously. Fuuma's lip curled.

"Is supplies all you want?" He asked, his voice low and husky. Kamui kept his eyes on Fuuma's, heat flooding between his legs.

"No," he managed. He wanted to kiss Fuuma so badly, but felt totally unable to move. Fuuma's eyes darkened lustfully and he placed his first two fingers right on Kamui's throat, then dragged them slowly, torturously down his chest and belly. His breath caught in his chest and he shuddered, his body lighting up at the touches.

"Is this what you want?" Fuuma breathed. Kamui swallowed.

"Yes!" He gasped. Fuuma grabbed Kamui under his thighs and lifted him up into his arms. Kamui cried out and wrapped his arms and legs tight around him as he laughed softly in his ear.

"You're lucky I got good news," he breathed, carrying Kamui to his dark bedroom.

* * *

Subaru paused in finishing an e-mail he was sending to a client, thinking he'd heard his phone go off, but was disappointed. He'd sent Kamui " **Being lazy and ignoring work e-mails** " a few minutes before, but hadn't gotten anything back yet. He sighed, drinking coffee and smoking.

Seishiro had gone off somewhere but couldn't be bothered with an exact location or return time. Subaru hadn't said anything, feeling it was best not to pick fights. He returned to his e-mail, trying to schedule a consultation, his mind on Kamui. He felt immeasurably grateful for his kindness the night before and that he'd checked in this morning. Although, he felt guilty making him go out of his way like that when they barely knew each other. Of course, there was no denying the attention felt good, but…

Subaru forced his focus back to work, his typing the only sound in his shady, cold apartment.

* * *

And so it begins! Thank you so so much for reading.

 **I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	3. Stars

**Chapter 3 is here, good morning everybody!**

Did you guys all have good weeks? I hope so. I saw Radiohead at MSG with my boyfriend and his brothers on Tuesday, oh my goodness it was a fantastic show! Then the rest of the week I worked on my cosplay for **Otakon 2016**! If you'll be there, say hi to me!

ANYWAY. Chapter 3... not much to say, I'll let it speak for itself, I guess! I hope you guys like it!

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Subaru and Kamui spent the rest of the week texting back and forth, only missing messages while working. At first it was simple conversation. Kamui asked Subaru what he did, and he explained his work as an onmyoji: how he used his powers and his magic, and Kamui responded with almost unnerving enthusiasm. His new friend was fascinating! Subaru would blush at the flattering interest, but found himself enjoying the attention, especially as Seishiro remained cold and distant, working long hours and being too tired for anything else when he got home.

Although their questions got tentatively bigger, they hadn't discussed family or relationships yet. There was also the question of why they weren't having these conversations in person. Kamui thought about asking Subaru to hang out a few times, but didn't want to push it. He had the sense that they'd have to move slowly. However, as his Friday night plans with his friends drew nearer, he figured he should at least try.

Friday morning dawned the first _really_ nice day of the year. Kamui was on his way to a customer's place in Stuy Town, enjoying the warm sun. He sent Subaru a tentative text asking about plans, though he didn't expect a response. Subaru said he'd be out working at an apartment building with some issue that only came up between 3 and 4 AM. Kamui hoped he'd be home catching up on sleep. He returned his phone to his pocket, a slight blush in his face, and pressed his customer's buzzer. The transaction ended quickly: this person was a regular who bought weed "for his anxiety."

Kamui felt a twinge of guilt as he walked back down 1st Avenue. He liked to think his customer's friends were concerned about his habit, though he doubted it: self-medication with pot usually went unchallenged. He shook himself mentally as he reentered his apartment, inhaling the fresh, crisp air filtering through the windows he'd left open. Outside noise drifted in; it seemed everyone who wasn't stuck at work was out enjoying the beautiful day. Kamui plugged in his phone, opened his laptop and waited for Subaru to respond.

* * *

Downtown, Subaru was fast asleep, curled up in a warm ball in the corner of his bed. He'd gotten home at about 7:00 that morning and had barely enough energy to kiss Seishiro goodbye before he left for work. He finally stirred in the afternoon, groping for his phone to check the time. 2:30? How had he slept that late?! Not that it mattered, he had nothing else to do that day, but still… He sat up and stretched, trying to get his wits about him. Weird hours were just a part of the work he did, but he didn't think he'd ever get used to them. He checked his messages and smiled at one from Kamui.

" **Hey I know you're probably sleeping but what are you up to tonight?** "

" **I'm not sure, why?** " Subaru stared down at his phone, his heart beating rather fast.

" **Some friends and I are getting together later, we'll probably grab dinner and chill, something low key. If you want to come you're more than welcome!** " Subaru brushed his hair out of his face, feeling much more awake. He stood up, still holding tight to his phone. Should he go? _Could_ he go?

" **I don't want to intrude…** " He texted back, blushing, and the reply came almost at once.

" **You're not intruding if I'm inviting you :)** " Subaru smiled nervously. He felt totally wrong-footed: in Tokyo he'd mostly kept to himself, spending his time working or with Hokuto. Until he met Seishiro, of course. Seishiro… what would he think about this? He'd said he was glad Subaru was making friends, but… Another text jerked him out of his mental spiral. " **If it's too much too soon, that's cool.** " Subaru's expression softened, though his heart continued to beat faster than was necessary. Maybe it was too much. " **We can hang out next week one on one if that's better, I want to hear about that job you did last night!** " Subaru's smile widened and warmth spread in his chest.

" **That sounds good. When are you free?** " Again, the response came almost instantly, and Subaru wondered if Kamui was also holding his phone, waiting nervously like he was. ' _What is wrong with you_?' He asked himself, rather unkindly.

" **I'm flexible! Pick a day and time dude!** " The warmth in Subaru's chest spread outwards. They could hang out during the day while Seishiro was at work, which seemed like a way better idea.

" **I have a client Tuesday morning, maybe we could meet after that? I should be done around noon, or is that to early?** "

" **That's perfect! Where?** " Subaru checked his e-mail, scrolling for the address. He was about to send it to Kamui, but then remembered people in New York needed cross streets.

" **91** **st** **and Park** "

" **No doubt! I'll meet you there!** " Subaru's heart swelled, and he felt hopeful for the first time in what seemed like a while.

" **Perfect** "

* * *

Hours later, Kamui was still feeling the glow of finally making plans with Subaru. He knew it was stupid to get this excited over just seeing a friend, but he didn't care. It would be their first time hanging out when he wasn't working and Subaru, hopefully, would not be in some kind of emotional distress.

He played his music loudly as he changed into clean clothes and texted Sorata to ask where they were meeting up, feeling happy and excited. " **It's so nice out tonight do you wanna just come to the island and drink and chill by the water?** " Kamui smiled.

" **Word! You want greens?** "

" **Bring if you want I'm cool with drinks** "

" **Sweet I'll meet you guys by the tram** "

" **Awesome!** " Kamui grinned and grabbed his hoodie and his bag (just in case he got a work text), put his headphones on and was out the door. It was already almost dark out, the clocks hadn't sprung forward yet, but it was still warm and breezy as it had been all day. He walked up 1st Avenue, weaving in and out of everyone taking their sweet ass time. Luckily, he only had to wait a few minutes for the bus that would take him uptown. He found a seat in the back corner and stared out the window, watching the blue half-light deepen to a rich blackness over the city. In spite of himself, his mind strayed to his assignment for the following night: he'd be stuck inside a concert venue on the Lower East Side selling whatever Fuuma felt like giving him.

"Easy," Kamui had told Fuuma, lying next to him in bed, feeling thoroughly spent.

"Let's hope so," Fuuma replied, smiling as he took a deep drag from his cigarette. "Come here before and I'll give you everything."

"Everything?" Kamui asked, returning Fuuma's smile. Fuuma looked down at him, appraising, smoke swirling around him.

"Cute."

"59TH STREET!" The bus driver announced over the loudspeakers, and Kamui jumped up at once, startled. He realized how hot he was in the face and tried to compose himself, but his thoughts were stuck on Fuuma as he headed towards 2nd Avenue. He still had a bruise on his neck from last Sunday. He felt a rush of intense, visceral memories: Fuuma's mouth on that spot, biting and sucking, as he fucked him fast, hard and deep, his legs up over his shoulders and deep arch in his back… Kamui shivered and forced himself to pay attention, rubbing the spot tenderly.

Sorata and his girlfriend Arashi lived on Roosevelt Island, right between Manhattan and Queens. There were two ways to get there: the F train, which was crowded and unreliable and way out of the way, and a tram that crossed the East River on a terrifyingly small cable about a hundred feet in the air. ' _At least I'm not scared of heights_ ,' Kamui thought as he entered the tram and watched it fill up around him. He sent a text to Sorata saying he'd be there soon right as he received one from Subaru. " **How's your night?** " Kamui smiled.

" **Hasn't started yet! I'm still on my way to meet up with everybody, what's up?** " The doors closed and the tram began its slow, creaky way up and across the river.

" **Nothing… waiting for Seishiro to come home. Sorry to bother you!** " Kamui rolled his eyes affectionately.

" **You can always text me :)** " Below him the East River shown, cold and dirty, and reflected the lights from the buildings on either side of it.

" **That's really nice of you** " Kamui smiled awkwardly at the message, feeling both discomposed and pleased.

" **Nah I just like talking to you** " The tram began to descend.

" **Even though I'm not very interesting?** " Again, Kamui rolled his eyes.

" **Don't come with that bullshit you're an onmyoji!** " The tram shuddered alarmingly as it entered the station.

" **My sister always says that** " came the reply after a minute or so. Kamui's heart skipped at this new information. Subaru had a sister! It felt like a barrier had been lifted. He held the information inside him like a talisman and replied,

" **That you can't be a boring onmyoji?** " Finally the doors opened and people ahead of Kamui started to move. He sent a text to Sorata saying he'd arrived before reading Subaru's response.

" **Yes… but I'm not sure if that's true or not. She says all kinds of things.** "

" **Like what?** " Again his heart seemed to skip. He shoved his phone in his pocket as he exited the station. At once he saw his friends there waiting for him and he grinned excitedly. "Hey!" He called, hurrying over.

"What's good, dude?" Sorata grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hug.

"Not much, how are you?" When they broke apart he turned to Arashi and kissed her on the cheek. "Hey!"

"Hi! I haven't seen you in ages!"

"I know, I'm an asshole, I'm sorry! What's up?" Yuzuriha smiled widely and hugged him.

"What the fuck happened to your neck?" She demanded when she let go of him.

"Don't worry about it," he replied, smiling.

"This guy always has bruises," Sorata sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Sorry," Kamui replied, his smile widening.

"Do we ever get to meet the person doing this, or…?" Yuzuriha asked, raising her eyebrows.

"No," Kamui replied in a commanding tone, and she made a contemptuous noise in her throat before turning back to Sorata.

"So what's the plan?" Sorata shrugged theatrically.

"Get beer from the grocery store and walk?"

"We're brown bagging? Fuck yeah!" Kamui interjected, making Yuzuriha giggle. Arashi shook her head, though she was still smiling, and took Sorata's hand as they walked down the main road that circled the island. Kamui felt his phone go off and retrieved it to read Subaru's message.

" **Um well she always says that one of the happiest things in the world is having a wish granted** "

" **And what do you think?** "

"Get off your phone and pay attention!"

"What?" Kamui looked up and realized he'd walked right past the doors to the grocery store. His friends stood waiting there, looking at him curiously. "Sorry," he said, sheepishly, shoving his phone into his pocket and rushing back.

"Is everything okay?" Arashi asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Yeah!" Kamui said at once, and Sorata grinned.

"Texting whoever gave you that hickey?" Kamui sighed impatiently.

"No, this is just a friend," he said, with dignity. "I actually invited him out tonight but he couldn't make it."

"You have friends besides us?" Sorata asked as they entered the store, and Yuzuriha and Arashi laughed.

"Fuck you," Kamui shot back, though he was nowhere _near_ mad; he'd missed his friends!

"They rearrange this place every time I come here," Yuzuriha observed, looking around as they followed Sorata to a drink display full of beer and cheap wine that probably tasted like vinegar. "What should I get…?" Kamui took advantage of the preoccupation to check his phone for messages.

" **I'm not sure, wishes are always so complicated!** " Kamui smiled.

" **Yeah for sure! Like you wish for something and it makes you happy at first but then everything starts fucking up?** " Kamui watched the chat bubbles appear and disappear several times until,

" **Yes definitely! Of course half the time people don't even know what they wish for in the first place** "

" **Truth! Or they just wish for some trivial crap** "

"What's your friend's name?" Came Arashi's voice out of nowhere. Kamui jumped, but smiled at her.

"Subaru."

"What are you talking about?" She asked, eyeing his cellphone, which he quickly stowed away to choose the can of beer he wanted.

"Wishes," he said, after a moment's hesitation.

"Interesting," she replied, encouragingly.

"Everyone good?" Sorata called, and received three nods in answer. "Give everything to me, it'll be faster," he continued.

"You want cash?" Kamui asked, handing his drink over, but Sorata waved the words away.

"Nah, you know I don't keep score like that."

"Thanks, Sorata!" Yuzuriha said, handing her drink to him. Kamui smiled appreciatively and reached for his phone again.

" **Yes, I feel like most of my wishes are trivial** "

" **What do you wish for?** " Kamui hoped that was okay to ask. He held his phone tightly as they left the grocery store, eyes adjusting to the darkness outside.

"Let's go to the lighthouse," Sorata said, distributing drinks wrapped up in paper bags.

"This is so ratchet," Yuzuriha giggled, opening her drink.

"Cheers!" Sorata called, and everyone clinked their cans together and took a sip. Kamui felt deeply at ease as they continued down the main road. Roosevelt Island was little more than an odd chunk of land sticking out of the East River. It was covered in uniform brick buildings full of very expensive apartments. It always reminded Kamui of a root town in a videogame and was vaguely creepy, but being surrounded by water with the lights of Manhattan glittering all around you, well, the views were glorious. He sipped his drink, listened to the happy chatter around him and looked at the newest message.

" **Honestly? Right now I'd just like to see the stars. It's stupid, I know…** " Kamui's chest suddenly constricted and he took another sip of his drink before replying.

" **I FEEL YOU, that's not stupid at all!** "

"Bro, seriously, what is so important?" Kamui put his phone away and stared back at Sorata.

"Don't worry about it."

"So your friend can't make it out tonight but he's free to text you constantly?" Sorata persisted, grinning.

"Stop," Arashi said, warningly.

"It's cool, I'll stop, I swear to god." Kamui looked over at Yuzuriha, who was also checking her phone, though she looked rather disappointed and returned it to her bag. "Are you done with midterms?" He asked her, choosing not to comment on the phone, and her expression brightened.

"Yup! Thank god. My spring break is next week, I'm literally counting down the hours." Everyone laughed.

"I do _not_ miss school," Sorata declared, swigging his drink.

"I suppose that's why you're starting grad school in the fall?" Arashi asked, pointedly.

"Don't remind me, it's just to keep the old man happy so he lets us stay in his apartment," he replied, taking another gulp of beer.

"That's the only reason to be in school right now," Kamui added.

"Real talk," agreed Yuzuriha, raising her drink. They reached the tip of the island, which was a patchy green lawn with a small lighthouse stuck in the middle. A low stonewall surrounded it, and they each chose a place on it and sat down. Kamui sat cross-legged, holding his beer in both hands. A soft breeze ruffled his hair and the river swirled blackly below them, looking more like a giant oil spill than anything. He took out his phone and snapped a photo of the Manhattan skyline and Queensborough Bridge, their reflections shimmering on the water. Subaru hadn't replied to his message, but Kamui sent him the photo anyway, adding,

" **This is the closest we get to stars** "

* * *

Subaru heard his phone go off right as the door opened. Seishiro stepped inside and toed off his shoes, looking tired. "Welcome home," Subaru said, cautiously, and Seishiro graced him with a smile before heading down the hall. Subaru followed him hopefully, leaving his phone in the kitchen. "How was work?" He asked, sitting down on their bed. Seishiro was hanging up his jacket and Subaru eyed the muscles under his dress shirt.

"Work was work. How did everything go last night?" Seishiro looked Subaru right in the face, his expression open and receptive for the first time in days. Subaru's heart swelled at his interest.

"It wasn't anything too crazy," he said, modestly, "just a lot of residual anger. I tried to explain it, but, I think everyone in the building was just happy it was resolved." He smiled uncertainly, and Seishiro returned the smile.

"People don't care about reasons as long as they get what they think they need," he said, undoing the buttons of his shirt. His smile widened knowingly as Subaru's eyes followed his hands. Subaru swallowed and shrugged.

"I don't know about that, that seems unfair…" His voice trailed away as Seishiro stepped closer to him, still smiling.

"You're too kind, Subaru," he said, softly, though Subaru didn't want to think about whether or not that was a compliment. Blushing slightly, he reached forward and hooked his fingers into the waistband of Seishiro's pants. Seishiro's lip curled. "You're too kind, Subaru."

* * *

"Oh yeah that's why you got your shit rocked the last time I played you?"

"Fuck you, I was drunk!"

"That's no excuse, Yuzuriha gets fucking pro at all videogames when she's drunk!" Yuzuriha toasted Sorata and took a hearty swig of her drink.

"Well good for her," Kamui replied, moodily, sipping his own drink.

"Don't be mad," Yuzuriha said, grinning innocently.

"Next time it's fucking over," Kamui told her, threateningly.

"Oh yeah? What are you doing tomorrow?" She snapped back, ready to take up the challenge, but Kamui hung his head sadly.

"I have work tomorrow," he said, regretfully.

"Ahh well, I guess we'll have to wait for me to utterly destroy you."

"Pfft yeah okay," Kamui snorted.

"Children," Arashi interjected, breaking up the argument, though her gaze was deeply affectionate. A soft night breeze blew off the river, making them all shiver.

"Should we keep walking?" Sorata asked, and everyone nodded. Kamui uncurled his legs and slid off the wall, finishing his beer in one gulp. He sprinted to the nearest trashcan and slammed the can into it. "Two points!" Sorata exclaimed, hurrying after him. They headed around the lighthouse and down the darker, less impressive side of the island. Kamui checked his phone, but there was only a text from a customer, which he answered.

"Your friend?" Arashi asked, walking next to him. Ahead of them, Sorata and Yuzuriha were side by side, talking and laughing at the tops of their voices.

"Nah, work stuff. He's busy I think," Kamui said, surprised at how annoyed he sounded. Arashi groaned sympathetically and he appreciated the solidarity. "We're hanging out on Tuesday, though!" He continued, almost defensively.

"I can't wait to meet him," Arashi replied, and Kamui smiled back at her gratefully. "That rematch you and Yuzuriha are planning, maybe we could host it and you could bring him? I could probably talk Sorata into making cream croquettes."

"You're the best," Kamui told her, his smile widening.

"Cream croquettes?" Sorata whipped his head around so fast Yuzuriha looked startled.

"Yes," Arashi told him. "We'll tentatively say next Saturday?" Kamui nodded, the anticipation planting itself snugly in his chest.

"For what?" Yuzuriha asked, looking between Arashi and Sorata.

"For our Mario Kart rematch," Kamui told her, his eyes narrowing, and she snorted contemptuously.

"If by rematch you mean Kamui Shirou Gets His Ass Destroyed Part II, then yeah," she shot back.

"Doesn't Kamui get his ass destroyed every weekend, though?" Sorata asked at once, apparently unable to stop himself. Yuzuriha and Arashi burst out laughing. Kamui's face set and he shook his head before joining in with the laughter.

"I can't even be mad at that!" He conceded.

"It's hard to be mad when you're getting laid on the regular," Sorata agreed, and Arashi rolled her eyes, though there was rather a satisfied look on her face. Kamui kept laughing, trying to suppress the sudden intense memories of Fuuma pressing him down into his bed, kissing him violently and thrusting his hips up against him, oh _god_ …

* * *

Subaru cried out suddenly, his whole body tensing up, gripping the bed sheets. "Are you going to come?" Seishiro asked him in a low, husky voice. Subaru shut his eyes tight.

"Yes!" He gasped. Seishiro stroked his erection forcefully as he continued to thrust hard and deep into him from behind. He laughed softly right in his ear.

"Come for me, Subaru," he hissed, and Subaru obeyed at once, releasing all over Seishiro's hand with a grateful moan, chest heaving and hands shaking. "Open your mouth." Subaru did so, his brain a blur, and Seishiro shoved his fingers in his mouth. Subaru shuddered and went furiously red, sucking himself off Seishiro's fingers. Seishiro sped up his thrusts and forced his fingers deeper into his mouth. "You're too adorable," he said, his voice tight, before straightening up and pulling out. Subaru collapsed onto his forearms, his head spinning, legs trembling, and moaned as Seishiro came all over his ass and the backs of his thighs. He felt flutters of pleasure even through his embarrassment.

Seishiro let out a low, satisfied moan and reclined against his pillows. Subaru could picture the satisfied smile on his face even though he was still face down in the blankets. Very slowly, he straightened up. He turned to face Seishiro, whose lip curled. "Go rinse off," he said, reaching for his cigarettes. Subaru swallowed and got carefully out of bed, feeling sticky and uncomfortable despite his satisfaction. He knew Seishiro was watching him and he blushed as he went into their en suite. He closed the door and turned on the shower, not looking at himself in the mirror. He stepped under the water, its warm caresses soothing on his skin. He could be annoyed at being sent in here without so much as a kiss, but he felt too relieved at Seishiro being in a good mood. It seemed their last weekend together before he left for Tokyo would be good after all…

Subaru shut off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist. When he returned to their bedroom it was to find Seishiro at his ease, smoking. "Come here," he said, smiling. Subaru hung the towel on the back of the door before climbing back into bed. Seishiro passed him the cigarette and Subaru took a grateful pull on it. He exhaled the smoke and handed it back. They lay next to each other quietly for a while, then, "Will you miss me while I'm in Tokyo?" Seishiro asked, snubbing out the cigarette in the ashtray on the bedside table.

"Of course!" Subaru replied at once, his throat tightening. He moved closer to Seishiro, not wanting to think about sleeping alone for a week.

"You're sweet." Subaru moved closer still. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes," Subaru replied, realizing that it was true.

"Let's order something."

"I'll go get my phone." Subaru jumped up, pulled his pants back on and hurried to the kitchen. He saw at once a message from Kamui: a photograph of what looked like Manhattan and a massive, lit up bridge. It was captioned " **This is the closest we get to stars** " It took Subaru a second to remember that was what they'd been talking about, and though the implication of the photo was sad, he found it all rather touching.

" **Where are you?** " He texted back, before returning to Seishiro.

* * *

"So seriously, how'd you meet this guy?" Sorata asked as they turned another corner, almost back to where they'd started their walk.

"At a party where I was bartending," Kamui replied. His stomach squirmed, not so much at the lie, but at the aversive memories.

"The one uptown?"

"Yeah. His boyfriend works for the company hosting it."

"Word, he was just hanging by the bar the whole time?" Kamui nodded.

"I think it was just to avoid the housewives hitting on him," he continued, smirking, and Sorata laughed. "He's from Tokyo and said he doesn't really know anyone here, so I gave him my number." Sorata smiled at him.

"That was good of you!" Up ahead, Arashi wrapped her arm around Yuzuriha's shoulders. Sorata's eyes narrowed curiously at the gesture. "Is his boyfriend cool?" Kamui didn't really know what to say: all he'd been able to gather was that he was a handsome older man with glasses and a penetrating stare who seemed continually dissatisfied with Subaru and showed it. He definitely wasn't familiar enough to pass judgment. Plus he was fucking his drug supplier, what did he know?

"I'm not sure, I only saw him for a split second," he said, finally. Sorata raised his eyebrows.

"No disrespect, but it sort of sounds like you've decided already," he said, but before Kamui could respond Yuzuriha had turned to face them.

"Kamui?"

"What's up?"

"Do you want to take the tram back together or are you taking the F?"

"Um…" Kamui retrieved his phone and saw his customer had responded with a meeting place on 3rd Avenue. "Yeah sure, I'll go back with you." He also saw a message from Subaru, but decided to answer it later.

"Should we drop you guys off, then?" Sorata asked, a little sadly, and Kamui sighed. He hated this part. However, he smiled and chatted with his friends as they walked back to the tram.

"It was awesome seeing you," he told Sorata as he hugged him goodbye.

"You too, man! We'll see you next weekend though, right?"

"Fuck yes!" He replied, hugging Arashi. "Mario Kart and beer!"

"And cream croquettes!" Yuzuriha interjected, eyes on Sorata.

"And cream croquettes!" He agreed, punching the air. Everyone laughed, and after another round of hugs, Kamui and Yuzuriha entered the tram station.

"They're so perfect," Yuzuriha said wistfully, watching Sorata and Arashi walk back towards their apartment, hand in hand.

"Yeah." Sorata and Arashi had been together since they'd met their freshman year of college, while Kamui was still in high school. Their relationship had always been a fixture of their group of friends, even as other people had come and gone or been evicted.

Kamui and Yuzuriha boarded the next tram to arrive and sat down in the corner. Kamui took out his phone, texted his customer that he'd be there within the hour and then replied to Subaru's message.

" **I was out on Roosevelt Island enjoying the nice weather** " Yuzuriha sighed audibly.

"Are you okay?" He asked her, concerned.

"Huh? Oh yeah, school's just got me stressed out." Kamui eyed her shrewdly, noticing she too was gripping her phone, but she changed the subject. "So the person who gave you this hickey, is this just someone you're fucking or are you actually dating?" Kamui appreciated her honesty.

"He," he began, and Yuzuriha nodded, "is just someone I'm hooking up with."

"Someone new? Or the one we've been hearing about for ages?"

"That one."

"And you aren't dating him? Are you sure?" Kamui snorted.

"Positive. I wouldn't want to date him even if I could." Was that true, though? Two years ago it would have been a total lie. When he first met Fuuma, there had been no denying his feelings. Even now, Fuuma was amazing: sexy, powerful, smart and savvy… but Kamui also knew he was dangerous. He never knew who he'd get with him. Some days he'd find the straightforward businessman, others it would be the cold criminal, but more often than not it was the passionate lover. He still had no idea which one was the real one, or if it even mattered.

The tram doors closed right as his phone buzzed in his hand. " **Oh… I have no idea where that is, I'm sorry!** "

" **It's this weird island right between Manhattan and Queens** " The tram inched perilously along the cable, and when they got to the top Kamui took another photo to send to Subaru. " **Getting here is terrifying but it's worth it to see my friends** " Suddenly Yuzuriha let out an excited gasp, making him jump. "What happened?" He demanded, turning to see her smiling wide-eyed at her phone and frantically sending a message.

"What?"

"What happened?" Kamui repeated, eyes darting between her glowing face and her cellphone.

"I just got the text I've been waiting for all night," she said, grinning. Kamui raised his eyebrows.

"And you wanna come at me for being on my phone," he sighed, grumpily.

"Sorry," she replied, her grin widening.

"So is this just someone you're fucking or are you actually dating?" Kamui asked her in a mocking voice.

"Blow me."

"No thanks." They looked at each other and laughed as the tram made its cumbersome way into the station. "Which way are you going?" Kamui asked Yuzuriha as they emerged on 2nd Avenue.

"Uptown," she said, the grin still on her face.

"Get some for me," he told her, and she stuck out her tongue. "I'm going downtown, but text me when you're somewhere safe, okay?"

"I will." They hugged each other goodbye and parted ways, waving over their shoulders. Kamui put on his headphones and headed south, figuring he could walk at least part of the way. He changed the song playing, trying to stave off thoughts about what was coming, but was distracted by a text from Subaru.

" **I've never even heard of it, I'm sorry! I don't know New York well at all** " Kamui typed out his reply recklessly, deleted it, then typed it out again. He bit his lip when he finally sent it.

* * *

Subaru was eating take out and drinking wine in his living room while Seishiro was in the kitchen, on the phone with someone from work. He listened to the conversation, though he couldn't understand much, as he looked at Kamui's message. " **That's what I'm here for! I'll show you everything!** " Subaru's heart swelled at this generosity.

" **Please don't go out of your way, but, I'd like that** " Subaru sent the message and took another sip of wine, rather warm in the face.

* * *

Aww, these two are so cute! Their date is next week, see you guys in a few days!

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	4. Escape

**Chapter 4, YAY! How's everyone?**

I hope you all had good weeks. Mine was pretty crazy! Work is busy busy busy right now PLUS I'm scrambling to finish my cosplay before **Otakon** (it's next week, can you believe it? I can't!) Is anyone going to be there? Let me know, I'd love to see you!

Anyway, this chapter is more fluff, but I like to think there's more substance behind the fluff here than in the last chapter. Funny story, actually: when I was writing the first draft of this by hand in a notebook I was on the bus and completely missed my stop because I was distracted by Kamui getting fucked senseless. You know, as you do. LOL. It's all for my Twin Star!

Right, let me shut up. Enjoy!

* * *

Kamui pulled the collar of Fuuma's old shirt away from his neck, feeling self-conscious. He stared at himself critically in his bathroom mirror grateful that the bruise on his neck was totally gone and he hadn't managed to get more. He'd seen Fuuma Sunday afternoon as usual, but had left only with more weed to sell. Fuuma had been between phone calls with that woman, Kanoe. He never said her name, but Kamui could tell who it was because of his tone: disbelieving, threatening and callus, and it sounded like nothing Kamui should be hearing.

He sighed heavily and finished getting ready, dragging his mind away from Fuuma. He was going to see Subaru, after all! Excitement sent soft jolts through his chest, although he'd be lying if he said he wasn't nervous. ' _Keys, money, phone, sweet!_ ' He thought, shoving them all in his bag. After putting on his hoodie and headphones, he was out the door.

It was another beautiful spring day. All the trees were beginning to bud and were covered by a soft green mist. They looked as though they were surrounded by the ghosts of their own leaves. Kamui paused, feeling the warm sun on his face, before walking up 1st Avenue and turning left of 14th Street. He passed a homeless man slumped against a building, his limbs stuck out at weird angles. ' _On the nod_ ,' Kamui thought at once, his insides squirming guiltily. This man wasn't his customer, but, the way he saw it, the only difference between him and the woman to whom he'd sold all those painkillers was economic class. Kamui left the man some money in the cup he kept next to him, then continued on his way.

At Union Square, Kamui joined the swelling crowd entering the subway, weaving in and out of people walking too slowly. He jumped on a 5 train and reclined against one of the hard, plastic seats, nerves fluttering inside him. He was excited to see Subaru again, excited to have all their interesting conversations face to face, but mostly to see him when he wasn't in some kind of emotional distress. Everything had seemed okay in all his recent messages, but Kamui had the impression that even if there were something going on, Subaru wouldn't say so. The last two times they'd happened on each other had been luck, and any barriers they'd crossed with each other had been accidents.

The train pulled into 86th Street and almost everyone got off. Kamui joined the crowd inching slowly up a narrow set of stairs, keeping close to the wall to avoid those unlucky people fighting their way down to the train. Finally he climbed up to the top floor, where what looked like a school group was clustered around the ticket machines. The kids were screaming, laughing and messing around while their teachers attempted to control them, looking increasingly distressed. Kamui swerved to avoid them and headed up out of the station. He remembered going on countless field trips to, it must be the Met or the Guggenheim, when he was in elementary school. His mother had always kept a photo of him in front of the Temple of Dendur with his first grade class.

Kamui passed two people conversing rapidly in an unfamiliar language and emerged onto 86th Street and Lexington Avenue. Once he got oriented, he headed west towards Park Avenue. The Upper East Side was warm, sunny and crowded with nannies, strollers and small children. He turned right to head uptown, anticipation growing.

Park Avenue was lined with huge, old-fashioned buildings, all with awnings over their entrances and doormen in suits. The wealth hiding behind the attractive, ornate edifices gave Kamui chills as he proceeded. A man in a maintenance uniform was spraying the sidewalk with a power washer, such a waste of water and energy. At 91st and Park, Kamui paused, feeling his nerves tauten. He wasn't sure of the exact address and didn't want to text Subaru in case he was still busy. He stood awkwardly on the corner, listening to his music and holding his phone tightly, waiting.

A soft breeze ruffled his hair and he looked up. A smile lit his face as he saw Subaru emerge from the nearest building. He exchanged a few words with the doorman before looking around, spotting Kamui and heading over to him. He too was smiling, though he looked rather flustered. "Hi!" Kamui exclaimed, taking off his headphones and putting them in his bag with his phone. He was unsure how to greet Subaru. A hug? A handshake? Subaru seemed to debate the same thing, but decided to continue the conversation to cover the moment.

"Did I keep you waiting long?" He asked, eyes widening anxiously.

"Nah, I just got here. Um," Kamui paused, shyness suddenly erupting in his chest as he looked at Subaru, but he recovered himself. "Sorry, I just woke up, what do you want to do?" Subaru smiled nervously, hands in the pockets of his coat.

"I don't mind, um, do you want to get coffee or something?"

"Yeah! I just don't know this area well because I'm never up here. Oh but there's this place across town that's really nice, we could walk through the park!" Kamui said all of this very fast and cringed inwardly. At least when he was working he was smooth, what the fuck. Subaru smiled encouragingly, though he still felt rather flustered.

"Okay! Which park, Central Park?" Kamui raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, dude, haven't you been there yet?" Subaru shook his head, feeling rather stupid, and Kamui's eyes widened incredulously.

"Come on," he said, starting to walk. "This is happening." Subaru laughed and followed Kamui across Park Avenue, his energy irresistible. "How long have you been here?" Kamui asked, curiously. They paused for a moment so that Subaru could light a cigarette.

"Since January." He took a deep inhale, immediately feeling more at ease.

"Ahh okay, so not long," Kamui conceded. They crossed Madison Avenue, lined with high-end children's clothing stores. "How many cigarettes do you smoke a day?" He asked, curiously. Subaru thought for a second.

"It depends," he replied, exhaling smoke. "I can put it out if it bothers you," he added, hurriedly, but Kamui shook his head.

"Nah, don't worry about it."

"It helps me with my onmyoji work," Subaru continued, sheepishly. Kamui refrained from sighing with difficulty: he knew a lot of people who swore that marijuana, cocaine or alcohol made them better at their jobs. Out loud though, he said,

"My vice is coffee, so I can't judge." Subaru appreciated the attempted solidarity and smiled at Kamui, who smiled back. "What were you doing up here, anyway?"

"Just a house blessing," Subaru replied, shrugging. "For someone from the party-" he stopped talking abruptly, smoking. Memories filled the space between them: they hadn't talked about that night at all over text.

"Um," Kamui began, hesitantly, watching Subaru smoking, both of them rather pink in the face. "I know it's none of my business, but, is everything okay? With you and your boyfriend?" Subaru didn't answer at once. He'd spent all weekend in bed with Seishiro, which was as close as he'd get to an explicit statement of forgiveness for their argument. He was still working his long, grueling hours, but at least when he got home he was in a good mood. It would have been awful if the week leading up to his departure had been tense and angry, but, for now at least, Subaru felt okay.

"Yes, everything's fine, don't worry," he assured Kamui, appreciating his concern.

"You seem better," Kamui observed, deciding not to comment on Subaru's blush or pleased expression. They didn't know each other well enough, and truthfully he didn't like to think about it. They turned right on 5th Avenue and paused outside a park entrance so Subaru could finish his cigarette. "What do you do during a house blessing?"

"It depends," Subaru said, exhaling and stubbing out his cigarette on the lid of a metal trashcan before throwing the butt away. "This one was simple; I just lit incense and chanted protection mantras."

"Oh yeah, _so_ basic," Kamui replied sarcastically, though his face was alight with curiosity. Subaru rolled his eyes, despite being flattered by Kamui's interest.

"Well, people here don't want anything too complicated! And I don't want anyone messing around with magic they don't understand." Kamui nodded. They entered Central Park and followed a dirt path lined with trees also surrounded in green mist. The weak sun was warm overhead, but all the lawns were still roped off and covered in grass seed: early spring.

"I don't think people would take onmyo magic as seriously here," Kamui started to say, "I mean, they probably think 'oh it's Buddhism! It's all loving kindness, it's all good!'" Subaru sighed heavily, feeling incredibly validated.

"To be honest, there were people like that in Tokyo too. They were always the ones who would use spells incorrectly and it would end up a total mess."

"Oh word I bet!" They continued along their path, passing people in exercise clothes walking their dogs and taking photos. "Do you also get people who are the opposite?" Kamui asked after a few minutes.

"How so?"

"Like… they think there's something supernatural going on but really they're just crazy?" Subaru sighed a little sadly, thinking of last week's case.

"Certainly, but with supernatural phenomena, the more you believe in them the more real they get. So if you believe your apartment is haunted, it will seem that way." Kamui nodded thoughtfully.

"So it's like pain?"

"What?" They looked each other in the face, and Kamui noticed _just_ how green Subaru's eyes looked in the sunlight.

"Well," he said, a soft breeze ruffling his hair and a flush creeping up his neck. "With pain, even if there's nothing physical going on, it'll still hurt." Subaru held his gaze thoughtfully. "And if you ignore pain that's real it'll always bite you in the ass," he added, and Subaru laughed.

"I never thought about that but it makes sense, especially with curses…" He continued to look thoughtful. "That's an interesting comparison." He wondered whether Kamui was used to pain. It felt like he saw a different side to him every time they met, and just then-

"I just see a lot of people trying to treat pain I don't think exists," Kamui said, shrugging, and understanding blazed in Subaru's mind.

"I suppose you would, wouldn't you?" He said, slowly. He could feel Kamui's real concern for those people under his flippant tone, but said nothing about it. Yes, he definitely felt something weird…

"Speaking of curses, you never told me about Thursday night!"

"What? Oh right!" Kamui laughed.

"Way to pay attention," he teased, making Subaru blush.

"I'm sorry, I'm all over the place," he muttered, echoing Seishiro's words in spite of himself. Looking mortified, Kamui reached out and touched his arm without really meaning to.

"It's okay, I was just messing with you!" He said, earnestly, terrified he'd upset him. Subaru looked back at him, a little unnerved by his worry.

"It's okay," he said, bemused. Kamui withdrew his hand, looking embarrassed. "My sister always calls me a space cadet," Subaru continued. Kamui smiled.

"You can be up in space, I don't mind." Subaru laughed, again appreciating the solidarity. "Seriously though, was the apartment actually haunted or were the upstairs neighbors being loud for no reason?" Subaru laughed softly at Kamui's eager face.

"It wasn't haunted, no, but there was a lot of residual anger."

"Residual anger?" Kamui asked, raising his eyebrows. Subaru nodded seriously.

"Strong emotions always leave traces." Kamui nodded too, listening intently.

As planned, the superintendent had met Subaru at the front door of the building at 2:30 in the morning, then led him up to the supposedly haunted apartment. The building didn't seem to hold anything truly malevolent, but Subaru was still cautious. The super unlocked the door, and Subaru thanked him and told him to wait outside before walking slowly into the apartment. He took a meditation posture and began to chant. "On sanmaji hando-mei kiriku. On sanmaji hando-mei kiriku. On sanmaji hando-mei kiriku." Over and over, moving deeper into a meditative state, until suddenly a scream of fury echoed through the apartment. Subaru's eyes flew open and he felt the wave of emotion like a punch to the gut. He sprang to his feet, whipped out his ofuda and followed the trail of rage and sadness to what must have been a bedroom.

 _YOU'RE DISGUSTING! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!_

 _YOUR HOUSE?! I PAY ALL OF THE RENT, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE AS BAD AS YOUR FATHER!_

A crash sounded suddenly and Subaru was almost knocked off his feet, but he maintained composure, breath calm, eyes focused. "Ha!" He shouted, throwing an ofuda towards the voices. It stuck in midair and the room was ablaze in blue white light. Subaru saw, clear as day, a man and woman up in each other's faces, screaming, before the figures melted grotesquely into the brightness, and the light was gone. Subaru sank to his knees, breathing heavily, but satisfied everything was taken care of.

"Imagine being that angry at the person you love," Subaru finished, eyes alive with a deep sadness. Kamui had been about to exclaim in wonder at the story, but felt struck dumb by Subaru's words. His own heart swelled at how intensely Subaru felt for those people; his empathy and compassion were almost overwhelming. He wondered if his problems with his boyfriend had made him more receptive, if he ever got that angry with him. "Sorry," he said, sheepishly.

"Huh? What for?"

"I, did I say too much?" Kamui shook his head firmly.

"No way! It's just," he paused, struggling with what to say. "You just, really give a fuck, it's pretty awesome." Subaru burst out laughing and Kamui's heart sped up alarmingly.

"You think so?" Subaru asked, casting him a furtive look. Kamui nodded. "Thank you," Subaru said, and he meant it, feeling Kamui's strange but sincere complement nestle into his chest.

They had reached the other side of the park, lined with more huge old-fashioned buildings with ornately carved facades. Although they were similar to those across town, this grandeur had a different flavor. They crossed Central Park West and headed along 96th Street. "So what about you?" Subaru asked, after a few minutes. "I feel bad I've been talking this whole time, how was your weekend?" Kamui laughed appreciatively.

"I'm always down to hear you talk!" Subaru's eyes widened.

"Oh no, you'll get sick of me!"

"Bullshit." They looked at each other for a second, then turned away, laughing quietly.

"Really, though," Subaru persisted, his face warm. "How was your weekend?" Kamui shrugged theatrically, also slightly flushed.

"It was whatever, just work. Well, no, Friday was fun because I saw my friends," he corrected himself.

"I loved the pictures you sent me," Subaru told him, the heat in his face intensifying. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there…" Kamui waved the words aside as they crossed Columbus Avenue.

"Here we are, this place," Kamui said, indicating a small café. It was warm, with wood paneled walls, subway tiles and soft lighting. All around them people sat alone or in pairs, reading, talking or working. "Go steal that table," Kamui told Subaru, eyeing one in the far corner. "What do you want?"

"What? No no, let-"

"I'll get coffee, you get the table," Kamui said, in such a firm tone there was no contradicting it.

"Just regular coffee is fine," Subaru sighed, defeated.

"How do you take it?"

"Black."

"I thought so." Kamui flashed him one last smile, which Subaru returned before walking over to the table for two by the window. He took off his coat, hung it carefully on the back of his chair and sat down, watching Kamui across the room. He looked so much younger in his slim fitting jeans and hoodie than he had done at the party, though no less beautiful. His shiny black hair caught the light as he threw his head back, laughing at something the barista had said. He stuck a dollar in their tip jar and walked back over, carrying two cups on saucers with the utmost concentration. Subaru smiled affectionately as he placed one cup in front of him.

"Thank you," he said, quietly. "I'll get yours next time."

"Next time?" Kamui repeated, sounding excited.

"If that's okay!" Subaru added, eyes widening.

"Of course it is," Kamui assured him, his own eyes very bright, feeling the "next time" reverberate in his chest. They smiled at each other, continuing their conversation, trading stories. Kamui learned that Subaru was born in Kyoto, but lived most of his life in Tokyo with his twin sister, Hokuto, and their grandmother. Subaru learned that Kamui had grown up in the city, though his mother was originally from Tokyo, and she had travelled a lot for her job as a journalist.

"What type of journalist?" Subaru asked, curiously.

"She did everything, but mostly investigative work," Kamui replied, slowly, sipping coffee. Subaru noticed the past tense, but didn't say anything. Kamui swallowed. "She had all kinds of sources and weird people, it was sus as fuck, but she kept me well out of it. It was cool, but, also scary." Subaru nodded, that same weird feeling from the park back in full force.

"I can imagine." Kamui held his cup in both hands. He didn't often talk about his mother, but, it wasn't as painful with Subaru. He was so empathic; it wasn't scary to tell him things. He took a deep breath.

"She was killed two years ago, working overseas. I was twenty one," he said, almost challengingly. Subaru's eyes widened and his hands flew to his mouth.

"I'm so sorry!" He exclaimed, through his fingers, feeling Kamui's pain acutely in his own heart.

"Thank you," Kamui replied, aware of how genuine Subaru's sympathy was. He smiled sadly across the table, still gripping his cup, trying to convey his gratitude without words. Subaru returned the smile, aware Kamui didn't want to say anything else, or maybe couldn't.

"Is your father still with us?" Subaru asked, swallowing the sudden burning in his throat.

"I have no fucking idea," Kamui said, bluntly. "I never knew my dad, and my mom never talked about him." Subaru noted that this didn't cause Kamui any pain, or at least any recent pain. "All I've got is his last name, supposedly, but it's whatever. My mom's best friend, my Aunt Saya, lived across the hall from us with her daughter, so it was like having two parents anyway. I used to stay with her when my mom was away." Subaru smiled, listening eagerly. Truthfully, he found Kamui fascinating. It was like when he'd first met Seishiro, except that he'd come off as so mysterious and alluring, even now Subaru felt in the dark sometimes. Kamui was alluring too, but for the exact opposite reasons: he was open, honest, and genuinely interested in what was going on around him. There was a power in that, Subaru thought, and he felt totally unafraid of being drawn in further. Outside, the sun began to sink low in the sky, gilding everything in soft orange gold light.

"I should probably head home," Subaru said, regretfully, checking the time on his phone. Kamui looked at him reproachfully, though he understood.

"That's cool. What train do you need?"

"The 1."

"Oh word that's easy." Kamui stretched his arms above his head, pulling his shirt up and revealing pale skin and hipbones. "You're in the Financial District, right?" Subaru's eyes snapped up to Kamui's face.

"Yes, by the Freedom Tower." Kamui held his gaze, his expression softening.

"That must suck, with your powers," he said, sounding concerned. Subaru nodded, shuddering slightly.

"It does, I mean," his tone shifted. "Our building is very nice, and I put protection wards up in our apartment. Seishiro tells me it's weird, but he lets me do it, so…" Kamui blinked, but smiled.

"I'm glad," he said, kindly, wondering contemptuously why Subaru's boyfriend would say such things. "Should we head out?" Subaru nodded, still feeling regretful. Kamui stood up, picked up their empty cups and placed them in the bus bucket across the room. Subaru stood up too, putting on his coat and checking his phone again, though if there wasn't anything from Seishiro a minute ago, there probably wouldn't be anything now. "Ready?" Kamui asked when he returned, putting on his hoodie and picking up his bag. Subaru nodded and they headed out the door.

"What train are you taking?" Subaru asked, shivering slightly in the cool evening air.

"Same as you!" Kamui replied, grinning, and they headed west.

"Are you close by me?" Subaru asked, surprised.

"Not at all, I'm on 7th Street and 1st Ave, way the other side of town. I can show you, though, next time." Now the "next time" was reverberating in Subaru's chest. "Speaking of," Kamui said, sounding as if he were gathering his courage. "What are you doing Saturday?" Subaru took a deep breath, heart beating nervously.

"Nothing, unless work comes up, why?"

"My friends and I were all gonna chill and have dinner and play Mario Kart, and they told me to bring you." Subaru raised his eyebrows.

"They _told_ you?" He asked, though he was smiling. His heart beat faster as he thought of Kamui telling his friends about him.

"Well my one friend, Yuzuriha, and I have a score to settle and I want witnesses."

"This sounds serious!" Kamui nodded gravely.

"Dude it's Mario Kart, you gotta check your friendship at the door." Subaru burst out laughing, and Kamui felt his heart swell.

"I'm terrible at literally all videogames, but if you just need me to watch…" Kamui inhaled sharply, his face glowing.

"You'll come?" Subaru bit his lip, but truthfully he had no real reason to say no, and he was having such a good time with Kamui…

"I'll come."

"Fuck yes!" They entered the train station at 96th Street, the same one where Subaru and Seishiro had waited for the train after that party. Now, though, Subaru was going home after a fun day out with a friend he was liking more and more every second, and they were going to hang out on the weekend, and he wouldn't just be stuck in his apartment waiting for Seishiro to come home… "Do you want me to pick you up on Saturday? We'll be on Roosevelt Island again and it's a pain in the ass to get to."

"That'd be awesome, if it's not totally out of your way."

"Not at all!" The 1 train rattled into the station and people rushed out of it in an attempt to catch the 3 train across the platform. Subaru and Kamui stepped onto the 1 and chose seats in the corner. Around them, groups of students made noise and commuters stared dispassionately at their cellphones. "Just text me your address when we get service again," Kamui said, suddenly. "If you tell me now I won't remember."

"I'm the same way," Subaru replied, thinking again of Seishiro's words, even though Kamui didn't seem to mind. Out of nowhere he wondered if he should tell Seishiro about his plans with Kamui. He hadn't told him about today, yet, and honestly wasn't sure if he would. His faith in their relationship had been restored by their weekend of almost constant love making, but Seishiro was always unpredictable, and it would be so much easier if he left for Tokyo while they were on good terms…

"Are you okay?" Kamui asked, quietly, holding his bag tight to his chest.

"Yes of course! Sorry," he said, shaking his head. "Just, thinking about Seishiro leaving." Kamui groaned sympathetically.

"When does he leave?" Subaru sighed.

"Thursday. He won't be gone long, but…"

"You'll miss him, though." Subaru nodded. The train continued downtown, emptying and filling.

"I hope this isn't rude to ask, but, are you seeing anyone?" Subaru asked, a little awkwardly. Kamui breathed in slowly, thinking about how to answer.

"I mean," he began, just as awkwardly. "I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, if that's what you mean."

"But you have something else?" Subaru asked, curiously. The train paused between 34th and 28th Street because of "stop signals." Kamui looked Subaru in the face, noticing his eyes were still pretty even in the ugly orange light of the 1 train.

"You could say that." Subaru tilted his head to the side, and Kamui continued, evasively, "I'd miss him if he left for Tokyo for a week." Subaru smiled, but didn't ask anything else. Kamui decided not to add that what he'd miss most about Fuuma in that situation was how good he was in bed. "Honestly I have no idea what I'm doing, I just like hot interesting people." Subaru laughed, and Kamui's heart throbbed in his chest. "I had an awesome time with you today," Kamui said as they pulled into 18th Street.

"Me too," Subaru said, well aware of how true it was.

"The next stop is mine," Kamui said, regretfully.

"It's okay, we're hanging out Saturday, right?" Kamui loved hearing Subaru be playful and relaxed, hearing him laugh. He nodded, grinning.

"Just text me your address and I'll let you know what time I'm getting you." The train inched its way into 14th Street and Kamui stood up, swinging his bag over his shoulder. "I'll see you later!" Again, there was the awkwardness of how to say goodbye, but Kamui just waved over his shoulder as he left the train. Subaru watched him return his headphones to his ears and disappear into the swelling crowds, affection lapping in his chest. Subaru retrieved his own cellphone and preemptively typed out his address to send when he was back above ground. He reclined against the plastic seat, happily anticipating the weekend. As Subaru left the train at Rector Street, he felt his phone go off and saw a text from Seishiro.

" **I'm coming home early and bringing dinner, see you in an hour** " A smile broke out across Subaru's face. Seishiro's good mood was persisting and he was seeing Kamui this weekend. At least for now, things really were okay!

* * *

The rest of the week seemed to blur together after that. Kamui sold all of his remaining weed at a party he was randomly invited to (it was spring break for both NYU and The New School) and needed to get more. "You're so good," Fuuma told him as they stood in his living room, and Kamui felt the praise in his entire body.

"I try," he replied, shrugging. He couldn't remember exactly how the conversation had gone after that, but… "Oh _fuck_!" He moaned, throwing his head back in ecstasy, digging his fingernails into Fuuma's shoulders. They were on his couch, Kamui straddling his hips and riding his erection in hard, intense thrusts.

"You love this, don't you? Fuuma asked in a low voice, his expression a lustful sneer and his composure absolute. Kamui gasped, the question pulsing through him, making him blush and shudder.

"Y-yes!" He moaned, locking eyes with Fuuma, who grabbed onto his ass almost painfully hard.

"You love my dick inside you?" He asked, voice lowering still further, thrusting his hips up sharply to illustrate the point. Kamui cried out, a spasm of pleasure shocking his body. His hands shook, but he held tight to Fuuma's shoulders, trying to stay focused. He swallowed, then nodded, his face hot with his blush.

"Yes!" Fuuma's lip curled as he brought his hand around and took hold of Kamui's erection. Kamui let out another ecstatic moan, desperate for more.

"You think about me fucking you when you do this yourself?" Fuuma breathed, stroking him. Kamui moaned even harder, the question hitting him like a lightning strike. He shut his eyes tight, his entire body shaking, his orgasm _so_ close…! Then Fuuma took his hand away. He held Kamui's ass firm, keeping him in place, as he cried out in frustration. He tried to keep moving, but Fuuma dug his fingernails into the soft skin, smiling. "Answer me," he said, eyes flashing as they locked with Kamui's. A violent shiver ran through Kamui's body, but he glared back at Fuuma defiantly.

"Yes!" He said, trying and failing to sound unabashed. Fuuma's eyes narrowed.

"Show me."

"What?"

"Show me," Fuuma repeated, eyes darting to Kamui's erection, then back up to his face. Kamui's mouth fell open in a soft gasp, but any embarrassment he might have felt was no match for Fuuma's pull. He swallowed, but reached between them and took hold of his erection. He shut his eyes tight as he pleased himself, moaning at the rush he got from the wanton exhibitionism. Fuuma groaned appreciatively, and Kamui opened his eyes, smiling down at him. He felt powerful as he sped up his strokes, Fuuma's burning gaze feeding his arousal. "Come," Fuuma commanded, holding painfully tight to Kamui. The order alone was enough: every muscle in Kamui's body tensed up, then released all at once as he came all over his hand, groaning and gasping. Fuuma smiled in satisfaction as he watched Kamui's chest heave, pleasure pulsing through his body. He grabbed the back of Kamui's head and pulled him into a kiss, and he moaned even more, feeling swept away.

Then, out of nowhere, Fuuma wrapped his arms around Kamui and slammed him down onto the couch. He cried out in surprise as Fuuma pulled out of their kiss. He smirked down at Kamui before straightening up, pulling out and thrusting back, deep and hard, inside him. Kamui moaned at the force, and even though he was more than spent, it felt absolutely amazing. He groaned with each successive thrust, feeling Fuuma's hands pressing him down, his intensity, his pull, until he came with a low, guttural moan. He paused, eyes closed, deeply satisfied, before pulling out and relaxing against the couch. Kamui gasped softly but remained still, breathing, watching and waiting. Fuuma peeled off the condom he'd been wearing and stood up, apparently looking for his cellphone. Kamui swallowed, emptiness already spreading from his erection to his heart.

* * *

The morning of Seishiro's departure, Subaru got up at the crack of dawn to say goodbye. He made him coffee, trying to impart as much love as he could into the act. His chest ached and his throat burned, but they'd been apart before, and the last few days had been so good, and Seishiro would be back in time for them to celebrate his birthday together- "Subaru?"

"Yes? Sorry…" Seishiro smiled impassively and sipped from his mug.

"Be good while I'm gone," he said, softly.

"I will," Subaru assured him.

"I hope so." He drank more coffee, eyes still on Subaru, who swallowed before taking a bold step forward and kissing him tenderly on the lips. Seishiro emptied his mug into the sink, then, quick as a flash, lifted Subaru up onto the kitchen counter, kissing him violently. Subaru cried out in surprise, but wrapped his arms and legs around Seishiro, chest heaving with emotion. He moaned, gripping the back of Seishiro's shirt and- the intercom next to their door buzzed loudly, making Subaru jump. Seishiro cast the intercom a cold look and Subaru let go of him, arms and legs falling limply. Seishiro's lip curled as he picked up the receiver. "Yes? Right, thank you." He hung up and returned to Subaru, placing his hands on the counter on either side of him. "My car is here."

"I know," Subaru whispered. Seishiro's eyes glittered.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Seishiro kissed Subaru and pulled away _very_ slowly, exhaling against his lips. Subaru wanted to grab onto him, pull him close, but Seishiro reached between them and grabbed his erection through his pants, distracting him completely. Subaru gasped, stomach muscles pulling in and up.

"Take care of this yourself," he breathed.

"Right now?"

"Obviously not, send me a video."

"S-seishiro!" But he withdrew, stepped into the hallway and picked up his suitcase.

"Bye, Subaru." And with that, he was gone. Subaru watched the door shut behind him, the crash echoing in the emptiness. Subaru stared at the door blankly, his body aroused, heart sad and mind mortified. The minutes dragged by, but Subaru remained perched on the kitchen counter, staring at the closed door. Finally, he slid off onto the floor, washed Seishiro's mug and put it back in its cabinet before returning to their bedroom.

He lay down on the bed and picked up his cellphone from the bedside table. Holding it in one hand, he opened the camera. With the other, he pulled up his shirt, then reached into his pants, making himself hard again. He pressed record, then looked away, pleasing himself in fast, deliberate strokes. He moaned softly, forcing himself to think of Seishiro watching this, the way Seishiro looked when he was turned on, Seishiro's desire for him…

Subaru's face grew hot and his legs started to shake. He opened his eyes a millimeter to make sure everything was in frame, then snapped them closed. He'd done this over Facetime and Skype before, of course, but he never liked watching. Subaru thrust his hips up into his hand, moaning as the pressure built, speeding up his strokes. "Seishiro!" He gasped, then, with one last soft groan, Subaru came all over his hand and his belly. He shivered and gasped, collecting himself. He stopped recording, dropped his phone on the bed next to him and stared blankly at his other hand as he had at the door. He flexed his fingers, feeling a sense of ill usage creep into his body, or was that just loneliness?

Subaru yawned and decided he was too tired to think about it too much. He got up to go rinse off, hoping he'd be able to go back to sleep.

* * *

See? It's building, I swear! Next week's chapter is going to be... interesting. See you then!

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	5. Taste

**Gooood morning, morning glories!** Although I have no idea what time it is where any of you are.

How's everyone? This week has been INSANE trying to get read for **OTAKON 2016** , HELL YEAH! I am so excited it's sort of unreal. I'm cosplaying Kamui, if you're there, PLEASE come say hello, it'd make my weekend!

Anyway, this chapter. Oof. I think this was the chapter that needed the most editing so far. After getting a lot of really helpful feedback I realized like, half the dialogue didn't work so I changed it. Of course now I'm paranoid I've made a mistake, but I think it's all okay. A huge thank you to all my readers and reviewers, both here and on Tumblr. You guys are absolutely fantastic, I live for the feedback!

I think this chapter is where everything starts to get interesting. If this fic were a roller coaster, we've spent all our time climbing, and this chapter is right before the first peak.

Here we go, enjoy!

* * *

Kamui sent the " **What time are we meeting up and can I bring anything?** " and " **We're still on for tonight, right?** " texts as soon as he woke up on Saturday morning.

" **Come through like 6? And just yourself and Subaru!** " Sorata responded almost at once, followed by Subaru's

" **Of course! What time can I expect you?** " just as quickly. Kamui sent replies to both messages and spent the rest of the day in buoyant, though nervous, anticipation, running around making drop offs. He made his last stop at an NYU dorm on 23rd Street before hopping on the R to go pick up Subaru.

Kamui emerged at the Rector Street station on the fringe of the Financial District. One side was office buildings and competition and the other was Battery Park and cultural wasteland. He looked up Subaru's address again before cautiously proceeding west. He felt like he was in a maze of concrete and construction; there were no trees or semblance of open space. Eventually, he found Subaru's building, covered in plastic and scaffolding. He swallowed a sudden rush of nerves and entered the marble and chrome lobby. He approached the front desk, gave the doorman Subaru's apartment number and was sent upstairs at once.

In his apartment, Subaru waited eagerly by the door. A knock, and he opened it, revealing Kamui in his hoodie and headphones. "Hello," Subaru said graciously, stepping aside to let him in. Kamui smiled, removing his headphones.

"What's up?" He thought of hugging Subaru, but decided against it. "Your apartment is so nice dude, holy shit," he continued, looking around. Subaru laughed and shut the door.

"Would you like a tour?" Kamui toed off his shoes and his smile widened at the playful note in Subaru's voice.

"Yes please!" They looked at each other, Subaru smiling back warmly.

"This is the kitchen, obviously," he began, gesturing at the room directly in front of them. "The only thing we make in here is coffee, though," he added, in an embarrassed sort of way. Kamui's heart seemed to swell as he followed Subaru down the hallway into the living room. He loved hearing him playful and relaxed.

Subaru and his boyfriend had a very grown up apartment, all clean lines and sophisticated furniture. At the same time, though, there was an unsettling sterility: there were no pictures on the walls, no books that looked like they'd actually been read or other homey clutter. Subaru was saying something apologetically and Kamui just watched, noticing his eyes even in the gloom of all the drawn shades. "And this is our room." Subaru opened the door and Kamui peered inside, taking in more closed shades, the marble of the en suite just visible through another door and the low, king size bed covered in just one blanket. Kamui felt rather sad thinking of Subaru sleeping there by himself. He swallowed and faced his friend again.

"Your place is so nice, seriously. I'd feel bad inviting you over now." Subaru's eyes widened.

"Oh please! This is all Seishiro, I had nothing to do with it."

"Oh," Kamui replied, rather lamely, but then,

"You were going to invite me over?" Subaru asked, looking both bewildered and touched. Kamui met his gaze, a sudden flush creeping up his neck.

"Maybe," he said, trying to sound playful but mostly sounding tragic. A pause.

"I'll, go get my stuff together." Subaru hurried into his bedroom, also a little pink in the face. "What's it like outside?" He asked, deciding between two sweaters.

"It's so fucking nice out," Kamui said, making Subaru laugh: his intensity was weirdly refreshing and completely contagious. Subaru gathered keys, phone, money and cigarettes.

"Ready!"

"Sweet, let's be out!" They left the apartment, walking side by side, occasionally catching each other's eyes. Neither of them spoke until they were back outside, the evening light warm, soft and soothing.

"Did you work last night?" Subaru asked, tentatively.

"Nope! I got the whole weekend off because I sold so much weed this week." Subaru nodded, unsure what to say next, though he couldn't help but be curious.

"I hope this isn't too intrusive," he began, cautiously. "But-"

"You can ask me about this," Kamui answered the unasked question in a rush, blushing.

"Really?" Subaru asked, surprised.

"Yes!" Kamui replied, rather forcefully. "I mean," his tone softened. "It'd be better if you waited until you came over," he continued, smiling furtively, and Subaru smiled back.

"Okay." They entered the R train station and stood facing each other on the platform amid crowds of tourists.

"Speaking of," Kamui said, very suddenly. "My friends don't know what I do and I want to keep it that way." Subaru's eyes widened but he nodded earnestly.

"I understand." The train rattled clumsily into the station and they took two seats in the corner. "Can I ask why you haven't told them?" Subaru asked, very quietly. Kamui looked at him seriously for a second before sighing softly.

"I don't want them to worry, and I don't want them involved." Subaru nodded. "To be honest with you I wouldn't have told you if I'd known we were going to," he paused. "Like, become friends and shit." Subaru nodded again, feeling relieved to know that Kamui's flippant attitude really was just his professional demeanor. "But yeah, don't you worry either," Kamui added, very seriously. Subaru looked into his determined face, feeling his intensity.

"So how do your friends think we met?" He asked, his heart speeding up.

"That same party, but I was bartending."

"Sounds good." They talked about other things for the rest of the train ride, sharing their secret like a talisman between them. At 59th Street they got off the train and proceeded east, laughing and messing around all the way to 2nd Avenue.

"I hate this thing," Kamui said, eyeing the tram station with distaste.

"Are you scared of heights or something?" Subaru asked.

"No!" Kamui snapped, glowering. "Just wait and see." Subaru laughed and followed him into the station. They boarded the tram and stood around the same pole, looking out the windows.

"So we're going to see Sorata and Arashi, right?" Subaru asked, not wanting to seem rude when they arrived.

"Yup, and our other friend Yuzuriha will be there too."

"Right!" The doors closed and the tram began its creaky way upwards, swaying alarmingly. Subaru started, looking around at the noise and holding tight to the pole.

"You see what I'm saying?" Kamui asked, dryly.

"Yes," Subaru replied at once, though the corners of his mouth lifted as he stared outside. "It's beautiful up here, though." Kamui nodded in agreement, though he kept his eyes on Subaru's face. He watched his eyes widen and smile broaden at the golden evening light shining on the river below them. He looked almost innocent as his wonder shown through the polite sadness he presented to the world. Kamui felt his chest constrict.

"It looks even better at night, when everything's lit up." Subaru inhaled sharply.

"I bet," he said, his eyes shining. Kamui gripped the pole tightly, unable to think of anything else to say. He continued to watch Subaru until the tram shuddered violently into the station on Roosevelt Island. The doors slid open and Subaru followed Kamui out onto the main street. Subaru looked around curiously, taking in his surroundings. "I see what you mean," he said, slowly.

"Huh?"

"This place is strange…" His voice trailed away, but he found the strangeness intriguing rather than off-putting, or was that just his excitement at being out with Kamui, going to see friends? "Does this count as a park or can I smoke here?" Kamui snorted, loving to hear Subaru joking around.

"I think you're fine," he replied, watching Subaru light up. He took a deep pull, then exhaled, his lips forming a kiss around the smoke. "Subaru," he said, suddenly, though he had no idea what to say. His heart hammered against his ribs as Subaru turned.

"Hmm?" Kamui swallowed.

"Nothing, just, I'm glad you're here," he said, feeling utterly lame even though he was telling the truth. Subaru smiled, feeling the words in his chest. Truthfully Kamui's friendship had been such a help since they'd met. It meant a great deal to Subaru, though he wasn't feeling brave enough to tell him so.

"Me too, thank you for inviting me," he replied, his eyes bright. They set off together down the street, and Kamui felt a sudden, weird ache in his chest. It was like leaving Fuuma's apartment, except he wasn't empty at all. He tried not to think about it too much as they arrived outside Arashi and Sorata's building, pausing so Subaru could finish his cigarette.

"Don't be nervous," Kamui said, watching him exhale the last of the smoke.

"You seem more nervous than me," Subaru observed, and Kamui rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, well, I just hope everyone behaves themselves." Subaru laughed, and the ache in Kamui's chest throbbed painfully. Maybe it was nerves? Probably. They entered the building, gave their names to the doorman and were cleared to go upstairs. They walked down the carpeted hallway to a corner apartment and Kamui banged on the door. "Police!" He yelled, making Subaru laugh. Locks scraped and clicked and the door opened, revealing a young man wearing an apron and a curious, determined expression.

"Oh shit!" He exclaimed, pulling Kamui into a hug and clapping him hard on the back. "Good to see you!"

"You too!" He let go of Kamui and turned to Subaru, holding out his hand with a smile.

"And you must be Subaru!"

"Ah, yes!" They shook hands, and Subaru could feel warmth and calluses.

"I'm Sorata, it's great to finally meet you!" Subaru smiled, bemused, but pleased.

"Thank you, um, likewise!" Sorata beamed.

"I'm sorry, let me get the fuck out of the way, come in!" He stepped aside and Subaru and Kamui entered the apartment, toeing off their shoes. "You didn't tell us your friend had such a pretty face," Sorata scolded Kamui under his breath. Kamui rolled his eyes, not looking at Subaru as he flushed suddenly. "This is our place," Sorata told Subaru, leading him further inside. "Well, _technically_ it's my grandfather's, but he lets us stay here. It's not much, but-"

"It's wonderful, what are you talking about?" Subaru cut him off.

"Pretty _and_ smart, he can stay!" Sorata called to Kamui, who felt the heat in his face intensify. Why was he feeling so nervous and weird, what the fuck? He sighed heavily and collected himself before following them into the living room. Arashi and Yuzuriha looked as though they'd been talking on the couch, but stood up when the three of them entered the room. "Subaru, this is my lady, Arashi." Arashi smiled graciously and shook Subaru's hand. "And our friend Yuzuriha."

"Nice to meet you!" She exclaimed, also shaking Subaru's hand.

"Would you like a drink?" Arashi asked. Subaru felt a little overwhelmed at all the attention, but he liked the good energy.

"Oh, um, sure! Thank you," he said, smiling around at everyone.

"Come with me," she said, and he followed her into the kitchen.

"Wasn't Kamui also supposed to be here?" Yuzuriha asked, turning to Sorata, who looked around.

"There he is!" Kamui had slunk around the other side of the room to go put on music. Sorata and Yuzuriha looked at each other, then at Kamui, their eyebrows raised.

"What?!" He demanded, more aggressively than he'd intended. Yuzuriha and Sorata exchanged another look and Kamui knew he was blushing, goddamn it. "I'm putting on music!" He told them, with as much dignity as he could manage. Yuzuriha rolled her eyes.

"If you put on that song about stars again I'll strangle you," Sorata said, warningly.

"I won't, I won't, damn!" Kamui snapped back, though he grinned as he found the song he wanted. Subaru and Arashi reentered the room just as Kamui's song blasted from the speakers, way louder than he'd expected. "Oh fuck, my bad!" He exclaimed, hastily lowering the volume. Subaru approached him, laughing, and handed him a beer.

"Arashi says you like this kind," he said, and Kamui nodded, smiling at Subaru. Over his shoulder, he saw Yuzuriha and Sorata exchange another look.

"Thanks," he said, taking a grateful sip.

"Your friends are so nice," Subaru said in a warm, quiet voice.

"Yeah I guess they're all right," Kamui conceded, grudgingly.

"I'm going to fry the croquettes now!" Sorata announced to the room at large.

"Do you need help?" Arashi asked, stopping him with a touch on the arm. Sorata kissed her.

"Nah, you relax, I got this." Arashi smiled and watched him return to the kitchen.

"Why are you guys in the corner?" Yuzuriha demanded, throwing herself back onto the couch and grinning.

"Fuck off," Kamui told her irritably as he and Subaru walked back over. Yuzuriha ignored him.

"So what do you do?" She asked Subaru as he took the space next to her.

"I'm an onmyoji," he replied, a little unnerved by her interest.

"I know the word, but…" Subaru smiled and explained. Kamui sat down on the floor next to Subaru and Arashi smiled when she caught his eye.

"It's really not that exciting," Subaru continued, sipping his drink. Yuzuriha seemed more than ready to dispute this, but Subaru spoke first. "What do you do?"

"I'm still in college, but after I graduate my dream is to go to vet school." Subaru's eyes widened.

"Really? That's amazing! I wanted to be a vet when I was a kid, but-"

"I didn't know that," Kamui interrupted, and Subaru laughed embarrassedly, sipping his drink.

"Yeah, but then I found out you have to dissect animals and I just, I can't." He shook his head and shuddered. Yuzuriha and Arashi both stifled small cries of "Aww!" before hastily sipping their own drinks.

"Damn," Kamui said, his heart seeming to swell in his chest.

"Weird, I know," Subaru began, apologetically.

"Not weird at all!" Yuzuriha interjected firmly. Arashi caught Kamui's eye again, her hand on her chest. Kamui ignored her, though he was feeling exactly the same way. The conversation continued around him and he was content to watch. It was exciting to see Subaru at ease, trading stories with Yuzuriha and laughing at Arashi's commentary. He remembered him at the party up on 96th Street, so uptight and anxious. Kamui wasn't sure if he was better now because of the company, the lack of pressure or because his boyfriend wasn't there. Either way, he felt a deep warmth in his chest, though that was probably from the beer he'd consumed.

"The first batch is ready!" Everyone looked around to see Sorata framed in the kitchen doorway, an excited gleam in his eye. Kamui stood up and drained the last of his beer, listening to Subaru and Yuzuriha's conversation.

"I volunteer at a dog shelter, you can totally come visit sometime," she said.

"I can?"

"Sure! My boss is pretty cool about stuff like that," she assured him, going slightly pink.

"This looks amazing, dude, holy shit," Kamui exclaimed, when they entered the kitchen. He immediately seized a plate and piled it with croquettes.

"Obviously!" Sorata replied, grinning. "Take all you want, you know I always make too much!" Everyone loaded their plates with croquettes, rice and vegetables, grabbed more drinks and returned to the living room. "Someday we'll have a dining table," Sorata said ruefully, sitting on the floor next to Kamui.

"That's the dream!" Yuzuriha agreed, biting into a croquette and closing her eyes in satisfaction. "Delicious as always," she added, grinning.

"Really," Subaru agreed.

"Ahh it's nothing," Sorata replied, smiling at them. "I haven't made these in forever so I'm happy."

"Oh yeah! The last time you made them we were all smoking and Kamui tried to swallow one whole and burned the hell out of his mouth!" Yuzuriha exclaimed, laughing rather evilly.

"Shut the fuck up," Kamui snapped back, and everyone else burst into laughter. He blushed, though in retrospect it was pretty funny.

"Why would you do that?" Subaru asked him, looking genuinely confused even through his laughter.

"I was high!" He exclaimed ruefully, before biting defiantly into a croquette. Subaru laughed affectionately, listening as everyone became expansive under the food and alcohol. He was surprised at how calm he felt; Kamui's friends were so cool and interesting and intense, but he didn't feel out of place at all.

"So you guys went to high school together?" Subaru asked Kamui and Sorata.

"Yup! We'd been cool for a while though, he used to live down the hall from me," Kamui explained. "He was a few grades above me so he always ignored me when we were actually in school." Sorata threw him a nasty look.

"That was because you used to start fights with everyone," he shot back. Kamui rolled his eyes.

"Fuck out of here, it was you guys who started that fight in the basement with literally the entire school." Sorata laughed fondly, nostalgia lighting his features.

"Oh the one where the kids from Stuyvesant were talking shit? Yeah!" Subaru watched the exchange, finding it both fascinating and rather horrifying. It was also way too easy to picture Kamui as an angry high school student picking fights with people.

"I went to private school, we had to use psychological warfare," Arashi told Subaru, and he laughed, scared to think what that would entail.

"I dropped out of high school so I can't comment. My sister was the one who'd get into fights, anyway," he said, going slightly pink and sipping his drink. Kamui looked up at him.

"I hope this isn't totally putting you off," he said, apprehensively, but Subaru smiled.

"Of course it isn't." Kamui returned his smile, heat rushing up his face.

"Sorry to interrupt, but isn't it time for me to wreck your life in Mario Kart?" Came Yuzuriha's voice from somewhere far away.

"Already? Damn!" Kamui drained his beer. Arashi stood up, sighed resignedly and collected everyone's plates.

"Here, let me help you," Subaru started to say, but Arashi shook her head.

"You're fine, stay there," she said, heading back into the kitchen.

"Do you guys want to smoke first?" Kamui asked, looking around. Yuzuriha grinned.

"Sure!" Sorata grinned and got up to get his pipe and lighter off a bookshelf. Kamui dug in his bag for the dimebag he'd stuck in there. Subaru watched him, curious and apprehensive.

"Don't tease me with that, they're doing drug tests at the hospital again," Arashi said wistfully as she reentered the room.

"I'm sorry," Kamui told her, sincerely, as he loaded Sorata's pipe very carefully, then lit it. He inhaled deeply, held the smoke in his lungs and exhaled smoothly, already feeling it in his face. He offered the pipe to Subaru, who eyed it nervously.

"Do a shotgun hit!" Yuzuriha cried, looking excited, and Kamui threw her a very nasty look.

"That's okay, I don't-" Subaru began, hastily.

"Excuse me, how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?" Kamui interrupted, smiling, feeling the effects intensifying. Subaru sighed heavily.

"That's-" he started to say, but jumped, his phone going off in his pocket. He retrieved it and felt his heart rate spike. "I'm so sorry, I have to take this, is there…?"

"You can go to our room," Sorata said at once. "Right through that door."

"Thank you! I'll be right back, I'm so sorry!" Subaru jumped up and hurried into Sorata and Arashi's room. "Hey!" They all heard him say.

"Hello," came Seishiro's quiet voice. "How are you?" Subaru's heart pounded as he closed the bedroom door.

"I'm great! How are you? How's Tokyo? Have you been busy?" He was pleased to get a phone call: all he'd had so far had been short texts confirming his arrival and approval of the video.

"All these questions," Seishiro said, sounding amused.

"I miss you," Subaru told him, his heart still racing.

"You're sweet."

"Who was that?" Sorata asked.

"His boyfriend," Kamui said, the words bitter in his mouth. Yuzuriha choked on the hit she was taking and coughed, pointing at him through the smoke.

"Kamui you're a home wrecker!" She giggled.

"Forbidden love! It's so romantic!" Sorata added, and the pair of them dissolved into laughter.

"Will you guys shut up? Seriously," Kamui snapped, anger flaring suddenly in his hazy mind.

"Okay let's put on Mario Kart!" Arashi interrupted hurriedly, before the discussion could escalate.

"Where are you?" Seishiro asked, and Subaru felt the excitement that had flared inside him cool very suddenly.

"I'm at a friend's house," he replied, wary of Seishiro's tone.

"That friend from the party?"

"One of his friend's houses, for dinner."

"Ah, well, don't let me keep you." Subaru shuddered.

"No no, it's okay," he said at once.

"I just wanted to check in," Seishiro replied, coolly. Subaru swallowed.

"Are you upset with me?"

"Should I be?" Subaru sighed heavily.

"No! I just, it seemed like, I don't know-"

"Go back to your friends," Seishiro cut him off. "We'll talk later."

"Wait!" But Seishiro ended the call. Subaru sank onto the bed, the hand holding his phone falling sadly into his lap. His stomach twisted in worry and his heart raced alarmingly. Was Seishiro really angry? Had he done something wrong? The same unanswerable questions whirled in Subaru's head, making him dizzy and confused. He thought of calling Seishiro back, of demanding an explanation, but he knew it would only make things worse. That same feeling of ill usage Subaru had felt the morning Seishiro had left rose up inside him. Was it so much to ask for Seishiro to be honest? To be straightforward? His insides clenched painfully and his frustrated sadness and worry were magnified by his intoxication.

He knew that this would pass, that the best thing to do was just to wait it out, but how long could he take it? And what about now? He'd have to return to his new friends and to Kamui and explain himself. Of course, explain himself actually meant make up an excuse and pretend everything was fine. It was bad enough that Kamui had seen how much he and Seishiro argued and how much it affected him. He didn't need anyone else to know. To judge, to worry, to talk. Shame and self-disgust bubbled sickeningly inside him. Why couldn't he just keep things okay? What did he continue to do wrong? Subaru covered his face with his hands, feeling so terribly alone.

"Fuck!" Kamui cried, resisting the urge to throw the controller.

"And another round to me!" Yuzuriha exclaimed, delightedly, swigging her drink.

"I hate you so much right now I swear to god…"

"Can we _not_ pick Dry Dry Desert this time?" Sorata whined, and everyone laughed. The bedroom door opened and Subaru returned to the living room, carefully stepping around the coffee table.

"Everything okay?" Kamui asked Subaru quietly as he took his seat again. Subaru's throat burned.

"Yeah of course! Who's winning?" Kamui felt the sadness behind the exuberance, even if no one else did, but decided not to comment on it.

The rest of the night passed in a wash of more croquettes, alcohol, smoke and videogame saltiness. Subaru threw himself in as best he could, trying to suppress his worries about Seishiro. It was nearly 11 before Yuzuriha finally said she needed to get going, after winning every race and gloating about it. "Are we starting the walk off?" Kamui asked, standing up and stretching.

"Looks that way," Sorata replied as he and Arashi also got to their feet. Kamui, Yuzuriha and Subaru gathered their things rather clumsily. Sorata stood behind Arashi, wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. Subaru watched them, his heart aching as he thought of Seishiro. He was never that openly affectionate, even when they were alone, even after love making. It had never occurred to Subaru to be bothered by this before, but that feeling of ill usage kept gnawing painfully in his chest, or was it merely exacerbated by all the alcohol he'd consumed in a pointless attempt to dull it? He jumped at a sudden touch on his arm.

"Ready?" Kamui asked, looking concerned.

"Mm." Kamui continued to watch him, looking more concerned by the second. It made Subaru feel discomposed and guilty. He knew Kamui had been worried since that phone call, and he felt terrible for it. Kamui's head was slow and blurry, but all the substances made him feel braver, or at least less able to give a fuck. He held onto Subaru's arm tenderly.

"Are you sure you're all right?" He asked in a low voice. Subaru's lips parted. He drew comfort from the touch even as guilt churned his insides. He placed his hand over Kamui's and nodded.

"I'm fine, don't worry."

"Get a room!" Sorata called from over by the door, and Arashi stamped on his foot. Kamui withdrew from Subaru at once, blushing, and they walked over to the door, not looking at each other. "It was great meeting you!" Sorata said, hugging Subaru, who looked rather startled, but pleased.

"You as well, thank you so much for having me!"

"Ahh it's no problem, come see us again!" Kamui rolled his eyes affectionately as he hugged Arashi goodbye.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered to him.

"Don't worry about it," he replied. They broke apart and Sorata seized Kamui, hugging him and clapping him on the back. "Thanks for dinner," Kamui told him.

"Thanks for coming!" Sorata replied. Kamui could see him about to make some other ignorant comment and prevented it by asking Yuzuriha how she was getting home.

"I'm going uptown so I'll take the tram with you guys," she said, then hugged Arashi to divert any questions. Finally, everyone had said their goodbyes and Subaru, Kamui and Yuzuriha were out the door.

On the walk back to the tram, Subaru stood slightly apart from Kamui and Yuzuriha, smoking and watching them, trying not to think about Seishiro. He liked watching Kamui and his friends, seeing the ease with which they could just _be_ with each other, how relaxed and happy Kamui seemed even as everyone teased him all night. There were still traces of that mysterious, enigmatic person he'd met in Zuccotti Park, but truthfully, Subaru found Kamui just as intriguing out of his professional role. He finished his cigarette, wondering in spite of himself what Seishiro would think if he found out what Kamui actually did for a living. Of course, it didn't seem to matter who Subaru spent time with, Seishiro would always get angry about it. It had been that way with Hokuto, after all.

"Okay in all seriousness, will you _please_ tell me who you're meeting up with?" Kamui asked Yuzuriha. She sighed heavily as they entered the tram station.

"The guy I'm seeing," she replied, very quietly, looking meaningfully at Kamui.

"I want to pry, but I won't."

"Thank you." He could tell she was being secretive for a reason, and considering his situation, he could hardly ask her to explain herself. They boarded the tram and all held onto the same pole, swaying slightly. "How are you doing?" Yuzuriha asked Subaru, grinning. Subaru returned her smile, and Kamui's chest constricted.

"I'm drunk," he said, truthfully, blushing. There was no way he'd even try to explain all that was going on inside his mind at the moment. Yuzuriha and Kamui laughed as the doors closed.

"Are you guys just going home now?" Yuzuriha asked. Subaru and Kamui looked at each other.

"It's up to you," Kamui said, also blushing. Subaru shrugged.

"I suppose so." The tram rolled slowly up the cable. Beneath them the buildings were draped in velvety night, their lighted windows glittering like yellow stars. "You were right about it being even prettier after dark," Subaru said quietly, looking out of the windows. Yuzuriha smiled at Kamui and he could tell she was fighting back another "Aww!"

"Told you," he said quietly, looking away from her. The rest of the ride passed in silence, the three of them introspective from the substances and the late hour. Finally they pulled into the station and headed west towards the train. 59th Street was almost totally deserted. All the stores that were usually lit up and teaming with people were dark and empty. It also seemed far colder on this side of the river and a sharp wind caught them in the backs of their necks. It was a relief to reach the train station, which was at least warm and lit up even in its griminess.

"I'm taking this," Yuzuriha told them when they found themselves at the uptown 6 platform.

"It was awesome to see you," Kamui told her, smiling and hugging her. "Get some for me," he added softly.

"Yeah, you too!" She replied, laughing.

"I hate you." They broke apart and she hesitated for a moment before hugging Subaru goodbye.

"It was great meeting you!"

"You too! Let me know when it's okay to come visit your shelter!"

"For sure!"

"Text me when you're somewhere safe, okay?" Kamui said.

"I will!" Yuzuriha smiled and waved at Subaru and Kamui as they headed down a set of stairs towards the NQR platform. They didn't speak until they took their places by a pillar, hoping the train wouldn't take too long.

"I'm so glad you came out tonight," Kamui said, quietly, after a few minutes.

"Me too!" Subaru replied earnestly, his heart swelling rapidly. "Your friends are great!" Kamui flushed, though he knew it was true.

"They think you're great too," he replied, and Subaru blushed.

"It's been so long since I've hung out like that," he said, without really meaning to. His blush deepened. Kamui watched, curious, his heart speeding up.

"Since you left Tokyo?"

"Even there, I mostly spent time with my sister, but," he continued, the words seeming to spill out of him, and Kamui felt a sudden wave of sadness. "We haven't spoken since I came here." His eyes widened in horror. "Sorry!" He said at once, feeling exposed and gross. Why had he said that? Kamui reached out cautiously and touched Subaru's arm.

"What for?" Subaru shivered slightly at Kamui's touch, but found it reassuring all the same.

"I feel bad telling you stuff like that, it's…" but he couldn't think of what exactly it was. He felt like he'd said too much: admitting he hadn't spoken to his sister in months was embarrassing, and-

"It's cool, you're my friend, I'll always listen." He gave Subaru's arm a squeeze, making him smile cautiously. It was still weird for Subaru to be on this side of the conversation: people tended to unload their problems and issues on him because of his line of work, and he'd always been happy to listen. Now though, after being isolated for months with no outlet, he found it was an enormous relief to talk, and Kamui had always so kindly listened. Subaru felt the words rising up in his chest and knew it was pointless to resist them. As if he'd read his mind, Kamui asked,

"Is it cool if I ask why?" Subaru took a deep breath in, surrendering.

"Hokuto doesn't like Seishiro," he began. "At first she was happy I'd met someone who I was actually invested in and committed to, but, once everything got more serious," he paused, blushing, and Kamui squeezed his arm reassuringly. "I told her I was going back to New York with him and she got so angry at me, we argued about it constantly." He swallowed, his voice thick with emotion. "It felt like she wanted me to choose between her and Seishiro, but how do you choose between your sister and the person you love?!" His voice rose sharply and his eyes sparked. The sadness he felt had flash-heated to anger, taking him by surprise. He looked away from Kamui.

"It's okay," Kamui said at once, before Subaru could even think of apologizing.

"The night before I left she begged me to stay, but…" He looked Kamui in the face, staring so intently it was almost painful. "I guess I made my choice." He looked away again, and Kamui's throat burned. Riding a sudden swell of emotion and intoxicated bravery, he pulled Subaru into an embrace. Subaru stiffened and inhaled sharply, hesitated, then ever so slowly, relaxed into the support. He still felt terribly ashamed of what had happened with Hokuto, especially in light of how much he and Seishiro had been arguing. However, talking about it seemed to release something, somehow. He wrapped his arms around Kamui, breathing deeply into his friend's embrace.

"I'm so sorry," Kamui told him, and Subaru shut his eyes tight. "That must have hurt so much." Subaru didn't trust himself to speak, so he just nodded against Kamui's shoulder. Kamui felt Subaru's shame and guilt in his own chest as he held him close. He wanted to help him feel better, alleviate his pain, but everything he thought of saying seemed shallow and insincere.

A sudden rumbling at the end of the subway tunnel startled them and they broke apart. The R train crept slowly down the track, stopping twice before it pulled into the station completely. They took seats in the corner, away from the other chattering passengers. "I'm sorry to bring all this up," Subaru said softly as the train began to move. "We were having such a good night, and-"

"It's fine, seriously," Kamui interrupted. He thought for a moment of pointing out that Subaru had been in a weird mood since his boyfriend had called, but that seemed grossly insensitive. "For what it's worth, I don't think you actually did choose," he said.

"What do you mean?" Kamui paused, wishing his mind weren't so hazy.

"I mean, it seems like you got caught in the middle, but it also seems like you're still there."

"I don't regret anything, if that's what you mean," Subaru said, emphatically.

"No no, that's not what I meant!" Kamui said, frustrated with himself. "It's just, you were stuck in a shitty situation, like it sounds fucking terrible, and yeah you came here with your boyfriend but you obviously still think about your sister a lot. You didn't _choose_ anyone over her, you just came here." Yes, that sounded right. Subaru and Kamui looked at each other.

"Thank you for saying that," Subaru said, and he meant it. "I don't think Hokuto feels the same way, though."

"Well that's a separate issue," Kamui said, though he thought that Hokuto probably wasn't nearly as angry with Subaru as he thought she was. They sat in silence, riding the train and their intoxicated emotions. Kamui would get off soon, but he didn't want to leave Subaru by himself, especially knowing he would go back to that cold, sterile apartment… At 23rd Street Subaru felt his chest clench, he didn't want Kamui to go.

"Do you-" both Subaru and Kamui said at exactly the same time before laughing embarrassedly.

"You first," Kamui said. Subaru took a deep breath in.

"Do you want to come back to my apartment for another drink? I mean, I know it's late, so-" Kamui's face illuminated.

"Sure!"

"Really?"

"Hell yeah!" Subaru smiled in relief, a soft blush in his face. The train ran express to Canal Street and they were back at Subaru's stop quickly after that. It was freezing outside as they hurried back to his building. They cast each other furtive looks as they took the elevator upstairs, but didn't say anything. Kamui took out his phone to check the time and smiled at a text from Yuzuriha.

" **I'm all good, have a good night! xooxoxo** "

"I liked all the music you played earlier," Subaru said as they left the elevator, suddenly feeling awkward. He had no idea what he'd do with Kamui now he'd got him here, but he was thrilled not to be alone for a few hours more.

"I can put it on when we get inside, if you want," Kamui said, watching Subaru unlock the door and following him into his apartment.

"Yeah! Hold on." He walked down the hall to the living room, turning on lights as he went, though it was still rather dark. Kamui toed off his shoes and followed. "I don't have real speakers like Sorata and Arashi," Subaru said apologetically, opening his laptop on the coffee table.

"Well fuck, I guess I shouldn't bother, then!" Kamui replied, throwing up his hands dramatically. Subaru rolled his eyes, but laughed, which made Kamui very happy. It seemed Subaru had recovered from the train ride, and he was eager to keep him smiling.

"Do you want another drink?" Subaru asked, standing up.

"Yes please," Kamui replied, feeling the effects of what he'd already consumed wearing off.

"I think I have some wine somewhere," Subaru said, heading back down the hall.

"Classy!" Kamui called after him, and Subaru looked back to roll his eyes again.

"Oh please." Kamui grinned. He sat down on the couch and went onto YouTube to play music. A dreamy voice issued from the computer as Subaru appeared beside him and handed him a glass of red wine.

"This is all I have. It's not that good, but…"

"Dude I have low standards, it's fine." They clinked their glasses together. Kamui took a sip, smiling appreciatively and curling his legs up under him. Subaru felt warmth in his face and neck, from the drink and the company. It had suddenly occurred to him how totally fine Kamui had been with him on the train, how he'd just ridden the change in mood and been helpful and compassionate like it was no big deal. Once again, he thought of Seishiro, never listening, shutting him down and getting angry with him for feeling things. With a new, deep gratitude, he watched Kamui grab onto his right toes and extend his leg long in front of him, stretching deeply, still holding his wine glass in his other hand.

"You're so flexible!" Subaru blurted out, hastily taking a sip of wine. Kamui smiled, letting go of his right foot to grab the other, stretching.

"Nah, not really. One of my customers is a yoga instructor, so we trade weed for sessions." Subaru laughed disbelievingly.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah! Well, she also buys psychedelics from me sometimes because her husband likes them. It works out good though; she gets high and I get felt up by a hot girl." Subaru let out a snort of laughter and Kamui straightened up, grinning. Subaru sipped more wine, registering again how beautiful Kamui's face was.

"Your customers sound," he began, though he had no idea where he'd been going with that sentence. Kamui placed his wine glass on the coffee table and held both of his feet, arching his back in a deep stretch.

"Normal?" He offered, watching Subaru blush. "I'm like, the safe, 'middle class' person to buy from," he explained, letting go of his feet as he curled himself up to a straight spine. Subaru kept his eyes on his face, his blush deepening for some reason, listening with rapt attention. "My," Kamui paused. "My boss, says that's what I'm best for."

"And what do you think?" Subaru asked, before he could stop himself.

"Oh he's totally right, I mean, come on," Kamui replied, folding his legs underneath him and picking up his wine glass. Subaru nodded, fascinated, but then,

"Is this song about a serial killer?!" He asked, his eyes widening. Kamui burst out laughing.

"You said you liked this song, fuck out of here!" Subaru awkwardly joined in with his laughter and Kamui was thrilled to hear it. "This artist fucks around a lot, but I love her stuff," he continued.

"Is this what you're always listening to?" Subaru asked, feeling the effects of his drink and swaying softly to the music.

"Recently, yeah. I'm glad you like it!"

"I do." They drank more wine, listening contentedly. "So your boss," Subaru said tentatively, after a minute or so.

"What about him?" Kamui asked, apprehensive.

"He, he just tells you who to sell to?" Kamui took a gulp of wine and stared at Subaru, who felt his sudden surge of energy. "Sorry, I was just curious!" Subaru said, backing down at once.

"It's okay!" Kamui replied. "I'm just, not used to answering questions, that's all."

"I understand." Kamui's face softened, though Subaru still felt his intensity, his power, and found it totally enthralling.

"My boss, Fuuma, he's more my supplier, truly," Kamui said. "I go get everything I sell from him and usually he'll give me specific assignments. Like that party where I saw you," he added, smiling. Subaru nodded, listening. "I've only met a few people I work with and to be honest I really don't know anything about how it all works, but, that way if I get caught I'll have nothing to say." He sipped more wine.

"Aren't you afraid?" Subaru asked quietly.

"I mean, I can compartmentalize," he said, though Subaru's words seemed to knock something loose in his chest. "What fucks me up is selling to people I know have problems." He let out a heavy sigh and Subaru placed a hand on his arm. Kamui smiled softly at the touch, suddenly aware of how good it felt to say all of this out loud. He'd never told anyone, after all. "Sorry to get all serious on you!" He said, taking another gulp of wine.

"It's okay, you put up with me on the train," Subaru reminded him.

"It's all good," Kamui replied.

"I really like hanging out with you," Subaru said in a rush, before hastily sipping wine, though he obviously meant it.

"Likewise, I think you're cool as fuck!" Subaru laughed almost disbelievingly, though the words made his heart soar. They finished their wine as the music continued, laughing and talking. After who knows how long, Kamui yawned and Subaru's eyes widened in that characteristic concern. Had he always had such long eyelashes?

"Are you tired?" He asked. Kamui nodded sadly.

"Yeah, I should probably head home." He set down his empty glass and stood up, stretching. For a split second, Subaru caught sight of his belly and hipbones, then turned quickly to check the time on his laptop.

"It's way too late, you should just stay over!" Kamui stared back, suddenly feeling the full effects of his drink.

"What?"

"It'd take you forever to get home now, you should just stay; it's no trouble!" Subaru stood up too, swaying slightly but steadying himself.

"Are you sure?" Kamui asked. Going home this late would most definitely suck…

"Positive!" Kamui smiled.

"Can I sleep in your bed?"

"Yes!" Subaru exclaimed before he realized what he was agreeing to, his brain slow and fuzzy.

"I was just kidding, but, cool," Kamui replied rather sheepishly. They looked at each other; drunk, warm, tense.

"I'll get you something to sleep in," Subaru said hurriedly, returning to his room. Kamui shut off the music and lights, then followed. "These should work," Subaru said, handing Kamui sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"Thanks." He scurried into the en suite and shut the door behind him, feeling suddenly breathless. He looked in the mirror and watched himself take off his shirt, noticing the deep flush in his face and the bruises on his lower neck and collarbones. He pulled on Subaru's shirt, smelling smoke and soap and skin as the soft fabric caressed his chest. He pulled the neck of the shirt up to his nose, inhaling deeply. ' _Subaru_ …' He looked up, caught his reflection's eye and realized how strange this was. He looked away and finished getting dressed, judging himself in his intoxicated weirdness. He opened the bathroom door and found Subaru lying in bed already, looking drunk and sleepy. He patted the space next to him and Kamui climbed into bed beside him, shivering at how cold the sheets were. "Thanks for letting me sleep over, you're sure this isn't too weird?"

"No," Subaru said at once, smiling reassuringly, but his eyes suddenly widened. "What happened to your neck?!"

"Huh? Oh!" The neck of Subaru's shirt, slightly too big for him, had fallen just below his collarbones, revealing the relics of his last time with Fuuma. Kamui pulled the fabric away, revealing even more. "This?" He asked, grinning. Subaru went deeply red, immediately understanding. "We aren't together!" Kamui blurted out. This seemed an important thing to explain. "Just hooking up." That didn't make it sound any better, why had he said that? Subaru rolled over onto his side, mirroring Kamui. They stared at each other hard in the face, as though looking anywhere else might be dangerous. Without breaking eye contact, Subaru reached forward and placed his fingertips tenderly on one of the more obvious bruises. Kamui gasped softly, a shiver running through his body.

"Does that hurt?" Subaru asked, his expression concerned even through his embarrassment.

"No," Kamui replied, once again slightly breathless. "Doesn't your boyfriend leave marks?" He asked, playfully. Subaru's blush deepened.

"Well, yes, but nowhere visible!"

"Where? Let me see!"

"No!" Subaru cried, mortified, rolling onto his other side and scrambling further away. Kamui watched, hoping he hadn't crossed a line. Subaru bit his lip. Hokuto had teased him this way all the time, asking for explicit details and making lewd comments, but it was different with Kamui. Subaru rolled over onto his back and looked over at him, and he smiled encouragingly. Subaru gently rubbed the back of his shoulder, his heart fluttering. "Here," he said, smiling uncertainly. Kamui's eyes widened. He knew _exactly_ how bruises would have gotten there but he had no idea how to react. On the one hand he wanted to brofist Subaru because he knew how good that would feel- he tried not to imagine Fuuma's teeth in his upper back as he fucked him into oblivion, but he also felt a weird discomfort. He sort of hated to think of Subaru that way, getting fucked, screaming his boyfriend's name…

"Word, I feel you," Kamui said finally, forcing his mind back to Subaru here, lying next to him in bed, drunk and sleepy, rather than… Subaru smiled at Kamui, and he felt that same weird ache in his chest from earlier.

"So who gave you those if not a significant other?" Subaru asked, furtively. Kamui bit his lip, wondering how much to say, but, given that full-disclosure seemed to be the theme tonight, he said,

"Fuuma." He physically felt the secret dislodge from his chest and went very red. Subaru stared back, eyes wide.

"Your supplier?" Kamui nodded. "That sounds complicated," Subaru said sympathetically. Kamui sighed.

"Not really, I mean, I go to his apartment, I get supplies and usually we hook up." He rolled over onto his back, feeling the relief even as the words made him feel used and empty. Subaru moved closer to him.

"Maybe confusing is a better word," he said. Kamui turned his head to face Subaru and nodded.

"It, it was physical first," he said, his heart throbbing, voice slightly constricted. Subaru nodded in what he hoped was an understanding way, though he knew he was just scraping the surface. It seemed that, although Kamui was open and honest about almost everything, he kept certain things, bigger things, completely hidden. Subaru recalled what he'd said about pain and wondered if his relationship with his supplier caused him pain that he was ignoring. Subaru's chest constricted around his throbbing heart.

"You don't have to explain right now," he said, quietly but earnestly. Kamui let out a light, nervous laugh, then nodded. Subaru smiled and shut off his bedside table light.

"Good night," Kamui whispered. The slept back to back, not touching, but the space between them was warm, loving and safe.

* * *

 **Full disclosure indeed!**

Like I said, I'll be at **Otakon 2016** this weekend dressed as Kamui (though I won't be selling drugs!) if you're there say hi!

I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!


	6. High

**Good morning! How are you all, good? Yay!**

I'm still recovering from Otakon, honestly. I had SUCH an amazing time, like, there are no words. I met some new truly wonderful people and hung out with friends I hadn't seen in years. Plus I was dressed as Kamui so I was walking around talking shit to everyone. You know, as you do.

ANYWAY, chapter 6! Like I said last chapter, if this fic is a roller coaster, this chapter is the peak. Everything is super precarious and you know it's all about to get terrifying. Don't worry, though, you have a whole other week before everything goes to hell.

Enjoy~

* * *

The next morning, Subaru awoke very suddenly and immediately felt _intensely_ aware of Kamui next to him. He swallowed as pieces of the night before started to come together like a vaguely embarrassing jigsaw puzzle: dinner with friends, Seishiro's phone call, the train ride home, listening to music and exchanging secrets with Kamui before falling asleep next to him. Subaru rolled over, his heart beating uncomfortably fast.

Kamui lay on his side, facing away, his back expanding and contracting with his breath, shiny black hair contrasting sharply with his pale neck. Subaru shifted slightly under the blankets and Kamui stirred, moaning sleepily. Subaru felt bad for disturbing him as he rolled over onto his back, stretching like a cat. "Good morning," he said, his voice thick with sleep, opening his eyes blearily. Subaru's heart beat even faster against his ribs. The morning light fighting to get through the drawn shades illuminated Kamui's features, sharp and beautiful as ever. "What's up?" Subaru started.

"What? Nothing."

"You look freaked out." Subaru swallowed, his heart beating ever faster, though he had no idea why he was so anxious; nothing had happened, not that it would! But… Maybe some other line had been crossed? There was no physical intimacy, but there certainly had been emotional intimacy, and it was new and strange, which didn't make it bad, just- "Subaru?" Kamui asked, eyes shining in concern. "Are you okay?" Subaru's heart throbbed painfully. Kamui was so unusual, so interesting, so kind to him.

"Of course," Subaru said firmly. "You were so good to me last night." All the worry in Kamui's face drained out of it and he smiled.

"You did the same for me." Subaru smiled back at him, his heart slowing at last. Kamui exhaled forcefully and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "I should probably go," he said, slowly, and Subaru sat up as well. "Did you still want to come over sometime?"

"Sure," Subaru said, warmth in his chest. "I'm still not sure of my schedule this week but I'll let you know." Kamui grinned and stretched his arms up over his head. The shirt he was wearing, Subaru's shirt, pulled up, revealing his hipbones and belly.

A few minutes later, Kamui was back in his own clothes and standing by the door, feeling sad about leaving even though he knew that was silly. "I had an awesome time with you last night," he said.

"Me too," Subaru said softly, smiling. "I'll text you the second I know about next week." Now Kamui smiled.

"Awesome." They hesitated for a second, then hugged each other goodbye. Kamui inhaled smoke, soap and skin as he held tight to Subaru.

"Take care," Subaru said softly when they broke apart.

"You too," Kamui replied, and he was out the door. Subaru remained where he was, staring at the closed door as he had done the morning Seishiro left. Except now he felt fulfilled, even through his nerves. The new intensity of their friendship was a little scary, but also exciting. He was curious, happy to let himself get pulled in. It was like when he'd first met Seishiro, except that had been like getting swept out to sea by a tidal wave. This-

Back in the living room, Subaru's phone went off. He hurried to answer it. Seishiro.

* * *

By the grace of god, Kamui's phone still had enough battery to get him home. However, the beautiful weather of the day before was gone, and he shivered as he walked back to the R train, his arms crossed protectively in front of his body. This might have looked and felt like a walk of shame, but the time he'd spent with Subaru had put him into a totally uplifted mood.

Subaru was someone so totally non-judgmental, so empathic, so just… he'd never met anyone like him. It felt amazing to finally be honest about what he did, and about Fuuma, even if he couldn't say everything yet. He wondered if this could have happened with anyone other than Subaru, but he doubted it. After all, he couldn't even tell Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha, the people he loved the most. He could trust Subaru as he couldn't trust anyone else, and though it was a little overwhelming, he wasn't afraid.

Kamui felt so lucky to have stumbled into this friendship with such an amazing person. As he entered the train station, he wondered if Subaru's boyfriend knew how special he was, then wondered if that was stupid. In another stroke of luck, the train pulled into the station after barely a minute of waiting.

* * *

"Are you home?"

"Yes."

"Are you alone?"

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"You tell me." Subaru's heart was in his throat and his palms were sweating.

"Are you angry with me?" He asked, pacing back and forth between the kitchen and living room.

"Should I be?"

"Will you please just answer me?!" Subaru snapped. A moment's silence, and horror rose up inside him. "I'm sorry!" He exclaimed, backing down at once. More silence. "I'm just worried, I don't want you to be angry with me, I want to know what I did wrong!"

"Don't raise your voice at me," Seishiro said simply, but Subaru shuddered at the threat. He said nothing, waiting, his mouth dry. "You always tell me when you'll be away working but you don't say you're going out with someone I don't know? It's just concerning…" Seishiro's voice trailed away delicately and Subaru's throat burned. He felt the words and the implication like white-hot knives in his heart, and he could barely speak for trying not to cry.

"Please don't- I love you! I'd never do anything like that! I just didn't want to bother you! I'm sorry, I promise next time I'll tell you everything! It's my fault, I'm sorry!" Subaru's chest heaved with emotion. He felt disgusting, worthless, furious with himself.

* * *

Kamui answered texts as he walked back to his apartment, assuring customers he'd meet them later. Yuzuriha had sent him " **How was the rest of your night~?** " to which he'd responded,

" **We slept together** " just to mess with her. After all, he wasn't lying. He entered his building and climbed the stairs, wondering if his friends really did want him and Subaru to start dating, or if they were just happy to think he was with someone he'd actually let them meet. Again, he wondered if that was stupid. His friends weren't like that; they just liked teasing him. Besides, they all knew Subaru had a boyfriend.

Kamui opened the door to his apartment, shivering at how cold it was: he'd left his bedroom windows open yesterday. He hurried to close them at once, feeling a sudden rush of loneliness, thinking of Subaru.

* * *

"I don't want to fight with you, please!" Subaru moaned, gripping the edge of his kitchen counter.

"Then stop, you're going crazy over nothing." Subaru closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose.

"You accused me of being unfaithful, that's nothing?!" Seishiro's laugh was like those white-hot knives in his heart had twisted painfully.

"I never said that. If that's where your mind went, well…" Subaru wanted to cry out in frustration. ' _How could he say that?! I didn't do anything wrong except not tell him I was going out with friends!_ ' The injustice welled up in Subaru's chest and tears finally came. ' _And invite someone back with you and let him sleep in your bed,_ ' his mind reminded him nastily. ' _But that was all!_ ' He argued with himself. It wasn't just anyone, it was Kamui, and it was only so he wouldn't have to go home alone in the middle of the night. He hadn't had any ulterior motives! Subaru took a deep, shuddering breath and wiped his eyes impatiently, hating himself.

"I'm sorry," he said, not brave enough to say anything else.

"What for? You said you've been good." More tears. Subaru's head was spinning. That was right, he had been good! Nothing had happened!

"What do you want?" He asked, weakly, wanting this to be over. Seishiro made an impatient noise and Subaru shut his eyes tight.

"Don't cry," Seishiro said softly, though the words weren't kind or comforting. Even more tears.

"I promise I'll tell you where I'm going next time."

"Okay." Silence. "I have to go, it's late here. I love you." The threat in the last three words was palpable. Subaru shuddered, crying silently, resolving to do better, to work harder, whatever, to prevent more fights. He yearned for Seishiro; he wanted to be held, reassured, but he was thousands of miles away, geographically and emotionally.

"I love you too," Subaru whispered, feeling so totally alone.

"We'll talk tomorrow." Subaru's heart swelled.

"Okay, good night." A few more painful seconds, then Seishiro ended the call. Subaru held his phone to his chest, trying to calm down. He felt shell-shocked, empty and exhausted. He walked back to his room and crawled into bed, curling into a ball under the covers. His head spun nauseatingly as it always did after fights. Nothing resolved, nothing changed. He had been feeling so full, so happy after seeing his friend, and Seishiro had taken it all away with just a few words.

Anger flared suddenly in Subaru's chest, and he felt taken aback. He was used to feeling angry with himself, but being angry, actually angry, with Seishiro was alarming. Then again, who was Seishiro to be angry at Subaru for not saying where he was? Seishiro did this all the time! Hadn't he started that massive fight because he hadn't told Subaru he was going to _Tokyo_? And he was mad at Subaru going to a friend's house? Subaru's anger swelled shockingly, but then burned out just as quickly. He didn't want to be angry with Seishiro. He loved Seishiro. He just wanted them to be okay. They had to be okay; he'd sacrificed too much for them not to be okay.

Subaru felt another spark of anger and rolled her, burying his face in his pillows as more tears came. He shuddered, inhaling an unfamiliar smell where Kamui had slept. He curled into a tighter ball and pulled his blanket more closely around him, breathing deeply through his nose, slowly feeling himself calm down. Everything felt weird right now, it was like he couldn't do anything right.

He wished Kamui hadn't left. Being alone with his anger and self-disgust was too much.

* * *

" **WHAT?! REALLY?! OMG HOW WAS IT?!** " Kamui snorted and put his phone to charge by his computer. He'd probably wait at least a half hour to answer Yuzuriha, really draw out her agony.

He took off his shirt as he walked into his bathroom and threw it carelessly onto the floor before turning on the shower and stepping under it. He sighed heavily, knowing he needed more supplies from Fuuma and feeling apprehensive for some reason. He started scrubbing himself clean, tenderly washing over the bruises on his chest. He had a sudden, visceral flashback to Subaru's fingers there, soft and curious. He grabbed the spot with his own hand, inhaling sharply, then shook himself. He needed coffee, or more sleep, or something.

A little while later, Kamui was redressed in warmer clothes and back out the door, only responding to Yuzuriha's text when he was right outside Fuuma's apartment. " **Intimate** "

* * *

Subaru awoke hours later with a painful sinus headache and a _very_ painful feeling of being in limbo. He got up to take medicine, then to check his phone, but of course there was nothing new from Seishiro. He'd expected this, but he still felt another sudden flare of anger, which was only more confusing. He felt totally wrong-footed in his own anger; he had no idea what to do with it, especially with Seishiro far away. Although truthfully, he doubted him being there would even make a difference.

He returned to the living room and sank onto the couch, thinking vaguely of getting work done. He opened his laptop and found himself on the same YouTube page Kamui had opened the night before. He hesitated, eyes narrowed curiously, then played another song by the same artist. He figured it'd be a welcome distraction. A dreamy, soft voice played from the computer, singing about dissatisfaction in a relationship and poorly expressed frustration. Subaru's eyes widened in disbelief as he turned up the volume and reached for his cigarettes.

* * *

Kamui left Fuuma's apartment with more weed and a new assignment. Fuuma had wanted him to stay, but he'd gotten a phone call about something important, and Kamui had left straight away. He felt strangely relieved that he hadn't stuck around for more, though that was probably because he had customers hounding the fuck out of him and wanted to complete his drop offs in a reasonable amount of time. Yuzuriha had texted him " **How so? I mean aside from the obvious~** " and he planned to send her

" **What do you mean aside from the obvious?** " in a few minutes. He walked up 8th Avenue to make his first stop at the New School dorm on 20th Street, and felt his phone go off. He figured it was his customer, but he smiled at Subaru's name.

" **I can't stop listening to High By The Beach** " A huge grin lit up Kamui's face.

" **Isn't it fucking great?!** " He quickly put the song on for himself; it made him happy to think they were listening to the same thing.

" **Yes!** "

* * *

The combination of listening to music and texting Kamui seemed to be doing Subaru good. Of course, talking to Kamui always made him feel better, or at least distracted him, which came to the same thing, really. He had checked his work e-mail and finished making appointments, and the productivity was gratifying. " **Now I'm listening to it** " came Kamui's response, and Subaru smiled affectionately at his phone.

" **Do you want to hang out tomorrow?** " He texted back, rather recklessly, his face growing hot. He still had a few days of Seishiro limbo to deal with and he didn't think he could do it by himself. He felt totally pathetic at how much he liked Kamui's attention, how much he craved his kindness. Wasn't it selfish? Desperate?

" **Yes please :)** " Subaru decided it didn't matter and sent the response at once.

" **I'm done with work in the afternoon, probably around 5** "

" **Come over after! We can listen to more music. Where are you going to be? I'll give you directions** " Subaru smiled in happy anticipation and played the song again. He'd tell Seishiro he was seeing Kamui when they spoke tomorrow, if he kept his word and actually called him. He exhaled forcefully, again feeling uncomfortable in his anger, wondering where it was all coming from. He tried to push it out of his mind: he had to build up his reserves of energy for their conversation tomorrow, not to mention work.

* * *

Kamui stood outside the dorm, waiting for his customer and thinking how totally suspect this would look, except that security guards at The New School notoriously did not give a fuck. His phone went off at another text from Yuzuriha. " **YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I MEAN** " Kamui's lip curled.

" **Ohhhhhh you think we hooked up?! I just meant we slept in the same bed wtf is wrong with you?! :P** " He then texted Subaru directions from his client's apartment, a happy anticipation filling his whole body. Even though they'd just seen each other, it seemed their reunion couldn't come fast enough.

* * *

The prospect of seeing Kamui was the only thing that sustained Subaru over the following long and exhausting day. He sat in a corner of the A train heading downtown, memories and emotions chasing each other through his mind.

True to his word, Seishiro had called Subaru that morning, and it had been painful. He'd asked Subaru how he was, casually, easily, as if they hadn't had that terrible fight the last time they'd spoken. Subaru had made a disbelieving noise in his throat and Seishiro's tone had turned icy. "Ever since I left you've been so angry," he said. Subaru shuddered at his displeasure, the words stinging.

"I'm sorry, I don't like it either," he replied, wearily, which was perfectly true. A pause. "I'm going to see my friend after I finish working today," he added.

"Was that so hard?" Subaru bit back a response, and the conversation ended shortly after. Even though Subaru supposed they were reconciled, he felt drained and empty, except for this new unsettling anger. ' _Seishiro can't be mad at me,_ ' he thought, and found he was able, almost, to detach. ' _I did what he asked._ ' He swallowed, his heart beating rather fast. He found it weirdly empowering to think this way without being scared of Seishiro's reaction. Of course, he was still scared of Seishiro's reaction. If Seishiro wanted to, he could end their relationship, throw Subaru away. Then he'd have to go home and explain that it had been his fault the relationship he'd sacrificed so much for had ended. That he'd been wrong. That he'd made a mistake.

Subaru had gone to his first appointment that day, still feeling detached, but thankfully there was nothing paranormal going on, just shady electrical work. His next appointment had been a house blessing, but… He sighed heavily, thinking of that client, and turned up his music self-consciously. After making plans the day before, Subaru had gone out to buy headphones and loaded his phone with music from the artist Kamui had shown him. He now understood completely why everyone wore headphones on the train: there was something deeply comforting about having them on. Plus, hearing someone else's voice all the time made you feel less lonely, even if it was in a song.

The A train sped downtown and he got off at West 4th Street as Kamui had instructed. It was freezing outside and a sharp breeze whipped him across the face as he paused to light the cigarette he'd been craving. He texted Kamui to let him know he was close and headed east, smoking and listening to the music. He felt everyone around him, the nebulous ocean of their energy, but it was dulled by his music and his worries. However, he felt himself begin to relax as he reached Kamui's part of town. He'd never really been over here, but the old-fashioned buildings, narrow tree-lined streets and families with small children were a welcome change from his usual surroundings. A man a few years older than Subaru hurried past him, a bright orange cake box in one hand and his small daughter grasping the other, chattering away in an unfamiliar language. Subaru smiled as he watched them go and crossed 1st Avenue. He found the door that must be Kamui's, sandwiched between a bodega and a liquor store. He put out his cigarette and pressed the buzzer.

Almost at once he heard the earsplitting noise that meant the door had unlocked. He pushed it open, looking around at the grimy, dimly lit entryway. He made sure the door was completely shut before beginning to climb the stairs. Kamui had warned him he lived on the fifth floor of a walk-up, and though it wasn't awful, Subaru reflected it'd probably be easier if he didn't smoke so much. He walked down the hall to 5E and rang the doorbell before taking off his headphones and stowing everything in his bag. Locks clicked and the door opened, revealing Kamui in jeans and a t-shirt, beaming at the sight of him. "Hi!" Subaru didn't realize _just_ how much tension and sadness he was still holding in his body until it all began to drain out of him. He hugged Kamui hello, so glad to see him, smelling the shampoo he'd been inhaling on his pillows for the last twenty-four hours. "Come in," Kamui said when they broke apart. "My place is sort of a wreck but I swear to god I tried."

Subaru laughed as he stepped inside, finding himself in combined kitchen and living room. He toed off his shoes, looking around in interest. The room was full of soft evening light from the windows all along one wall. The other walls were covered in posters and pictures or supporting shelves full of books, photographs, manga and videogames. Music played from speakers in a corner, but it was nothing Subaru recognized. "Here, you can put all your stuff in my room," Kamui told him, leading him down a short hallway and opening a door to his right. More natural light, more photos and a clumsily made bed covered in pillows and blankets.

"Your apartment is so nice!" Subaru said, taking off his coat. Kamui shrugged, though he looked gratified as he laid Subaru's coat and bag neatly on his bed.

"It's all right, my building is old and ratchet, not like yours, but-"

"That's not important," Subaru interrupted him, earnestly. "There's good feeling in here, if that makes any sense…" His voice trailed away rather sadly, but Kamui looked very pleased.

"From an onmyoji I'll take that as a huge complement!" Subaru smiled back at him. "Do you want a tour? I mean, you've pretty much seen everything, but…" Subaru nodded eagerly, but then caught sight of a photograph in a dated silver frame on the bedside table. Kamui followed Subaru's gaze and smiled at his curious expression. He stood right in front of Subaru and picked up the photo, showing a school group in front of what looked like a ruin. "This was, first grade? At the Met." Subaru leaned forward, he could have rested his chin on Kamui's shoulder, looking interestedly at the picture. "There I am," Kamui said, though it was totally unnecessary: he hardly looked different, just smaller. He had the same shiny black hair falling in his face, the same challenging, intense expression. Subaru smiled affectionately. "My mother said this was her favorite photo of me, so she always kept it here." He let out a soft sigh and Subaru felt his emotion.

"Who's that?" He asked, pointing at the girl next to Kamui in the picture with whom he was holding hands. Kamui rubbed his thumb tenderly over the girl's face.

"My best friend from growing up, Kotori. Remember my Aunt Saya I told you about? That's her daughter."

"Your mother's best friend, of course I remember." Kamui smiled appreciatively. "Are you still friends?" Kamui hugged the photo to his chest and turned to face Subaru, who felt him even though they weren't touching.

"No," he said, regretfully. He looked up at Subaru, then continued. "They were both killed in a car accident when I was fifteen." Subaru gasped in horror.

"I'm so sorry!" He exclaimed.

"It's okay, really," Kamui told him, though he appreciated the sympathy. "It happened a long time ago."

"Still, that must have been devastating for both of you," Subaru said softly, giving Kamui's arm a gentle squeeze. Kamui nodded, Subaru's touch spreading through him. As with his mother's death, he didn't talk about Kotori and Saya much, but again, it was different with Subaru.

"Yeah, I sort of went crazy for a while," he said, flushing slightly.

"That's why you were always in trouble in high school?" Kamui nodded. Subaru could tell this was another of the big things that Kamui kept a secret, and he could feel his pain, even though it had happened a long time ago. "Grief does things to people," Subaru continued sympathetically.

"Yeah," Kamui agreed, remembering the place he'd been in after his mother had died, when he'd met Fuuma. He carefully replaced the photo on his bedside table, still deeply aware of his friend's support and compassion. "Sorry to totally derail everything-"

"It's okay," Subaru assured him, giving his arm another squeeze. They exchanged a reassuring smile.

"Here, let me show you around." The walked back into the hallway, and Kamui pointed to the door right in front of them. "This was my room when I was a kid, but now it's just storage. I could turn it into a guest room or something but that's mad work." Subaru nodded, staring at the door, the feeling behind it contrasting sharply with the rest of the apartment. He could tell it hadn't been opened for a long time, and though Kamui put on his flippant attitude about it, Subaru knew instinctively that moving out of the room and keeping the door shut represented a lot to him. "I told you there wasn't much to see," Kamui continued as he gestured towards the bathroom at the end of the hall, bringing Subaru back to the present.

They returned to the living room, and immediately Subaru eyed the framed pictures on the bookshelves. Kamui smiled, watching him. "Here," he said, standing beside Subaru and indicating another photo. "That's my mom, Aunt Saya, me and Kotori." Subaru's eyes were drawn irresistibly to Kamui's mother: he had inherited her fine, proud features, sharp dark eyes and hair that fell in messy waves. Even through the photo, Subaru felt her intensity, her power. Next to her, Kotori was her mother in miniature: they both had soft, beautiful faces, large kind eyes and light brown hair. The four of them looked like matching sets, one light and one dark.

"You look so much like your mother," Subaru told Kamui, who sighed resignedly.

"Everyone always says that," he replied. "Sorata used to always talk about how hot he thought she was until someone pointed it out, then shit just got awkward." Subaru burst out laughing, and Kamui rolled his eyes affectionately. "I told him like, if you want to experiment I'm totally down!" Subaru covered his face with his hand, still laughing.

"I can picture that way too clearly!"

"Yeah, he got all pissed off at me about that, fucking punk," Kamui added, contemptuously. He stretched his arms above his head. "So, what do you want to do?"

"Um, I don't mind," Subaru replied, a little awkwardly, eyeing Kamui's hip bones. "Listen to more music?" Kamui nodded, looking excited. He threw himself down onto the couch pulled his laptop towards him.

"What do you want to hear?"

"Anything," Subaru replied, taking the seat next to him. He paused, chewing on his lip thoughtfully, scrolling, before deciding on something and placing his laptop back on the coffee table. An intense bass, trippy opening notes and passionate vocals echoed across the room. Subaru listened intently. The song made him feel weirdly nostalgic even though it was unfamiliar, or maybe it was just the old photos. It was comforting rather than sad, being in Kamui's warm apartment full of sunlight and memories. "Thank you for having me over," he said, and Kamui looked back at him happily.

"Anytime, you know I'm always happy to see you." Subaru went slightly pink, but was very pleased all the same. "How was work today? What did you do?" Subaru felt his chest constrict and he let out a weary sigh. "What happened?" Kamui asked at once, his eyes widening in concern.

"My second appointment today," Subaru began, feeling the residual sadness. "It was only a house blessing, so it wasn't a big deal, but," he shook his head. "It just took a lot out of me."

"Oh shit…"

"It's okay, it comes with the kind of work I do."

Subaru had taken the A train all the way up to Dyckman Street and found the building he needed a block away from Fort Tryon Park. He pressed the buzzer, and heard his client's scratchy voice on the intercom.

"Yes?"

"Yes, hi, I'm Subaru Sumeragi, here for the house blessing?"

"Right, I'll buzz you up." Subaru entered the building and took the old, rickety elevator up to the top floor. He could already feel something amiss as he knocked on his client's door. A young woman with scraggly hair and large, hazel eyes peered cautiously around the door.

"Good afternoon," Subaru said, politely, holding out his hand. She took it, a contrite smile on her face.

"Thank you so much for coming," she said. "Please, come in." She stepped aside and he entered the apartment, looking around. He immediately felt a rush of her sadness and fear and pain, though she was clearly trying hard to suppress it. She stood with her arms folded across her chest, looking pale, fragile and exhausted.

"You said in your e-mail you'd like a house blessing, but with extra protective spells?" He asked her, kindly. She'd clearly _just_ moved in: everything was still in large, cardboard boxes except for a mattress on the floor and a laptop. She nodded, arms still tight around herself. "Do you mind if I ask what exactly you'd like protection from?" Subaru continued. She swallowed.

"Oh, well, it's more for my own sanity than anything," she replied, a flush rising in her face, neck and chest. Subaru nodded encouragingly.

"As most protective spells are." She tried to smile, still looking embarrassed.

"I uh, I just split up with my boyfriend, and, um," her voice broke, and she closed her eyes. Subaru felt her pain, raw and sharp in his own chest.

"It's all right," he told her, quietly. She rubbed her eyes impatiently.

"Sorry! I, I shouldn't be this upset, he's a disgusting person!" She said, furiously. Subaru swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat at her words.

"Break ups are always traumatic, please, you don't need to apologize." She took a deep breath, pressing her hand over her mouth and making a valiant effort to collect herself.

"I, I usually just get a house blessing candle or sage or something when I move, and, I'm sorry I don't exactly understand how onmyo magic works, but I wanted something more powerful this time, and…"

"Of course," Subaru said firmly, trying to sound take-charge and reassuring. She managed a small smile. "You know, though, if you're really worried about this person you'd do better to get a restraining order." She snorted.

"I can't, he never put his hands on me so no one would take me seriously," she said, bitterly, and once again Subaru felt the emotions leaking from her, despite her efforts to contain them. She took a deep breath, pressing her fingers to her mouth, but seemed unable to resist, and this time Subaru saw her memories, clear and sharp in his own mind. A man towering over her, screaming at her, then ripping the book she had clutched in her arms away from her and tearing it in half. Subaru's eyes burned, and he took several deep breaths, horrified. His client seemed to realize what had happened and she went deeply red and looked away, blinking back tears. Subaru's heart ached for her as he realized all of the negative emotions he'd been feeling from her were self-directed.

"You have nothing to feel ashamed of," Subaru told her, very seriously, though gently. She looked up at him, then burst into tears, covering her face with her hands. Subaru put his arm around her, listening and comforting as best he could.

"Fuck, man…" Kamui said softly. Subaru nodded, the emotions still gripping his body as he told the story.

"I did the blessing and put protection wards all around the apartment, then helped her start to unpack." Kamui hugged his knees into his chest, his heart pumping something strange and intense through his body, something other than the sympathy and upset he felt for Subaru's client. Before he realized what he was doing, he reached out and took Subaru's hand, and he returned the gesture with a squeeze. "I gave her my phone number and told her to call me if she needs anything." He sighed, hoping she was okay. It was easy for Subaru to open his heart at work, to be what his client needed, but he very rarely took it with him. This time, though, he'd felt for this young woman as he hadn't done in a long time.

"You're so awesome," Kamui said without thinking. Subaru shook his head.

"I was just trying to help."

"I know, but, that's more than most people would do, you know?" Subaru smiled and gave Kamui's hand another squeeze.

"You think so?" Kamui nodded vigorously, flushing. "I just know having someone who will listen to you means a lot," Subaru continued, and Kamui had to agree. They smiled at each other, affection rising between them, until Subaru finally let go of Kamui's hand. "I really like this song," he said, closing his eyes, listening to the spacey notes and soft male vocals. They were quiet for a while, the music filling the space, leaving no room for awkwardness.

"What are you doing this weekend?" Kamui asked, when a new, more energetic song began to play. He straightened up, brought the soles of his feet together and bent forward. Subaru turned, his heart fluttering suddenly.

"It's Seishiro's birthday on Friday, so, I think Saturday we'll do something for that, but…" he shrugged, watching Kamui stretch.

"That sounds cool," he said, with a good imitation of sincerity. He arched his back deeply, then sat up straight. Subaru watched the muscles of his upper back flexing and extending. "You must miss him." Subaru shrugged without meaning to and immediately shifted his position to cover the gesture. He supposed he did miss Seishiro in that he wanted him there so they could talk face to face and properly reconcile. However, he felt terribly anxious about his return after all the arguing, after how angry he'd been feeling. He had no idea what to expect, but wasn't sure how to say that without raising Kamui's alarm.

"Yeah," he said, hating himself for how unenthusiastic he sounded. Kamui watched him, and he continued. "We've spent a lot of time apart, I should be used to it, but," he broke off, shrugging again. It was true they would be apart for months at a time, but when Subaru was in Tokyo it had all been _so_ romantic. He and Seishiro would Facetime almost every night, never able to say "I miss you" and "I love you" enough. Subaru's entire mind, body and soul would _scream_ for Seishiro, until they'd finally reunite and it was all deep, intense passion. He'd feel so high, so in love, so utterly devoted it was like being swept out to sea, and then Seishiro would return to New York, taking half of Subaru's heart with him.

"…but it never gets easier?" Kamui offered, sympathetically. Subaru nodded, sighing heavily.

"No, it doesn't," he agreed, though that wasn't really what was bothering him. When Seishiro left before, Subaru just felt the painful, sad longing; he never doubted their relationship or their feelings for one another. Now though, he felt constantly anxious, worried, like everything was up in the air. Even thinking about it was enough to get his heart racing, pumping fear through his body. Kamui watched, hating to see his friend so distressed. "I thought, you know, once I came here and we were together all the time that it'd be perfect, but…" He paused. "I don't regret coming here," he said, firmly. "I just thought it'd be easier on us." Kamui wondered if Subaru would elaborate.

"I mean," he began, very cautiously. "It must have been a shift, going from long distance to moving in together."

"I suppose so." Was that really what was wrong, though? The first few weeks Subaru had been here were truly blissful: he and Seishiro had spent all their free time together, exploring and experiencing, it had been everything he'd hoped for. Then the arguments had started: the slight, the cold displeasure, the begging for forgiveness. Subaru hugged his knees into his chest, his heart pounding. He should be thrilled: Seishiro, the man he loved, the only person he'd ever felt this way about, was coming home to him, and instead he was dreading it. What was wrong with him? The new detachment he felt in his anger was all well and good while Seishiro was away, but Subaru didn't want to feel that way in person. He wanted everything to be good.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kamui asked, softly, moving closer to him on the couch.

"What? Yes, I'm sure, don't worry. Just, thinking about Seishiro coming back." Kamui nodded.

"It's okay to be nervous," he said, even more softly, though he had no idea if this was the right thing to say. His breath caught in his chest as Subaru turned to look him in the face. Kamui's heart raced, but then Subaru's expression softened into a sad smile.

"I'm just being dramatic, I'm sure," he said in an admirable attempt at reassurance. Kamui said nothing, knowing instinctively that there was much more going on than Subaru was letting on, or perhaps that he was even aware of. Subaru was so astute and compassionate about other people's relationships and emotions, but then struggled when it came to himself, even though he was the most deserving person Kamui knew. He felt terrible for disliking Subaru's boyfriend as much as he did, considering they'd never met, but he didn't like that Subaru was always freaked out about and around him. His heart throbbed with righteous anger; he didn't want anyone to make Subaru that upset.

"I don't think you're being dramatic," he said, rather more loudly than he'd intended, blushing and looking away. He paused, wondering whether to explain himself truthfully or not. He swallowed and returned his gaze to Subaru's, noting how green his eyes looked in the soft evening light, how his hair fell gently across his face, how his lips parted curiously-

"Kamui?"

"Yeah, sorry, just figuring out how to say this." Subaru rested his chin on his knees, wondering what was coming. "I don't mean this disrespectfully," Kamui began, feeling a rush of nerves. "It just seems like you guys have been fighting a lot, so, I don't blame you for feeling nervous," he finished, looking at Subaru apprehensively. Subaru bit his lip, the words hitting him in the chest.

Not for the first time, it occurred to both of them that they'd seen more of each other than they'd ever allowed anyone else to see, even if it was by accident. Kamui saw Subaru's problems with Seishiro, and Subaru knew what Kamui did for a living and about his relationship with Fuuma. They were in a position, therefore, to be more open and honest with each other, to really tell the truth. However, you still had to be brave to be this honest, especially when it was with someone you really cared about. Subaru thought of telling Kamui everything, but, he wasn't sure he could yet. He'd need more time. He smiled affectionately at Kamui, his eyes proud even through his nervousness, framed by thick dark lashes.

"Thank you," Subaru told him, very quietly, and Kamui sighed in relief. "Things have been unpredictable, but, I think once Seishiro's back, it'll be okay." Kamui returned his smile.

"I hope so, I hate seeing you upset." Subaru laughed, blushing.

"Sorry," he said, sheepishly, and Kamui rolled his eyes.

"Don't be."

* * *

The stage is set, next week is the descent. See you all in a few days!

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	7. Entwined

**Happy Thursday!** How have you all been, good? Good!

I have to say I am SUPER excited about this chapter. Like, PAINFULLY so. I actually had a scary dream a few nights ago that I didn't post it on time, how sad is that? Anyway, this chapter is a trip, for sure. It's that first drop from the top of the roller coaster and I can't wait to hear what you guys think!

A few things:

This chapter actually has the first scene I ever wrote for this story. Back in like, March, when I was still going back and forth on what this fic could be (or even if I was going to write it at all!) I just wrote this test scene and showed it to my beta. She was like, "So you're writing this immediately." I won't say which scene it is, feel free to ask or guess~

Also I wrote later scenes as a response to a certain trope I see with SubaKam fics, where Subaru and Kamui are doing whatever but thinking about someone else. While that totally works and there's nothing wrong with it, I wanted to do something different, so I'll be curious what you all think!

Finally a HUGE thank you to every single person who has read this story and given me feedback (positive and negative!), reached out to me or left me love or kudos. I know I don't say it enough, but I have the best readers in the world. Truly, this story would not be what it is without you all. THANK YOU!

Okay I'm done. Enjoy chapter 7!

* * *

"Happy birthday to me," Seishiro said in a deeply satisfied tone. Subaru swallowed, eyes shut tight and face burning. He heard Seishiro zip up, then grab a fistful of tissues from the box on the bedside table. Subaru reached out blindly and took them, carefully rubbing his face clean and praying nothing would get in his eyes. He opened them slowly and looked up at Seishiro sitting on the edge of their bed. He stared back with that impassive stare masking something just below the surface. Subaru looked away, the hot flush in his face spreading to his neck and chest, waiting. "You're too adorable, Subaru." Subaru smiled mechanically. "Clean up and get dressed." Subaru nodded, stood up and hurried into the bathroom, the now familiar feeling of ill-usage heavy in his stomach. No kiss, no offer to reciprocate, just a wad of tissues and a command. Subaru shut the door and turned on the sink, wiping his face clean with a wet washcloth and avoiding looking at his reflection.

Seishiro's return to New York had been everything Subaru had feared. He'd taken a car back to the city after landing at JFK on Wednesday morning, insisting there was no need for Subaru to meet him there. Subaru spent all morning making sure the apartment was clean, washing his sheets twice as though destroying evidence. Then he waited, trying to stay positive and hopeful. At last, he heard the door open and hurried down the hall, his heart pounding against his ribs. Seishiro appeared on the threshold, carrying his suitcase and looking tired, but pleased to see him. "Subaru," he said, and Subaru smiled, heart throbbing, as he wrapped his arms around the man he loved in spite of it all. Seishiro held him close, and Subaru buried his face in his neck.

"I'm so glad you're back," he breathed, holding tight to the back of Seishiro's shirt.

"I'm sure," he replied, laughing and kissing Subaru on the top of the head. Subaru rubbed his face in his neck, his heart still racing. Everything was okay, what had he been so worried about? "I need to unpack."

"Ahh, yes!" Subaru followed Seishiro into their bedroom. They had looked at each other for a split second, then immediately fell into bed, kissing and touching and moaning. Seishiro had taken him greedily, and Subaru had felt so relieved, so happy, it was enough to make his head spin.

He shut off the water and finally looked up at his reflection, remembering how good everything had felt with a mounting resentment.

It had all been over quickly, and they actually lay together for a while before Seishiro had gotten up to unpack. Subaru remained curled up under the blankets, feeling windswept and satisfied. "What did you do while I was away?" Seishiro asked, folding clothes. Subaru shrugged, watching him.

"Worked, listened to music, mostly."

"And saw your friends."

"Yes, that too." Subaru stretched, his eyes still glued to Seishiro. "I had to keep busy." Seishiro's lip curled.

"I suppose you did."

"How was Tokyo? You must have been busy too?" Subaru asked, eager to keep the conversation moving and far away from their stupid arguments.

"Busy, yes, but they won't need me back for quite some time." Subaru smiled.

"I'm glad."

"I wish I didn't have to go straight back to work, though," Seishiro said, regretfully. Subaru's eyes widened.

"Already? But you must be so jetlagged!" Seishiro looked at him, his expression dismissive.

"You worry too much." Subaru flushed, then looked away. "What's wrong?" He felt a stab of irritation at his weary tone, and the atmosphere in the room seemed to freeze.

"Nothing, I just thought you'd take the rest of the week off so I didn't schedule anything. It's fine, though," he added quickly, doing his utmost not to sound annoyed or disappointed. Seishiro's eyes narrowed.

"I didn't ask you to do that."

"I said it's fine!" Subaru snapped. The happiness that had filled him for the last hour or so was gone, replaced by that same bitter anger that had ebbed and flowed inside him since the weekend. It wasn't fine: his client up on Dyckman Street had texted him to ask for more help, and he had postponed their appointment against his wishes and better judgment. He was upset, but it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it now. "I'm sorry, really, it's not that big a deal," he said, evasively, and thankfully there was no argument.

Subaru returned to the bedroom to change, every nerve in his body tingling with resentment, hating to think of the rest of the night.

* * *

"The bouncer is one of ours, so he'll let you right in."

"No doubt." Kamui stood in Fuuma's kitchen, tucking a fake glow stick full of ecstasy into his pocket. He felt totally confident about tonight; he'd be at a club he'd worked many times before and he'd already texted a few of his regulars who assured him they'd be there. Fuuma leaned against his kitchen counter, smoking and eyeing Kamui, making him blush.

"I wish I could go with you," he said regretfully. Kamui's gaze snapped to Fuuma's, and his eyes glittered. "Come back here tonight when you're done. I'll be up." His voice was soft and sultry, and though Kamui was immediately suspicious, something hopeful was struggling to come alive in his chest.

"Why?" He asked, trying to sound innocently curious. Fuuma tilted his head to the side and exhaled smoke, his expression magnetic.

"Because that's what I want," he said, his voice lowering seductively. Kamui nodded, unable to do anything else. Fuuma's lip curled and he put out his cigarette before walking over to kiss Kamui on the lips. He inhaled sharply as Fuuma pulled away, looking pleased. "I'll see you later." Again, all Kamui could do was nod. He put on his jacket, picked up his bag and stepped into the elevator. He knew Fuuma was still watching him and he turned, giving him one last look over his shoulder as the doors closed.

Kamui bit his lip as he put on his headphones, finally letting the hope in his chest take root, even though it freaked him out. Whatever he told himself, his friends and Subaru, Kamui felt there was always a part of him that was, not necessarily in _love_ with Fuuma, but that wanted Fuuma to return his feelings, to be that person who had swept him off his feet all those years ago, even though he knew it would be dangerous. He had no idea what it would mean for their professional relationship, not to mention his own safety…

He stepped out of Fuuma's building and a cruel wind slapped him across the face, jerking him back to the present. He turned up his music as he headed towards the train on 8th Avenue. It was freezing as it had been for days, and he reflected bitterly that this time last week it had been gorgeous out, and he'd been going to Sorata and Arashi's apartment with Subaru… The hope in his chest compressed suddenly into something heavy and sad. He was worried about Subaru: his texts had been few and far between since his boyfriend had come back, and when he did send messages they were short and contrite. It was sort of embarrassing how much Kamui wanted to see him, and even more embarrassing to wonder if he _could_.

He tried to recover himself as he entered the train station, though fear and uncertainty continued to swirl in his mind. An E train arrived quickly and he stepped onto it, thinking of Fuuma, and Subaru, his heart pounding.

* * *

Subaru texted Kamui " **Are you at work?** " as he followed Seishiro to their elevator. He shoved his phone back in his pocket before he could turn around and see. There was no legitimate reason for Seishiro to be angry about Subaru sending messages, but he was sure he'd find a way. Subaru knew he had to be discreet, at least for now, but he hated neglecting Kamui. He missed him. His messages provided his constant, reassuring presence, even when they were apart.

Subaru remembered his last night with Kamui, trading stories, exchanging kind words and listening to music, pausing only to order pizza. It was so easy for them to just _be_ together, even if they weren't speaking. Now, even as he and Seishiro stood side by side in silence, he felt like he was performing, though he was doing a terrible job. After that first hour of passion, he and Seishiro had been arguing almost constantly. At first Subaru had understood he was tired, recovering from the time change, but now he felt too exhausted himself to keep making excuses.

They boarded the 1 train like always, still not speaking. Subaru wished he had his headphones, or could text Kamui, but forced himself to remain present. He didn't want to surrender to his anger, even if it allowed him refuge. After all, maybe tonight would be different? Seishiro had initiated everything that had happened earlier, their first time doing anything physical since the day he'd come back. Subaru reached out tentatively and took Seishiro's hand, but didn't even get a smile in return.

* * *

Kamui paused right outside Port Authority to answer Subaru's text, smiling in relief at his phone. " **I'm on my way there now** " He changed the song he was listening to and proceeded up 8th Avenue then west along 44th Street. Throngs of young women wearing high, strappy shoes and winter coats tottered along, clutching the arms of their meathead male counterparts. Kamui swerved around a crowd of them arguing about directions in thick, Long Island accents.

Hell's Kitchen was all excruciatingly long blocks lined with townhouses long since broken up into very expensive apartments. There were restaurants in the basements of all of these, and people were cued up outside waiting for tables, talking, smoking and shivering. Kamui was trying his best to prepare for work, but he felt so isolated and out of place, it was distracting. He longed for his friends, for Subaru, for those people who made him feel most like himself. He crossed 10th Avenue and felt his phone go off. " **Please be careful!** " Kamui gripped his phone, the heavy sadness in his chest metastasizing inside him. They'd talked a lot about work the last time they'd seen each other, and Kamui knew it had freaked Subaru out.

"Do you ever think of leaving?" Subaru had asked, cautiously, selecting a slice of pizza from the box on the coffee table. Kamui took a bite of his own slice, chewed it and swallowed it before answering.

"Think about it, sure, but I wouldn't actually do it."

"Why not?" Subaru's eyes were wide as he listened.

"I can't," Kamui had told him simply. ' _I either wait until my bosses get caught or they decide I'm a security risk and have me killed,_ ' he thought, rather than said, because he couldn't stand to make Subaru look anymore afraid than he already did. "I make good money," he continued, shrugging.

"But-" Subaru began, but Kamui forestalled him.

"I just take it day by day, you know?" They'd held each other's gaze for a few seconds before Subaru nodded. They both knew taking it day by day was the best strategy for dealing with a volatile, unpredictable relationship.

" **I will, don't worry. What are you up to tonight?** " He sent the text to Subaru, then remembered it was his boyfriend's birthday. The heavy sadness throbbed, but he forced himself to stay focused, knowing he was as worried about Subaru as Subaru was about him.

* * *

"This way." Seishiro held Subaru's hand rather more tightly than was necessary as they walked east towards Columbus Avenue. They were the first words either of them had spoken since leaving the apartment, though it didn't seem to bother Seishiro at all. Subaru had forced himself to keep silent, not to start an argument accidentally, make tonight a good one and enjoy the time with his boyfriend.

As the icy breeze swirled around them, Subaru caught sight of the Museum of Natural History. The tension gripping his body seemed to ease a little. It made him think of Kamui's school picture, of watching him hold the photo to his chest. Seishiro stopped abruptly, pulling Subaru back towards him. He blushed and looked at the ground as they entered a restaurant on the first floor of a luxurious building on 79th Street. They were greeted by soft, neutral colors and warm, low lights. Subaru had never quite gotten used to all the nice places Seishiro took him, always feeling it was way more than he deserved. He hadn't minded so much when it had all been new and exciting, but now he just felt out of place.

Immediately someone rushed up to take their coats and Seishiro approached the maître di about their reservation. Subaru took advantage of his distraction to check his phone. Kamui's texts felt like a lifeline in his sea of exhaustion and uncertainty. " **Out to dinner for Seishiro's birthday… some place uptown** " He wanted to tell Kamui to be careful a second time, even though he knew it would be pointless and excessive.

A server dressed in a handsome black suit approached Subaru and Seishiro. "Right this way, please." Seishiro placed his hand on Subaru's lower back and led him inside.

* * *

Kamui paused on 11th Avenue to read Subaru's message, wondering if he was feeling as unenthusiastic as he came across in his text. He sent him " **Ohh sweet, have fun!** " then paused, staring at his phone intently for a few seconds before adding, recklessly, " **Text me if you need me** " He went furiously red as he shoved his headphones into his bag and cellphone into his pocket next to the glow stick, getting ready.

All of the clubs in this area were pretty much the same, and he'd worked all of them before. The place where he was stationed tonight was smaller, quieter and more expensive to get into. Red and purple lights lit up the entrance, and a line of shivering people extended down the block even though it was still quite early. Kamui walked right up to the door, which was manned by a bouncer who'd worked with Fuuma for a while, though Kamui had only met him a few times. He was tall, with thick muscles and thicker eyebrows. Although he looked terrifying, he gave off a good vibe. "K-town," he said, brofisting Kamui.

"Kusanagi." He stepped aside and allowed Kamui in, ignoring the outraged yells of people waiting. The door closed, plunging him into red semi-darkness. He could hear music pulsing and throbbing further in, though it was punctuated by a sudden air horn blast. He rolled his eyes and found the coat check, which was also manned by someone he knew. He jointed the line, taking off his jacket and stuffing it into his bag, making sure one last time he still had his wallet, phone and supply.

"Hey!" The young woman working the coat check beamed at Kamui and he flashed her a winning smile. Enter, Kamui Shirou- hot adventurous party friend _always_ up for a good time!

"What's up?" He reached over the counter and hugged her, whispering, "There's X in the front of my bag, if you want it." Her face was alight when they broke apart.

"This is on the house, then," she said, handing him a ticket. "I'll text you later, okay?"

"I hope so!" Kamui gave her one last smile and headed into the main floor, all thumping beats, flashing lights and an orgy of people dancing. The music paused for three more air horn blasts and Kamui sighed irritably, hoping that wouldn't be going on all night. He looked around, wondering if he knew anyone, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find two pretty young women in tight dresses and heels, holding tiny purses and drinks.

"I was looking for you!" Whined the nearest one, a regular.

"You found me!" He exclaimed, hugging her.

"Are you selling?" She asked, right in his ear.

"Of course!" They withdrew from each other and started a conversation about nothing in particular. Kamui spun his glow stick in his fingers while she dug in her purse for cash. She took his hand, slipping him the money, and Kamui counted it surreptitiously before playfully sticking the end of his glow stick in his mouth. He opened the cap with his tongue and extracted the tablet. He smiled at his customer, then kissed her, gently pressing his tongue into her mouth to slip her the drug. They broke apart and she took a sip of her drink, giggling. Kamui turned to her friend. "You want a kiss?" He asked her, trying to imitate Fuuma's pull, his seductive tone. She smiled sheepishly, nodded yes and they repeated the move. "Drink lots of water," Kamui told them, before hurrying away around the edge of the crowd.

* * *

"Cheers," Seishiro said.

"Happy birthday," Subaru told him, quietly, a soft smile on his face. They had been seated in a warm, quiet corner and ordered drinks straight away. Subaru had felt his phone go off and hated himself for how much he wanted to answer it. For now, though, he tried to focus on Seishiro, watching the eyes behind his glasses slide between the pitch darkness outside and his own face. The soft candlelight illuminated Seishiro's handsome features, making him look strange, almost threatening. Subaru sipped his drink, waiting for the conversation to begin.

"Are you working next week?" Seishiro asked, finally, swirling his glass around.

"Yes, starting Monday," Subaru replied at once.

"What will you be doing?" This surprised Subaru.

"More work with a client I saw while you were away," he said, slowly.

"Who's that?" Subaru took another sip of his drink, unsure whether to be worried or heartened by Seishiro's interest.

"Someone uptown," he began, unsure of exactly what to say. "I did a house blessing for her."

"And she needs more help?"

"I'm not sure, actually," Subaru answered, truthfully. "But I'm worried about her."

"You worry about everyone, Subaru." Seishiro's eyes glittered, and Subaru couldn't tell if he was being put down or complemented. He flushed and sipped his drink.

"Well, with her I have good reason," he replied, a little defensively. Seishiro raised his eyebrows, but his smile remained as impassive as ever. Subaru's flush intensified, though that was probably from the drink. "She just split up with her boyfriend, and she's afraid of him, though she won't say so explicitly." Seishiro nodded, though his expression remained the same. "I told her to get an order of protection, but," he shrugged sadly at her resistance to the idea. "She probably just needs more help getting settled into her new place."

"She doesn't need an onmyoji for that," Seishiro said, dismissively.

"No, I suppose she doesn't," Subaru replied, biting back his irritation. "But, like I said, I'm worried about her, so…" His voice trailed away rather sadly and Seishiro just watched. Subaru felt another rush of that weird, bitter anger and he met Seishiro's gaze defiantly. "So I'm seeing her Monday to make sure everything is okay." Seishiro smiled and tilted his head to the side. Subaru usually found his expression unreadable, but for the first time he thought he could discern something. Was it pity? Contempt? Judgment?

"How are your drinks?" Their server had reappeared, breaking Subaru and Seishiro's gazes.

* * *

Kamui climbed a set of stairs, weaving in and around people in pairs, talking despite the noise or kissing despite the crowds. He managed to find a free corner and snuck into it, checking his phone to see if any of his customers had tried to contact him. " **Hey I'm at the bar on the second floor!** "

" **You here?** "

" **Where you at?** " Kamui answered each message, letting them all know he'd be up on the second floor. Below him, the DJ paused the music to ask everyone how they were doing for the fifth or sixth time since Kamui had arrived, followed by more air horn blasts.

' _Okay seriously, who's in charge of this shit?_ ' Rolling his eyes, Kamui shoved his phone back in his pocket, trying to suppress his disappointment that Subaru hadn't responded. Not that he could be surprised, he thought, bitterly. ' _Subaru's fine, stop buggin out_ ,' he told himself. ' _You're at work!_ ' Kamui shook himself and continued up the stairs.

The second floor was smaller, darker and quieter. Everything was suffused with red and purple light, and though the music continued to throb outwards from the DJ booth in the corner, there were no air horns or other nonsense. All around the room were smaller booths and tables crowded with people, sharing bottles and dancing together. Kamui snuck into a corner near the bar on the other side of the room, looking around but not seeing anyone he knew.

He watched the people enjoying themselves, remembering the night he'd met Fuuma on a sudden swell of nostalgia. He'd sat in a booth just like these, still in his work clothes, right by Fuuma's side, watching him buy and sell and negotiate, feeling his charisma, his pull. "There you are!" Came a voice from right behind him.

"Here I am!" he replied, turning around, snapping back to his professional demeanor. He was probably only thinking about this because he was going back to Fuuma's apartment later, but really, why couldn't he focus tonight?

"It's my friend's birthday," Kamui's customer told him excitedly, then, more quietly, "How much have you got on you?" Kamui followed him back over to his table, the music and crowds continuing around him.

* * *

"Tell me about these friends you've been seeing," Seishiro said, eyeing Subaru shrewdly. Again, Subaru wasn't sure how to feel about his interest.

"Well," he began, awkwardly, setting down his fork and taking a thoughtful sip of his drink. "I hang out with Kamui a lot. I met him at your party." He felt an embarrassed flush begin under the collar of his shirt but stared determinedly back at Seishiro, whose lip curled.

"What's he like?"

"He's-" Subaru paused, seeing Kamui's face clearly in his mind's eye. He saw his intense eyes and warm charismatic smile, felt his hand gripping his, smelled his hair on his pillows. "-a really good person," Subaru finished, the flush creeping up his neck. Why did his mind go there, of all places? He sipped his drink, even though that was probably the cause.

"That's vague," Seishiro said, dryly, and Subaru bit back an impatient sigh.

"He's just very easy to be with," he continued, then, forging bravely on, "he makes me laugh." Seishiro watched him, his lip still curling. "Especially when we spend time with his other friends." Subaru smiled affectionately as he remembered Sorata and Kamui bickering over video games and telling stories from high school to embarrass each other. They were so expressive and kinetic; it had been wonderful to watch.

"Like who?" Seishiro asked, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly, but Subaru continued.

"His friends Sorata and Arashi live together, so they had us over for dinner. That was where I was when you called me," he said, the flush moving to his face, and he swallowed. "Their friend Yuzuriha was there too."

"A dinner party?" Seishiro asked, raising an eyebrow, and Subaru looked away, feeling hurt as he remembered Sorata's delicious cream croquettes.

"Yes," he said, looking up again, trying to suppress his anger. "Would you rather I was out partying?" He asked, the tiniest hint of challenge in his voice.

"No," Seishiro replied, his tone suddenly cold, and Subaru felt a spasm of fear and looked down, clasping his hands tightly in his lap. Seishiro reached across the table and placed his first two fingers under Subaru's chin, lifting his gaze. Subaru swallowed, feeling another ripple of fear even though Seishiro was smiling. "You're so cute, Subaru."

* * *

Kamui had sold his entire stock, so he allowed himself a drink. He was sitting with a group of customers in their booth, but he couldn't remember exactly whose birthday it was or the name of the pretty young woman he currently had his arm around. ' _Not like it matters anyway,_ ' he reflected, sipping his drink and thinking smugly of his takings. He'd be out of here soon, back to Fuuma's apartment, hopefully hearing from Subaru…

A new song began abruptly and a thundering bass echoed through the room. The atmosphere around Kamui tautened sharply, and he looked around in alarm. "I GOT THIS FEELING ON A SUMMER-" the rest of the lyrics were drowned in excited screams as everyone in the booth jumped up, drunkenly grabbing onto each other. Kamui knew a true, visceral fear as he swallowed the rest of his drink and slipped out of the booth before anyone could notice. He hurried down the stairs onto the main floor, finally finding quiet relief in the coat check.

"Fuck, man," he said out loud, staring blankly ahead of him. Truly, nothing was scarier than a hoard of fucked up people dancing to the same obnoxious party song. He joined the line for the coat check, feeling the effects of his drink intensifying much faster than he'd expected. He checked his phone, no texts from Subaru. He let out a heavy sigh and collected his bag, extracting his jacket and headphones.

Appropriately suited up, he left the club, the cold night air seeming to shock him out of his work self, even though he'd been half-assing it all night. He stood under the red and purple lights, staring unseeingly at the crowds around him. "You okay?"

"Huh?" Kusanagi, the bouncer, was watching him. His expression was soft and kind, even as his arm muscles bulged threateningly.

"Yeah! Yeah I'm fine. Heading home." Kusanagi continued to stare, his expression suddenly sad.

"Take care of yourself, all right?" Kamui's eyes narrowed suspiciously, but he did appreciate the concern.

"Yeah, man, you too." Kusanagi brofisted Kamui again and he was on his way. He felt the familiar rush of adrenaline that accompanied finishing work, and he decided to walk at least part of the way to Fuuma's. He needed to blow off steam and sober up.

* * *

Dinner was over, and Subaru felt enormously relieved, then felt guilty for feeling that way. While Seishiro was distracted handing their server his credit card, Subaru looked at his phone under the table. He smiled at Kamui's messages, but then, " **Text me if you need me** " Subaru bit his lip, touched, a sudden burning in his throat. Missing Kamui was so painful, it was unnerving.

"Ready?" Seishiro asked. Subaru looked up, hurriedly putting his phone away before he could answer the text, and nodded. They collected their coats and emerged onto 79th Street. They both lit cigarettes, shivering in the cold, and headed back to the train.

"Thank you for dinner," Subaru said, quietly. Seishiro exhaled smoke and placed his hand on Subaru's lower back. Subaru moved closer, craving the small, affectionate gestures that had been so scarce lately. He stared at the ground ahead of him and he knew Seishiro was smirking.

They didn't speak the majority of the train ride home, though he wasn't entirely sorry about this. Every conversation was a guessing game about what would get him in trouble, and though the silence was cold and sad, it was safer. Subaru reflected that their silence used to be thick with meaning. While apart, all they'd do was talk, so when they'd reunite it was all passion, then spent silence. Now, though, he had no idea what Seishiro was thinking or what anything meant, and he had to fight with his mind to keep from spinning out into what-ifs. He longed for the past, when everything was clear, straightforward. It hadn't been easy, but it had made sense.

Subaru looked up at Seishiro, doing something on his phone, and for the first time felt totally disconnected. The bitter anger simmering constantly boiled shockingly in his chest, burning his throat. He had a sudden, intuitive understanding that Seishiro was totally unaware of his pain, though he couldn't tell if he was oblivious, or knew and just didn't care. Subaru blinked furiously. He'd make him care! He'd reconnect! Recapture what had made him run away with him in the first place. Seishiro put down his phone and turned to Subaru, smiling his impassive smile. "Seishiro, when we get home, let's…"

* * *

Kamui walked further and further downtown, feeling more irritated and anxious by the second. Everyone around him was walking slowly and it was freezing and he didn't mean to be this drunk and he still hadn't heard from Subaru. He'd expected fewer messages, but he hadn't expected how much it would freak him out. Although, it wasn't really surprising, given all the problems Subaru was having with his boyfriend. Even if he wasn't explicit about it, Kamui had seen him go from happy and talkative and involved to fearful and stiff and withdrawn just from a five minute phone call.

Of course, Kamui reminded himself, you never knew what happened behind closed doors, and he was in no place to comment on other people's relationships anyway. That being said, he thought so highly of Subaru, liked him so much, he hated to think of him unhappy. Kamui also reflected that Subaru's empathy and selflessness, while admirable and wonderful, would make him easy to take advantage of. Kamui's heart ached and he bit his lip, feeling something quite apart from his aggressive drunkenness, worry and apprehension. He didn't want this to happen to Subaru, or any bad thing to happen to Subaru. He wanted to protect him, keep him safe. The weird feeling gnawed in his chest and his breath quickened. What was going on?

He paid for his lapse in concentration when someone smashed into him as they walked in the opposite direction. "Watch where the fuck you're going!" Kamui shouted after them, venting his feelings.

"Fuck you!" The other person shouted back. Kamui responded with a rude hand gesture over his shoulder, then looked up, startled to find himself at Fuuma's apartment. How the hell had he gotten here? And when had it gotten this cold? He sighed heavily, feeling too preoccupied to be excited or hopeful about what was coming. He shook himself, trying to ignore the self-disgust in his stomach and gnawing in his chest as he pressed Fuuma's buzzer. The person for whom he'd had feelings for years was maybe showing signs of reciprocating, or at least changing things, and all he could think about was Subaru. His friend, for whom he cared deeply and was safely ensconced in his shitty relationship and probably wouldn't return his feelings anyway- the buzzer sounded and Kamui entered Fuuma's building, forcing himself to pay attention. He'd need his wits about him.

He took the elevator upstairs, checking his phone one last time. Still nothing, but he sent Subaru " **Done working, everything's cool. Hope you're having a good night!** " anyway before shoving his phone into his bag with his headphones. He emerged in Fuuma's kitchen to see him leaning against his counter, drink in hand, talking to a man with bleached hair wearing a long white coat. Fuuma smiled at Kamui, and he returned it after a second's hesitation.

"Come in," he said, imperiously, and Kamui approached. "Do you want a drink?"

"Yeah, actually," he replied at once. Maybe it'd help him relax, or at least ignore the grating worry inside him. "Thanks." The blonde man was eyeing Kamui with great interest, and it was annoying him. Fuuma poured a glass of whatever they were drinking, giving his companion a warning look as he did so. The man's eyes snapped back to Fuuma, and they exchanged a deeply unnerving smile. Kamui dropped his bag and coat onto the floor before accepting the drink, understanding from Fuuma's expression that he was to say nothing. He sipped his drink with a shudder and immediately felt heat rise in his face. He stood still, waiting for the conversation to end, to be alone with Fuuma.

"Kanoe's been bothering me with this for months," Fuuma said, dismissively.

"So you don't think it's true?" The man asked, raising his eyebrows.

"It's not my fucking problem if it is," Fuuma countered, threat creeping into his voice.

"Oh? You don't think she'd give up your name?" Fuuma leaned slightly forward, smiling almost affectionately.

"She knows better." Kamui's breath caught in his chest. He felt Fuuma's pull even as he tried to ignore everything. He didn't want to listen to this. He _really_ didn't want to listen to this. He took another sip of his drink, longing for a text from Subaru to distract him. "She's probably just being paranoid," Fuuma continued. "You of all people know how she gets, Yuuto."

"Well, certainly," the man replied, swigging his drink with a satisfied smile that made Kamui's skin crawl. He kept drinking, though all it did was exacerbate his unease and tiredness.

"We'll see, either way," Fuuma added, though it was plain he could give a fuck less about what Kanoe thought of whatever was going on. Yuuto shrugged theatrically and drained his glass before standing up to shake Fuuma's hand across the counter. They walked over to the elevator and Yuuto gave Kamui one last, intrigued look. Kamui stared back challengingly as the doors closed, then sighed heavily and downed the rest of his drink. "Tch," Fuuma spat, contemptuously, and Kamui felt suddenly worried as he looked up, holding his empty glass tightly in both hands. His heart pounded, but Fuuma smiled his charismatic smile and took a step towards him. "Nothing for you to worry about," he said, and Kamui nodded, intending to forget everything the second he was out the door. "How'd everything go tonight?" Fuuma asked, taking another step forward.

"Fine," Kamui replied. "I sold everything you gave me in like, an hour and a half." Fuuma smiled appreciatively.

"Take next weekend off, then." Kamui nodded, setting his glass on the counter behind him before he dropped it; his hands were shaking so badly.

"You want to fuck?" Fuuma asked, finally, his lip curling. Kamui's breath caught in his chest and he swallowed, the flush in his face deepening.

"Y-yes," he said, softly, his mind slow from the alcohol. Fuuma grabbed the back of Kamui's head and pulled him into a deep, heavy kiss, exhaling forcefully and shoving his tongue into his mouth. He wrapped his other arm around Kamui's waist, drawing him right up against him. Kamui wrapped his arms around Fuuma's neck and melted into the embrace, head spinning, heart pounding, erection throbbing. They kissed that way for a long time, way longer than they usually would have done, and Kamui was loving it even as his body was screaming for more. Were his suspicions right? Did Fuuma want more and this is how he expressed it? Was this even what he, Kamui, wanted? Oh god… The questions spiraled dizzyingly in his head and he kissed Fuuma all the more intensely. Whatever else happened, now he just wanted to feel, not think, but then Fuuma pulled away.

Kamui gasped, his eyes shut tight, and Fuuma let out a low, satisfied moan. Kamui opened his eyes and had to stop himself from crying out in surprise. He shut his eyes tight and opened them again, breathing hard. "Are you okay?" Fuuma asked, staring at him. Kamui shook his head, trying to clear it. It must have been a trick of the light, or the alcohol, or, "Kamui."

"Yeah! Sorry, I, I just got dizzy for a second." Fuuma eyed him suspiciously. Yes, _Fuuma_ , who the fuck else would he have been thinking about? Aside from the person he'd been worrying about all night? "I swear to god I'm cool," he said. Fuuma still looked unconvinced, but kissed him anyway. Kamui responded all the more enthusiastically, holding tight to Fuuma and pressing himself up against him, but Fuuma withdrew quickly this time.

"Go to my room," he breathed. Yes, that was right. That was Fuuma: powerful, seductive, composed. Kamui kept his eyes closed until he had turned away from Fuuma completely, just to be safe. He walked down the hallway to the bedroom, turned on, but nervous and unsure. He felt Fuuma take his hand and hold it, and at once the gnawing in his chest from earlier was back in full force, burning his throat, but he swallowed it. He had to stay focused, was he really this drunk?! Fuuma squeezed Kamui's hand and he turned in spite of himself, but then immediately spun back around, every muscle in his body in fearful spasm. Again, he'd seen green eyes, gently obscured by soft black hair, a quiet, excited smile and passion fighting to break through the polite, sad surface…

Fuuma stopped abruptly and pulled Kamui flush up against him. "What's wrong?" He breathed, softly, shoving his hands up his shirt. Kamui gasped, the touches making him remember he'd been turned on.

"N-nothing, seriously," he insisted. "I, ah!" Fuuma pressed his hand into Kamui's pants to stroke his erection. Kamui moaned, his chest heaving. ' _I'm with Fuuma, my boss, my supplier! Fuuma!_ Fuuma _!_ ' He thought, desperately.

"Better?" Fuuma hissed in his ear before biting it. Kamui cried out and thrust his hips forward into Fuuma's touches.

"Better!" He managed in a choked groan. Fuuma laughed softly and let go.

"Get in bed, I've been thinking about my cock in your mouth all night." The words sent a shiver through Kamui's entire body and he hurried into Fuuma's bedroom.

' _Yes, I'm with Fuuma just like I wanted!_ " Definitely. Besides, there was no way _he_ would ever say something like that, unless- ' _No!_ ' he thought, furiously. ' _I am_ not _doing this._ ' Fuuma entered the room and reclined on his bed, looking up expectantly. Kamui licked his lips, locking eyes with Fuuma and feeling his pull.

"You're so fucking cute sometimes."

* * *

Subaru cried out as Seishiro pressed his hand down on the back of his neck, forcing him into the pillows. He'd gotten off already, though it was hardly satisfying, and now Seishiro was just fucking him until he came. Subaru should have been happy: he'd asked for this. Physical intimacy seemed to be the only way he could feel close to Seishiro.

That feeling of ill usage was clawing at the corners of his mind, but he ignored it, trying to stay focused, moaning and gasping for Seishiro's benefit as he sped up his thrusts. Seishiro dug the fingers of one hand into Subaru's hip, then pulled him roughly to his hands and knees by the hair with the other. He curled over him and bit down, hard, on the back of his shoulder, letting out a deep, guttural moan.

Subaru's eyes flew open and he cried out, not at his boyfriend's orgasm, but at a sudden, vivid memory of telling Kamui about the bruises on his back, of Kamui's curious eyes and teasing laughter. " _Oh_ my god!" Seishiro had straightened up and pulled out suddenly, taking Subaru completely by surprise. He collapsed weakly onto his side, confused and embarrassed. Why was he thinking of that now? What was wrong with him? He pulled his knees up to his chest, watching Seishiro move about their room, throwing away the condom they'd used and retrieving his cigarettes. Any and all closeness was gone. When Seishiro finally left the room, Subaru picked up his cellphone.

* * *

Hours later, Kamui padded down the hall to Fuuma's kitchen. He felt thoroughly spent and satisfied, his mind blank for the first time all night. He knew tomorrow he'd feel empty, but he didn't have to think about it just yet. He filled a glass with water from the sink, drank it all in one gulp and refilled it. He then went to his bag to retrieve his cellphone. _Finally_ a message from Subaru! Kamui bit his lip.

" **Thank you for letting me know, I'd worry otherwise. I got home a little while ago, dinner was okay. Sorry I've been distant, I wasn't doing it on purpose. I'd like to see you soon, if that's okay. Wow this message is long! Anyway… good night** " Kamui read and reread the message, imagining Subaru typing out all of it, blushing when he thought it was too much, biting his lip as he sent it. Kamui held his phone to his chest and closed his eyes, his heart aching. He swallowed the sudden burn in his throat and replied,

" **I'm glad you had a good night :) Let's plan something tomorrow, sweet dreams!** " He swallowed again as he sent the message.

"Fuck," he whispered, gripping his phone painfully hard as he held it to his chest.

* * *

Uh oh...

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	8. Burning

**Happy Thursday!**

How are you all doing, good? i hope so! I'm glad to finally post this chapter, editing it gave me so much trouble for some reason. Apparently I'd forgotten how to structure sentences and paragraphs...? Whatever, I'm happy with it now so I hope you guys are too!

ALSO it has come to my attention that the formatting of this story (as well as my one-shot, Blessed Is This Union) can get screwed up depending on the browser you're using. **Text messages** are always in bold and _dreams and thoughts_ are in italics. I hope this wasn't causing tons of confusion! I think it may just be a chrome issue but I'm not sure. Either way, setting the record straight.

Anyway, here's chapter 8!

* * *

"Fuck," Kamui said softly, looking up at Fuuma's building, trying to get his wits about him. It was weird enough leaving his apartment the morning after spending the night without… Kamui sighed heavily and started his walk home, feeling confused and troubled rather than empty.

Even if he tried to block it out, deny it or blame it on the substances he'd consumed, the fact remained inescapable: he'd been hooking up with Fuuma, but he'd seen Subaru, clear as day. ' _Chill the fuck out, it doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means,_ ' Kamui told himself, sharply, as prickles of shame crawled across his entire body like scurrying insects. He didn't have those kinds of feelings for Subaru, they were just friends! Close friends who'd gotten close extremely quickly, sure, but still, that was it! Kamui got stuck at a red light and closed his eyes, the same cold breeze from last night skinning his face.

He knew only too well Fuuma's ability to look like someone else, to be whoever you needed him to be. He'd been thinking about Subaru all night because he hadn't heard from him, it could easily just be his mind reassuring him everything was okay. Yes, that could totally be it! He knew he wanted to protect Subaru, after all. He just cared for him deeply and hated to think of him unhappy. Besides, even if Kamui did have feelings for Subaru, he had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who treated him badly, but a boyfriend none-the-less, and Kamui wouldn't be that guy. He'd at least wait until they split up before trying shit. Not that he _would_ try shit!

' _This sucks,_ ' he thought, bitterly as he opened his eyes and crossed the street. Everything was completely up in the air all of a sudden. It had started last night, when Fuuma had asked him to come back to his place, given the faintest hint he might have more feelings than he was letting on. Kamui felt sick and pathetic to think that all it had taken was one, drawn out kiss to unlock his body and heart that way. He'd always wondered if Fuuma really did care for him or if he was just using him. Fuuma had called him his protégé, had showered him with praise and attention, and Kamui had done whatever he'd asked without thinking twice. He'd always thought he was basically in love with Fuuma, but was that love? Blind devotion? He supposed it was as close as he could get with someone like Fuuma, who he'd always have to keep at arm's length. It had sucked, yeah, but it was what it was. If he'd been with a normal person he would have asked for more, because he'd always known he needed more.

Kamui suddenly realized he was on 1st Avenue, though he had no idea how he'd gotten there. He entered his building and was finally back up in his apartment, warm and safe. He dropped his coat and bag onto the floor and fell face first into his couch, his headphones still on. He needed to shower and change, he felt all kinds of grimy, but his body was just too heavy. His mind remained on Fuuma, who he could still smell on his clothes and in his hair. At least he'd managed to keep Subaru out of his mind while he and Fuuma were doing everything else last night. A dull flush crept into his face as he remembered pleasing Fuuma and getting _so_ turned on doing it: Fuuma's hand on the back of his head, fingers entwined with his hair, deep satisfied breathing… Until he'd flipped Kamui onto his back and fucked him senseless.

Kamui exhaled slowly through his nose, rolling over onto his side and pulling his knees into his chest. It was always like that between them, hard and fast and _intense_. He'd be lying if he said he didn't love it; feeling totally absorbed in the moment, oblivious to all but Fuuma's hands, mouth and erection. He loved the afterglow, feeling utterly spent as he lay next to Fuuma, unable to move or speak, the fire inside him slowly burning itself out. Until, of course, he'd read that message from Subaru, which had brought him sharply back to Earth and thrown him entirely off balance.

He'd returned to Fuuma's bed with his mind full of Subaru. Fuuma had spooned him, lips on the back of his neck, arm curled around him. Kamui had tried to fight it, but he couldn't help but recall sleeping beside Subaru, wearing his t-shirt and hearing him breathe. They'd slept far apart and back-to-back, not unlike how he and Kotori had done as children, but there had been more intimacy, closeness and affection there than in anything he and Fuuma had done last night.

Kamui uncurled himself from his tight ball and rolled over onto his back, staring up at the cracks in his ceiling. Maybe that was it? He just wasn't getting the emotional intimacy he wanted from Fuuma, so he was thinking about the person with whom he shared the most? But then, he argued with himself, Fuuma always had a way of appearing to know more than Kamui ever wanted him to see. Fuuma had known exactly how to get him to come out to that club that night all those years ago, to begin working for him, to let him into his bed, and he'd let it all happen, seemingly unable to stop it. What was that, if not emotional intimacy?

Of course, everything had been completely different with Subaru. They'd stumbled into each other when Subaru was vulnerable, and then a second time when Kamui was vulnerable. It had all happened so fast; they'd skipped so many steps, but they let each other in anyway. Kamui felt his phone go off and jumped, his heart racing. He extracted it from his pocket, going deeply red and hating himself for it. " **Hey… let's plan!** " Kamui stared at Subaru's message for a few seconds before his hand fell limply to his chest.

' _I'm just missing him, this wouldn't be happening at all if we'd been talking like before!_ ' He told himself furiously. He responded the second he was able. " **Yes please :)** **When are you free?** " Again Kamui let his hand fall to his chest, wondering for the first time how Subaru felt about all this, about their- for want of a better term, relationship, about him. Obviously Subaru liked spending time with him, but was that all?

" **Literally anytime. I need to get out of the house** " Kamui stared at the message with a furrowed brow. Did he mean to sound that bitter? Had something happened? Had he and his boyfriend had another fight? Then, in an act of unjust cruelty, Kamui's mind wondered if maybe Subaru was just using him as an escape, as a means of not thinking about what was going on with his boyfriend, or worse, as a means of getting back at him. But no, Subaru wasn't like that, at least not on purpose.

" **Is everything okay?** " Kamui asked him. That had been a terrible thing to think, what the fuck? Kamui watched the chat bubbles appear, disappear and appear again, his heart beating uncomfortably against his ribs. Finally, the response came.

" **Yes of course! I'd just like to see you** " Kamui closed his eyes and took a deep breath before responding.

" **I want to see you too. Honestly we could meet up tonight if you want** " He knew he was being reckless, but he also thought that maybe if he just saw Subaru, if they were together in person, things would clear up. Although, he wasn't even sure he'd be able to look Subaru in the face after- after what? He'd only imagined him for a second, it wasn't like he'd thought of them kissing, or touching, or…

" **Can we? Please?** " …Subaru holding him tight, lips on his neck, chest hot against his back.

" **Sure! Come over later and we can go from there** " Kamui's face was burning.

" **I can be over there this evening, like 5? I think I remember how to get to your place but I may get lost :P** "

" **Sweet! See you later :D** " Kamui sat up, running his fingers through his hair and hoping he hadn't just made a huge mistake. Whatever other feelings he may or may not have for Subaru, he wouldn't risk their friendship for anything. If that meant ignoring and suppressing feelings, then that was what the fuck it meant. Subaru was too unusual, too amazing, too special, to let go over some hurt feelings, even if the hurt was deep.

* * *

"Who are you texting?"

"What? Sorry." Subaru tucked his headphones behind his ears and looked up at Seishiro.

"Who are you texting?" He repeated, an edge to his voice.

"Kamui," Subaru replied. He flushed, but he managed to maintain eye contact with Seishiro, feeling more annoyed than intimidated.

Subaru had woken up that morning to find the apartment empty, and he'd received nothing in return when he'd texted Seishiro to ask where he was. When he eventually did come back in the early afternoon, he brought in a thick tension that had saturated the entire apartment. Subaru had thought of asking what was wrong, but resisted, feeling too tired. Last night had been such a performance or hiding feelings and faking others that he felt totally depleted. It was like all of the passion and fire from their first hour or so together had completely burned out, leaving him charred, dry and hollow. Subaru might have found it scary if he wasn't feeling so detached, cocooned in his new anger.

Rather than agonize and worry, he'd sat with his headphones on, listening to music, texting Kamui and responding to work e-mails, aware of Seishiro but not speaking to him. There was definitely something empowering in this detachment, in not picking and prying. If anything, it meant that they weren't arguing about whether or not something was wrong, which, rather than identifying the problem so they could take steps to solve it, just made Subaru feel crazy. He was sick of feeling that way, of doubting himself. If there really was something the matter, Subaru reasoned, Seishiro would come to him. Subaru was tired of doing all the work, of accidentally starting pointless arguments.

"Making plans?" Seishiro asked, the edge in his voice sharpening.

"Yes," Subaru replied, wearily. Seishiro said nothing, and Subaru was about to put his headphones back on, when-

"Take those off," Seishiro said, his voice lowering still further. Subaru paused his music and placed his headphones on the couch next to him, suddenly fearful even through his detachment. Seishiro cast the headphones a cold look before staring at Subaru hard in the face. Subaru stared back, waiting. "When are you going out?" Seishiro asked, finally. Subaru sighed.

"Soon, probably around 4:30 or so."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm not sure, I think we'll probably just hang out at his apartment like we did last time." They stared at each other, Seishiro's expression impassive.

"Okay," he said, and though it might have sounded like it was no big deal, Subaru was too familiar with the threat under the words not to be afraid. However, he wouldn't engage. He was too tired. He'd conserve his energy for whatever was coming later, be it a fight or an actual conversation. Seishiro turned and walked back down the hall, saying nothing else. Subaru returned his headphones to his ears, feeling a sudden, strange sense of loss. The disconnect between them was growing, and Subaru had no idea what to do. He felt himself disengaging as he turned up his music, counting down the seconds until he could go see Kamui.

* * *

Finally, Subaru kissed Seishiro goodbye and was out the door. He felt Seishiro's eyes following him and got a sudden nervous chill, but he ignored it and texted Kamui to let him know he was on his way. " **Yay!** " Came the response at once, and Subaru smiled, sucking on his cigarette as he walked to the train. He knew he'd be in for it later with Seishiro, but all he could think of was seeing Kamui. Their time together was so restorative; he'd be able to deal with the fall out. He took the R train to 8th Street and smoked another cigarette as he walked to 1st Avenue. He felt his phone go off and picked it up, thinking it'd be Kamui, but,

" **Have fun tonight** " Seishiro. Subaru stopped dead in his tracks, fear, anger and disgust churning his insides. He wasn't sure whether it'd be more dangerous to ignore or respond. He didn't want to antagonize or instigate and he didn't want his time with Kamui to be tainted by a weird, fearful mood. At last he replied with,

" **Thank you, I'll see you later** " and defiantly decided he'd ignore any subsequent texts. He finished his cigarette and pressed Kamui's buzzer. Immediately he was let upstairs and he cursed himself for smoking so much as he climbed, though he reflected bitterly that it would be easier to resist his habit if his life were less stressful. He knocked on Kamui's door, catching his breath and shoving his phone and headphones into his bag. Locks clicked and scraped and the door opened, revealing Kamui in slim fitting jeans and another band t-shirt. His face lit up, and just like last time Subaru felt all the tension drain out of his body as he smiled back. They held each other's gaze for a second, laughing a little awkwardly before hugging each other hello.

Kamui's breath caught in his throat as he guiltily repressed memories of the night before. He held onto Subaru, inhaling smoke and soap and skin. "You're so cold, holy fuck," he said, softly, and Subaru laughed, hugging him more tightly. They broke apart, somewhat reluctantly. "Come in!" Subaru followed him inside, shutting the door behind him and feeling almost light-headed at his relief to be here.

"I'm so glad to see you," Subaru said, very suddenly, without meaning to, going slightly pink. Kamui turned to him, expression intense and beautiful as ever.

"Likewise," he replied. They exchanged another smile, and Kamui's heart pounded in his chest. He loved Subaru's smile, how his eyes would shine, bright green and framed by thick black lashes- ' _Stop, you're just happy to see him, chill!_ ' He told himself, taking Subaru's coat and carefully placing it on the back of the couch. He sat down and patted the space next to him before pulling his laptop towards him. Subaru sat down too, listening to the new song that began to play. "How's things? It's been forever," Kamui asked, sitting up straight and crossing his legs.

"I know, I'm sorry!" Subaru exclaimed, regretfully, placing a hand on his chest, and Kamui laughed. Subaru sighed softly, his heart swelling, loving Kamui's myriad facial expressions, his energy. "Things are fine, I mean, you already know Seishiro's back, so." He stopped speaking and shifted in his seat. He didn't want to talk about Seishiro, not yet, anyway. He was feeling safely apart from the whole situation and he wanted to preserve it for a little while longer. "How was work last night?" He asked, looking back at Kamui. Something shifted in his expression, and Subaru could tell he understood, even if he didn't say so out loud. He was so perceptive…

"Work was," Kamui began, though truthfully he didn't know what to say. He kept his eyes on Subaru. "It was ridiculously easy," he began, with a brave attempt at his old, flippant tone, but then added, "Draining, though."

"Why's that?" Subaru asked, eyes widening in that characteristic concern that made Kamui's heart ache. He swallowed.

' _It was hard for me to focus because I was thinking about_ you _all night and Fuuma was being weird?_ ' He thought, though out loud he said, "Clubs like that suck." Which was perfectly true. "The people there are," he rolled his eyes. "They aren't bad people, just-"

"Not the type of people you want to spend time around?" Subaru offered, and Kamui nodded, glumly.

"Feeling out of place like that is just really tiring, you know?" Subaru nodded, understanding completely. He suddenly remembered how Kamui sold at these clubs, and wondered if that was part of his exhaustion. Subaru felt a weird gnawing in his chest; he didn't like thinking about Kamui kissing all those people. "I mean, I'm usually pretty okay," Kamui said, breaking Subaru out of his thoughts. "Last night was just…"

"Hard?" Subaru offered, a little sadly. Kamui nodded, his insides squirming uncomfortably at how true that was.

"I guess that's the word," he sighed resignedly.

"I'm sorry," Subaru said. Although they both knew how much he meant it, Kamui just shrugged; he didn't want to say anything else.

"It's whatever. How was your boyfriend's birthday?" He asked, smiling bravely.

"Also hard," Subaru said, without meaning to. He swallowed and crossed his arms protectively in front of his chest, feeling embarrassed. Kamui watched him, but he also just sighed, shrugged and smiled. Kamui's heart beat painfully, but he decided not to push.

"Um, did you work at all last week?" He asked, shifting his position on the couch.

"No, I didn't work at all," Subaru replied, and though he appreciated Kamui's effort with the subject change, it was hard to keep the resentment out of his voice. "But, remember my client I told you about last time I saw you?"

"The one who broke up with her scumbag ex? Yeah, I remember." Subaru laughed appreciatively.

"Yes, I'm seeing her on Wednesday." Kamui smiled eagerly.

"What for? More protection spells?"

"To be honest I'm not sure, but she asked for my help, so…" Kamui's smile widened.

"So even if it's something menial you'll do it?" Subaru nodded.

"Of course, she was in a terrible state last time I saw her." He surprised himself at how defensive he sounded.

"I think that's awesome," Kamui said, very firmly. He didn't think there was any need for Subaru to justify himself.

"Really?" Subaru asked, hating how much he wanted the validation. Kamui reached out and took his hand without realizing what he was doing. Subaru felt his chest constrict as he stared back at Kamui, his expression full of meaning.

"Really!" Kamui assured him, feeling Subaru's hand, warm and smooth, in his own. He knew it was a dangerous impulse, but he didn't want to withdraw from Subaru or act like his feelings had changed. Not that they had! He wouldn't mess up their friendship for anything, even-

"I know how isolated she was feeling," Subaru said, jerking Kamui out of his mental spiral. "So even if she doesn't need me as an onmyoji," he continued, giving Kamui's hand a squeeze, "I'll be there as someone who cares." He knew he sounded angry, but as he remembered Seishiro's contempt, his judgment, he didn't care. He'd wanted to continue feeling disengaged and focus on Kamui, but his throat burned as the bitterness bubbled inside him.

"Subaru?" Came Kamui's voice from far away.

"Sorry, I'm all over the place today," he replied, letting go of Kamui's hand and running his fingers through his hair. Kamui curled his own fingers into his palm; he could still feel the heat from Subaru's touch.

"Are you-" he began, but broke off. He found Subaru's agitation deeply unsettling, and it was difficult not to pry, though he had no idea what he wanted to say. He'd been intending to ask "are you okay?" but that made him feel like a total punk.

"Am I what?" Subaru asked, cautiously, worried he'd let on too much. His heart beat as he watched Kamui, waiting.

"Nothing, just, did something happen last week?" Kamui asked, with the feeling of placing his foot on a ledge.

"No! I mean," Subaru went very red, feeling terrible for how their happiness at being reunited had become all weird and sad, exactly as he feared it would. He felt a sudden flash of anger at Seishiro for making him feel this way, and he said, purely to be spiteful, "Seishiro doesn't think I should go see this client." Kamui narrowed his eyes.

"Why the fuck not?" He asked, genuinely curious, but Subaru laughed rather coldly. Kamui felt unnerved by Subaru's bitterness. "No, seriously…"

"I have no idea," Subaru said, "but it's always like this." He felt his throat constrict, as if his body were trying to keep the traitorous information inside him. Subaru bit his lip, the words rising inside him as they'd done on the train platform after seeing Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha, egged on by Kamui's supportive, reassuring presence. "This week has been awful," he said, in a rush, physically feeling the words leave his body. He looked at Kamui, his eyes full of concern, and it was like a dam had burst in his chest.

Before he knew it, he was telling Kamui everything: how he and Seishiro were arguing constantly, how he couldn't seem to do anything right, how he felt so used and alone. Subaru had never said any of this out loud before, and even as it felt like a betrayal and he hated himself for it, it did make him feel better. Shame lapped at his insides, and he found he couldn't look at Kamui as he said any of this, but his soft encouragement and understanding words helped him keep going. "I wanted last night to be special," Subaru said, his voice tight and the corners of his eyes burning. That was too much for Kamui. He moved closer to Subaru and hugged him. He stiffened in surprise, but then relaxed quickly, letting Kamui help him carry the weight and emotions.

"I don't blame you for feeling frustrated," Kamui breathed, right in his ear, and the validation seemed to dislodge more bitter feelings. Subaru wrapped his arms around Kamui, trying to keep it together, but it was all so much. Kamui was giving him the understanding, support and affection he hadn't even realized he'd been missing. Without thinking, he held Kamui closer, smelling his hair and feeling his muscles move under the fabric of his shirt. He couldn't remember when he'd last felt this connected and cared for, and it was Kamui who made him feel this way. It hadn't been Seishiro, the man who said he loved him, for a long time.

Kamui was breathing deeply, forcing himself to stay focused. Subaru was unhappy, and he felt his pain as if it were his own. He hated this. He hated that there was nothing he could do, because he wasn't stupid enough to tell Subaru to leave his boyfriend. You never tell people to split up with their significant others, even if it's your greatest wish. "I'm so sorry," Subaru said quietly, his voice still constricted. Kamui withdrew so he could look him in the face, hands still on his shoulders, the space between them pulsing with emotion.

"What for?" He asked, smiling kindly. Subaru bit his lip, passion simmering just below the polite sadness in his expression, eyes shining… ' _Don't even_ think _about it,_ ' Kamui's brain screamed at him. ' _Listen to what he's saying, don't be fucking gross!_ ' "You know you can tell me anything." Subaru smiled and Kamui finally took his hands away.

"I hardly contacted you all week and when we finally see each other I get like this, it's-"

"I swear to god it's fine," Kamui reassured him. Subaru still felt awful, even though Kamui was so easy to be with, so compassionate, so non-judgmental. "Look," Kamui said, his tone deepening, feeling like he was placing his other foot on the ledge. "It's not your fault your boyfriend wants to pick fights with you for no reason." He could practically see the words fighting to get into Subaru's mind, to make an impression, and that hurt in a way he was totally unprepared for. Did Subaru really blame himself for this? It sounded to Kamui like Subaru's boyfriend was on a perpetual power trip, and he reflected, rather uncomfortably, that after his last two years with Fuuma, he knew what that looked like. He stood up very suddenly, self-disgust and sympathy churning his insides. "Get your coat and come with me."

"What?" Kamui held out his hand. Subaru took it, and he pulled him to his feet.

"I want to show you something." The space between them was still thick and heavy, but Kamui's tone was suddenly commanding.

"O-okay," Subaru replied, confused. Kamui smiled and let go of his hand, reaching for his keys and putting on his hoodie. Subaru pulled on his coat and followed Kamui back out of the apartment and across the hall. They stopped in front of a grimy looking door, which Kamui opened, revealing an even grimier set of stairs. Subaru hesitated. "Um, where are we going?" He asked, still totally confused.

"You'll see," Kamui told him, smiling and taking his hand again. He pulled Subaru up the stairs, only to end up at another door, which he unbolted, then opened with a loud creak. He squeezed Subaru's hand and they emerged onto the roof of the building.

It was cold up here, and the wind was still aggressive, but Subaru let out a soft, "Oh!" and let go of Kamui's hand to walk to the very edge. He pulled his coat more tightly around him, staring out over the rooftops. Everything was calm and quiet, hiding the chaos and crowds below. It was almost like being at sea; the Williamsburg Bridge, huge and glittering in the distance, looked like a ship coming into port. It may not have seemed like much, but the change of scene was such a welcome distraction, and Kamui had given it to him, and-

"The closest we get to stars," Kamui said, very quietly, standing next to Subaru, arms wrapped around himself. Subaru felt the words, warm and loving, right in his heart.

"I still have that picture you sent me," he replied, moving closer. The information made Kamui feel happier than he ever would have expected and he blushed deeply. "This is perfect, though," Subaru continued, and Kamui's heart swelled. They stayed that way for a long time, side by side, gently touching, loving silence. Subaru felt his mind finally begin to relax and empty, so happy to be with Kamui. "I promise I won't neglect you next week," he said, and Kamui let out a light laugh, leaning his head against Subaru's shoulder.

"I'll hold you to that." Subaru rubbed the side of his face in Kamui's hair, inhaling his shampoo and cold night air. Kamui closed his eyes at the gesture, gasping softly. _God_ this felt good, but… "Um, do you want to order dinner?" He asked, moving away and shivering slightly. Subaru also let out a soft gasp, the parts of his body that had been in contact with Kamui still felt warm.

"Oh, um, yeah sure!" He said, hoping he didn't sound as awkward as he felt. He swallowed, feeling his face go red. Was he really this starved for affection? He followed Kamui back inside, down the stairs and into his apartment. Subaru watched him shrug off his hoodie, then stretch his arms above his head. His shirt was pulled up, revealing smooth skin and the deep curve in his lower back. Subaru bit his lip, his blush deepening.

The rest of the night passed in a blur of relaxed conversation, soft music and affectionate touches. Kamui could feel his mind screaming at him to be easy, to relax, but his body and his heart were longing for more. He wondered how Subaru was feeling, if he was holding his hand, brushing up against him and leaning his head on his shoulder as much as he realized. Kamui tried not to think about it, to just be present.

Subaru hoped he wasn't bothering Kamui or freaking him out, but he hadn't realized how much he'd been craving this kind of attention. He'd missed being touched this way, where it all carried so much affection and tenderness, even though they were just friends! Subaru reflected sadly that he couldn't remember the last time Seishiro's touch had made him feel that way. Now it just made him all the more aware of what was missing.

"I should probably head home," he said, finally, apprehensive and regretful. It was nearly midnight. Kamui let out a sad, sympathetic moan. "I wish I could just stay over," Subaru continued, very quietly. Kamui's eyes widened and he felt his heart speed up. Did he mean…? "I don't want to go home," Subaru said, so quietly that Kamui almost missed it. He reached out and rubbed circles on Subaru's back. He could feel his breath expand and contract the skin separated from his fingers by millimeters of soft fabric.

"It'll be okay," Kamui said. The words burned his throat. "You know I'm always here if you need me."

"Thank you," Subaru replied. With a heavy sigh, he got to his feet. Kamui stood up as well, watching Subaru gather his things, sadness gnawing in his chest. He walked him to the door and they paused, looking at each other uncertainly.

"Text me when you get home," Kamui said, quietly.

"I will." Subaru didn't want to leave the safety of Kamui's apartment. He had no idea what he'd find when he got home, but he knew it wouldn't be this. Fear and sadness pumped through his body with each heartbeat. He reached for Kamui and hugged him tightly. Kamui's entire body seemed to light up, even as the gnawing in his chest was painful.

"Let's hang out a lot this week," Kamui said, right into Subaru's neck. He inhaled soap and smoke and skin one last time.

"Mmhmm," Subaru breathed, his eyes closed. Finally, they broke apart, the space between them aching, longing.

"Take care, okay?" Kamui said, and Subaru nodded.

"You too." They exchanged one last embrace, and Subaru was gone. The door creaked slowly closed. Kamui stepped forward to push it shut and bolt it before letting out a deep, resigned sigh. He stared at the closed door as if paralyzed; the only part of him moving was his throbbing heart.

Who the fuck was he kidding?

He didn't just want to protect Subaru, or be there for him as a friend, or whatever else he'd told himself before. He wanted Subaru, mind, soul and- he swallowed, body. He _liked_ Subaru, and he liked him a lot. Kamui supposed he shouldn't be surprised: he'd wanted to see Subaru to clear up all these new feelings, and he'd gotten his answer. The answer was just the one that would cause them both the most pain. Fucking typical. He turned and walked back to his bedroom, shutting off lights as he went. He threw himself into bed, fully clothed, feeling utterly lost and alone.

He hated this. He swore he wouldn't act on his feelings, at least not yet, but he knew the more time he spent with Subaru the harder this would be. Kamui had always known how amazing Subaru was as well as how good-looking he was, but somehow the two pieces had never come together. Now, though, Kamui felt everything for him, and could actually admit it to himself. That was something at least. He wouldn't tell his friends anything, of course, because he couldn't stand to see the smug satisfaction on their faces.

Kamui rolled onto his belly, his face in his pillows, and wondered again how Subaru felt about all of this. Did he know? Was that why he was being so physical all night? No no, he was just looking for comfort because he and his boyfriend were so distant and were heading faster and faster towards splitting up… ' _Stop,_ ' he told himself, furiously. Self-disgust bubbled inside him. How selfish was it to wish for such a thing? He knew Subaru was trying to make everything work, to keep them together, even as he had tried to contain his anger and sadness, had held Kamui close to him, had said he wanted to stay over…

Kamui's stomach clenched as he remembered embracing Subaru, squeezing his hand, breathing him in… "Ah!" Kamui gasped, then let out a soft, shaky exhale. The vivid, visceral memories made him go furiously red, and- Kamui shifted his hips awkwardly, trying to accommodate his growing erection. He supposed this was to be expected, but oh _god_ just why?! Kamui rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, mouth open and breath shallow. It was like all of the feelings he'd been fighting all night were now free to take him over.

He closed his eyes, and immediately saw everything from the night before: Subaru in front of him, passion simmering in his eyes, smiling lips parted seductively. Kamui opened his eyes at once, staring at the ceiling, but he felt the vision in his body now. He imagined kissing Subaru, slowly, hesitantly, feeling his lips on his own, warm and soft, hands up under his shirt, moving down his chest… Kamui groaned. He shouldn't, even if he did feel that way about Subaru, it seemed fucked up, unclean somehow, but oh god he was _so_ hard. He could feel Subaru's lips move to his neck, kissing him tenderly, finding all his sensitive spots with his lips and tongue. He could smell him, smoke and soap and skin, and could hear him whisper, " _Is this okay?_ " right in his ear as he drew his hand down.

"Yes!" Kamui moaned out loud, thrusting his hips up into his own hand. He kept his eyes shut tight, imagining it was Subaru's long slender fingers wrapped around his erection, pleasing him in delicate, though insistent, strokes. Kamui moaned softly again, a deep blush in his face as he saw Subaru, clearly in his mind, a furtive and excited smile on his face at the effect he was causing.

" _Does this feel good?_ "

"Yes!" Again, Kamui cried out the word, feeling Subaru bring his lips back to his neck, then his ears, kissing and sucking harder. Kamui's breath was shallow and his thighs were shaking. Waves of pleasure radiated out from between his legs and pressure continued to build. "I'm gonna come!" He moaned, imagining the look on Subaru's face: excited and lustful even through his deep blush. Kamui kept his eyes shut tight and yanked up his t-shirt with his free hand, his entire body seizing up. "Subaru!" He cried out, gasping softly as he came all over his hand and his belly. He shivered and twitched as he continued stroking himself, thrusting his hips up into his hand, drawing out the friction and pleasure as long as he could.

At last, he let go and opened his eyes, staring down between his legs and feeling satisfied, but… He reached for tissues from the box on his bedside table, cleaning himself up and still breathing hard. He supposed he shouldn't feel guilty, necessarily, it was just jerking off. Wasn't it better to get his feelings out this way than to act on them out of sheer frustration? He got out of bed to throw the tissues away, his heart hurting him even through his haze of satisfaction. What was hurting, he realized, as he went into the living room to retrieve his phone, was that everything he was feeling could go totally unreciprocated.

Fear crawled sickeningly through his body and he swallowed, trying not to think about that possibility. He looked at his phone, relieved to see Subaru had texted him " **Home safe, thanks for tonight, it was exactly what I needed! I'll text you in the morning** " Kamui held his phone to his chest, breathing deeply, then responded.

" **Me too :) Sweet dreams!** " Kamui returned to his room, got undressed and crawled into bed. He felt suddenly so tired, so in need of rest. He closed his eyes, and as though his mind had the fantasy on cue, he saw and felt Subaru in bed beside him, holding him close and kissing him softly on the back of his neck. Kamui screwed up his eyes, surrendering, drawing a deep comfort from the vision.

* * *

Subaru smiled at Kamui's text, trying to draw the last little bit of strength and resolve from their time together. He unlocked the door to his apartment and could _feel_ the tension in the dim light and silence as he toed off his shoes. He hung up his coat and walked cautiously down the hall. Seishiro sat on the couch on his laptop, probably working. He looked up as Subaru approached, then returned his gaze to his computer, saying nothing. His displeasure stung, but Subaru turned to go into their bedroom, remembering not to instigate. "How was your night?" Came Seishiro's voice, suddenly. Subaru shuddered as he turned around.

"Good, how was yours?" Seishiro began to type something, and Subaru waited.

"Fine. I don't know why you're home so late, though." Irritation and fear twisted Subaru's insides. Seishiro wasn't even looking at him.

"I'm sorry, we got to talking and I lost track of time," Subaru replied, an edge to his voice.

"I'm sure." Subaru sighed heavily, and finally Seishiro looked up. Subaru's breath caught in his chest, but he stood his ground, staring back defiantly. Seishiro's eyes flashed. "You know I hate when you're upset with me, Subaru," he said, sounding both sad and challenging. The frustration and resentment inside Subaru seemed to flash heat.

"Why are you always so-" he began, but stopped himself. Seishiro's lip curled.

"So what?" Now they were in a fight. Subaru didn't want to do this, he _really_ didn't want to do this. He ran his fingers through his hair. "What were you going to say?" Seishiro asked, his tone almost sinister. Subaru felt the familiar spasm of fear; it was like being caught in a rip tide.

"I don't know," he said, finally, hating himself and how defeated he sounded. Subaru locked eyes with Seishiro, and he realized suddenly that he was only upset that they were arguing, not about the possibility of losing him. He knew they wouldn't split up over this, and he also knew that this fight would give way to the next one, and the one after that. Subaru suddenly felt so tired, like all the happiness and strength he'd felt from his time with Kamui was sucked out of him. This fight, like so many others, was stupid, not worth the trouble, and he'd rather conserve his energy for something else. "I don't want to fight with you," Subaru said, a pleading note in his voice. Seishiro looked at him appraisingly.

"Then don't," he said, his tone more sinister than ever. His expression scared Subaru, and he nodded.

"I just, I want to go to bed," he said, softly.

"Then go." Seishiro returned to his computer, the clicking of keys magnified by the tension between them. Subaru felt the words like a slap in the face and shuddered, turning away from Seishiro at last. He went into the bedroom, breathing rather fast. He got undressed and climbed into bed, curling up into a ball under the covers and shivering, feeling cold and empty. He wished more than anything he was back at Kamui's, sleeping back-to-back, warm and safe. Subaru stared at the wall in front of him, the darkness heavy on his eyes.

' _It's not your fault your boyfriend wants to pick fights with you for no reason._ ' Subaru recalled Kamui's words suddenly, and his heart throbbed painfully. It had always sort of occurred to Subaru that he might not be as responsible for everything wrong in their relationship as Seishiro would have him believe. Now, though, he knew he wasn't. Subaru had spent so much time being afraid of Seishiro's displeasure. He'd do whatever he could to prevent fights, but nothing ever seemed to work, and it was only getting worse. Subaru needed something to change, and his desire to break the cycle was beginning to override his fear of leaving Seishiro, of being wrong.

' _This is what I asked for, coming here, isn't it?_ ' He thought, but then a stronger voice in his head countered, ' _No, you didn't. You came here with the man you loved to start a life together, and you have every right to feel unsatisfied if you aren't getting what you need._ ' Subaru's heart beat faster, he felt taken aback by this new, dangerous thinking, but… He curled into a tighter ball. He'd have to talk to Seishiro, once he'd gotten up the nerve and figured out what he wanted to say.

* * *

 _Subaru sighed contentedly, holding tightly to the warm body pressed up against him, inhaling the smell of his shiny black hair, lips on the back of his neck. "Subaru," he said, quietly, reaching for his hand and interlacing their fingers._

" _Mmm?" He brought Subaru's hand down to feel his erection. Subaru let out a soft, excited gasp and smiled, feeling himself get hard again at once. "Is this what you want?" Subaru breathed, beginning to stroke his erection as he thrust his own hips teasingly up against him from behind._

" _Oh_ fuck _yes!" Subaru sucked on his neck as he moved his hand up and down, faster and faster, feeling him get hot and shivery in his arms. It didn't seem like much, but oh_ god _pleasing him felt so good, so hot and intimate and-_

With a terrified gasp, Subaru woke up, splayed out on his back. His eyes were wide and his whole body was shaking, flushed and sweaty. He took a few calming breaths, trying to get his wits about him. He turned to find Seishiro beside him, fast asleep, and felt a surge of hot guilt. He'd been sleeping next to his boyfriend, but he'd had a dream that made him so hard he could barely see straight about, about… He rolled over onto his side, facing away from Seishiro and curling up, hiding the evidence of his treachery.

It was just because he was angry with Seishiro, because they'd been having trouble, and it was just a dream! His heart was still beating hard against his ribs and his erection was still aching for attention, but he ignored it, trying to calm down. He shut his eyes, feeling horrible, and saw again the back of a pale neck contrasting with shiny black hair that smelled so familiar…

"Seishiro!" Subaru rolled over and crawled right up close to him. Seishiro stirred and made an irritated noise.

"What?" He demanded. Subaru wrapped his arm around him, wanting him to face him, hold him and touch him, but Seishiro recoiled, moving further away. Subaru felt the action like a stab in the heart.

"Seishiro, please," he whispered, placing his hand on his back. Seishiro finally turned to look at him and Subaru withdrew his hand at once, his eyes wide, fear gripping him.

"I was up half the night waiting for you, do _not_ keep me awake," Seishiro hissed, eyes shining like those of a predator in the darkness. Subaru withdrew still further, his throat burning.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Go back to sleep." Seishiro rolled over onto his other side, and Subaru let out a long exhale. Eventually, the horror began to drain out of his body, leaving him shaking. He felt shell shocked and afraid, really afraid, of the person lying next to him, and for the first time he wondered if they ever could reconnect, if it was even worth trying.

Especially if he was having dreams about someone else.

* * *

UH OH...

The next chapter's going to be a trip...

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	9. Hell

**Happy Thursday!**

How are you all? I hope you had good Labor Days if you were able to get the time off. I guess summer's over? Even as it's been 85 degrees and insanely humid in New York the last few days.

ANYWAY, sorry, welcome to chapter 9! I'm both terrified and excited to post this. I know this chapter is... pretty intense. Full disclosure, I cried when I was writing it so much I had to take a break and go cuddle with my cat for like, an hour. I don't know if it will resonate with all of you the same way, but I'll certainly be excited to hear what you think!

I'll leave you with a quote from _The Casual Vacancy_ by JK Rowling, my favorite novel.

" _But who could bear to know which stars were already dead? Could anybody stand to know that they all were?_ "

* * *

" **You should come hang out with me and my friends tonight** " Subaru smiled at the message.

" **What's the plan?** " He watched the chat bubbles appear, disappear and appear again through a kind of tunnel vision. Nothing could penetrate the protective shield he had created for himself with his music and his cellphone. He felt utterly disconnected from Seishiro and had no idea what to do about it.

On Monday, he'd sent him a text at work, asking to talk that night. Seishiro agreed, but when he returned home he ignored Subaru completely. Although Subaru was determined, he felt too scared to initiate the conversation, so he waited. And waited. Until, "Subaru."

He looked up and knew a moment of utter terror as Seishiro reached forward and forcefully ripped Subaru's headphones off of him. "Stop!" Subaru cried out, feeling like his insides had disappeared. Seishiro's expression was deathly cold as he held Subaru's headphones tight in his hand, staring down at him.

"They're only headphones," he said, quietly dismissive. Subaru swallowed, his eyes wide and fearful as he watched his phone swing back and forth from the headphone chord like a pendulum. "You said you wanted to talk and then you don't listen when I speak to you." Seishiro dropped everything onto the couch, his stare forceful and colder than ever. Subaru felt a moment's relief, but knew it was premature. He also realized he was shaking.

"I," he began, trying to calm himself. Seishiro's lip curled, but he said nothing. "I," Subaru tried again, then swallowed. "N-never mind," he said, looking down, his heart pounding. Seishiro placed his first two fingers under Subaru's chin and lifted his gaze. His touch was icy and his voice radiated contempt.

"Stop?" Subaru swallowed, feeling the skin of his throat move against Seishiro's fingers. He nodded, and Seishiro withdrew. Subaru gasped, pressing his own hand to his neck and feeling his pulse. Seishiro made one last, contemptuous noise and turned away, heading back down the hall. At once Subaru picked up his phone and put his headphones back on. Everything still seemed to be working. He pressed his cellphone to his chest, listening to the music, hating himself and Seishiro.

He had wanted to say that he was unhappy, that he loved Seishiro but he needed things to change, but now there was no way he could. He felt tears begin in the corners of his eyes and blinked furiously. He was totally stuck. Any and all power he'd felt, any control he might have been able to reclaim, Seishiro had taken away. Subaru knew this couldn't go on, but he felt so tired and so afraid. In the end, all he did was change his cellphone background and lock screen from a picture of him and Seishiro together to the photo of Manhattan lit up in the night that Kamui had sent him all those weeks ago.

The rest of the week, Subaru had thrown himself into his work. It was a relief to be concerned for other people, though it was all emotionally draining. His client on Dyckman Street told him in detail about her ex's attempts to discredit and smear her. People needed actual exorcisms rather than just blessings.

However, it was still better than being at home, with Seishiro's displeasure and his own fear and misery. They barely spoke, and when they did it was an argument. Subaru would just lie in bed or on the couch for hours at a time, listening to his music and texting Kamui. These were the only things that made him feel better, even though he'd also feel a weird mix of guilt and spite. He knew it was wrong to be absorbed in someone else, tuned out to the problems in front of him, but he couldn't stop. Kamui was the only person with whom he could be honest, who'd reciprocate with the kindness and understanding Seishiro never gave him.

" **We're just going to some bar when everyone's off work** " The text forced Subaru back to the present. Saturday afternoon, alone in his apartment, wishing time would slow so Seishiro wouldn't come home.

" **Sure! Where and when?** "

" **Come over whenever and we'll go there together** " Subaru smiled at the message, tendrils of excitement forcing their way into his chest. Though he'd been texting Kamui constantly, he hadn't had time to actually see him since Sunday night. Unless you counted that dream in the early hours of Monday morning, but that wasn't necessarily Kamui! It could have been anyone! Guilt flooded Subaru's stomach even as the rest of his body remembered how good it had all felt.

' _No,_ ' he told himself. ' _People can't help what they dream, it could mean anything!_ ' He replied to Kamui's text, a flush in his face and neck.

* * *

" **I'll be there in an hour, I just need to shower and change** " Kamui inhaled sharply, his mind taking the prompt like poisonous bait.

" **Awesome** " he sent back, trying to distract himself from thoughts of Subaru naked and flushed under a cascade of hot water. He texted Sorata to confirm their plans, then stood up to make himself presentable. He'd seen his yoga instructor customer earlier, and he still felt rather sweaty and stretchy. He'd given her the last of his weed in exchange for their session, which meant he'd need to see Fuuma, though he didn't want to, not after last weekend.

For the first time ever, Kamui didn't want anything to do with Fuuma physically, and had no idea if he'd be cool with that or not. Although supposedly their relationship was professional, part of it was always about sex. It had been that way since the night they met. Kamui didn't think Fuuma would force him into anything, but maybe that was only because Kamui always gave into him, even if afterwards he felt empty.

He reflected sadly that he'd probably just be thinking about Subaru the entire time anyway, which was even more depressing than jerking off to him every night. His fantasies had escalated quickly from Subaru kissing him, pleasing him with his hands and his mouth, to riding Subaru hard, digging his fingernails into his chest, watching him writhe under him, feeling him shiver and hearing him moan. An unpleasant heat flooded Kamui's face as he remembered. Guilty as he felt about it afterwards, he couldn't stop.

Kamui washed, dressed and made half-assed attempts to clean up his apartment, all the while ignoring texts from customers. Finally, he heard his buzzer and ran to let Subaru upstairs. "Hey!" He exclaimed, smiling even as his heart ached. Subaru was dressed all in black, the button down shirt he was wearing clinging to his chest in all the right places. ' _Fuck_ ,' Kamui thought, imagining more and more soft, pale skin exposed as each button was undone… Subaru returned Kamui's smile and hugged him, making him gasp, and he willed his body not to do anything stupid.

Subaru took a deep breath in, suddenly remembering his dream, and let go of Kamui before he could think about it too much. They looked at each other, both rather pink in the face. "Come inside," Kamui said. Like last time, Subaru felt immediately safe in Kamui's apartment, but there was still a tight ball of bitter sadness in his chest. He wouldn't let it distract him, though: he wanted to be present, be _there_ with Kamui and his friends. "Do you want a drink?" Kamui asked. Subaru raised his eyebrows.

"Aren't we going to a bar later?" He asked, smiling more in the last five minutes than he had done all week.

"Well yeah, but we have to pregame to make Yuzuriha mad she was stuck at work all day," Kamui replied, as though it were obvious. Subaru burst out laughing. It was such a welcome change from all his isolating, negative emotions it was almost like a head rush.

"Oh, certainly!" Kamui flashed him a winning smile, warmth flooding his chest at Subaru's laugh.

"Dude fucking around with each other is the basis of our friendship." Subaru kept laughing, and Kamui was thrilled. "Sit down, I'll bring you something." Subaru watched Kamui go, shiny black hair caressing the back of his neck.

' _It was just a dream, just a one time thing,_ ' he thought, resolutely. He took off his coat before sinking onto the couch.

Kamui paused in his kitchen to collect himself. So far everything was okay. At least, nothing seemed different, which was an enormous relief. As he extracted two beers from his fridge, he hoped everything would still be cool under the influence of drinks and low lights. ' _Or that while we're fucked up we confess our feelings for each other so he leaves his boyfriend for me_ ,' Kamui thought, before he could stop himself. ' _Shut the fuck up, what's wrong with you?_ ' He demanded of himself. Shaking his head despairingly, he returned to the living room. "Here," he said, handing Subaru his drink, and he looked curiously at the skeleton on the label. "Try it, it's good," Kamui assured him, and Subaru took a sip.

"You're right!" Kamui smiled, feeling _so_ glad to have him there. They drank and listened to music and talked, cheerful and excited. Kamui didn't ask Subaru about his week, he'd heard all about it over text, and figured it was best not to bring it up. Subaru felt himself beginning to relax. It was such a relief just being with Kamui in person, not thinking about everything wrong in his life. He'd texted Seishiro before he left the house, but hadn't heard anything back. Right now, he didn't care. He was away from the situation, at least for a while, and he felt safe and expansive.

They had another drink, and Subaru became all the more physically affectionate for it. Kamui couldn't help but reciprocate, playfully taking his hand and leaning his head on his shoulder. Neither of them thought about repercussions as the sun sank low in the sky outside the windows. Finally, Kamui made to check the time on his phone, but he had to lean across Subaru to get it. His chest touched his thighs and their hands were still clasped. "Oh shit," he exclaimed, straightening up.

"What's up?" Subaru asked.

"We should get going!" He stood up and pulled Subaru to his feet, steadying him as he tipped forward slightly. "Careful!" Subaru blushed, squeezing Kamui's hand as they smiled at each other.

A few minutes later they were out the door, heading along 14th Street towards Union Square. They walked side by side, talking and laughing, occasionally brushing up against each other. Subaru smoked a cigarette, feeling happily doped up, watching Kamui's ever-changing facial expressions as he spoke. It was freezing outside, but warmth seemed to simmer between them, from the drink and emotions, spoken or not. "This is us," Kamui said, indicating a bar in the side of an ugly brick building. Subaru finished his cigarette and they entered. From the outside it looked like a total dive, but the inside was warm, clean and softly lit. It was already crowded with happy groups of friends, but not overwhelmingly so. Kamui led Subaru to the back, where they found Yuzuriha sitting at a corner booth, still in her work shirt and sipping a drink.

"Hey!" She exclaimed, brightly, standing up and grinning. Kamui made to hug her, but she turned away abruptly and embraced Subaru instead. "I'm still mad at you," she informed Kamui, who rolled his eyes.

"Fuck off that was mad long ago!"

"What happened?" Subaru asked, over Yuzuriha's shoulder, but she laughed and let go.

"Don't worry about it," she said, still grinning as they sat down. "Sorata and Arashi are on their way, the trains are fucked up as usual. Oh!" She added, looking at Subaru. "I was thinking about you today!" Subaru looked utterly confused.

"Me?" She giggled.

"Yes! We got new puppies today and they're _so_ cute, do you want to see pictures?" Subaru's eyes widened excitedly.

"Yes please!" Kamui touched Subaru's arm, wanting to get his attention before he was absorbed in cute animals.

"I'm gonna get a drink, do you want something?"

"What? Oh, um, sure!" Kamui smiled, determinedly not looking at Yuzuriha as Subaru told him what he wanted, before making his way over to the bar. He squeezed in between two people and looked around, trying to get someone's attention. He felt like he'd dodged a bullet; watching Subaru get so innocently excited was truly more than he could stand.

"What can I get you?" One of the bartenders asked, smiling at him. Kamui ordered drinks, trying to stay focused as he watched the bartender pouring liquor.

"There you are!" Sorata had appeared right beside Kamui, making him jump.

"Oh shit, you scared me!" He said, feeling disoriented as he hugged Sorata hello.

"My bad, dude!"

"It's cool!" Sorata shook his head as if trying to clear it.

"Sorry we're late, we got delayed by like, twenty minutes because someone pulled the fucking emergency break on the 4 train." He looked shell-shocked and disbelieving.

"Why the fuck…?"

"I have _no_ idea but we're all taking shots now." Kamui burst out laughing.

"If you say so!" The bartender placed Kamui and Subaru's drinks on the counter. Kamui paid her, left her a tip and carefully picked up the glasses, watching Sorata immediately order god knows what. Subaru and Yuzuriha were still in conversation when Kamui returned to the table. Arashi had joined them, looking equally as disgruntled as Sorata, but she smiled when she saw Kamui. "What's up?" He asked her, and she shook her head sadly.

"Trains!" Everyone laughed. Kamui handed Subaru his drink and squeezed into the booth next to him.

"Thank you," Subaru told him quietly. "I'll get the next round." They smiled at each other, the warmth between them simmering a little faster.

"So I was telling Subaru and Arashi, I totally _also_ found all the pictures from your twenty-first birthday!" Yuzuriha said to Kamui, grinning evilly. Kamui took a gulp of his drink before responding.

"Oh god are they awful?"

"No they're amazing! I'll wait for Sorata to-"

"Wait for me to what?" Sorata asked, appearing beside the table as if on cue. He was carrying a tray with shots for everyone and mixed drinks for himself and Arashi. He took the seat next to her and placed the tray in the middle of the table.

"Did you steal that tray?" Arashi asked at once. Sorata gave her an extremely offended look as everyone snickered into their drinks.

"No, the nice bartender let me borrow it to bring all this over here, jeez!" Arashi laughed, rolling her eyes and rubbing his back. Sorata looked around at his friends. "You see this? No trust, it's terrible." He sighed. "Anyway, for me to what?" He continued, addressing Yuzuriha.

"I found all the pictures we took at Kamui's twenty-first on my external hard drive!" Sorata's expression lit up in excitement.

"Okay, but first, shots!" Everyone took one, Subaru and Kamui exchanging another smile as they did so. "To not being on the _fucking_ train anymore!" They all laughed, then downed their shots.

"Good choice!" Kamui said, appreciatively, the liquor burning his throat and turning up the heat he and Subaru felt between them. Subaru leaned against Kamui, feeling numb to the pain of the week, thrilled to be out with friends and not thinking about Seishiro. "Okay let me see the pictures!" Subaru laughed, feeding off Kamui's passion and intensity.

"Here, they're all on my phone," Yuzuriha said, retrieving it. "Only scroll to the right," she said, dire warning in her voice.

"Yeah I don't want to see your ass again," Kamui told her. Subaru and Arashi exchanged a mortified look and Sorata just rolled his eyes, laughing. Yuzuriha looked totally unembarrassed as she placed her phone in the center of the table where they could all sort of see.

"I told you which way to scroll, it's not my fault you didn't know your right from your left," she told Kamui indifferently, and he shot her a nasty look. The first few photos could have been taken at any good house party: they showed people laughing, smiling, raising drinks, all in different rooms in Kamui's apartment, until-

"Who is that?" Subaru asked, tilting his head to get a better view. The picture showed Kamui and another young man with a cheerful smile, their arms linked as they took shots of something from plastic cups. Kamui sipped his drink, feeling both awkward and nostalgic.

"That's Keiichi, a guy I dated… Hooked up with, whatever, for a split second." The next photo showed Keiichi with his arm around Kamui, both of them pulling faces at the camera. Kamui felt hot in the face and he smiled at Subaru almost apologetically. Subaru nodded, also blushing, and moved even closer to Kamui. Their thighs touched under the table.

"What is going on in these?" Arashi demanded, giggling confusedly and pointing. The next few photos showed Sorata, a huge grin on his face, with Kamui slung over his shoulder.

"I have no fucking clue," Sorata replied, looking utterly perplexed and laughing.

"Really, what did you do?" Subaru asked Kamui, and everyone burst into appreciative laughter.

"I didn't do anything!" Kamui cried, outraged. "Probably!" He finished, sipping his drink.

"Honestly dude I was probably just trying to blow up your spot because Keiichi was there," Sorata said, matter-of-factly.

"I hate you so much," Kamui replied in the same tone. They stared at each other coldly for a second longer before raising their glasses to each other. Overhead, the lights dimmed suddenly and the music playing turned up louder.

"Here, this is the best picture," Yuzuriha announced, smiling smugly at Arashi, who choked on her drink, laughing and going furiously red. The picture showed her and Yuzuriha, kissing passionately in the middle of a crowd of people. Sorata stood beside them, solo cup in hand, his expression a mixture of horrified and turned on that made him look rather stupid. Kamui burst out laughing, pointing at the picture.

"LOOK AT YOUR _FACE_ , DUDE, HOLY SHIT!" Sorata threw his arms up as if to say, "It can't be helped!" "YOU CAN LITERALLY _SEE_ THE CONFLICT!" Kamui fell against Subaru, laughing uncontrollably. Subaru was laughing too, more at Kamui's reaction than the photo itself. His thinking brain deserted him as the heat between them fed on Kamui's intensity and power. Subaru put his arm around him before he realized what he was doing. He liked Kamui so much…

"Arashi, let's recreate this picture!" Yuzuriha called across the table.

"Oh for god's sake," Arashi replied, wearily. Sorata put his arm around her.

"I just want you to know, you have my full support in this." Arashi gave him a thoroughly mistrustful look, then turned back to Yuzuriha.

"I'll need several more of these," she said, very seriously, swirling her drink around. Yuzuriha toasted her and returned to the photos, finding another one she liked and telling a story about it. Kamui shifted under Subaru's arm and rested his head on his shoulder, consequences the last thing on his drunk mind.

The next hour or so passed in more photos, more drinks and louder and louder music. It seemed everyone had gotten way more intoxicated than they'd meant to. Sorata had his arm tight around Arashi and she rested her head on his shoulder as they moved slowly back and forth to the music before finally getting absorbed in kisses. Yuzuriha had stood up and was dancing next to their table. She turned down three or four guys before Kamui stood up resignedly and pulled her towards him. "You still mad?" He asked her, raising his eyebrows.

"No!" She giggled, grinding up against him. He reflected that if she weren't practically his sister, he'd be enjoying this immensely. The song changed to one they both knew and they cried out excitedly, getting more into it.

"Would you ride for me, would you die for me, would you jump off a cliff and hit the sky with me?!" They called out, singing along, before bursting into laughter.

"Subaru, get in on this!" Yuzuriha cried, still giggling.

"What?!" Subaru looked terrified. "Oh no I have no rhythm!" Ignoring this completely, Yuzuriha reached forward, took hold of his wrist and pulled him up. He stumbled a little, but managed to place his hands behind her on Kamui's shoulders. The three of them moved together for barely a second before Yuzuriha ducked out from between them. Already unsteady, Subaru fell forward, gripping Kamui's shoulders to stay upright. Kamui's eyes widened as fear managed to take hold in his drunk brain. He looked wildly around for Yuzuriha, but she had vanished into the crowed. Feeling pulled in two directions, Kamui looked up at Subaru, who smiled. Clearly they were beyond the point of giving a fuck.

' _It's just dancing,_ ' Kamui told himself. He spun around so his back was up against Subaru's chest, then reached for his hands and interlaced their fingers together. Subaru gasped softly right in Kamui's ear, gripping his hands almost painfully hard, his heart racing. Kamui felt the entire back of his body electrified at the contact, shivering at Subaru's breath on his neck.

Kamui took the lead, moving them together slowly, but purposefully. Subaru had no idea what he was doing, but didn't care. His brain had deserted him, but he felt more in his body than he had done in a _very_ long time.

Kamui arched his back suddenly, pressing his hips back and up against Subaru, who let out another surprised gasp. Kamui bit his lip, the sound making him flush excitedly. He moved his hips in slow, gentle circles in time with the music and felt Subaru give his hands another squeeze. Subaru's breath caught in his throat, choking back whatever noise he was about to make. His entire body was honed in on the friction and pressure between his legs; feeling, and watching, Kamui move was mesmerizing.

Kamui suddenly straightened up and pulled Subaru's arms tight around himself. Subaru started, gasping softly in Kamui's ear again, his nose full of the smell of his hair, his lips millimeters from the back of his neck, the same spot from his dream. Kamui closed his eyes, biting back the soft moan trying to escape his throat. He brought Subaru's hands to his hipbones and pressed them into his flushed skin. Subaru inhaled sharply. _How_ did this feel so good? Kamui's skin was hot and smooth under Subaru's fingers and palms as he snuck his hand around, pressing it up under his shirt. Kamui's muscles pulled in and up as he let out a sharp exhale.

Subaru felt suddenly dizzy, like all of the blood and sense had rushed out of his head into the longing, desperate erection he was still pressing up against Kamui. Oh _god_ he was so turned on, he wanted, he wanted-

Kamui felt stuck in an erotic limbo: it would be so easy for Subaru to reach his hand down, or spin him around so they were face to face, or-

Subaru rested his parted lips _ever_ so delicately against the back of Kamui's neck. It was like a butterfly kiss, but it shocked every nerve in Kamui's body. Although the touches they'd shared had been intimate and affectionate, this was something entirely new, and they both realized it at exactly the same time.

Then the song ended.

Subaru and Kamui stopped right where they were, still embracing, hearts hammering, breath shallow. Kamui turned his head very slowly, lips parted, looking up at Subaru with a painful intensity. They locked eyes, unable to say anything, the space between them begging, the heat they'd cultivated _scorching_. "I," Subaru began, biting his lower lip, making Kamui shiver in his arms. "I, I'm going to go smoke, I'll be back!" He withdrew his arms from around Kamui's waist and turned back to their table, determinedly not looking at Sorata, Arashi or Yuzuriha. He extracted his cigarettes from his coat pocket and hurried away, mind spinning and body on fire. He bumped into several people as he made his way to the door, but he didn't even notice.

Finally, he was back outside. The cold night air stung his face, but it was helping him to stay focused. He took a deep breath in and sighed it out, staring at the street ahead of him, though not actually seeing it at all. He was too drunk to make sense of much, but he did know a line had been crossed. He was still shivery from how turned on he'd been. Kamui, his good friend who had already reached deep into his heart, had now reached into his body. Subaru swallowed, removing a cigarette from his pack, trying to calm down. "You forgot this." Subaru jumped, then turned to find Kamui next to him, holding out his lighter. He seemed to be feeling all the same things: apprehensive, drunk as fuck, still turned on…

"Thank you," Subaru said, quietly, and Kamui lit his cigarette for him. He nodded, eyes shining in the darkness. They stared at each other, at a loss for what to say. Kamui just watched Subaru smoke, his mind, body and heart aching with longing.

"I, I don't really," he began, his mouth dry.

"I don't either," Subaru replied, staring imploringly back at him. Kamui knew he had to say something, but his honesty and power seemed to have deserted him. As with everything truly important, Kamui remained secretive, though Subaru could feel it in his own body as though they were in tune: Kamui was afraid, and he was hurting, though he couldn't, or wouldn't, say it out loud. Subaru threw the butt of his cigarette onto the ground and rubbed it into the concrete with his foot. He didn't feel any calmer.

"Did everything just get totally fucked up?" Kamui asked, his voice shaking. Subaru's eyes widened and his heart throbbed painfully for Kamui. This amazing, exciting, gorgeous person who had helped him so much, for whom he cared so much, who he _liked_ so much.

"Of course not!" He said at once, pressing his hand to his chest. "You mean so much to me, I-" he stopped abruptly, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Everything is fine, please don't worry!" He took Kamui's hand, presumably to reassure him. However, all it did was further their understanding that something had shifted. They looked down at their clasped hands, then back up, longing for each other and absolutely terrified.

"I fucking swore I wouldn't, I, I can't-"

"You can't what?" Kamui closed his eyes, squeezing Subaru's hand, emotions crashing inside him.

"Please don't make me say it," he said, weakly, and Subaru flushed deeply. "I won't fuck up what we have!" Kamui cried, earnestly, his face burning, throat painfully tight. Subaru's hand shook and he bit his lip. "I think you're an amazing fucking person, I didn't want to tell you how I-" he paused, self-disgust in his voice. "I just want you around, I don't want things to be weird between us now!" Subaru pulled Kamui into a hug, holding him as tight as he could, heart threatening to burst with emotion. Kamui clung to the back of Subaru's shirt, screwing up his eyes.

They stayed that way for a while, feeling and breathing. The world outside stopped existing: all that was real was their intense, loving embrace. Kamui buried his face in Subaru's neck, his breath slowing, though his heart continued to race and his skin was flushed with emotion. Subaru gently rubbed his face in Kamui's hair, inhaling deeply, a desperate pain inside him even as it all felt so good. "I, I feel the same," he breathed, shuddering, and Kamui let out a soft cry and held him all the more tightly. They both knew this was all happening because they were drunk and had taken it too far, but they also knew they'd been dancing closer and closer to the edge. Truly, this would have come out sooner or later. At last, Kamui looked up, meeting Subaru's gaze.

"I'm so sorry," he said, softly. "I didn't mean for this to happen, I wasn't trying to get in the way of you and your boyfriend, like, even if-" but all of the color drained from Subaru's face and his stomach clenched in fear. He'd _completely_ forgotten about Seishiro.

"He's going to kill me," Subaru whispered, looking petrified. He let go of Kamui at once. "Oh my god, I, I have to go, I'm sorry!"

"Subaru, wait!" But he had already rushed back inside. "Fuck!" Kamui sprinted after him, but while they'd been outside a huge group of people had monopolized the front of the bar. By the time Kamui had squeezed through the crowd to get back to his table, Subaru had his coat on and was telling Yuzuriha, Arashi and Sorata hurried goodbyes. "Subaru!" Kamui called over the noise. Subaru turned, and his expression was more devastated and terrified than ever. Kamui grabbed his arm. "Stop! Talk to me!"

"I'll text you tomorrow," he said, his pain palpable.

"Promise me!" Subaru closed his eyes and took a shaky breath in.

"I promise I will!" Kamui let go, hating himself, and nodded, his throat burning. Subaru wiped his eyes rather impatiently before stepping around Kamui and disappearing into the loud, drunk masses. A moment's silence passed.

"Kamui?" He turned. His friends were all staring back at him, looking frightened. Kamui sat down at their table and Yuzuriha put her arm around him. "What happened?" She asked, squeezing his shoulders. Kamui looked up at her, Arashi and Sorata, and they moved in closer as if they might fill the painful wound suppurating inside his chest. Kamui took a deep, shuddering breath, and burst into tears.

* * *

Subaru was running to the train faster than he'd ever run in his life, as if he could outrun everything that had just happened. He couldn't think, he could barely breathe, but if he got back to Seishiro everything would be okay, it would all be like before, the way it was supposed to be, before he and Kamui had…

He entered the train station at Union Square and sprinted to the NQR platform. He stopped there, gasping, praying the train would be there soon. He had a stitch in his chest that felt like a stab wound, or maybe that was just the pain in his heart.

At once, all the emotions he'd been running from, that he'd ever felt for Kamui, seemed to crash in on him like a tidal wave. Subaru had always cared for Kamui deeply, worried about him and admired him: his honesty, bravery, compassion and power. He was also well aware of what Kamui had done for him: he'd reached out and supported him, been so kind and understanding, and expected nothing in return. Even tonight, he said he didn't care what happened between them as long as they were still in each other's lives. Subaru pressed his hands to his mouth, fighting tears. He had thought for so long that they just had a deep, intense friendship, but the emotional intimacy they had shared, that he'd treasured, had… but no! He was with Seishiro, he was in love with Seishiro, he'd sacrificed everything for Seishiro. That was more important!

' _More important than what, getting your needs met?_ ' His mind asked him, coldly, before blanking. He knew he'd been unhappy, that Kamui had given him what he'd wished for that he couldn't speak about out loud. But then, did that mean that he only liked Kamui this way because of what he represented? An escape from his own, sad circumstances? Shame flooded his body and he felt completely disgusting. Hokuto had said the same thing before he'd come to New York, that Subaru only liked Seishiro for that reason. Was this just a tragic pattern? The R train finally arrived, ripping Subaru out of his self-hating mental spiral.

He boarded the train and sat down in a corner, staring unseeingly at the ugly floor of the train car and putting at least one thing together. He wouldn't use Kamui that way. Kamui was too good, too special, to be thrown away on some kind of pathetic emotional affair. He needed Kamui, and he liked Kamui, but he had to try with Seishiro.

A half hour later, Subaru burst out of the train station at Rector Street and hurried back up to their apartment. His hands were shaking so badly he had terrible trouble unlocking the door, but at last he managed it, feeling utterly terrified. He looked around as he entered, his heart hammering in his throat and his palms sweating. Only the bedroom light was on. He shut the door carefully, kicked off his shoes and hurried down the pitch-dark hallway. He stopped in the bedroom doorway, his coat still on. Seishiro lay in bed, propped up against his pillows, reading and smoking. He looked up, eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "There you are." Subaru's stomach clenched painfully, and Seishiro looked away. "Did you have a good night?" Subaru bit his lip. Silence. "How was your night?" Seishiro asked again, turning a page of his book.

"F-fine," Subaru replied, his voice shaking. He took off his coat and hung it on the back of the door, watching Seishiro finish his cigarette.

"I'm glad." Feeling terrified and guilty, Subaru crawled into bed. Every creak of the bedsprings and every crinkle of a turned page echoed ominously.

"Seishiro?"

"What?" Subaru shut his eyes at his cold tone, but then cautiously reached out and touched his arm.

"Seishiro, I-" He finally turned to look Subaru in the face, and he felt a spasm of fear. He stayed where he was, though, he had to try; he was determined. "Can, can we…?" Seishiro's eyes glittered and he snapped his book closed. He straightened up and slammed Subaru down onto the bed, climbing on top of him and pinning him there. Subaru cried out, fear flooding his mind. Seishiro's lip curled.

"Is this what you want?" He breathed, putting his face very close to Subaru's.

"Y-yes!" Subaru managed, though his mind was screaming no. Seishiro stared back at Subaru, eyes narrowed, full of cold disgust.

" _No_ ," Seishiro spat, the contempt in his voice like a slap in the face. He rolled off of Subaru and returned to his book like nothing had happened. Subaru lay there as if paralyzed, fear gripping him. "You're drunk, go eat something," Seishiro continued, the contempt all the more palpable. Shaking, Subaru peeled himself off the bed, his insides clenching and churning sickeningly. He walked to the door and, in spite of himself, turned to look at Seishiro one last time.

Even through the alcohol and the fear, Subaru knew a moment of clarity. This wasn't working. It wasn't going to work. There was nothing he could do.

Subaru closed the bedroom door and walked into the living room. He lay down on the couch, feeling as though everything he'd done in his life up to then was pointless, had been for nothing. He curled up into a ball and began to cry, keeping his voice down so Seishiro wouldn't hear.

* * *

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Sorata asked seriously. Kamui was seated on his couch, holding a glass of water in both hands. Yuzuriha and Arashi sat on either side of him, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. "We can all stay over, it'd be better if you weren't alone." Kamui wanted to tell them no, that he'd be okay, but he knew he'd start crying again if he tried to speak, so he shook his head and took another sip of water.

"We'll leave you be, then," Arashi told him, kindly, kissing him on the cheek. She looked to Sorata, who nodded gravely.

"Call us if you need us, all right?" He added, his eyes blazing. Again, Kamui could only nod.

"Let's go," Arashi said to Yuzuriha, but she shook her head, her arm still around Kamui's shoulders.

"You guys go." Sorata and Arashi looked at each other uncertainly.

"It's cool," Kamui managed to say, thickly. Sorata nodded and clapped Kamui hard on the shoulder. He and Arashi gathered their things and left, the door slamming shut behind them. Kamui sighed heavily, and Yuzuriha withdrew her arm from around him.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"What for?" He asked, genuinely confused. She clasped her hands in her lap and looked at him desperately.

"This is all my fault. I wasn't trying to start anything, I swear I was just messing around!" Kamui smiled for the first time in hours.

"That's crazy," he said. "It had nothing to do with that! We," he paused, swallowing more tears. "We've liked each other for a while, like I said." Yuzuriha heaved a deep sigh, still looking terribly guilty. "I'm not mad at you," he told her, firmly, and at last her face relaxed into a smile, though she looked like she may cry herself.

"I'm staying here with you," she said, just as firmly. "I can't leave you by yourself." Kamui nodded, feeling relieved in spite of himself.

"Thanks."

* * *

Hours later, Subaru awoke, stiff and uncomfortable and freezing where he'd fallen asleep on the couch. He sat up, his mouth dry and head throbbing. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to warm up and not think about everything that had happened tonight. He slowly got to his feet, approached the bedroom door and opened it as quietly as possible. He tiptoed to the bathroom to get something for his head, and started when he caught sight of his reflection. He looked nothing like himself: exhausted, eyes red and puffy, face blotchy and parched. He brought his hand up to his cheek and gently rubbed his thumb under his eye, the way Hokuto would rub his tears away when they were small. More tears filled his eyes as he opened the medicine cabinet to find ibuprofen, which he swallowed with a handful of tap water.

He reentered the bedroom and padded up to Seishiro's bedside, more tears sliding down his face. Seishiro was fast asleep, glasses folded on his bedside table. He breathed slowly and deeply through parted lips, lips that had once made Subaru's knees weak and now spewed contempt and judgment and criticism. Subaru started to cry in earnest. What had happened to them?

He remembered, very suddenly, the night they met, and his body shook with the force of his crying. Hokuto had dragged him out to a production of Madame Butterfly, because she'd gotten a new very nice dress and needed an excuse to wear it. "It's totally culturally insensitive, but the music is beautiful," she'd said, adjusting her hair in the mirror. They'd gone to the New National Theater and found seats in the dress circle. Subaru had never been to an opera before and had looked around with bright, excited interest, a little overwhelmed by the grandeur of it all. He accidentally caught the eye of the man sitting next to him, who smiled warmly.

"First time here?" He asked, kindly, and Subaru had blushed.

"Um, yes," he replied, awkwardly.

"I just saw this production in New York, I thought it'd be interesting to compare." Subaru nodded eagerly, taking in the man's handsome features, sharp eyes behind his glasses. "I'm Seishiro Sakurazuka."

"Subaru Sumeragi, very nice to meet you!" They shook hands, and Subaru's blush deepened.

"And I'm Subaru's sister, Hokuto," she interjected, reaching across Subaru to shake Seishiro's hand as well. The lights flashed overhead and everyone went quiet, all eyes on the stage. Subaru had been blown away. The beauty of the music, the power of the performers, it was amazing. The first act ended and Subaru wiped his eyes discreetly, lamenting his own tone-deafness. "That American soldier's a punk," Hokuto said, emphatically, looking down her nose at the stage.

"Really?" Subaru asked, smiling at her affectionately.

"Obviously! He wasn't in love with her, he was just using her."

"Do you think so? That seems unfair," Seishiro said, mildly.

"Unfair or not, it's true," Hokuto sniffed. Subaru and Seishiro laughed.

"Can I buy you a drink before the second act starts?" Seishiro asked Subaru, making his heart skip. He looked uncertainly at Hokuto, who raised her eyebrows, but nodded slyly. They'd had drinks and exchanged words and stories before returning to their seats for the second act. Subaru felt like he was being swept away, from the art and this new, exciting person for whom he was already developing feelings. After the second act, Subaru, Seishiro and Hokuto had left the theater together. She'd given them space to say goodbye, but Subaru knew she was watching.

"Can I see you again?" Seishiro asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Yes!" Subaru said at once, going furiously red, and Seishiro had smiled. They'd seen each other the very next night. Seishiro took Subaru to dinner, then back to his hotel room. Subaru had been nervous, unsure what to expect, but they'd only exchanged more soft words and a goodbye kiss that set his body on fire.

"I leave for New York the day after tomorrow," Seishiro had breathed against Subaru's lips. "Come see me one more time."

"Yes!" The following night hadn't been Subaru's first time, but it had been the first time he felt he'd been made love to. Everything was so good, and it had been so overwhelming and romantic, it all felt like a dream.

Subaru had his fingers pressed to his mouth; it hurt so much to think about all this now. He knew he shouldn't, but he reached out and gently tucked Seishiro's hair behind his ear. He stirred sleepily and Subaru withdrew his hand at once, eyes widening fearfully. Seishiro blinked up at him, looking almost innocent. "Subaru?" He asked, softly. Subaru said nothing, waiting. "Get in bed." It was a command, but it didn't sound nearly as threatening when it was softened by sleep. Subaru climbed into bed, fully dressed and crying silently. Seishiro rolled over and curled his arm around Subaru. For the first time ever, he felt absolutely nothing. No flutter of his heart, no excited stirring anywhere else, just sad, loveless emptiness.

Subaru cried as freely as he dared, for he knew this would be their last night together. He mourned the man he'd fallen in love with and everything they'd had together. Like Butterfly, he'd been seduced by someone who had ulterior motives, but unlike her, Subaru wouldn't let this be the end. Even through all his shame, fear and self-disgust, he knew he'd make this work. He had to: he owed it to himself, Hokuto, Kamui and all the people who loved him.

* * *

"if you love me, answer me softly," is a line from Madame Butterfly.

 **I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	10. Sea

**Happy Thursday!**

How is everybody, good? I hope so, because this chapter is... intense. Seriously, as I cried for most of the time I was writing it, and editing it was a constant game of "which line will make the author burst into tears?" I'm sure you guys are all way stronger than me, though, so you'll be okay!

Um, anything else? Oh, I guess this is relevant: the song I was listening to while writing this was The Southern Sea by Garth Stevenson, which is an incredibly beautiful piece of music and it's soft and soothing. Give it a listen, especially after this.

Okay! Chapter 10!

* * *

Kamui woke up the next morning feeling like he'd been beaten up, as if all the pain from the night before was in his muscles and bones rather than his heart. He rolled onto his back and looked over at Yuzuriha, sleeping soundly beside him. He smiled, grateful she'd stayed with him. He rubbed his eyes and got out of bed, then walked into his kitchen to check his phone. Sorata had left it plugged in there after taking it away from him at the bar, insisting it would make things less painful. Kamui picked it up with a shaking hand, but there were no new texts or missed calls. He'd expected this, but it hurt more than he could have imagined. Almost spitefully, he texted Subaru " **Hey** " before pressing his phone to his chest. Sighing heavily, he looked out of his tiny kitchen window. The city was covered in warm, soft sunlight, and Kamui wondered if the cold snap had finally lifted.

"Kamui?!" Yuzuriha's terrified voice rang out through the apartment.

"I'm in the kitchen!" He called to her. She came sprinting into the room, clutching her chest.

"You almost gave me a heart attack!" She said, furiously, taking deep breaths.

"Sorry!" He exclaimed, and he meant it. He placed his phone guiltily on the counter behind him, and Yuzuriha eyed it knowingly.

"Hear anything yet?" She asked, her voice softening kindly. Kamui shook his head, trying not to look too upset. She groaned sympathetically and squeezed his arm. "It's still super early, don't worry." Kamui nodded. "Speaking of, I need coffee. Do you want to get breakfast or something?" Kamui appreciated her attempt to distract him.

"Sure."

* * *

Subaru awoke in his dark bedroom, feeling drained and numb. He rolled over, though he already knew Seishiro wasn't there. He sat up, hugged his knees into his chest and rested his forehead on them. He wondered where Seishiro was, what he was thinking, but then just as quickly realized it didn't matter. He had to leave.

Molten fear surged through Subaru like an eruption. He closed his eyes and breathed, trying to calm down. He'd taken action in coming here and he had accepted the consequences; he would do the same in leaving, even though he hated himself for it. He'd given up his life, his job and his family, so sure it had been worth it, and now he'd be crawling back, begging for forgiveness.

Or was he? He didn't _have_ to go back to Tokyo, at least not right away, before he was ready… but where would he go instead? What would he do? All of the unknowns in his future seemed to fall in upon him at once, and, unable to stand it, he sprang out of bed. He needed to wash and dress, at least to make himself feel slightly better. He paused on the way to the bathroom, staring at his coat where he'd left it on the back of the bedroom door. He reached into one of the pockets and pulled out his phone. Nothing from Seishiro, but- Subaru closed his eyes, willing himself not to start crying.

He replied to Kamui's text, " **Hey… how are you?** "

* * *

Kamui and Yuzuriha got bagels and coffee from a shop on Avenue A, then sat down on a scratched and graffitied bench in Tompkins Square Park to eat them. Kamui had watched this park evolve from essentially an open-air homeless shelter to a place where he and Kotori had played as children. However, it hadn't quite finished the transition: crust punks argued loudly in a far lawn as young couples pushed $1200 strollers towards the playground.

And there Kamui was, where his whole life had happened, sitting with his dear friend by day and selling drugs by night, admitting feelings for the guy he liked and fucking everything up. Enter, Kamui Shirou! Playing himself and hating it.

He drank more of his coffee and listened to Yuzuriha talk. She was trying to sound cheerful, and Kamui found her steady stream of words soothing, though he wondered if she still felt guilty. After a few minutes, he heard his phone ring, but the number wasn't one he recognized. "Hello?" He said, uncertainly, and Yuzuriha turned sharply to watch.

"Kamui? It's Fuuma." Kamui's breath caught in his chest.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I need to see you." Kamui closed his eyes, swallowing. He'd been intending on skipping his time with Fuuma today; he could go without selling for a week, but…

"I can be at your place in an hour."

"Good." The call ended.

"Who are you going to see?" Yuzuriha asked, sounding slightly concerned. Kamui sighed heavily, debating how to answer.

"The guy I liked before." Yuzuriha rubbed his back, groaning sympathetically. Another few minutes passed in silence.

"You have a message," Yuzuriha said, very quietly. Kamui looked down at his phone and almost cried out in disbelieving relief at Subaru's name. Yuzuriha smiled encouragingly and Kamui replied to the message at once.

" **I'm just happy to hear from you! I guess we should talk?** " The response came almost instantly.

" **I need to figure some stuff out first, but I'll be in touch later. Please take care of yourself** "

" **You too!** " Kamui held his phone in both hands and closed his eyes, his breath shaky.

"What's going on?" Yuzuriha asked, softly eager. Kamui swallowed.

"I'm not sure, he says he'll text me later, but at least we're on speaking terms."

"That's something!" Kamui nodded, returning her smile. It was all he could do. He was feeling too much at once to peel apart separate emotions.

They finished their breakfast and Kamui walked Yuzuriha back to her dorm under Union Square. "Be careful, okay?" She said, hugging him tightly.

"I will, don't worry about me." She laughed sadly and withdrew, smiling at him.

"Text me later? Please?"

"I will." She gave him one last hug and hurried into her dorm, waving at him over her shoulder. Kamui put on his headphones and proceeded west, wondering what catastrophic thing had happened to make Fuuma actually call him. He supposed he should be worried; Fuuma only reached out to him for serious shit, but he didn't have the energy. It felt like all his pain and sadness had wrapped around him, shielding him from thinking of anything else as well as from the warm sun overhead. He noticed a text from Sorata as he changed the song he was listening to.

" **Hey man how's things?** "

" **Things are okay, not sure what's up yet but I'll keep you posted** " He appreciated Sorata's concern more than he could say.

" **Missy says she loves you** " Kamui's eyes burned. How did he still have more tears to cry?

" **I love you guys too. Talk to you soon** " He gripped his phone tightly, acutely aware of how lucky he was to have such compassionate, supportive friends. Friends who were always there for him, friends he'd been lying to and keeping at a distance for years. His throat constricted painfully and he walked faster, turning up his music. In spite of himself, he thought of Subaru, for whom kindness and empathy came so naturally, but was totally not used to having it reciprocated. Kamui knew he shouldn't send him another text, knew he had to wait, but he was so afraid of losing him he couldn't stand it.

He arrived outside Fuuma's building and pressed his buzzer. Immediately he was let upstairs, and he noticed vaguely that he didn't feel at all excited or even curious. His worry and sadness had also frozen his insides, trapping all other emotions under a thick sheet of ice. Kamui took the elevator up to Fuuma's apartment, hurriedly stowing his headphones in his bag. Fuuma stood behind his counter with no shirt on, leaning over his laptop. He looked up, and Kamui knew immediately something was very wrong. "Come in," Fuuma said, imperiously. Kamui obeyed, dropping his bag and going to stand beside him. Fuuma closed his laptop and turned to Kamui. "Things are _not_ good right now." Kamui's eyes widened, but he said nothing. There was no pull, no sexy smile, no power. Fuuma's composure was absolute as always, but it was cold, lifeless.

"What happened?" Kamui asked, very quietly. Fuuma stared down at him, and Kamui held his gaze.

"You know Kanoe?"

"Yes," Kamui replied, though he only knew the name.

"She's been arrested." Kamui's eyes widened further as he tried to remember everything he'd heard about this person.

"She… She thought there was an informant working for her or something, right?" He asked, slowly. Fuuma smiled.

"Sharp as ever." Kamui smiled back with tight lips. The complement tapped hopefully on the thick ice surrounding his heart, but couldn't penetrate it. Fuuma's words doing nothing was bizarre, and he wondered if he could sense it. "Turns out she was right. It was one of her bouncers who busted her."

"Oh fuck…" Kamui's heart began to race. He'd always known this could happen, that he could have his life totally destroyed at any moment, but he wasn't as afraid as he might have been, wrapped up in his worries about Subaru. In any case, he'd always been able to compartmentalize.

"Really," Fuuma replied, folding his arms in front of his chest.

"What are we going to do?" Kamui asked, trying to keep his tone businesslike. Fuuma sighed.

"What I do isn't your problem. What _you_ should do," he said, very seriously, "is wait." Kamui said nothing. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you were never high up enough on my chain to be of any use to the law."

"That's fine with me," Kamui replied, before he could stop himself. Fuuma smiled and gently cupped the side of his face.

"I wanted to make you my protégé, but I knew you were only half in it." Fuuma's touch only registered dimly to Kamui, and he smiled sadly.

"I was in it for you, I didn't give a shit about the money," he said, truthfully. They looked at each other, and memories of the night they met seemed to rise between them.

Kamui had been working his old restaurant gig, and Fuuma had come in with a young man dressed in white, with light hair and sad eyes. They were Kamui's last table, but the young man had left early after receiving a phone call. Kamui had felt Fuuma's eyes on him all night, his enigmatic presence, his _pull_ , though he had no idea what to do about it. His emotions and mind had been insane in the last two months. He'd gone to get their check and found he'd been tipped with three $100 bills. "I can't accept this, it's way too much!" Kamui hissed under his breath.

"That's not my problem," Fuuma replied. Kamui flushed. "What time are you done here?"

"Um, I get off in an hour…"

"Come out with me, I don't mind waiting."

"I did try to protect you," Fuuma said, his hand still cupping Kamui's face. Kamui snorted softly. He'd always felt Fuuma had saved him from himself, from the downward spiral he'd been on since his mother had died. Even if it was just seduction through power and promises, it had given him direction.

When Kamui had left work, exhausted and feet aching, he found Fuuma outside waiting for him, smoking. "Get in," he said, indicating the car next to him. Kamui stared at him incredulously.

"You think I'm fucking stupid?" He asked, sharply. Fuuma laughed and put out his cigarette.

"Of course not, we're just going across the street." He nodded at a small venue, illuminated by soft, blue lights.

"Don't test me," Kamui told him, coldly. He wasn't scared of anyone, who did this guy think he was? Fuuma bowed his head.

"I'm sorry, that was disrespectful."

"Yeah the fuck it was." Again, Kamui could feel his pull, but stood his ground.

"Come have one drink, after that I'll leave you alone, I swear." Kamui knew if he said yes there was no way in hell it would just be one drink. However, he also knew the last thing he wanted to do was go back to his apartment so full of his mother but where she was so conspicuously absent. He craved oblivion, and if this hot guy was buying it for him…

"Fine." Fuuma smiled. They'd gone across the street and immediately been let in. It was a small, dark place, and Fuuma led Kamui to a table in the way back, secluded from the rest of the main floor. Everything was lit with soft, blue and white lights, and music echoed from speakers on every wall. They sat down, and immediately a group of men in suits and attractive women in tight dresses swarmed the table. Fuuma talked to them all, enigmatic smile firm upon his face, and Kamui felt distinctly out of place, wishing all these people would go the fuck away. A young woman approached their table, holding a tray of champagne and flutes. She opened the bottle and poured the glasses before leaving everything and disappearing. Kamui seized one and drank deeply from it, trying not to think.

At last, Fuuma managed to shake everyone off and picked up a glass of champagne. "So, Kamui," he said, and Kamui shivered slightly. "What do you do?"

"You saw," Kamui replied, irritably, drinking deeply from his glass. Fuuma laughed.

"I mean besides that. Are you in school?" Kamui snorted.

"Why are you asking me all this?" He didn't care about being rude. He didn't care about anything. What was the point? Everything could be taken away from you after one conversation with your mother, or one phone call from a hospital in a foreign country. People you loved could vanish off the face of the Earth like there were no consequences, like your pain was for nothing. Fuuma just watched him, waiting. Kamui drained his glass and Fuuma refilled it. "I was in school, but I had to drop out."

"Why's that?" Kamui held his glass tightly as he kept drinking.

"My mother died, and-" his voice broke and Fuuma made a sympathetic noise in his throat.

"I'm so sorry…" Kamui shook his head, trying to collect himself.

"Thanks."

"So you had to leave school to work?" Kamui nodded, his mind beginning to cloud and his body starting to relax. "What did you study?"

"It doesn't matter, I always hated school." Fuuma laughed.

"I'm the same way. I got a degree in business, never used it for anything legit." Kamui looked up at him, at last feeling curious.

"What do you do?" Fuuma's lip curled.

"I sell drugs."

"So, we're not going to see each other for a while, are we?" Kamui asked, slowly. Finally, Fuuma took his hand away.

"I'll contact you when I think we're okay." Kamui felt the beginnings of something in his chest under the frozen sadness. The impending loss burned his throat and spread downwards. "Relax, I haven't been arrested yet," Fuuma said, smiling his charismatic smile.

"Yeah, well, you're freaking me out," Kamui told him, crossly. Fuuma leaned forward and kissed him. Kamui expected to feel that familiar longing for him, but all he felt was fear of the unknown, his future once again completely uncertain. Again, his mind went to Subaru, the person he really wanted to kiss, and Fuuma withdrew, a knowing look on his face.

"So no break up sex?" He asked, a teasing note in his voice. No threat, no displeasure, but Kamui couldn't look him in the face as he replied,

"No." Fuuma sighed heavily and reached for his cigarettes.

"Do you want the rest of my weed? I don't care what you do with it as long as it's out of my house." Kamui rolled his eyes. Back to business as always.

"Sure." Fuuma loaded Kamui up and said goodbye to him at the elevator. Kamui felt the closure, even as Fuuma assured him he'd contact him the second everything had calmed down.

"You put in good work for me," Fuuma said.

"Thank you." They stared at each other, quiet, waiting. Kamui extended his hand, and Fuuma shook it, smirking.

"Take care of yourself, Kamui."

"You too." The elevator arrived and Kamui stepped into it, just as he'd done countless times before. The doors closed, and Kamui watched Fuuma vanish behind them, his composure absolute. The loss began to tug at Kamui's heart, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as watching Subaru run away through the bar the night before. It was a soft, nostalgic pain.

Kamui put on his music, remembering the rest of his and Fuuma's first night together as he stepped out into the warm sunlight. Fuuma had kissed him softly at their table, and they'd held hands on the walk back to his apartment. The second they were in Fuuma's kitchen, he'd shoved Kamui up against the wall, kissing him with a ferocity, a _need_. Kamui had given in immediately and gladly, and it had been the best sex of his life. They'd gone for _hours_ , and Fuuma could satisfy him as he'd never been before, it was… there were no words. When they were both finally completely spent, they'd sat together in Fuuma's living room in front of the huge windows, watching the sunrise. Kamui was wearing one of Fuuma's t-shirts and had bite marks and scratches all over his neck, shoulders and chest.

"So… do you want to start work?" Kamui looked into Fuuma's eyes, eyes that had bored into his as he'd fucked him into oblivion, made him scream and beg for more.

"Yes…" Kamui said, unable to stop himself. Fuuma smiled and kissed him.

"You can keep that shirt, if you want."

Kamui blinked furiously. He swallowed and pressed his hand to his face, finding it streaked with tears. When had he started crying? And why? This didn't hurt, it had to happen, it was for the best! And yet… Kamui rubbed his eyes with his fists, crying softly the entire walk home.

* * *

Subaru spent the next few hours on the couch, waiting for Seishiro to come back so they could talk. He had thought of maybe packing, or doing something proactive about… about leaving, but even thinking about it made him feel sick. He stared up at the ceiling with his headphones on, feeling stuck even though he'd made his choice. He wanted to text Kamui, at least to feel less alone, but resisted: he'd be the first person he contacted after speaking to Seishiro, regardless of how the conversation went. Subaru's heart was pumping and his palms were sweaty, but he was keeping his mind calm, waiting and listening.

At last, he heard the door open and sat up. His hands shook as he took off his headphones and placed them next to him on the couch. Seishiro came slowly down the hall, eyeing Subaru but not speaking. Subaru swallowed, gathering his courage. "Seishiro? Can we talk?" He asked, very quietly. Seishiro tilted his head to the side, his expression dispassionate, and Subaru felt the familiar ripple of fear in his chest.

"We can." He sat down next to Subaru. No fear, no apprehension, just cold judgment. "What?" Subaru closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry, and began.

"I, I don't think this is going to work."

"What isn't going to work?" Subaru took a deep breath in.

"Us, being together."

"Oh? Why not?" Seishiro's expression darkened and his lip was already curling, but Subaru wouldn't let himself be intimidated. He was angry with Seishiro, he was dissatisfied, and he would express it.

"Because I'm not happy," he said, bluntly. Seishiro raised his eyebrows, but didn't respond. "All we do is argue, and I feel like I can't do anything right." Seishiro made an incredulous noise, and Subaru actually raised his voice, the words pouring out of his mouth in a vicious cascade. "I've been trying _so_ hard to make this work, but I get nothing in return! You're angry with me all the time, for things I don't even remember doing, but you never say you are!" He took several deep breaths before continuing. "I feel so used. Like I could be anyone, and you wouldn't care." His throat constricted painfully around the words. Seishiro's eyes narrowed behind his glasses.

"How long have you felt this way?" There was no concern, no sadness. It was just a request for information. Subaru sighed hopelessly.

"Too long, and nothing's changed."

"You never told me any of this," Seishiro said dismissively, and anger flashed in Subaru's chest again.

"All those fights we had and I didn't tell you?! I told you, you just didn't listen!" Seishiro moved a fraction of an inch closer to Subaru, and he felt a spasm of fear, heart pounding and eyes wide.

"No, _you_ didn't listen," Seishiro told him, his voice lowering dangerously. "I told you from the start how this would be, it's not my fault you had different expectations and were disappointed." Subaru glared back at Seishiro, fury and indignation overriding his fear.

"No! This is exactly what I mean! Everything is always my fault! You just string me along and expect me to follow you and do what you want, then you get angry at me for asking for more! If you loved me you'd fight for me, but you couldn't care less! I'm _done_! I never should have come here with you!" His voice broke, but he wouldn't cry, even as saying all of this was like taking a knife to his very soul. Seishiro made a small, contemptuous noise and stood up. Subaru watched him, body suddenly alive with fear.

"Fine, leave if you want to leave," Seishiro said, softly. His tone was casual, but Subaru felt his blood turn to ice as they locked eyes with each other. "I never asked you to come here," he continued. He reached for Subaru's headphones and picked them up. Subaru made a small, fearful noise of protest in his throat. "You chose to follow me." The snapping noise cracked through the air like a breaking bone, and Seishiro dropped the pieces of the headphones, still connected by a sad, tiny wire, back onto the couch. Subaru kept his eyes on Seishiro. His expression was one of utter, cold contempt. "Get out. Come back for the rest of your things when I'm not here." He turned and walked towards the bedroom, pausing to rip one of Subaru's wards off the door, then slammed it shut.

A full minute passed in ringing silence.

Subaru's lip trembled as he picked up the pieces of his headphones and held them to his chest. Tears came before he could stop them, but he knew what he had to do. He gathered his bag full of his onmyo supplies and added his laptop, keys and wallet. He put his headphones in as well, very carefully, as though tucking them in. Still crying openly, he picked up his phone and called Kamui, praying he would answer.

"Hello?" Subaru made sure one last time he had everything, then hurried down the hall.

"Kamui? Um, I know this is out of nowhere, but," his voice shook and he took a deep breath in, trying to control his crying.

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Do you need help?!" Subaru felt the last question right in his chest and couldn't stifle his small sob. "Subaru! Where are you? I'll come get you!" Subaru stepped into his shoes, gasping.

"No! No it's fine! Can I just come over?"

"Yes! Are you sure you don't need me to come get you?"

"Yes! I'll be there soon!" Subaru ended the call and wrenched the door open. Without looking back, he ran towards the elevators, out of the building, away from Seishiro.

* * *

Kamui clutched his phone, Subaru's call still sending waves of panic crashing through him. What had happened? Had his boyfriend done something to him? Had he been hurt? The unknowable questions churned Kamui's brain and he kept taking deep breaths, trying to remain calm. He paced back and forth across his apartment, unable to sit still, listening with all his might for the sound of his buzzer. Every creak of the floor under his feet, every cry from the street below, every rustle of the wind in the trees was magnified in his agitation and fear. Back and forth Kamui paced, his knuckles white around his cellphone. The seconds dragged by, tightening his heartstrings. Then, _finally_ , he heard his buzzer. He let Subaru upstairs at once, then stood on his threshold holding the door open.

Subaru appeared at the top of the stairs, and he looked terrible. His eyes were swollen and his face was red, tear stained and anguished. "Oh my god, what-" but Subaru fell forward into Kamui's arms, grabbing him and holding him so tightly it felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "Subaru!" Kamui gasped, terrified at what he was about to find out. "Inside, come on," he said, weakly but coaxingly, pulling Subaru over the threshold. Subaru took a deep, shuddering breath and let go of Kamui.

"Sorry," he choked, rubbing his eyes. Kamui shut the door, took Subaru's hand and guided him to the living room.

"It's okay!" Subaru sank onto the couch and Kamui sprinted into his bedroom to retrieve the box of tissues from his bedside table. "What happened?!" He demanded, sitting down beside Subaru, feeling as though his heart might burst with fear. Subaru wiped his eyes with one of the tissues and took several deep breaths, gasping and shivering. Kamui rubbed his back, trying his hardest to be patient.

"We split up," Subaru said, finally, in a hurt and brittle voice.

"Oh, fuck…" Kamui breathed softly, feeling Subaru's pain in his chest. Subaru nodded, looking down, tears falling into his lap. "I'm so sorry," Kamui said, wrapping his arms tight around him. Subaru held onto Kamui like his life depended on it. His very breath seemed to hurt; each inhale ripped the wound in his heart open as his exhales fought to sew it shut. "I'm _so_ sorry," Kamui said again, his voice constricted. Subaru sighed heavily, drawing comfort from Kamui's embrace, from being in his warm, safe apartment.

"It's, it's what I wanted, so," he began, but dissolved into more tears.

"Oh god," Kamui whispered, hating this. Subaru was in terrible pain and all he could do was be a witness. "What happened?" He asked, pulling away. Subaru closed his eyes for a second before straightening up and reaching for his bag. He carefully took out his broken headphones and placed them on the coffee table. "What…?"

"He told me he never wanted me to come here, that I just followed him!" Kamui's eyes widened. He felt both disgusted by the words and fearful of Subaru's raised voice.

"When you ended it?" Subaru covered his face with his hands and told Kamui everything. "He never cared, he just kept me around to screw with my head, and I fell for it, like-" his voice broke and he fell forward onto his knees, crying without restraint.

Kamui rubbed his back, hating to see this, hating to think how much pain and suffering this person had caused Subaru, the most loving and compassionate person he'd ever met. He _hated_ his ex. Hated him as he'd hated those people who'd crashed into Saya and Kotori, or the person who had detonated the bomb in his mother's hotel. Kamui closed his eyes, feeling like he might burst into tears himself. Finally, all he could think of to say was, "We could probably fix your headphones with superglue." It was the only thing he could even begin to think of a solution to.

Subaru looked up at him, tears pouring down his face. It didn't seem like much, but at that moment it was everything, and he couldn't even begin to express it. He started to cry again in earnest, and Kamui could tell there was no getting another sensible word out of him. He stood up, shaking Subaru's shoulder very gently. "Come lie down," he said, and Subaru nodded. Kamui took his hand, pulled him to his feet and led him to his bedroom.

Subaru crawled into bed and pulled all the covers tight around him. Immediately, he felt calmer, warm in Kamui's bed, surrounded by soft pillows and blankets. "Better?" Kamui asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He tenderly brushed Subaru's hair off his face, and he closed his eyes at his touch.

"I'm sorry about all this," he said, his voice muffled by the pillows. Kamui tried to smile reassuringly.

"Don't worry about it," he said, taking Subaru's hand again. "Try and rest, okay?" Subaru squeezed Kamui's hand and closed his eyes, exhaling sharply. Kamui let out a deep, slow sigh, sifting through all the memories and new information. He felt horrified, repulsed, at what Subaru had told him, and was deeply thankful that he'd gotten out before anything worse could have happened.

However, now they were both in terrible places. Kamui had, essentially, lost his job, and if someone turned him in he'd be totally screwed. He couldn't think of anyone who would, but it was a terrifying possibility. And Fuuma… what would happen to Fuuma? Subaru's grip on his hand slackened; he must have fallen asleep, but Kamui held on tightly, staring down at him. His soft, beautiful face, swollen and blotchy from his tears.

It absolutely _destroyed_ Kamui to think of anyone causing Subaru pain, of making him cry. Kamui couldn't imagine ever wanting to treat Subaru badly, or being able to stand to see him go. ' _I'd fight for you always,_ ' he thought, furiously. ' _If we were together, I-_ ' His heart and brain seemed to short-circuit. They could actually be together now, couldn't they? He had a sudden vision of Subaru coming home to him after completing some onmyoji work, of the two of them wandering around the city on warm summer nights, spending time with all of his friends, of- he blushed furiously, of all of those things he'd been fantasizing about that set his body on fire.

Kamui shivered and shook his head. How the fuck was he thinking about stuff like that now? He closed his eyes, still holding tight to Subaru's hand. Even as the wonderful vision of a happy, bright future together played in his mind, the reality of their situation swallowed it whole. They were more or less in the same position, even if Subaru's boyfriend was out of the picture. Subaru definitely shouldn't get into anything with someone else right now, and Kamui didn't want to be a rebound or a replacement. ' _This fucking sucks,_ ' he thought, bitterly.

Besides, he also had no idea if Subaru would even stay in New York now he and his boyfriend had split up. Kamui closed his eyes, riding the wave of panic that had risen shockingly in his chest. ' _Please don't leave,_ ' he pleaded, mentally. He opened his eyes, unable to bear the thought of Subaru just vanishing. Of course, it was incredibly selfish to want him to stay: his whole life was in Tokyo, and he'd given it up for the person he loved. Kamui couldn't ask him to stay just for him. He wasn't worth it.

Sadness welled up inside Kamui and tears finally came. He cried for everything: for Subaru's pain, for his own fear of losing him, for his total lack of any idea of what to do and, even as he tried to suppress it, for losing Fuuma. He held Subaru's hand in both his own and hunched over, crying so hard his shoulders shook. They stayed that way for hours. The sun sank lower and lower outside the windows, filling the room with orange light and long shadows. Eventually, Kamui managed to control himself, and he just watched Subaru sleep until, at last, he began to stir. He gripped Kamui's hand, then opened his eyes slowly.

It took him a second to remember why he was in Kamui's bed, what all had happened to make him feel so sad and exhausted. "You're awake," Kamui said, smiling.

"You were holding my hand the whole time I was asleep?" Subaru asked, his voice heavy with tiredness and emotion. Kamui nodded, flushing. Subaru gave his hand one last squeeze before finally letting go. He pushed himself up into a sitting position, feeling weak and achy, like he was recovering from an illness. It was a relief to know he could talk without crying, though. He hugged his knees into his chest and rested his chin upon them.

"How are you feeling?" Kamui asked, watching him with concerned eyes.

"Better, but…"

"Not good?" Subaru nodded.

"I'm sorry to put all this on you, I-"

"Stop," Kamui said, very firmly. "I got you, whatever you need I'm here." Subaru sighed heavily, but nodded, and Kamui smiled encouragingly. "You can stay with me as long as you want."

"Really?"

"Mmhmm." Subaru managed a weak smile.

"Thank you." A pause. "I have no idea what's going to happen to me," he said, gazing away hopelessly.

"We'll figure it out as it comes," Kamui said, trying to be proactive. "Honestly right now I just want you to feel better." Subaru looked away. It seemed impossible that he'd ever feel better again, but he'd try his best for Kamui.

"Okay." Kamui smiled, and Subaru tried to be proactive too. "I need to get the rest of my stuff from," he paused. "From my ex's apartment." ' _My ex, wow…_ '

"When should we do that?"

"What? No, I'll go by myself, it's-" but Kamui cut him off.

"Get the fuck out of here you'll go there by yourself," he said, sounding almost angry. Subaru's eyes widened.

"But-"

"I'm not letting you do that, too the fuck bad." Kamui's expression was fierce and his tone was impossible to contradict.

"O-okay," Subaru replied, shakily, and Kamui's expression softened.

"You reached out to me, so you're stuck with me, sorry," He said, and Subaru managed another weak smile. "We'll go get your stuff together, and we can ask Sorata or someone to come with us." Subaru's eyes widened.

"No, that's-" He felt ashamed enough as it was, the thought of other people knowing made his skin crawl. Kamui moved closer to him and rubbed his back, and he closed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed.

"All I'll tell them is that you guys broke up." Subaru's lip trembled. "We want to help, let us help you." Subaru pressed his lips tightly together and nodded. He didn't have the energy to fight, and he knew on some level that Kamui was right. Kamui leaned forward and embraced him. "Everything will be okay," he said, quietly, with as much conviction as he could muster. Subaru buried his face in his neck, breathing deeply.

"You've been so good to me," he whispered.

"It's easy, trust me." Subaru didn't believe him, but appreciated it anyway. Kamui withdrew. "Do you want to shower? That always helps me feel better." Subaru nodded. "Go ahead, I'll bring you clean clothes." Again, Subaru nodded. They both stood up, and Subaru headed down the hall into the bathroom. As he shut the door, he caught his own eye in the mirror above the sink. He looked pale, but better than he had that morning. He turned on the shower, grateful to know at least some of what was to come. He'd stay with Kamui for the time being, and they'd go get the rest of his things in a day or two. They could go during a weekday, when no one would be home. He was afraid of seeing Seishiro, and though he'd been resistant at first, he knew it would all be easier if Kamui were there.

Subaru never thought he'd feel so safe and reassured by someone else, especially when he'd spent the last four months asking for reassurance and never getting it. Even when he and Seishiro were happy together, everything always felt tenuous, like the happiness was never a guarantee.

He watched himself get undressed in the mirror and folded his clothes neatly on the edge of the sink before stepping into the bath. He turned on the water and immediately felt it start to burn through his numbness. He reached for the soap and began to scrub himself clean. It did make him feel slightly better; washing the day away, even if it was just psychological. There was a knock on the door. "I've got clean clothes and a towel for you, can I come in?" Subaru blushed. He made sure the shower curtain was completely covering him before responding.

"Come in!" Kamui swallowed and opened the door. He kept his eyes averted, feeling discomposed and embarrassed all of a sudden.

"I'll leave everything here, so, take as long as you need." Subaru bit his lip, facing the wall as he rinsed off. He felt intensely aware of Kamui, as he had done the night they'd slept next to each other, or when they'd danced together a million years ago…

"Thank you," he said, rather awkwardly. Kamui wanted to run, but for some reason felt totally unable to do so. He hung the towel on the back of the door and laid the clothes on the edge of the sink. His heart beat faster as his hand brushed against the clothes Subaru had so recently taken off.

"Um, I was going to order dinner, are you hungry?" Subaru reached for shampoo and inhaled the smell that had been all over his pillows, then in his mind for days afterwards.

"Y-yeah," he replied. "I don't mind, order whatever you like."

"Okay!" At last Kamui retreated. He closed the door behind him and rested his back against it. ' _Fuck,_ ' he thought, wearily, before returning to his living room. He ordered pizza, the first thing he could think of, then sank onto his couch, trying to collect himself. ' _I should let everyone know what's up,_ ' he thought, after a few seconds. He texted Arashi and Yuzuriha " **Subaru and his boyfriend broke up, he's staying with me for now. He's okay, I'll keep you posted** " then called Sorata.

"Hey! What's up?" Kamui smiled in spite of the situation.

"Um, things are sort of fucked up right now."

"Why, what happened?"

"Subaru and his boyfriend broke up." Sorata sighed heavily.

"Oh shit, is he okay?"

"I have no idea," Kamui replied, his voice lowering sadly. "I think he'll be all right but he's pretty devastated. He's staying with me until he figures shit out."

"Yeah for sure." Sorata paused. "How are you?"

"Don't worry about me, at least not right now," Kamui said, forestalling Sorata's protests. "Um, I do need your help, though."

"I'm there, what do you need?" Gratitude rose up, warm and soft, inside Kamui.

"We need to go get the rest of his stuff out of his ex's apartment, could you come with us? I don't know how it's going to be, and-"

"Of course! When?" Kamui felt another rush of gratitude.

"I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know."

"Word we can go whenever. I can take the day off work, it's no problem."

"Thanks, Sorata, seriously, I," the bathroom door opened and Subaru entered the room, his skin flushed. "Listen I gotta go, I really appreciate your help."

"No doubt, call me if you need anything. Tell Subaru I hope he feels better!"

"I will, have a good rest of your night." Kamui ended the call as Subaru sat down next to him. He was wearing Fuuma's old shirt, and it was sort of trippy to see. They said nothing for a while, intensely aware of each other, wondering what the other was thinking.

"Who were you talking to?" Subaru asked, finally.

"Sorata," he replied, eyes still on his phone. "He says he's ready when you are to go get the rest of your stuff."

"We can go tomorrow, I just want to get it over with."

"I'll tell him." Subaru nodded, and silence fell between them again. He watched Kamui send the message, return his phone to the coffee table and curl his legs up under him. "Can I ask you something?" Kamui asked, looking up at Subaru, his voice quiet and expression full of nervous meaning.

"Certainly." Kamui swallowed, hating himself for wanting to know already, but with so many unknowns ahead of him, he needed at least something tangeable. "I know this is fucked up and insensitive, but…"

"What is it?" Subaru's eyes widened in concern and his heart sped up sharply.

"Are you… Are you going to go back to Tokyo, now that-" he didn't finish the sentence and blushed deeply.

"I don't know," Subaru replied softly, his heart aching. "Honestly, I, I don't really miss Tokyo, at least not like I thought I would. Does that make sense?" Kamui nodded vigorously, listening with rapt attention. "You and your friends have been so good to me, and I," his throat constricted and he looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know how happy my sister would be to have me back," he finished, returning his gaze to Kamui.

"Well, for what it's worth, I'd love you to stay," he said, feeling cautiously relieved.

"Really?"

"Yeah! I mean," Kamui struggled with the words, not wanting to say anything before he was ready. "You know I'd be devastated if you left." Saying it out loud seemed to make it more real for both of them. Subaru took Kamui's hand and he shivered, feeling the touch all the way up his arm. All of a sudden, last night seemed to permeate the room: all the questions they would have asked each other, all the things they would have finally talked about had everything not gone crazy…

"Kamui, I-" The buzzer sounded, slicing through the tension between them. Kamui sighed irritably and got up to answer the door, agitated and awkward. Subaru wrapped his arms around himself, feeling rather shivery as well. Kamui returned to the living room after a minute or so and placed the pizza box on the coffee table. Subaru wasn't really hungry, but knew he should eat something. Kamui picked up a slice, folded it in half and devoured it.

"What time do you want to go tomorrow?" He asked, after a few minutes. Subaru paused, pizza halfway to his mouth, and swallowed.

"In the morning, I suppose, while," he paused again, remembering Seishiro's words. ' _Get out. Come back for the rest of your things when I'm not here._ ' Subaru closed his eyes, hating himself for remembering. "When no one will be home," he finished. Kamui nodded, acutely aware of Subaru's pain. He texted Sorata, telling him where to meet and when.

Neither of them spoke for a long time. Kamui put on soft, soothing music to fill the space. Subaru's fears about the following day seemed to have dulled his senses, but at the same time, he was painfully aware of each passing second, like he was watching himself from behind a pane of glass. He would have been fine to sit there, doing and feeling nothing, while Kamui moved around him, forever. "Subaru?" Came Kamui's voice, bringing him back to Earth. "Do you want to call it a night?" Subaru nodded. "You can sleep in my bed," Kamui continued, trying not to blush.

"Okay," Subaru replied, very softly. Kamui shut off the overhead light and they went into the bedroom. He seized some clothes from his chest of drawers and scurried to the bathroom to change. Subaru lay down and curled up under the covers. It seemed impossible that twenty-four hours ago, he was enjoying drinks with friends, looking at old photos and laughing, ignoring his feelings for Kamui and pretending he and Seishiro were okay.

Kamui appeared in the doorway and tossed his day clothes into the laundry hamper next to the door. He climbed into bed beside Subaru. For a bizarre second, Subaru's mind showed Kamui crawling up next to him, wrapping his arms around him… but no, he shouldn't think things like that. Not yet anyway. "Does the music bother you?" Kamui asked, softly. Subaru hadn't even realized it was still on.

"No," he replied, very quietly.

"Everything will be okay," Kamui said, just as quietly, trying to sound reassuring for the both of them. In spite of himself, Subaru moved closer to Kamui. Their backs were touching, and it was so warm, so soft… Subaru fell asleep almost at once; the small loving touches and sounds seemed to patch over the gaping void in his chest.

However, Kamui lay awake for a while. Now Subaru was safely asleep, it seemed he was free to think about Fuuma. Kamui had always known on some level that this would happen, that it never could have lasted. However, it still didn't seem real, and he knew it wouldn't until Fuuma was actually arrested. _If_ he was arrested. Truthfully, Kamui didn't want to think about that possibility. He was scared of being without Fuuma, of what his life would be without him. Kamui had suspected, almost hoped at times, that he would die in that life, so he could escape the pain he'd been running from forever. Now, though, his means of escape were cut off. A shiver ran through Kamui's body and he shut his eyes tight, the uncertainty of it all absolutely terrifying. However, as he felt Subaru's gentle breathing against his back, he knew he would have to stop running, regardless of whatever else happened.

At the very least, he had to be there for Subaru. Be strong for Subaru.

* * *

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	11. Right

**Happy Thursday!**

How are you all doing? Recovered from last week? I hope so, because truthfully I don't know if I am.

So chapter 11! Um, what do I need to say about it... Nothing, really. I mean, nothing before you've read it, anyway. It's dense and it's intense but I don't think it'll make you hate me the way the last two did. You'll hate me in a different way, I expect.

Anyway, I'll shut up and let the chapter speak for itself, shall I?

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

"Are you okay?" Subaru gripped Kamui's hand and nodded. Fear was twisting his stomach into sick knots, so he kept his mouth shut. Kamui gave his hand a squeeze, preparing himself. They didn't expect Subaru's ex to be at the apartment. However, Kamui was sure there was no way they could just get in and get out, as much as he wanted to. "Everything will be fine," he said, and again Subaru nodded.

The train moved further and further downtown, and Kamui tried to stay strong and focused. He could practically feel Subaru's heart beating through his sweaty, shaky hand. They sat together, sharing a pulse, while the rest of the world continued around them. NYU students, tourists, people coming into the city from Queens. Subaru would usually have felt so aware of everyone, but his own pain made him numbly impervious. The only person he was aware of was Kamui, his anchor in the real world, preventing him from slipping away into the open chasm in his chest. "Next stop," came Kamui's voice, and yet again Subaru nodded.

The train pulled into Rector Street and they got off, still holding hands. The neighborhood looked surreal to Subaru as they walked to his old building, covered in plastic and scaffolding. He felt like a ghost, haunting the life he'd once cherished. His eyes burned and he swallowed, blinking furiously and gripping Kamui's hand all the more tightly. They spotted Sorata in front of the building waiting for them, and they hurried over. At once he pulled Subaru into an embrace, clapping him hard on the back, and tears came before he could stop them. "S-sorry!" He gasped, mortified. Sorata withdrew, looking at him with a fierce determination.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get this taken care of." Subaru nodded, wiping his eyes impatiently. Sorata turned to Kamui and hugged him too. "You okay?"

"I will be once we get this done." They broke apart and looked to Subaru. "Ready?" Subaru tried to gather his courage and nodded.

They entered the lobby, all cold marble and chrome, and headed towards the elevators. It was hard to believe Subaru had, until so very recently, called this place home, had lived here for months, and was now back to clean up the mess after everything had fallen apart. It was like a nightmare, or a drug trip, or some other inescapable and terrifying warped reality. He pressed the button for the 15th floor, feeling a slight head rush as they ascended. Sorata and Kamui followed him down the hallway, their footsteps absorbed by the quiet stillness. At last they reached the apartment. Subaru's hand shook as he pushed the key into the lock and opened the door.

Silence. Darkness. Tension.

"All clear?" Kamui asked, eyes darting around.

"I'm not sure…" Subaru said, slowly, stepping inside, his heart beating.

"Where should we start?" Sorata asked, placing his hand on Subaru's shoulder.

"The bedroom, all I still have here is clothes." They toed off their shoes and proceeded cautiously down the hallway. Subaru had a sudden flashback to running away from this very spot the day before, but he stayed focused, trying his best to remain calm.

The bedroom door opened, making all three of them jump. Seishiro stood framed in the doorway, eyes glittering behind his glasses. "Subaru," he said, his lip curling. Subaru felt his blood run cold, but he wouldn't look away. At once Kamui and Sorata moved to stand on either side of him. "You brought friends?" Seishiro asked, eyes moving from Subaru, to Sorata, then fixing on Kamui, who held his gaze, glaring back with as much contempt as he could muster, even as his heart pulsed at the threat.

"I, I didn't think you'd be home," Subaru said, doing his utmost not to sound afraid.

"Oh?" Seishiro's eyes were still locked on Kamui's.

"I just want to get the rest of my things," Subaru said. A moment's silence passed.

"Fine," Seishiro said. His tone was casual, but somehow even more threatening. Subaru shuddered, but refused to back down. He walked towards the bedroom and Seishiro stepped aside, looking almost impressed. Subaru dug his suitcase out of the closet and opened it on the bed, setting to work at once. He had to hurry and get them out of here as quickly as possible.

In the living room, Seishiro and Kamui had resumed their stand off. Kamui wanted to say something to punish him for making Subaru hurt this much, but resisted, knowing it would do more harm than good. Sorata stood beside him, grounding and reassuring, though ready in an instant to step in. "I saw you at that party," Seishiro said, finally, his eyes narrowing.

"No shit," Kamui answered back, clenching his fists, blood pounding in his ears. In the bedroom, Subaru's mouth went dry and he worked even faster, listening with all his might. Seishiro let out a soft, contemptuous noise.

"Is this what you wanted? To come into Subaru's life and disrupt everything?" An unpleasant heat crept up Kamui's neck, but he didn't break eye contact.

"No," he replied, coldly. "You treating him badly had fuck all to do with me."

"Kamui," Sorata said, warningly, but Seishiro smiled.

"Is that what you think?" Subaru scrambled to pack faster, praying Kamui wouldn't give in. "Does this make you happy? Do you feel heroic?"

"Don't," Sorata told Kamui out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes narrowed in dislike as he watched the exchange. Kamui heeded him and didn't reply, even as angry color rose in his face. Seishiro titled his head to the side, his smile impassive.

"And what will you do after this? Play house until Subaru comes back to me?" Subaru paused in his packing and closed his eyes, the words like icy daggers in his chest. "Subaru and I were fine until he met you." Even though Kamui _knew_ this wasn't true, doubt crept into his heart and mind like an infestation.

"I-" he began, without meaning to, and Seishiro's eyes glittered, his handsome features sinister in his games.

"Please, there's no need for this," Sorata said, stepping forward and placing a hand between them. "Kamui, go help Subaru." But just then Subaru zipped up his suitcase and dragged it to the doorway.

"It's fine, I'm packed!" He cried, his heart throbbing. He locked eyes with Kamui. "Let's go!" Kamui nodded, his expression fierce as they turned to leave.

"You aren't even going to say goodbye?" Seishiro asked, raising an eyebrow. Subaru closed his eyes for a second, then looked at Sorata and Kamui.

"Can you guys give me a second?" He no longer felt any fear or intimidation, just a deep, exhausted sadness.

"Are you sure?" Sorata asked, very seriously, before Kamui could say anything. Subaru nodded.

"We'll be outside," Sorata replied, taking the handle of Subaru's suitcase. "Come on, Kamui." Kamui looked more than ready to protest, but the words died in his throat as he met Subaru's gaze. He nodded grudgingly and followed Sorata back down the hallway. The door closed and the sound echoed in the vacuous, painful silence. Subaru turned back to Seishiro and reached into his pocket for his keys. He removed the two needed to get into this apartment and held them out.

"Here," he said, simply, but Seishiro didn't take them.

"After you begged and begged me for them?" Subaru flushed in anger.

"I won't need them anymore."

"Ahh." Silence. Seishiro still didn't take the keys, so Subaru placed them on the back of the couch.

"You weren't supposed to be here," he told him, quietly furious. Seishiro tilted his head to the side, impassive smile firmly in place.

"I knew you'd be back," he replied, as though it were obvious. "I know you well." Subaru glared at him, anger building.

"You only know the me you can control," he said. Seishiro's smile broadened.

"Control is a strong word," he replied, and the amusement in his voice was sickening.

"You know who you want me to be," Subaru began, his voice rising alarmingly. "You know the me who is scared of losing you and will do what you say, but I'm done! This has nothing to do with Kamui or anyone else! This was never going to work and I should have known better! I'm _done_. You wanted goodbye? Goodbye." Seishiro just stared.

"All right, Subaru," he said, finally. Subaru gave him a disgusted look and turned to go, but Seishiro caught him by the wrist. Subaru felt a wave of revulsion and fear.

"Let go of me!"

"I'll always love you, you know," Seishiro told him, softly. Subaru shuddered as he felt the words trying to stick to him, grab ahold of him and keep him there, but he wrenched his arm out of Seishiro's grip.

"I loved the man I meet in Tokyo, but he's been gone a long time." He gave Seishiro one last, furious look, then ran back down the hall and left the apartment for the last time. Sorata and Kamui were right outside the door waiting for him, looking terrified. "Let's go," Subaru said, his eyes hard and blazing. He began to cry openly as they strode back to the elevators, but he didn't care. The person he had fallen in love with was dead and gone, or had perhaps never even existed, and no amount of sticking by this new person would change that. He would move on. He was already moving on.

* * *

"Thank you for your help today," Subaru told Sorata, breaking the silence they'd held all the way back to Kamui's apartment.

"It's no problem. You take care of yourself, okay?" Subaru nodded, and Sorata hugged him before turning to Kamui. "You too."

"I know." They exchanged a hug as well.

"Are you guys sure you're okay? You don't need anything else?"

"We're cool, don't worry," Kamui said, quietly, doing his best to sound reassuring. Sorata still looked unconvinced, but sighed and turned to go.

"Call me if you need me," he said, his hand on the door. "Missy and I will probably stop by on the weekend." Subaru and Kamui nodded, and Sorata was gone. A few seconds passed and Subaru sighed heavily before heading into the bedroom. He collapsed onto the bed and curled up in a ball. Kamui followed him, feeling deeply uneasy.

He tried to calm himself, to think, but all he could hear was, ' _Is this what you wanted? To come into Subaru's life and disrupt everything?_ ' He knew it was supposed to be inflammatory and hurtful, but he couldn't help but feel afraid. Afraid that all of this was just feelings gone crazy, that they'd taken it too far, made a huge mistake…

"Kamui?" He started. "What's wrong?" Subaru's eyes shown in the early afternoon sunlight. "What's wrong?" He repeated.

"I, I don't know," Kamui replied, truthfully, his voice small. They continued to stare at each other, eyes full of concern.

"Come lie down," Subaru said, patting the space beside him. Kamui wanted desperately to go to him, to curl up in his arms as he'd been longing to do for weeks, but…

' _Does this make you happy? Do you feel heroic?_ ' Kamui clenched his fists and his heart throbbed with fear and self-doubt. Subaru swallowed.

"Kamui…" Kamui shuddered at the hurt and worry in Subaru's voice.

"Sorry," he said, softly. He climbed into bed next to Subaru and they lay on their sides, facing each other. "Did I totally fuck this up?" He asked, still softly, after a few seconds. Subaru brushed his hair off his face and he inhaled deeply at the touch.

"Of course not! Whatever, whatever he said was just to be cruel, you know that." Subaru closed his eyes, feeling the memories in his chest, forcing the gaping chasm inside him wider and wider, but he wouldn't cry. He was done crying.

"I know that, but," Kamui's voice shook as he tried to hold back his tears. "I like you so much and it's like, everything is completely _fucked_." He swallowed and exhaled sharply, looking desperately at Subaru.

"It can't be helped," He replied, very quietly, cupping the side of Kamui's face.

"I'm sorry, I keep saying everything will be okay, and-"

"Then it will be," Subaru interrupted. Kamui looked at him in surprise. Subaru flushed slightly at his own tone, but his eyes were blazing again. "I've made my choice and I'll take the consequences." He swallowed and his hand trembled against Kamui's face, but he was determined. All Kamui could do was nod. The space between them ached and Subaru inched closer. Kamui swallowed, unable to look anywhere but at Subaru, his beautiful eyes, pale skin, soft part in his lips. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, his body and heart begging for it. Subaru bit his lip, unable to think, just feel, want…

"Subaru, I-" but Subaru pulled Kamui forward and kissed him full on the lips. Kamui inhaled sharply through his nose, smoke and soap and skin, and his entire body, mind and heart were ablaze with desire. He'd wanted this for so long, he'd _needed_ this for so long. Subaru felt all the tension inside him drain out into Kamui's mouth as he moaned, his mind a blur of emotion and excitement. He was slipping away, faster and faster, towards oblivion, and not thinking, just feeling, was exactly what he wanted.

Kamui climbed on top of Subaru and thrust his hips against him, kissing him with unnerving passion. Subaru gripped the sides of Kamui's face and shoved his tongue into his mouth. His body was electrified with arousal; _all_ he wanted was more. He wrapped his leg around Kamui's waist, urging him closer, creating more friction.

Kamui moaned into Subaru's mouth, desperate for his touch, but even as the pressure between his legs was enough to drive him crazy, he knew this wasn't right. He wrenched himself out of their kiss, but Subaru groaned and pulled him back in. "Wait, wait stop!" Kamui gasped, between kisses. At last he managed to pull away and looked down at Subaru, flushed and shivering.

"What's wrong?" Subaru gasped. Kamui caught his breath and rolled off of him with a sad moan, his body and heart furious even though his mind knew he had to. He reached out and gently cupped the side of Subaru's face, hating himself for his stunned, hurt expression.

"We, we can't," Kamui said, feeling like this was costing him everything he had.

"But, but I-" Subaru's mind spun in confusion and fear.

"Not like this," Kamui amended, his heart aching. He took Subaru's hand and kissed each knuckle, and Subaru let out a soft, needy cry that Kamui felt in his entire body. "Believe me, I, I want to," he said, trying to keep his wits about him as their desire for each other burned ever brighter. "I just, I like you _so_ much," he continued, going furiously red and holding tight to Subaru's hand, making him blush too. "Like, I can't just hit it and quit it with you," he continued, gazing at him imploringly.

"What do you mean?" Subaru breathed. Kamui inhaled slowly, gathering himself.

"I can't just mess around with you and then go back to being friends or whatever. I don't want to just be a rebound." It was rather a scary thing to say, but Kamui knew he had to say it. He was done being used and not asking for more. He wanted Subaru, but only as an equal, a partner, a boyfriend. Subaru brushed Kamui's hair off his face, and knew this was yet another thing he would have kept a secret had they not skipped so many steps.

"I understand," he said, very softly, and he meant it. "I, I feel the same way." He blushed furiously. He knew Kamui was right, that they shouldn't let a split second's impulsive decision make everything weird. It would be hard, continuing not to act on their feelings, but ultimately it would be better. "Let's wait." Kamui smiled before straightening up and kissing Subaru tenderly on the forehead. "You'd never be just a replacement," Subaru continued, feeling hurt even by the suggestion. He sat up as well, looking Kamui hard in the face. "You've, you've always given me what I didn't even _realize_ I needed. I could never think of you that way." The words caressed Kamui's heart and he rested his forehead against Subaru's.

"You mean that?"

"I mean it." All of the doubt and uncertainty that had filled Kamui since that morning was gone. He felt really grounded and present for the first time in days, and it was an enormous relief.

"Likewise," he replied, rubbing his cheek gently against Subaru's. Subaru inhaled deeply, feeling so connected. Kamui's words, touches and kisses seemed to soothe the pain in his chest, but slowly, from the inside out. Their relationship had always been that way, with compassion and intimacy and emotions taking root, then blossoming into the physical. In spite of himself, Subaru thought of Seishiro, taking him from the outside in while remaining forever impenetrable. What he had with Kamui was better, or at least, what he actually wanted. "I'm so glad I met you," Kamui said, softly. They stayed that way for a while, feeling connected, sharing energy. "You should unpack."

"Okay."

"Can I ask you something?" Kamui asked, after a while, watching Subaru put his clothes into his chest of drawers.

"Of course."

"Did you mean what you said, last night?" Subaru turned, hating to see Kamui looking so anxious.

"About staying here?" Kamui nodded.

"I'm going to talk to my sister, and see what she thinks," he began, even as the thought of it made him feel faint. "But," he locked eyes with Kamui, "I'd like to stay, if that's okay." All of the tension in Kamui's expression drained away and he smiled. "Not just for you, I mean," Subaru blushed, though the idea of leaving Kamui was almost too painful to think about. "I want to see what I can do for myself here too." Kamui's smile widened and his heart swelled. "I've spent too much time getting direction from other people, I think." Kamui's throat constricted and he nodded vigorously, the words hitting a raw nerve inside him. He thought of telling Subaru about losing his job, about how he too would need to start over, but resisted. He'd wait until he knew what would happen to Fuuma. Instead, he swallowed, and asked,

"Are you nervous about talking to your sister?" Subaru nodded gravely.

"She was so angry with me," he said, sounding almost awed.

"I'm guessing she's not as mad as you think she is," Kamui said, quietly.

"I hope so," Subaru sighed. "I'll call her tomorrow." Kamui reached out and took his hand reassuringly.

"Good."

* * *

Is anyone else smiling? Because I know I am!

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	12. Closer

**Happy Thursday!**

I hope you all had good weeks! Mine was super busy, of course, right when I have to edit and post this monster of a chapter. Seriously, it's such a relief to finally get this thing up, it's been driving me insane since last Thursday. Truthfully I'm still not completely confident about it, but I hope you all like it anyway. Resolution, yay!

Anything else? I don't think so...?

 **Sweet, enjoy!**

* * *

"So, where exactly are you going?" Subaru asked, looking up from the e-mail he was typing to a client.

"All over, I'm just making drop offs," Kamui replied. He still hadn't told Subaru about Fuuma. There hadn't really been time, and, in any case, it was easier to continue on as normal than to worry and agonize. He smiled reassuringly and Subaru nodded, pretty sure he understood. "Are you going to call Hokuto?"

"The second you leave." They stared at each other a few seconds longer, suddenly warm in the face. At last, Kamui stepped forward and hugged Subaru goodbye.

"Good luck, I'll see you later," he said, right in his ear.

"Be careful," Subaru whispered.

"I'm always careful." They broke apart, still blushing, and Subaru watched Kamui put on his hoodie and headphones, then wave over his shoulder as he left. Subaru finished his e-mail and closed his laptop. It was evening, and though he felt badly calling Hokuto when it would be so early her time, it was the best way to ensure she'd be home. He reached for his phone, feeling _beyond_ nervous, and searched for her contact. He remembered, suddenly, that the last time they'd spoken had been when he'd arrived at JFK in January. He'd sent her a text to let her know he'd made it safely, but she hadn't responded. Fear, guilt and shame choked Subaru's insides and he nearly lost his nerve, but he had to talk to her, at least to let her say she was right. He Facetimed her, his mouth very dry, and the phone rang, and rang and rang…

"Subaru?!" The screen focused, and Subaru looked back at his sister.

"Hi," he said, cautiously. Hokuto's eyes filled with tears, but she smiled, pressing her hand to her mouth.

"How are you?" She asked, her voice thick with emotion. She blinked, and tears slid down her cheeks. Subaru swallowed and his heart pounded in his chest. He tried to speak, but couldn't. Hokuto's smile widened encouragingly as more tears sparkled in her eyes. "I'm so happy to see you!" She said, her fingers still over her mouth, and Subaru cried out softly, tears coming before he could stop them. "Subaru!" He fought to collect himself, gasping and shaking. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Subaru's chest heaved as he seized a fistful of tissues from the box on the coffee table, desperate to control his crying.

"I'm, I'm just so relived to hear you say that!" He cried out, when he'd found his voice. "I thought you'd always hate me for leaving!"

"Oh Subaru I could never hate you!" Hokuto replied, wiping her own tears away impatiently. "I just assumed you wouldn't want to hear from me!" She rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. "We totally screwed this up!" She exclaimed, laughing through her tears.

"Utterly and completely," Subaru agreed. They stared at each other, laughing and crying, wishing more than anything they could reach each other through the phone screen.

"I've missed you so much," Hokuto told him, her face shining through her tears.

"I've missed you too! I'm so _so_ sorry!"

"I'm sorry too!" More silence, only watery smiles and sniffling laughter.

"How is everything back home? Is Grandmother okay?" Hokuto grinned, wiping her eyes again.

"She's tough, you know that. Everything here is fine, same as when you left, but you have to tell _me_! How's New York? How's your boyfriend?" Subaru swallowed, and Hokuto's face fell. "Oh no…" Subaru took a deep breath in.

"We broke up." He thought it would feel like an admission of guilt, like he was raising the white flag, but it was… It was fine. It was totally fine! Hokuto's eyes widened and she pressed her hand to her chest, looking terribly sad for him.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry…" No judgment, no assertion she'd been right the whole time, just sympathy, love and acceptance. Subaru wanted to tell her what that meant to him, but he had no idea how, so instead he said,

"It's okay, we, we had to."

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Hokuto asked, tentatively. Subaru paused. He knew it would be hard, but… He took a deep breath in, then nodded. "I'm listening!"

Subaru told her everything. About how it had all started off wonderfully, but then Seishiro had turned cold, distant and critical. How they argued constantly and it was always Subaru's fault, making him feel crazy, not good enough and afraid. He told her about meeting Kamui at the party, how he had been so kind to him, taken him in and given him escape and clarity. How after that, Subaru had started to question his and Seishiro's relationship, and how Seishiro had become all the more cruel and scary in response.

As Subaru spoke, he saw and felt all of the memories in his mind, heart and body, and though they made him feel sick with shame, he didn't want to stop speaking. After putting up an increasingly obvious front for weeks and weeks, telling the truth was both freeing and empowering. At last, he got to his and Seishiro's last argument. Hokuto's expression tightened and her eyes flashed, but she said nothing, for which he was grateful. "So Kamui and our friend Sorata went with me to get everything from the apartment, and… Here we are," he finished. He felt rather tired and shivery, but definitely better. If he hadn't spoken then, he knew he wouldn't have been able to at all, and he couldn't just carry the story around inside him.

"So you're going to stay with Kamui?" Hokuto asked.

"Yes, I, I don't want to come back to Tokyo. Not yet, anyway." He flushed, nervous for her reaction, but she just nodded, smiling in a sad, but understanding, way.

"I don't want you talking to Seishiro ever again," she said, very seriously, eyes flashing.

"I won't, don't worry," he said, having blocked his number that very morning.

"Good." Her expression softened. "I think I'll have to come visit you," she said, decisively, and Subaru's heart soared.

"Really?!" Hokuto nodded seriously.

"If you're staying, I'll have to! I also need to meet your new boyfriend to make sure he's a good guy." Subaru went very red.

"He's not my boyfriend!" Hokuto glared at him incredulously.

"No, he's just the person I fell in love with while dating someone else, who I now live with and make passionate love to every night-"

"HOKUTO!" Subaru exclaimed, covering his face, mortified. Hokuto grinned smugly.

"I'm sorry, I'll stop," she assured him, the grin still on her face. "But really, I'll come see you this summer, you can show me all around New York!" Subaru smiled back, still very red in the face. Their conversation continued for hours, and Subaru felt happier than he had done in a long time. Hokuto was coming to visit, he was safe with Kamui… After who knows how long, the door scraped open and Kamui entered the apartment, looking pleased with himself. "What was that?" Hokuto asked.

"Kamui's home," Subaru told her, blushing. Kamui looked curiously at Subaru's phone as he shut off his music and dropped his bag onto the floor.

"Let me talk to him!" Hokuto cried through the phone.

"Um, that's-"

"Is that Hokuto?" Kamui asked.

"Yes!" She called.

"Let me talk to her!" Subaru sighed in defeat and handed over the phone. Kamui smiled nervously. "Hi," he said, then, "Wow you guys look alike!" Hokuto laughed, and her eyes lit up the same way Subaru's did.

"It used to be worse when we were younger, I can show you pictures!"

"Yes please!" Kamui said, grinning, anxious to make a good impression. Hokuto beamed at him.

"You're adorable. I can totally see how you stole my brother away from his evil ex!" Kamui and Subaru both blushed.

"It wasn't like that!" Kamui told her, awkwardly, but Hokuto laughed.

"I'm just messing with you!" Kamui shook his head, thinking wearily that Hokuto would fit right in with all their friends.

"If you say so," he said, suspiciously, but his expression was soft. "So when do I get to meet you in person?"

"I like you," Hokuto told him, emphatically.

"Oh thank god, I'd be screwed if you didn't!"

"Yeah, don't invoke my wrath. Even if it kills me and takes me ten years I'll have my revenge against you." Kamui's eyes widened in fearful respect; older sisters were terrifying.

"Well, for what it's worth," he began, slowly, carefully looking right at Hokuto as he felt Subaru's curious stare. "I care about Subaru so much it honestly freaks me out." He swallowed the sudden tightness in his throat. Subaru felt the words in his heart, loving and tender, and he looked away, a soft smile on his face. Hokuto stared back at Kamui, apparently thinking.

"I believe you," she said, finally, smiling, and Kamui sighed in relief. "I want to come see you this summer, if that's all right."

"Oh hell yeah! When?" Hokuto laughed and they continued their conversation, easy and excited with each other. Subaru felt ready to burst with happiness: the two people he cared for most in the world had come together around him, were getting along and loving each other. Truly, it was all he'd ever wanted.

"It must be so late there!" Hokuto cried out, suddenly. "You two should be sleeping!" Her voice was stern, and Subaru laughed affectionately.

"Yes, big sister," Kamui said, hanging his head theatrically. Hokuto giggled.

"It was great meeting you, Kamui."

"You too! Here, let me put Subaru back on." He handed Subaru his phone again, and they exchanged a happy, excited smile.

"Hey," Subaru said, and Hokuto beamed at him.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she said.

"Me too." They looked at each other, reunited.

"I'll let you go for now, but call me!"

"I will, I promise!"

"Give me Kamui's number so I can talk to him too!" Hokuto added, and Subaru's eyes widened.

"Please don't harass him…"

"Nah she can harass me, it's cool!" Kamui interjected from across the room. Subaru and Hokuto both laughed.

"I love you so much," she said, her face shining.

"I love you too, I'll talk to you soon."

"Good night!" Subaru ended the call and lay back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. Kamui took the seat next to him, thrilled to see him so happy. He hesitated for a second, then took his hand and interlaced their fingers together.

"Is everything as good as it seemed?" Kamui asked, hopefully, moving closer. Subaru looked at Kamui, feeling actually content for the first time in a long time. He wanted to kiss Kamui, but resisted; it was still too soon. He gave his hand a squeeze, smiling.

"It's better."

* * *

The headlines about Fuuma's arrest appeared almost two weeks later, alongside news of the cherry blossom festival at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden and the theme of the upcoming Met Gala. Kamui caught sight of it as a trending topic on the Facebook account he barely used.

 _White Collar Drug Ring Busted_

"Oh my god…" Kamui said softly, his heart beginning to race as he clicked the link.

 _Further to FBI investigations into the so-called "White Collar Drug Ring," known colloquially as D.O.E, three arrests have been made as of last night. "Thanks to our brave agent working undercover, who will obviously remain unnamed, we were able to pin down a leader, known as Kanoe," an insider confirmed. "She became remarkably willing to talk during questioning!"_

 _Arrests include Columbia University student Satsuki Yatoji, career criminal Yuto Kigai and, the "Second Coming of Mr. Untouchable," Fuuma Mouno. The FBI has released no new information at this time, except that Kanoe will receive full immunity in exchange for her testimony._

"Oh my god…" Kamui said again, his voice shaking. It was real. Fuuma had been arrested. It was over. Really over. "Oh my _god_!" He'd known instinctively that he would never see Fuuma again, but it had felt like a break up, where you could always hold onto the delusion that someday you'd get back together. He had been sure Fuuma would slip through trouble like always and they'd be back to how they were before, or as close as they could get now that he and Subaru were doing whatever it was they were doing.

Now though, Kamui had to accept it. This wasn't a break up. This was a death. His vision clouded and his head spun sickeningly as his world crashed down around him yet again. He fell back against his couch and clasped his hand to his mouth, tears pouring down his face. All of the danger, uncertainty and fear was speeding towards him and he had nowhere to run and no idea what to do, except…

He dived for his phone and was about to call Subaru when the door scraped open and he appeared on the threshold, back from work. "I'm home- Kamui? Kamui what's wrong?!" He demanded, sprinting into the room. Kamui threw his arms around him and pulled him down onto the couch, gripping the back of his coat and crying without restraint. "I'm here, it's okay," Subaru told him, over and over, holding him tightly, trying his best to calm him down though feeling terrified himself. "Shh," he breathed, rubbing circles on his back.

It was a few minutes before Kamui regained control of himself. He looked up with swollen eyes, his face glazed with tears. Subaru's stomach clenched painfully as he tenderly rubbed Kamui's tears away with his thumbs. "What happened?" He asked, very quietly. Kamui took a deep breath in and let it out shakily before pointing to his laptop. Feeling petrified of what he was about to find out, Subaru read the article, his arms still protectively around Kamui. "Fuuma… you mean?" Kamui tried and failed to stifle his small sob and Subaru pulled him closer and kissed him on the top of the head. It was nearly an hour before Kamui was able to speak.

"Sorry," he choked, his voice brittle as he let go of Subaru.

"Don't worry about it, please," Subaru told him. He turned to Kamui's laptop, intending to close the page, but found his gaze irresistibly drawn to Fuuma's mugshot. Fuuma, this central and powerful figure in Kamui's life… His expression was utterly disdainful, but also intriguing, powerful and enigmatic. Subaru swallowed, exited the page and shut the laptop.

"I should have said something sooner!" Kamui cried, gazing at Subaru imploringly through his tears.

"What?" He asked, confused, brushing Kamui's hair off his face. Kamui screwed up his eyes at the touch, feeling utterly horrible.

"Fuuma told me this might happen, but, but then right after that you called me about your ex and I didn't want to say anything! I wasn't trying to keep anything from you I was just-" but Subaru pulled Kamui into another embrace, his heart aching.

"It's okay, don't worry," he breathed, hating that Kamui had put his own issues on hold for his sake, though at the same time he was deeply touched. "I'm here now, you can talk to me if you want to talk." It felt good to take charge and be reassuring, to disconnect slightly from his own pain to alleviate someone else's. It had always been where he was most comfortable. Kamui pulled away and looked up at him, his expression anguished and lips pressed tightly together as though he were about to be sick. He could feel the words rising up inside him and Subaru shivered at the surge of energy. Kamui swallowed and took a deep breath in.

"Remember how I told you it was all physical first?" Subaru had to think for a moment, then recalled the first night they'd spent together, in his and Seishiro's bed, lying next to each other and trading secrets. He went slightly pink and nodded. "Well…" Kamui told Subaru about his mother's death. About meeting Fuuma, getting sucked in and starting work, so desperate for Fuuma's praise and attention. He told Subaru all of it, every sad detail he hadn't even realized he'd been ashamed of, and Subaru listened, holding his hand, patient and supportive.

"Fuuma represented a lot to you, didn't he?" Subaru said, quietly, when Kamui had talked himself into silence. Kamui closed his eyes and nodded vigorously.

"He was everything! And now he's gone! But, I shouldn't have been fucking around with him in the first place, like, what the _fuck_ is wrong with me?!" He stared back at Subaru, his eyes blazing.

"It can happen to anyone," Subaru said, very seriously, prickles of shame creeping down his neck. Kamui's eyes filled with fresh tears. In that moment he knew that Subaru was the only person in his life who could really, truly understand, and he felt inexpressibly grateful to have him there. He wanted to tell him so, but all he managed was a whimper. He shut his eyes, and the tears slid down his face. Subaru kissed Kamui softly on each closed eye, then asked, even more seriously. "You said you won't get in trouble, right?"

"God I hope not," Kamui replied when he finally found his voice. He wanted to believe Fuuma's words; that he was sort of protected, but he obviously had no idea what would actually happen. "I'm scared," he said, without meaning to, shocking himself. Subaru held him close again, and Kamui buried his face in his neck.

"Of course you are," Subaru said, also surprised Kamui had admitted it. "We'll figure it out, though, don't worry." Subaru's heart throbbed as he felt Kamui shudder in his arms.

"I didn't care until I met you," he whispered.

"What?" Kamui shifted uncomfortably, his face still in Subaru's neck.

"Like… I used to think, kill me, throw me in prison, I don't give a fuck, but…" He withdrew to look Subaru in the face, his expression desperate, and Subaru felt his power. "I want to be here, with you. I don't want to leave you!" Subaru took a sharp breath in, his eyes wide.

"Kamui…" Kamui closed his eyes again and shook his head.

"Sorry, that was too much," he said at once, his insides twisting guiltily.

"No! It was… I mean, I feel the same way," Subaru told him, and Kamui stifled a small cry. "Just… Look at me." Kamui did so, eyes still blazing, lips parted. "Don't decide anything just for me." Kamui started to speak, but Subaru forestalled him. "You need to make your own way." Kamui stared back at him, then smiled rather sadly.

"We both do, don't we?" Subaru returned his sad smile.

"So it would seem." They didn't say anything else, but the compassion, intimacy and understanding between them somehow made everything less hopeless.

They spent the rest of the evening side by side, listening to music and exchanging a few, soft words. The initial panic Kamui had felt at finding out about Fuuma's arrest had left him, but he still couldn't bring himself to think about it. He was trying not to pull away, withdraw and run as he usually did, but it was still making him terribly anxious. Subaru never left him. He held tight to his hand and played soft music until they decided to go to bed. They lay back to back as always, but Kamui didn't feel tired. He stayed awake for a while, staring unseeingly ahead of him, before finally rolling over, his heart speeding up. Subaru lay on his side, moonlight illuminating every curve of his body and making his pale skin shine. "Subaru?"

"Hmm?" Kamui extended his hand and rested it against Subaru's upper back, feeling a gentle shiver of excitement. Subaru's eyes flew open and he rolled over to face Kamui, his heart beating faster too. "Are you okay?" Kamui nodded, inching closer.

"Yeah, I," he began, his mouth suddenly dry. "I can't sleep." Subaru felt the words ignite his body.

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it, even as his heart throbbed eagerly in his chest. Kamui smiled, almost guiltily, and moved still closer. Questions suddenly swirled between them. Was today's news a sign? Was it a good idea?

Kamui reached out to cup the side of Subaru's face, then slowly, _very_ slowly, pulled him into a kiss. Subaru inhaled sharply through his nose, a shiver of excitement running through his body. Kamui grabbed a fistful of Subaru's hair and pulled him closer, opening his mouth and letting out a soft cry, but…

They pulled away at the same time, gazing longingly at each other. Kamui relaxed his grip on Subaru's hair, feeling a weird rush of embarrassment. "Not yet?" Subaru breathed, and Kamui could hear the need underneath his understanding tone.

"Sorry, I-"

"Don't apologize, it's totally fine," Subaru said, smiling reassuringly. Kamui just nodded, still feeling awkward. He rolled over to face away from Subaru, who hesitated for a second before draping his arm over him and pulling him flush up against him. Kamui's heart skipped, but he smiled as he shifted against Subaru, sharing his warmth and his energy. "Is this okay?" Subaru breathed, right against the back of his neck. Kamui took a deep breath in, feeling his back expand against Subaru's chest.

"Yes." He could feel Subaru's heart beating against his back. Subaru closed his eyes, smelling Kamui's hair, moving his lips gently up and down his neck. Kamui took hold of Subaru's hand and interlacing their fingers together. Yes, this was what he needed right now.

"I had a dream like this once," Subaru breathed, after a few minutes.

"Yeah?" Kamui replied, at last beginning to feel sleepy.

"Mmhmm." Subaru sighed contentedly, but said nothing else. He felt Kamui falling asleep in his arms, warm and relaxed and safe.

* * *

"Where are you going, work?" Kamui asked, looking up from his computer.

"I'm actually going to see Yuzuriha at the dog shelter," Subaru replied, and Kamui smiled.

"When did you guys plan that?"

"She was texting me about it yesterday. She says I should come see those puppies before they're grown up!" He had an excited smile on his face that made him look so young and _so_ sweet. "She said you should come too, if you can," Subaru added, eagerly.

"All right sure," Kamui said, his tone affectionate. "Just let me finish this." He'd been trawling through Craigslist for serving and bartending gigs for the last few weeks, but no luck so far. He knew it'd take time, that getting another job was always hard even without a weird gap in your employment history, but it was difficult not to feel defeated. He sighed heavily as he finished the cover letter he was writing, then sent the e-mail to whichever restaurant's hiring manager and closed his laptop.

"Ready?" Subaru asked, and Kamui nodded, standing up and reaching for his hoodie. The weather over the last few weeks seemed to be reflecting their moods, getting warmer and sunnier every day. Although the losses Kamui and Subaru had suffered were still there, they weren't nearly as raw and painful anymore. They'd been trying to focus on each other, stay proactive and move forward.

Kamui had severed contact with almost all of his former customers, except for those with whom he had relationships outside of work, like the woman who taught him yoga. It felt weird, like he really was getting out of the life he had half-expected to die in, though he was still worried every second about being arrested. Subaru had heard nothing from Seishiro, but knew that if he did he'd get an order of protection against him without thinking twice. His client up on Dyckman Street had told him how to do it after she finally got one against her own ex-boyfriend. He was also trying to quit smoking. Although it was hard going, the constant onslaught of anti-smoking ads all over New York made it easier. His onmyo magic wasn't suffering as he thought it would, and he wondered if maybe that had all been in his head. "Just don't start vaping," Kamui had said, warningly, as he'd tenderly glued the pieces of Subaru's headphones back together. "I'll actually kill you."

"I hope it doesn't start to rain," Subaru said, looking at the sky as they proceeded up 1st Avenue. It was yet another warm spring day, but the air was thick and pale grey clouds seemed to be settling in.

"As long as we're inside I don't care," Kamui said, shrugging. They walked side-by-side, occasionally catching one another's eye or brushing up against each other.

"Have you ever been to this place?" Subaru asked as they turned onto 13th Street.

"Nah, Yuzuriha never said I could, she likes you better than me." Subaru just laughed and rolled his eyes. An ominous wind blew, making the fresh green leaves in all the trees shiver. The shelter was between 5th and 6th Avenue on the first floor of an office building. The front was floor to ceiling windows, behind which small dogs were playing, running and jumping around. Kamui pushed the door open and they were greeted by loud barking and louder voices. Almost at once Yuzuriha came hurrying towards them, clutching a small, fluffy puppy with pointy ears and a deceivingly innocent look.

"Hi!" She said, very pleased to see them.

"What's up?" Kamui asked, kissing her on the cheek.

"Who's this?" Subaru asked, his eyes all for the puppy. Yuzuriha grinned broadly.

"This little baby still doesn't have a name, but he's my special favorite, aren't you?" She asked the dog, though he was sniffing Subaru's hand eagerly, apparently intent on climbing into his arms. She laughed and handed him over. Subaru held the puppy to his chest, his expression one of purest, most innocent ecstasy.

"I'm so happy right now," he said, simply, and Kamui and Yuzuriha exchanged deeply affectionate smiles. "Ah!" Subaru cried out as the puppy tried to climb up to lick his face.

"Are these the friends you said were coming?" Said a gruff voice from behind them. Kamui started; that voice was familiar… Yuzuriha turned, smiling at a tall man with thick muscles and thicker eyebrows.

"Yes, come meet them!" Kamui had to bite his own tongue to keep form crying out. One of Fuuma's bouncers, Kusanagi- but what was he doing here? Had he not gotten in trouble? Did he not know? Kamui locked eyes with him and they had that terrifying moment of recognition. Kusanagi's eyes widened, but he recovered almost instantly, smiling graciously.

"Nice to meet you guys, I'm Kusanagi," he said, extending his hand to Kamui, who shook it, his own palm sweaty.

"Kamui," he said. ' _Be cool, don't freak out before you have to!_ ' Kusanagi held his gaze a moment longer, then turned to Subaru, while Yuzuriha watched apprehensively.

"Anyway, um, do you want to meet the rest of the liter?" She asked Subaru. "There's two more!" Subaru's eyes widened.

"Yes!" He looked at Kamui, who smiled.

"You go ahead, I'll be there in a second." Subaru returned his smile and followed Yuzuriha to the back of the room. Kamui and Kusanagi looked around surreptitiously before facing each other.

"I'm sure you saw on the news," Kusanagi began, but Kamui cut him off.

"Hasn't everyone?" He stared determinedly up at Kusanagi, who looked back at him with the same sadness he'd worn at the club all those weeks ago.

"Well, I'm that unnamed undercover agent." Kamui felt his insides disappear. This was it. It was over. Of course there was no way he was getting out of this in one piece! He was never good at avoiding trouble. His breath caught in his throat, and though his instinct was to challenge and talk shit, he held his tongue.

Across the room, Subaru and Yuzuriha were at the pen with the rest of the puppies, fussing them as they rolled around and play fought. "I'm so happy right now," Subaru said again, scratching the puppy he'd been carrying behind the ears. Yuzuriha beamed.

"I'm glad!" She continued to watch him, taking a deep breath in, and he looked up at her curiously. "I'm really, _really_ sorry about everything at the bar," she said, going red. Subaru looked back at her, unsure of what she meant, but then,

"Oh! What? You did nothing wrong, why are you apologizing?" Yuzuriha bit her lip.

"I wasn't trying to instigate or anything, I-"

"It's okay," Subaru interrupted, staring earnestly back at her. "Really, it was so long ago, have you been thinking about that this whole time?" Yuzuriha hung her head and Subaru reached out and gave her arm a squeeze. "Please don't worry about it," he told her, very seriously. "If anything, we," he looked over at Kamui. "We needed the extra push." He blushed too, and Yuzuriha smiled.

"Do you think I'm going to turn you in?" Kusanagi asked, raising his eyebrows.

"You can, but I don't know shit, so it won't do you any good," Kamui told him, boldly. Unnervingly, Kusanagi only looked sadder.

"You've got a chance to get out of this kind of life," he said, very seriously. "As long as you're back on the straight and narrow I won't take that from you."

"What?" Kusanagi's expression was deadly serious.

"You heard what I said. I don't know your specific story, but believe me, I've seen it before. No good will come of me throwing you in prison, even if the judicial system doesn't agree." Kamui's eyes widened.

"Are you serious?" Kusanagi nodded solemnly.

"I was after your bosses, you go make something of yourself." Kamui gasped, almost unable to believe it. He shoved his knuckles into his mouth, his heart pounding. "As far as we're concerned, we just met."

"Thank you," Kamui said, very quietly, ready to burst with gratitude. Kusanagi smiled.

"Sure. Besides," he clapped his hand on Kamui's shoulder. "I'm head over heels for Yuzuriha, and I think if put you away it'd completely fuck up our relationship."

"So _you're_ the guy she's been seeing behind our backs?!" Kamui cried, incredulously, way louder than he'd intended. "Sorry." Kusanagi hung his head apologetically.

"I made her promise to keep it a secret, seeing as I was working under cover," he said, voice heavy with regret. "But, that'll change now the investigation is over."

"That's fucking trippy…" Kamui said, finding this harder to believe than his get out of jail free card. Kusanagi just laughed. "So wait, you had time to come over here even with the investigation?" Kusanagi laughed all the more.

"It was the only thing that kept me sane." Kamui made a noise of understanding and solidarity in his throat.

"I can't believe this," he said, running his fingers through his hair.

"It's pretty fucking crazy, whether or not you believe in fate." Kamui nodded in agreement. He and Kusanagi looked over at Subaru and Yuzuriha, cuddling puppies and laughing together. Kamui felt a sudden rush of affection for the pair of them. "We're lucky to be cared about by such amazing people," Kusanagi said, quietly. "Let's keep doing the right things for them as well as ourselves." Another dog ran up to Subaru and began kissing him so enthusiastically he was almost knocked over.

"Definitely," Kamui agreed, his heart beating in his throat, feeling overwhelmed by gratitude.

They all said goodbye shortly after that. Kamui hugged Yuzuriha tightly and whispered, "I approve," right in her ear. She rolled her eyes, but looked gratified when she let go of him.

"Thank you so much!" Subaru told Kusanagi, shaking his hand.

"Come visit anytime, please!" He replied, smiling graciously, and he and Yuzuriha showed Kamui and Subaru out the door. The overcast sky was glowing alarmingly under the clouds as cold sharp breeze after cold sharp breeze blew down the street.

"Are you okay?" Subaru asked Kamui as they started walking home. Kamui looked up at Subaru, his eyes shining in the soft grey light, and took his hand. Subaru's face broke into a smile as Kamui interlaced their fingers together. A few raindrops began to fall.

"Oh shit!" Kamui cried, holding tight to Subaru's hand as they hurried home. All around them, people who were better prepared began opening umbrellas, disappearing under a black vinyl shield wall. Kamui and Subaru weaved in and out of them, still holding hands. The raindrops became heavier and heavier. Then, right as they were about to cross 2nd Avenue, the rain poured down in a sudden, dizzying sheet. A few people screamed, diving into stores and under awnings. Kamui pulled Subaru across the street, both of them soaked through within seconds. "Fuck!" Kamui yelled, shaking his wet hair out of his eyes.

"It's okay we're almost home!" Subaru called over the pounding rain. They ducked under the awning of the bodega on their corner to catch their breath, laughing uncontrollably.

"Holy _fuck_!" Kamui gasped, squeezing Subaru's hand. They stood, panting, staring at each other, smelling the flowers on display.

"Let me get my keys!" Subaru said after a few seconds, digging in his pocket and shivering. Kamui could see every contour, line and shadow of Subaru's chest through his wet t-shirt. He wanted to kiss him so badly, but he could wait just a little longer. "Ready?!" Subaru asked, holding up the keys. Kamui punched the air with their clasped hands, and Subaru laughed. "Okay, let's go!" They ducked out from under the awning and sprinted through the freezing curtain of rain to the door of their building. It was only after they were safely inside, back up in the apartment, that they finally let go of each other's hands. They were both soaked to the skin, shivering and gasping. Kamui pushed his dripping hair out of his eyes with numb fingers, watching Subaru struggle to take off his wet shoes.

"I'm going to take the world's hottest shower," Kamui said, toeing off his own shoes with difficulty.

"Good idea!" He hesitated for a split second.

"Do you want to come with me?" Subaru snapped his gaze to him.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Kamui replied at once, blushing. Subaru nodded eagerly, his heart speeding up. They both knew there was no way this was just to get warm, and Subaru felt both excited and nervous. He had no idea what to expect; all he had to go on were the few kisses they'd shared and sleeping next to each other. He was sure it'd be different than what he was used to, and it was both thrilling and nerve wracking. He let out a low, soft exhale as he followed Kamui to the bathroom. Whatever was about to happen, Subaru knew he wouldn't be disappointed, because it was Kamui, because it was taking their relationship farther.

Subaru shut the bathroom door behind him, shivering with cold and excitement, listening to the rain hammering away outside. He and Kamui gave each other one last awkward smile before turning away. Kamui peeled off his wet shirt and threw it over the shower curtain rod. A flush rose in his face, neck and chest as took off his pants with shaking hands. Behind him, Subaru hung his wet clothes on the towel hooks on the back of the door and folded his arms across his body. Goosebumps rose all up his arms and legs; he could _feel_ Kamui back to back with him even though they weren't touching. But soon they would be touching, under the hot water, oh god… He closed his eyes, feeling suddenly embarrassed. He looked down, willing his body to relax. "Subaru?"

"Y-yes!"

"Could you turn on the water?" Kamui bit his lip, feeling completely childish in his embarrassment. He'd obviously done this before, but… It was different with Subaru. Everything was different with Subaru. He heard him turn on the shower and knew he'd have to turn around, but he felt another rush of embarrassment at how turned on his was when they hadn't even done anything yet. He gathered his resolve and they faced each other. They kept their eyes locked on each other's faces, not daring to look down. Kamui let out a soft moan of longing and Subaru smiled a desperate, lustful smile.

They carefully stepped into the bath, still looking everywhere but down. Subaru gasped softly as the hot water caressed his body, flushing the surface of his skin. Kamui's breath was shallow and his lips were parted as he wrapped his arms around Subaru's neck. "Is this okay?" He asked, their lips millimeters apart. Subaru moaned softly as he slid his arms around Kamui's waist, palming the muscles in his back and running his fingers up and down his spine. Kamui arched into the touches with another soft groan, shivering in his arms. Subaru shuddered at the noise and all the blood seemed to drain out of his brain to fuel his erection.

"Kamui," he said, quietly, looking him right in the face, feeling his breath on his lips, his erection pressed up against him. They looked at each other for one more aching second before Kamui kissed Subaru full on the lips. Subaru dug his fingers into Kamui's back, inhaling sharply through his nose. They broke apart for a split second before they were back for more. Kamui thrust his tongue into Subaru's mouth, kissing him with a fierce, intense passion. He could feel everything in his entire body; every shared breath, Subaru's hands up and down his back, the hot friction of their chests together.

Subaru's head spun and he thrust his hips up against Kamui, hot desire coursing through him from every point of contact. He wanted to take the lead, to shove Kamui up against the wall, but nerves suddenly swelled inside him. He pulled out of their kiss and Kamui groaned in frustration, looking at Subaru through desperate eyes, his mouth open. "Oh god… I," Subaru began, though he had no idea what he wanted to say.

"Are you okay?" Kamui managed to ask, his chest heaving. Subaru brushed Kamui's hair out of his eyes and he moaned softly at the touch.

"This feels so good," Subaru told him, and saying it out loud seemed to turn up the heat between them. Kamui dug his fingers into Subaru's upper back, feeling hot skin and tense muscles.

"I'm so turned on," Kamui said, and Subaru threw his head back, feeling the words in his heart and his erection. He wanted more, to please Kamui and be pleased, even as thinking it was overwhelming. He kissed Kamui fiercely, thrusting his tongue into his mouth and pulling him even closer. Last time they'd kissed this way he'd been craving oblivion, but now all he craved was Kamui, and Kamui was craving him, and oh fuck he _needed_ it!

Subaru shoved Kamui up against the wall of the shower and he cried out into his mouth. He gripped Subaru's shoulders as an entirely new excitement surged through him. He spread his legs and Subaru stood between them, thrusting his hips up to create a tantalizing, teasing friction. Kamui moaned hard, _living_ for Subaru's kisses and touches, his body on fire. They held each other hard and kissed even harder, and the hot water turned up the sensation as it slid over them. After who knows how long, Subaru let go of their kiss and looked Kamui right in the face, breathing hard. They stared at each other, lips parted and chests heaving, drinking in each other. "I could kiss you for _days_ ," Kamui breathed, after a while, deeply seductive even through his obvious desire.

Subaru blushed furiously, the words like an electric current shocking his nerves. "Likewise," he breathed, kissing Kamui once more on the lips, then pulling away. Kamui gasped in surprise, but then groaned as Subaru moved his kisses to his neck. He gripped Subaru's shoulders and thrust his hips forward. "Does this feel good?" Subaru breathed, pressing him harder into the wall.

"Y-yes!" Kamui gasped, tilting his head to the side to allow Subaru more access. He continued to explore his neck, first with his lips, then tongue, then teeth, and Kamui let out needy cry after needy cry. As Subaru bit down hard and sucked a fresh bruise to the surface of Kamui's neck, he knew a sudden rush of fierce excitement. He thought of seeing these bruises the next day, of knowing _he_ had done this to Kamui, _he_ could make him moan and gasp and shiver. It was almost like a head rush and Subaru let out a deep, lustful groan as he continued up to Kamui's ear, inhaling the smell of his hair. "Yes!" Kamui moaned again, then, "Oh fuck!" Subaru sucked Kamui's ear, making his entire body flush, his own erection throbbing with longing. It felt weird for his actions to produce such an intense effect, but he liked it more than he ever thought he would. He kissed, licked and sucked Kamui's ear, feeling powerful and _so_ turned on.

Kamui was shaking so much he had to hold tight to Subaru to stay standing. He felt so hot with arousal he might boil over any second. He wanted to move, to kiss Subaru on the lips and please him in return, but he was powerless in his arms. The sensations kept his muscles taut, stuck in an erotic spasm. He screwed up his eyes, crying out openly as Subaru kissed his ears, exploiting his weakness, sending waves of pleasure coursing through him. "Oh _fuck_!" He moaned again, shivering violently, and at last Subaru withdrew. Kamui took a few seconds to recover before he pulled Subaru into a kiss, shoving his tongue in his mouth.

Subaru dragged his hands down Kamui's back to grip the hipbones he'd been admiring discreetly for far too long. He rubbed his thumbs into them and knew a deep surge of arousal. Kamui pulled out of their kiss and began the counterattack on Subaru's neck, kissing and sucking and biting the flushed, glistening skin. Subaru cried out, going furiously red and digging his fingernails into Kamui's hips. Kamui moaned softly, his heart, and erection, throbbing. He sucked hard on Subaru's neck, watching the bruises bloom with deep satisfaction, then moved to his shoulders, but paused.

Subaru's chest heaved against his as he pressed his lips to his shoulder, inhaling deeply through his nose. He dragged his hands up Subaru's spine, then along the back of his shoulder, the same place he'd touched to show where he'd once had bruises. Kamui stood on tiptoe to place tender kisses on the spot, feeling an intense rush of passion. He knew he shouldn't, be it was deeply satisfying that now it would be his mouth leaving marks on Subaru's body. He bit down on Subaru's neck again and dragged his hands around to his chest, making him cry out in longing. "I want you," Kamui whispered softly, before he could stop himself. Subaru looked him in the face, his eyes blazing.

"Are you sure?" He asked, his mouth rather dry even as his body was begging for it. Kamui reached for Subaru's hand and interlaced their fingers before kissing each of his knuckles. Subaru bit back a moan.

"So sure." Subaru kissed him on the lips, swallowing another groan. Kamui held tight to Subaru's hand, feeling his pulse and his heat in his palm. "Let's get in bed," he said, finding his voice between kisses, and Subaru squeezed his hand almost painfully hard.

"Okay," he breathed, shakily. He shut off the water, feeling beyond excited. He'd forgotten how amazing it was just to kiss, to embrace. He was so used to it being a means to an end, and though he wanted _so_ much to take it farther, he already felt so connected and alive. He reached behind him for a towel and threw it around Kamui's shoulders, and they took it in turns to dry each other off. Kamui smiled, his heart swelling as he took Subaru's hand again and led him to the bedroom.

The rain outside continued to pound against the windows and a soft grey light filled the room. Kamui lay down, still holding Subaru's hand, and the light caught the curves of his chest and hips, making the water drops that still clung to him sparkle. Subaru let out a soft gasp, at last seeing all of Kamui: narrow, long and lithe, smooth skin and shiny black hair. "You're so perfect," Kamui said in a soft groan, distracting Subaru.

"What?" Kamui blushed furiously as he took in Subaru's broad shoulders, slender hips, obvious erection…

"You're so perfect." Subaru blushed, but he climbed on top of Kamui before he could feel self-conscious. Kamui let out a soft moan of satisfaction and wrapped his arms around him, desperate for more of his warm weight, for more friction. Subaru shivered in excitement and his blush deepened as he buried his face in Kamui's neck. He ran his hands up and down his chest, inhaling deeply through his nose. The touches sent frustrating shoots of pleasure through every nerve of Kamui's body and he pressed his hips upwards, urging Subaru to keep going.

Subaru gasped softly in Kamui's ear and kissed it. Kamui moaned, and Subaru thrust his hips against him, experimentally at first, then faster. Every time their erections made contact in the hot, wet space between them it nearly drove him crazy. Kamui wrapped his legs around Subaru's waist, pulling him harder up against him, and Subaru cried out, a jolt of pleasure shocking his body and his heart. Kamui seized the sides of his face and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. They moved together in a deliberate, erotic rhythm; the heat, friction and pressure between them building torturously. Subaru pulled out of their kiss and Kamui bit down softly on his lower lip, making him gasp sharply, his heart skipping and erection throbbing.

He pressed his hands into the bed on either side of Kamui's head, lifting his chest up and looking down at him. Kamui bit his own lip. Subaru looked _so_ ready, desperate and seductive. He reached up and gently cupped the side of his face. "What do you want?" He asked, trying and failing to sound composed. His whole _being_ ached for Subaru, but he was nervous, and nervous in a way he hadn't ever felt before. There were stakes in taking it farther, but not the kind that came with fucking someone dangerous. No, Kamui was going to let Subaru into his heart as well as his body, and he'd be vulnerable and exposed with him as he'd never been with another person. It was terrifying, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

Subaru rubbed the side of his face into Kamui's hand, blushing deeply at the question. Truthfully, he didn't really know how to answer it except that he wanted more of _this_ , more of Kamui, more intimacy and pleasure. He opened his eyes, looked Kamui in the face and slowly, very slowly, dragged his hand down his chest to finally wrap it around his erection. Kamui gasped and arched up into the touch. Subaru's blush deepened as his heart pounded and erection throbbed in excitement. "This is what I want," he said in a constricted voice, slowly moving his hand up and down. Kamui's breath caught in his chest, his heart beating against his ribs. "Is this okay?"

" _God_ yes!" Subaru kissed him, swallowing more moans and cries as he pleased him. Although Subaru was nervous, he was sure, and _so_ turned on. He pulled out of their kiss, his expression lustful and excited.

"I, I want to…" His voice trailed away and his eyes darted to Kamui's erection, then back to his face. "With my mouth." Kamui inhaled sharply, his eyes lighting up.

"You want to suck me off?" He asked. His face burned with his blush even as the very idea was enough to make him explode.

"Yes," Subaru replied, rubbing his thumb around the tip of his erection. Kamui's stomach muscles drew in and up and he let out a soft gasp.

"O-okay." Subaru smiled almost gratefully and moaned as he kissed Kamui one last time. Kamui unwrapped his legs from Subaru's waist and let them fall open invitingly. Subaru positioned himself between them, hand still gripping his erection. They locked eyes and knew that moment of apprehension that always came your first time with someone new. Would they be good? Would they like it?

Gathering his courage, Subaru bent forward and took all of Kamui's erection into his mouth. He sucked a hard, wet heat all the way down, then back up, exhaling hard through his nose. Kamui cried out, the immediate force and pressure taking him completely by surprise. Subaru moved faster, up and down, his eyes shut tight, and though it felt good, it was almost, not careless, but…

Subaru had been expecting Kamui to grab his hair, or push down on the back of his head, or some other rough, impatient gesture. He felt startled, therefore, when he felt his gentle touch on the side of his face. He looked up curiously, sliding his mouth up and off his erection. "Are you okay?" He asked, his eyes wide. Kamui nodded, catching his breath.

"I'm fine, just, you don't need to go so fast," he said, blushing furiously and feeling guilty at Subaru's obvious confusion.

"Slow down?" Subaru asked, perplexed. "But-" He blushed, feeling wrong-footed and inadequate. Kamui sat up and kissed him on the lips.

"It feels good!" He assured him. "Just, be _with_ me." He kissed Subaru again, deeply now, thrusting his tongue into his mouth. Subaru moaned softly into their kiss, Kamui's words echoing in his mind. Heat swelled between them, and he started to understand. Kamui didn't want to get off on watching this happen, on shoving his erection in and out of his mouth. Kamui wanted to feel, to connect and savor Subaru pleasing him. Subaru shivered; this was completely different from what he was used to, but he loved all the possibilities it held. They broke apart, all nerves and confusion gone as they looked at each other, and Subaru knew another thrill of excitement: he'd make Kamui feel _amazing_.

"Lie back," Subaru said, quietly seductive. Kamui did so, his heart beating excitedly. He watched Subaru bring his hands to his thighs to hold them in place before bending forward and licking the tip of his erection. Kamui bit his lip, transfixed, as Subaru swirled his tongue all around the tip, then, slowly, took it all into his mouth. Kamui moaned, gripping the bed sheets on either side of him, pleasure rippling out from between his legs. Subaru closed his eyes and exhaled slowly through his nose, his heart racing at the sounds. He slid his mouth up and down, still slowly, listening to Kamui groan and gasp. He paused to suck right on the tip, moving around in a slow, wet circle.

"Oh _fuck_!" Kamui cried out, throwing his head back, and Subaru felt a rush of excitement like he'd never felt before. He let out a soft moan as he began to speed up, sliding his mouth down, then up, then moving in circles at the tip. Kamui watched, his knuckles white as he gripped his sheets. Pleasure built between his legs, then crashed outwards like slow, powerful ocean waves. Kamui's thighs shook and his stomach muscles drew in and up as Subaru kept up his rhythm, moving slightly faster now. Kamui's chest heaved and he let out a long, hard moan. His head spun, but his body was completely focused on what Subaru was doing. He could feel every breath, each flick of the tongue, fingers wrapping around the base of his erection…

Then, without any warning, Subaru took his mouth away. Kamui let out a frustrated cry, staring at Subaru in disbelief. Subaru smiled, moving his hand up and down in light, teasing touches. "Does this feel good?" He asked, his voice heavy with arousal. Kamui swallowed, his heart pounding in his chest and erection aching with longing.

"This feels _so_ fucking good," Kamui told him, his voice constricted. Subaru smiled and kissed the tip of his erection, feeling it twitch against his lips. Kamui's breath caught in his chest and a low, desperate moan fought to get out of his throat.

"Can I go faster now?" Subaru asked, and Kamui bit back another moan, thrusting his hips up into the touches. He was so hot, so turned on, so desperate for more. He wanted Subaru to do _everything_.

" _Fuck_ yes!" Subaru's beautiful eyes shone in excitement, and Kamui's heart throbbed, pumping a sudden wave of emotion through his body. "You're so amazing," he said, his throat burning. All Subaru could do was smile as the praise nestled, warm and soft, in his chest.

"You," he said, softly. "I want to keep going." Kamui nodded, then let out an excited cry as Subaru snuck his hands under his thighs and lifted them so his knees were bent over his shoulders. Subaru smiled up at him, gently sucked the tip of his erection, then took it all into his mouth.

"Oh god…" Kamui breathed, then groaned hard, his entire body seizing up as Subaru moved up and down, his pace quick and pressure deliberate. He dug his fingers into Kamui's thighs to hold him steady; he was already shaking so much. "Don't stop… Don't stop… Don't stop!" He moaned, over and over again. His head spun, he couldn't even think, white hot pleasure was coursing through him, scorching every nerve of his body and bringing a deep red flush to his skin. He threw his arms up over his head and screwed up his eyes, moaning and swearing incoherently.

Subaru moved faster still, but changed his angle slightly. He felt a violent shiver ran through Kamui's body and his erection twitch in his mouth. Kamui inhaled sharply through gritted teeth, eyes still shut tight, and Subaru felt a painful excitement at how close he was. He kept moving, digging his fingers into his shaking thighs as his erection stiffened against his tongue. "S-Subaru, I'm gonna come!" Kamui cried out, his heart beating frantically against his ribs. He felt his awareness zero in on Subaru, on the pressure building to the bursting point between his legs, the pleasure holding all of him in a vice like grip. The last thing he heard was Subaru moan around his erection, oh god he was _right_ there!

Kamui let out a deep, shuddering groan as he came, hard, into Subaru's mouth. All the pleasure keeping his muscles tight and tense rushed out of him, leaving him limp, except for his desperate, heavy breathing and pounding heart. He felt dizzy as satisfaction and emotion crashed inside him. He was totally spent, and it was totally amazing.

Subaru swallowed everything. His breath came in shallow bursts and his erection pulsed with need. He kept his eyes fixed on Kamui, shivering slightly in the aftermath of his orgasm, and let out the softest of longing moans. Kamui slowly opened his eyes. "Subaru…" He said, looking him right in the face, his throat burning and heart aching. They stared at each other for a long time, Subaru's beautiful eyes both desirous and uncertain. Kamui sat up at last, grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him into a heavy, passionate kiss.

Subaru cried out in surprise as Kamui pulled him on top of him and held him tightly. He felt deeply connected and cared for as Kamui kissed him, emotion surging back and forth between them. They kissed that way for a long time, slow, loving and intimate, until at last Subaru rolled off of Kamui and they lay next to each other, still embracing. "That was fucking amazing," Kamui breathed, pressing his forehead against Subaru's.

"I'm glad," he breathed back, blushing at the praise. Kamui kissed him again, the affection between them almost overwhelming. Kamui tried to remain composed, but he felt so warm and satisfied, connected and safe in Subaru's arms. He wanted to cry, or scream, or…

"Let me do you," he said, softly, eyeing Subaru's erection. Subaru's face grew hot and he bit his lip.

"I, I don't really like it," he said, sheepishly. Kamui's eyes widened in utter devastation at this information. Subaru looked away, his flush deepening, but Kamui gently cupped the side of his face.

"It's cool, we can do something else," he said, totally understanding. Subaru looked back at him, so kind, so forgiving, so tolerant… He kissed him, his heart beating against his ribs.

' _Is that true, though?_ ' Subaru wondered, pressing his tongue into Kamui's mouth. It had been so long since anyone had done that to him, and now he was with Kamui, with whom everything felt so different. So different and so unbelievably good. "I want to try it," Subaru breathed against Kamui's lips.

"Are you sure?" He asked, serious but soft. Subaru nodded.

"I think it'll be different with you," he continued, smiling furtively. Kamui returned his smile, looking excited.

"You had to let me do something after that," he said, as if it were obvious, and Subaru laughed, embarrassed and pleased. "If you want me to stop, just say so," Kamui said, still serious and soft. Subaru opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't find the words. He'd been offered ways out like that before, but he had always been afraid of saying no. However, he wasn't scared of Kamui's displeasure, and it was new and freeing and just… He kissed Kamui, trying to communicate his gratitude without words.

"I will," he said, when they broke apart. Kamui smiled at him excitedly, then brought his lips to his neck, kissing him tenderly. He drew his hand carefully down his chest and took hold of his erection, making him gasp softly and thrust his hips forward into the sensation. Kamui's touch reignited Subaru's body, reminding him how turned on he'd been, how powerful he'd felt pleasing him.

"Is this okay?" Kamui asked. Immediately, Subaru's blush heated the skin under Kamui's lips and he bit down, sucking fresh bruises. _Kamui's_ bruises, made with all the affection and desire inside him, on Subaru's perfect body.

"Yes!" Subaru gasped, and Kamui moved his hand faster, up and down in hard strokes. Subaru felt his thighs start to shake as tendrils of pleasure snaked their way upwards and wrapped around his heart. He moaned softly, feeling so hot and _so_ turned on. Kamui withdrew from Subaru's neck, kissed him, then sucked gently on his lower lip. Subaru let out a deep groan and brought his hand to the side of Kamui's face. Immediately, Kamui pulled away to turn and kiss Subaru's palm instead. Subaru watched in hazy, aroused confusion as Kamui kissed his fingers. He then looked Subaru in the eye, and slowly began to take his fingers into his mouth. Subaru let out a strangled cry, his erection throbbing in excitement. Kamui smiled around Subaru's fingers, moving his tongue back and forth across them, _loving_ the aching, lustful need in Subaru's face.

Kamui slid his mouth up and off Subaru's fingers, exuding seduction. "Do you want to fuck my mouth, Subaru?" He asked in a low, commanding voice. Subaru cried out and shut his eyes tight, the words hitting him like a lightning strike. Kamui felt Subaru's erection throb in his hand and he blushed deeply as he used his thumb to swirl around the precum oozing from the tip. He wanted more than anything to taste him, to swallow him whole. His heart pounded as he waited for Subaru to collect himself, though he was having terrible trouble being patient. At last, Subaru opened his eyes, face burning, lips parted.

"Y-yes," he whispered. Kamui smiled gratefully, and they exchanged one last, deep kiss. Subaru rolled over onto his back and Kamui slid down to settle between his spread legs. He continued to stroke Subaru's erection as he kissed his inner thighs, then bit down on the soft, tender skin. Subaru cried out, thrusting his hips forward.

"Does that feel good?" Kamui asked, his heart rate spiking. Subaru nodded vigorously, his lips pressed tightly together. Kamui continued, kissing and biting and sucking. Bruises bloomed like red and purple flowers, and Subaru threw his head back, arms crossed over his eyes, chest heaving… Until Kamui pulled away, leaving Subaru's body shaking and brain fogged with desire. He shifted his hips back and forth, begging him to keep going. "Subaru," Kamui said, commanding, but still soft. Subaru sighed heavily and brought his arms down to his sides to prop himself up on his elbows. He stared at Kamui, his eyes intense behind his shiny black bangs, beautiful, powerful and loving. "Be with me," Kamui said, his heart in his throat. He wanted the connection. Subaru went deeply red, and nodded.

Kamui smiled before gently kissing the tip of his erection. Subaru bit his lip, feeling a deep shudder of pleasure. "You're okay?" Kamui asked. Another nod, a deeper blush and one last smile. Kamui licked up, base to tip, and a soft moan began in Subaru's throat. Kamui repeated the gesture, and Subaru felt his stomach muscles pull in and up, the moan escaping through his lips. Kamui licked up again, then circled his tongue all around the tip, closing his eyes in satisfaction and making Subaru shiver in excitement. Kamui wrapped his lips around his erection, his tongue darting back and forth, then sucked all the way down. Subaru's toes curled and he threw his head back, moaning hard as Kamui moved his head up and down, swallowing as much as he could, building an intense, wet heat.

Subaru's arms collapsed under him and he lay flat on his back, wave after wave of hot pleasure coursing through him. He felt dizzy, lightheaded, drunk on the sensations and emotions. He tried to make eye contact with Kamui, to watch, but it was way too much. Although he was used to surrendering, to letting someone else do what they wanted, Kamui was in it for both of them, not just himself. It was totally new, but almost _painfully_ exciting. Subaru reached out, wanting to touch some part of him, and his fingers entwined with his hair. Kamui groaned softly and moved faster, bringing his hands to Subaru's thighs and pressing them into the bed. Subaru's grip on his hair tightened and he moaned fluently, shuddering, heat and pressure building.

Kamui brought one hand around the base of his erection, holding it steady so he could move even faster, up and down, back and forth. Subaru groaned desperately, gripping Kamui's hair so hard his knuckles were white. He could barely move; pleasure had everything in such a tight grip, all he could do was twitch and shiver and let out disjointed cries. Kamui felt his erection stiffen in his mouth and knew he was close. He was desperate to make him come, the thought alone gave him a rush. He concentrated on the tip, sucking fast, hot and hard, and Subaru managed to cry, "D-don't stop!" Kamui smiled around his erection and groaned softly. He wouldn't stop for anything.

Subaru could barely breathe now, the hot, wet pressure around his erection was building in intense pulses. "Kamui, I'm-" He choked, closing his eyes, a furious blush in his face. Kamui's heart pounded and he kept moving, breathing hard through his nose. "I'm-!" But the rest of Subaru's words were lost in a desperate moan. " _I'm_ -!" Then all the pressure gripping his body rushed outwards as he came, harder than he had in a very long time, into Kamui's mouth. His mind went completely and totally blank, but his body was alive as pleasure and emotion crashed inside him. He lay with his mouth open, chest heaving and heart pounding, radiating satisfaction.

Kamui swallowed, groaning and feeling very pleased with himself. He straightened up, slowly climbed on top of Subaru and kissed him softly on the lips. Subaru opened his eyes blearily and managed a smile. He wanted feeling to come back to his arms so he could wrap them around Kamui and hold him tight, but for now they just looked at each other. The space between them was intimate, thick with connection and emotion. "That was incredible," Subaru whispered, his eyes shining, looking prettier than ever. Kamui's heart skipped and he smiled back. At last Subaru wrapped his arms around Kamui, holding him close and burying his face in his neck.

They lay together, cocooned in loving, satisfied silence. The rain outside continued to patter against the windows for who knows how long, stopping when the sun broke through the clouds very suddenly. The city was coated in warm, golden light, making all the rain-washed edifices and the wet sidewalks glitter. It was an otherworldly beauty that only existed after a rainstorm. Kamui and Subaru remained totally unaware of it, wrapped around each other in content half sleep, until the sun began to set, pouring the light through their windows.

Kamui stirred first, the golden light warm on his face. He sighed sleepily and shifted against Subaru, breathing in his smell and feeling his heat. He then straightened up, looking down at him, his heart ready to burst with happiness. He carefully brushed Subaru's hair off his face, feeling one with everything, and that everything really would work out. He knew it was just his brain being full of happy chemicals, but he didn't care. He felt more secure and sure of himself than he had done in a long time. Today he was Kamui Shirou: the luckiest person in the world, and it wasn't a performance. It was the truth.

Subaru shifted slightly under his touches, making a soft, sleepy noise in his throat. He opened his eyes and a radiant smile lit his face as he looked at Kamui. "Hi," he said, dreamily. Kamui smiled back and kissed him on the lips.

"Hi," he breathed back. Immediately Subaru pulled Kamui into another kiss, this one deep and heavy. Kamui felt a head rush at all of the emotion and passion. They broke apart, drinking in each other, and Subaru cupped the side of Kamui's face, tenderly rubbing his thumb under his eye. Subaru felt blissful, almost like everything had been leading up to this moment, that everything really did have a point and that he really did deserve this happiness. "So what happens now?" Kamui asked, blushing slightly. Subaru sat up and took Kamui's hand.

"I have absolutely no idea," he said, smiling apologetically, and Kamui laughed nervously. Questions filled the space between them. What did this mean? What were they to each other? Where were they going? But neither of them wanted to ask, or maybe they didn't need to ask. Not yet, anyway.

"Let's go for a walk," Kamui said, looking out the window at the gorgeous, gilded evening. "We'll figure shit out as we go." Subaru laughed and kissed Kamui one more time.

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

FINALLY. Subaru and Kamui both owe me drinks!

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	13. Alive

**Happy Thursday!**

...and it just hit me that this is the last time I'll be saying that, at least for a while!

Welcome to the last chapter! How are you guys doing today? Truthfully I've been feeling, like, ALL the things this week. I'm so proud of myself, like, when I started this fic in March I had no idea it would become what it is. This is the biggest thing I've ever written, fanfiction or original work, not to mention one of the few things I've actually finished. I'm also sad to see it ending, of course, it was such a huge part of my life for so many months and now it's all over, but it's also sort of a relief. I got to write Subaru Sumeragi, a character to whom I'm PROFOUNDLY attached, the happy ending he deserves, and it's out in the world for others to see.

Mostly, though, I feel so immeasurably grateful.

I've needed to tell this story and have been trying to tell this story with different characters and in different media for YEARS, but I didn't have the confidence, vocabulary or emotional maturity to do it. I'm grateful to be able to talk, when for so long I couldn't, and it's all thanks to reading X/1999. Thanks, CLAMP, I won't waste my suffering!

I'm grateful to all of my friends, IRL and online, fictional and flesh and flesh and blood, and to my brother (truly, the Subaru to my Hokuto) and wonderful boyfriend who supported me and encouraged me throughout this whole process and kept me going. I couldn't have done it without you.

Lastly, and this is most important: I am grateful to all of you who read this story. Every single one of you. Whether you loved it or you hated it, left me comments or kudos or reviews or just kept me in the dark, you are wonderful, thank you so much. Whether you reached out to me on Tumblr and we're now good friends or we admire each other from a distance, seriously, I'm lucky to have you. This story would never have been what it was without you, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.

Right, this AN got way out of hand, but... LIKE I SAID I'M FEELING ALL OF THE THINGS. Okay, let's get started!

 _Kiss me now, so we can feel alive...!_

* * *

Kamui flopped onto his couch with a heavy sigh. He felt tired, hot and sweaty, but very pleased with all his hard work. The night before, Subaru and Hokuto had finalized their plans for her visit, so Kamui had agreed to clean out his old bedroom and make it into an actual guestroom. "Are you sure you don't want my help? I feel bad making you do this all yourself," Subaru had said as he prepared to leave for work that morning.

"It's cool, don't worry about it," Kamui replied, kissing Subaru goodbye. Although he was apprehensive, he felt that this was a project he needed to take on himself, at least at first. He hadn't touched the room since his mother had died, except to move all his clothes and valuables into her room. Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha had all offered to help, but of course he'd refused. Since then it had remained shut up and dark, and though he knew Subaru wouldn't judge him for anything that came up, he wanted to see it himself first.

"All right… Well call me if you need me. I'll be up in the Bronx then I'm going to Dyckman Street," Subaru told him, giving him another kiss.

"Don't be home too late, it's your official housewarming gathering tonight." Subaru laughed.

"I remember." One last kiss, and he was out the door. Kamui turned up his music and armed himself with cleaning supplies and trash bags. He approached his old room, but paused with his hand on the doorknob, feeling nervous. He took a deep breath in, then opened the door with a loud, shuddering creak. He waited a few seconds, then stepped over the threshold, letting go of the breath he'd been holding. The room was a disaster. A few old pieces of clothing still hung from drawers pulled halfway out of his dresser. Books lay strewn about the floor where he'd ripped them out of their places on shelves. The torn remains of a poster of a band he'd now be embarrassed to listen to still hung by yellowed scotch tape to the wall behind his unmade bed. Everything was covered in dust.

Kamui felt the pain rise up inside him and just let it come, knowing a moment of deep sympathy for his twenty one year old self. He took as much time as he needed, breathing deeply, and when he got his wits about him he set to work. He opened a trash bag and began throwing things away, quickly but carefully. Once he'd gotten rid of all the obvious trash, he moved on to more important things.

Under his bed, Kamui found old schoolbooks, assignments and artwork. His mother had always made him keep them, though he never did see the point. He found more photographs of days long forgotten and people whose names he couldn't remember. He did find more pictures of himself and Kotori though, and even a few of him and Sorata from middle and high school. He smiled at the photos, tenderly rubbing his thumb over his own face. He gathered them all together and brought them into his and Subaru's bedroom. He placed them carefully on top of the dresser, then went right back to work. It didn't make him sad, necessarily, seeing all these things, but it was rather surreal and strange. He felt like his life had happened in two parts: before and after his mother had died, and here was everything he hadn't brought with him, a time capsule of the first twenty one years of his life.

As Kamui kept working, he thought, not for the first time, about how much had changed. The deaths of Saya and Kotori, and then his mother, had thrown everything up, like the contents of a snow globe. The first time, everything had pretty much settled down, returned as best it could to normal. The second time, though, nothing had settled, and Kamui had just ridden the chaos. What choice did he have when nothing really mattered anyway? Now, though, it seemed his world had finally stopped shaking. That he could actually move forward.

Spurred on, Kamui had packed all of the old books and clothes he no longer wanted into bags and taken them to second hand bookstores and thrift shops in the area. He'd then stopped to pick up drinks for their dinner party that night before coming home and crashing on his couch. He stretched, waiting for his energy to come back, and caught sight of the photo of himself with his mother, Saya and Kotori on the bookshelf. His mother looked back at him out of the picture, and Kamui smiled. "I'm sorry I was so fucked up for so long," he told her. He stood up and walked over, reaching out and touching her face with his first two fingers.

He'd always wondered how his mother would have felt about all the decisions he'd made, about him working for Fuuma, about everything. She was never the type to fuss or worry, that was what Aunt Saya was for, and her own job had obviously gotten her into incredibly dangerous situations. She'd probably have been more disappointed than anything, just as she had been when he was always in trouble after Saya and Kotori's accident. "I know you're angry, but this isn't doing anyone any favors," she'd said, wearily, placing steri-strips across a cut on his face, relic of some totally stupid fight.

"I'm doing good now," he told her picture, smiling sadly and missing her terribly. "I'm trying to get a legit job, and I have this new boyfriend, I think you'd really like him!" His throat burned suddenly as another painful wave of sadness rose up inside him, but again, he just let it happen. His mother would never meet Subaru, never see him settled and happy. He had a sudden vision of introducing them, then of himself, Subaru, Hokuto and Kotori, all spending happy time together. His eyes burned and he shut them tight, only to see his mother standing beside him, her hand reassuringly on his lower back.

"Don't dwell on what might have been, Kamui," she would have told him. "Not when things are finally looking up." Kamui inhaled deeply, drawing a deep comfort from the vision even as he felt like his heart was breaking. "You always had the power to shape your future," she'd continue, smiling the smile he'd inherited, powerful and knowing. "Even if you strayed, I knew you'd choose the right path in the end."

Kamui opened his eyes, feeling slightly shivery. He took his fingers away from his mother's photo and wiped his tears away. He had to keep going on this good path. For himself, Subaru, Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha, and now Hokuto. So many people still living who loved him. He smiled at his mother's picture, then at his nine-year-old self. At last, it seemed okay to feel really self-assured. It hadn't been okay for a very long time.

He heard a key in the door and turned, his heart swelling as Subaru stepped over the threshold and toed off his shoes. "I'm home!" He called, beaming. He came into the living room and dropped his bag beside the coffee table before kissing Kamui on the lips.

"Hey," Kamui breathed, feeling his body immediately light up. Subaru sighed into their kiss and wrapped his arms around him. "No don't, I'm gross!" He cried, surprised Subaru couldn't feel the dust and sweat that clung to him as he pulled him close.

"That's fine," he breathed, kissing Kamui on the neck. He shivered, relaxing into the embrace.

"How was work?" Subaru withdrew to look at Kamui, a huge smile on his face.

"I got you a job today."

"What?!" Subaru looked absolutely thrilled.

"I told my client on Dyckman Street that you needed a new job," he said, a slightly apologetic note in his voice.

"Don't feel bad, come on!"

"Remember I told you she manages a restaurant right by Union Square?" Kamui nodded. "Well, she said just send her your resume and she'll hire you."

"Are you serious?!" Kamui had always known you needed an in, but this just seemed too easy! Subaru nodded fervently.

"She says it's the least she could do!" His heart swelled as he remembered her eager face, how excited she'd been to be able to help. At last, she really seemed to be recovering. Both of them were.

"Really?" Kamui asked again, his face shining.

"Really!" Kamui threw his arms around Subaru's neck, the last piece finally falling into place.

"Thank you," He whispered, holding him tight.

"Of course," he replied, just as softly, kissing him on the top of the head and rubbing his face tenderly in his hair. "How did cleaning go?" He asked, after a few minutes.

"Really good! You wanna see?"

"Mmhmm!" Kamui took Subaru's hand and led him to what was becoming their guestroom. Subaru looked around eagerly, feeling a deep sense of relief about the room. He stood behind Kamui, wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on his shoulder.

"There's still a lot left to do, but I got rid of mad old stuff."

"Thank you for doing this," Subaru said, softly, and Kamui smiled.

"It's no problem, I should have done it years ago." Subaru pulled Kamui closer, feeling how tired, though proud, he was.

"I can help you tomorrow, I have the day off." Kamui leaned his head back, smiling up at the ceiling.

"You're the best." Subaru kissed Kamui's neck, feeling the skin grow hot under his lips. Kamui let out a soft gasp as Subaru pressed his hands up under his shirt, palming his chest and belly. "I need to shower and change," Kamui said, getting hard under Subaru's lips and fingers.

"No," Subaru said, biting down gently on Kamui's ear. Kamui let out another gasp, his eyes shut tight.

"If our friends find us like this we'll never live it down," he reminded him, even though he could give a fuck. Subaru laughed against his neck, running his fingers teasingly under the waistband of his pants.

"Later, then," he said, placing a kiss right behind Kamui's ear.

"Well, yeah." Subaru returned his chin to Kamui's shoulder, holding him close. They stood that way for a while: content in a loving embrace in their guestroom with what was to come hanging teasingly ahead of them. They'd spent every night that week, at the very least, kissing passionately for hours at a time. They hadn't taken it father than they had their first time together, but neither of them minded.

Kamui and Subaru felt so deeply for each other, so grateful to finally be acting on their feelings, that even kissing was enough to set their bodies on fire, to make them aching and desperate. At the same time, though, Kamui's greatest unspoken wish was to ride Subaru to the moon and back, and he had a sense that he wasn't alone in this.

"Go shower," Subaru said, quietly, at last letting go of Kamui.

"Come with me," he replied. They exchanged another smile, even though they knew, this time, it really was just to rinse off. "Fast though, we only have like, a half hour." They hurried into the bathroom, undressed quickly and stepped under the hot water. Kamui wrapped his arms around Subaru, holding him close. Subaru reached around him for soap and began to rub it in gentle circles on his back. "Can I ask you something?" Kamui asked, after a few minutes.

"Of course," Subaru replied, scrubbing Kamui's chest now.

"Um… Do you think I should tell Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha about, like, selling and everything?" Subaru paused, looking at him curiously.

"This is new; I thought you wanted to keep it a secret." Kamui rinsed off and took the soap from Subaru.

"Well yeah, but… I hate lying to them." Subaru nodded, watching Kamui rub soapy circles on his chest.

"It's up to you," Subaru said, seriously. "And you don't have to decide anything right away." Kamui nodded thoughtfully.

"I guess you're right."

"Whatever you decide, I'll support you." They smiled at each other, the space between them warm and loving as ever.

Fifteen minutes later, Kamui and Subaru, clean and dry, were opening his front door to Sorata and Arashi, carrying shopping bags and wearing smiles. "What's good, what's good?!" Sorata demanded.

"Come in," Subaru said, graciously, stepping out of the way. "Here, let me take those," he added, relieving Sorata of the groceries.

"Thanks, dude!" Arashi kissed Kamui on the cheek and followed Subaru into the kitchen. "How's things?" Sorata asked, pulling Kamui into a hug and clapping him hard on the back.

"Fucking great," Kamui replied, looking around. "Where's Yuzuriha?"

"She's on her way!" Arashi called from the kitchen where she was helping Subaru put things away. "Kusanagi has to go to DC for work so she's dropping him off at Penn Station." Sorata and Kamui exchanged a look. "And don't start, you two!"

"I wasn't gonna say anything!" Kamui exclaimed, looking deeply offended, before going into the living room to put on music.

"Do you guys want drinks?" Subaru asked, once everything was put away.

"Yes please!" Sorata replied at once. "If you don't drink while cooking your friends dinner you're fucking up." Subaru and Arashi exchanged looks and laughed before collecting beers from the fridge.

"What are you making, anyway?" Kamui asked, reappearing in the kitchen and getting himself a drink.

"Okonomiyaki," Sorata replied, accepting a beer from Subaru. "Now get your ass in here and help me chop cabbage." Kamui rolled his eyes but squeezed past Subaru and Arashi to join him. Sorata clinked their drinks together. "Cheers to you growing the fuck up and learning to cook for your boyfriend!"

"Sorata for goodness sake…" Arashi said, taking a weary sip of her beer. Subaru and Kamui looked at each other, both blushing furiously.

"You've never called me your boyfriend before," Subaru said, his eyes bright.

"He does, just not to your face," Sorata continued, and Subaru laughed.

"Listen-" Kamui began, but at that moment the buzzer went off, distracting them all. Subaru let Yuzuriha upstairs and held the door open for her.

"Sorry I'm late!" She cried, breathlessly, hurrying up the last flight of stairs and into the apartment. "I brought dessert though!" She held up the bright orange cake box she was carrying.

"You aren't late, we haven't even started cooking yet," Subaru told her, kindly.

"Typical!" She hugged Subaru with one arm, then went to put the cake in the fridge and grab herself a drink. She told everyone else hello, still out of breath.

"Okay there's way too many people in here," Sorata said. "You three, go relax."

"Yeah yeah yeah," Yuzuriha replied, turning away. Arashi kissed Sorata, then followed her into the living room.

"Are you sure you don't need help?" Subaru asked.

"That's what Kamui's for," Sorata replied, grinning. Subaru sighed in defeat, gave Kamui a gentle kiss on the lips and left the kitchen. Still rather pink in the face, Kamui took a sip of his drink and reached into a drawer for a knife. "Real talk, though, you guys are doing good, right?" Sorata asked, digging in Kamui's cupboards for a mixing bowl. Kamui nodded, beginning to chop all the cabbage.

"I mean, it's all still new, but yeah, so far everything's great. Like, I actually feel…" His voice trailed away and he and Sorata exchanged a look.

"I was worried at first," Sorata said, honestly, his face full of his characteristic determination.

"Me too," Kamui replied, quietly, his stomach squirming. Sorata poured flour into the mixing bowl, his expression softening.

"We all were, but considering how shit started out, you can't blame us." Kamui looked down, slicing the cabbage into clumsy ribbons and placing it into a colander. "But," Sorata continued. "These last few weeks have been the happiest I've seen you since Tohru passed away." Kamui felt the words in his chest and smiled at Sorata: his best friend, always there, always understanding. Kamui _had_ to tell him about the chaos that was the last two years of his life, but not yet. Tonight was for celebrating.

"That's because it is," he replied, finally, blushing. He wondered, suddenly, if he and Subaru would become like Sorata and Arashi: together for years and years, a staple of their group of friends, always loving and affectionate. It was sort of mortifying how much he hoped they would. Sorata clapped him on the shoulder.

"All right enough emotional expression, let's feed our friends' hungry starving asses."

In the living room, Yuzuriha had been telling an eagerly listening Subaru all about the puppies at the shelter, how much they'd grown and how many had been adopted. "When my sister comes to visit I'll have to bring her," Subaru said, smiling in happy anticipation.

"Your sister?" Arashi asked, interestedly. Subaru nodded eagerly.

"She's coming here for three weeks in July. I, I can't wait," he said, sipping his drink.

"That's so exciting!" Yuzuriha exclaimed, bringing her hands together in front of her heart.

"Do we get to meet her?" Arashi asked, kindly.

"Of course! I'd love that," Subaru replied, just as kindly.

"What's she like, Subaru?" Yuzuriha asked, eagerly. Subaru thought for a moment.

"Kamui says she's like me, but… Well his word was ratchet." Arashi and Yuzuriha burst into laughter.

"Oh my god, Kamui," Yuzuriha said quietly, shaking her head.

"I can't wait to meet her," Arashi told Subaru, warmly. "We'll have to plan lots of fun things to do…"

"What are we planning?" Came Sorata's voice from the kitchen.

"Stuff to do when Subaru's sister is here!" Yuzuriha called back.

"Oh hell yeah!" Sorata replied, enthusiastically, appearing in the doorway, bonito flakes stuck to his shirt. "Right now, though, dinner's ready!" Subaru, Arashi and Yuzuriha returned to the kitchen and everyone collected dinner and more drinks before taking seats around the coffee table. Subaru and Kamui sat down next to each other and exchanged a soft smile. They were both remembering the first time they'd sat down to dinner this way, a million years ago…

"This looks amazing, you guys," Yuzuriha said, leaning back into the couch.

"I try," Kamui said graciously.

"All you did was chop vegetables what the hell are you talking about?!" Yuzuriha demanded.

"Hey, he did good, give him a break!" Sorata interjected before Kamui could answer back. Instead, he just rolled his eyes and took Subaru's hand. Sorata raised his beer.

"So cheers everybody! To having Subaru safe and here with us!"

"Amen," Kamui said under his breath, and Subaru squeezed his hand.

"Thank you," Subaru said, feeling overwhelmed by all the attention, but it meant more to him than he could express. Everyone clinked their drinks together, and all was excited conversation, delicious food and laughter. The glow of Kamui and Subaru's newfound happiness illuminated the whole room, bestowing everyone with a contentment and optimism that they weren't shy about expressing. They finished dinner, cleaned up and Yuzuriha brought out her dessert, a light and fluffy strawberry shortcake.

Kamui leaned his head against Subaru's shoulder, eating cake and feeling at peace with the world. Subaru kissed him on the top of the head, the "later" they'd promised each other earlier washing up in their minds like an approaching high tide. Across the table, Sorata had his arm around Arashi and was twirling her hair around his fingers. "Ugh I feel totally fifth wheeled right now!" Yuzuriha burst out dramatically, biting on a strawberry. Kamui looked her right in the eye, brought his and Subaru's clasped hands to his lips and kissed them ostentatiously. Yuzuriha rolled her eyes. "And here I was thinking that dating such a good person would make you less of a dick," she said, wistfully.

"Oh I am, just not to you," Kamui replied, flashing her a smile.

"Can't you put him under a spell or something?" Yuzuriha implored Subaru, who sighed heavily.

"I'm afraid it doesn't work like that," he replied, apologetically.

"Just keep fucking him good, that'll keep him quiet," Sorata said, a total deadpan expression on his face. Everyone burst out laughing and Subaru went very red, covering his face.

"May I ask how you know that?" Arashi asked, raising her eyebrows.

"He's just known me too long," Kamui said, reassuringly.

"Thanks for not blowing our cover," Sorata said, and Kamui blew him a kiss across the table.

"Sorata, can I watch, at least?" Yuzuriha asked, and he winked at her across the table. Arashi exchanged and exasperated look with Subaru, who was still deeply red.

"I'm never quiet anyway, Subaru always makes me scream," Kamui added, as an afterthought, and everyone burst once more into laughter.

"I was gonna say, I like the hickeys," Sorata said, reaching across the table to brofist Subaru, who looked more mortified than ever, though he couldn't help but feel pleased with himself.

"I was waiting for it!" Kamui cried, shaking his head. "I'm sorry," he added to Subaru, who smiled through his embarrassment.

"It's okay," he replied, kissing Kamui on the lips. Everyone had a second slice of cake and exchanged more teasing comments and laughter until it was time to head out. "Thank you so much for dinner, next time you have to let us cook," Subaru told Sorata, hugging him goodbye.

"For sure! We'll see you soon?"

"Absolutely!" Arashi and Yuzuriha were taking it in turns to hug Kamui.

"I'm so happy for you guys," Arashi said in his ear, followed by Yuzuriha's,

"Kusanagi told me to tell you congratulations."

"You guys are the best," Kamui told them, earnestly, looking around at his friends.

"Really," Subaru added. He felt immeasurably grateful that it was this group of friends who had adopted him in his new city. More smiles, then hugs, were exchanged, and Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha were out the door. Kamui turned to Subaru and hugged him, burying is face in his neck. "Did you have a good night?" Subaru asked, holding him close and stroking his hair.

"Mmhmm." Kamui sighed contentedly, then looked up. "Did you?" Subaru nodded, brushing Kamui's bangs out of his eyes. They smiled at each other, excitement rising between them in the loving, intimate space.

"Is this later?" Kamui asked. In answer, Subaru kissed him on the lips. Kamui pressed him up against the wall and shoved his tongue in his mouth. Subaru exhaled sharply and his heart rate spiked as blood rushed between his legs and flushed his skin. He thrust his hips back against Kamui, hands gripping the back of his shirt. Kamui moaned softly into Subaru's mouth, his own body already begging. They broke apart, foreheads touching and breath shallow.

"Let's get in bed," Subaru breathed, a deep blush in his face. Kamui swallowed and nodded gratefully. He kissed Subaru again, fighting the urge to shove his hands up his shirt, and Subaru kissed him back with a deep, loving passion, moaning softly. They both knew they'd get way more if they just walked the ten feet to their bedroom. However, the immediate prospect of not kissing, not holding each other, not thrusting their hips forward in a teasing friction, was just not okay. At last Subaru let out a frustrated groan and withdrew from their kiss. He grabbed Kamui's hand and pulled him to their bedroom. Kamui cried out, his heart pounding in excitement. Once in their room, Kamui pushed Subaru onto their bed and straddled him, a deeply desirous look on his face.

"I want you so hard right now," he said, and Subaru pulled him down into a kiss. Kamui groaned, grinding his hips against Subaru and pressing his hands up under his shirt, feeling smooth skin and tense muscles. Subaru gasped softly, tendrils of pleasure snaking their way throughout his body from the contact, making him shiver and his heart pound. He thrust his hips up against Kamui, the friction and pressure already building tantalizingly between them. He reached for Kamui's shirt to pull it over his head. Kamui straightened up and threw his shirt behind him, still rocking his hips back and forth.

Subaru sat up and wrapped his arms around Kamui, dragging his hands down his back and placing soft, though insistent, kisses across his chest. Kamui moaned and threw his head back, the contact sending jolts of pleasure through his body, shocking his heart and his erection. "O-Oh my god," he gasped, grinding his hips down even harder.

Subaru bit down on Kamui's collarbone and exhaled sharply through his nose, his erection pulsing at the effect he was causing. Kamui reached down and pulled Subaru's shirt up over his head before grabbing the sides of his face and kissing him full on the lips. Subaru dug his fingers into Kamui's back, feeling the smooth skin grow hot under his fingers. His head spun as their chests pressing together added to the friction, the pressure, the need. He _ached_ for Kamui. He wanted to please him, make him moan, gasp and scream.

Subaru lay back down on the bed, pulling Kamui with him, then rolled him onto his back. Kamui cried out in excitement and spread his legs invitingly. Subaru kissed him once more on the lips before moving to his neck, already deeply flushed with arousal. He tenderly kissed the bruise he'd left there the night before, then bit down on the spot just below it, sucking a fresh one. Kamui let out a hard, desperate moan as a violent shiver ran through his body. Subaru's flush matched Kamui's as he kept going, feeling almost painfully turned on. He dragged his hand down Kamui's chest, feeling his muscles contract under his touch, to palm his erection through his pants. Kamui groaned and thrust his hips upwards, desperately seeking more friction, more sensation, more of Subaru.

Subaru moved his hand teasingly against him, feeling a thrill of arousal at how turned on he was. He exhaled slowly and was about to undo his pants to _really_ start pleasing him, but Kamui grabbed his wrist. Subaru's eyes snapped up to his face. "Are you okay?" He asked. Kamui nodded reassuringly, interlacing their fingers together.

"Yeah! Just… I want to," he paused, blushing and feeling a weird rush of nerves. He took a deep breath in. "I want you inside me," he said, his face determined and tone seductive. Subaru's breath caught in his throat.

"Are you sure?" He asked, his heart beating uncomfortably fast. Kamui let out a desperate sigh and pulled Subaru into a hot, passionate kiss. Subaru groaned, his body lighting up, begging him to say yes. They broke apart, gasping, eyes blazing as they stared at each other.

"Let's make love, Subaru," Kamui breathed, profoundly seductive. He'd never used the phrase before, but it just felt _right_. Subaru closed his eyes, mouth open in a soft groan, the words stirring up an excitement deep inside him. His heart throbbed as Kamui reached up and cupped the side of his face. He turned and kissed his palm.

"Okay," he breathed, opening his eyes. He looked down at Kamui and felt a surge of his power that only fed their desire for each other. Before he could stop himself he kissed Kamui hard on the lips. Kamui moaned, his mind and heart racing at what was to come, his body hot and needy at the prospect. He reached between them to undo Subaru's pants, his hand shaking slightly. In no time they were both naked, entwined with each other, kissing passionately, the heat, pressure and friction between them making them dizzy. "Do, do you have-" Subaru started to ask, between kisses.

"Bedside table drawer," Kamui breathed back, his heart skipping excitedly. Subaru straightened up and let out a deep, heavy sigh, siphoning off some of the heat building torturously inside him. He got off of Kamui and reached into the drawer, extracting lube and a condom he found there. He paused, feeling suddenly anxious. He knew what to do, obviously, but… "Are you okay?" Kamui asked, sitting up and placing his hand on his back.

"I'm fine," Subaru assured him, "I've just, I've never topped before, so…" He went furiously red.

"Really? Kamui asked, his eyes wide. "Are you sure you want to? We can-" Subaru interrupted him with another kiss, his nerves leaving him as quickly as they came.

"I'm sure," he said, softly, their foreheads touching. "You just have to tell me what feels good." Kamui smiled.

"I will." He lay back down and spread his legs encouragingly. A soft moan began in Subaru's throat as he eyed Kamui's smooth chest, narrow hips, erection _begging_ to be touched… He shook himself, trying to stay focused. He seized the bottle of lube and squeezed some onto his fingers.

"Tell me if it gets too much," he said, pressing his fingers against Kamui.

"I will," he replied, exhaling deeply and allowing Subaru to slide one finger inside. He adjusted quickly, then nodded, and Subaru slid in another finger. Kamui smiled and let out a soft, satisfied sigh, moving his hips to find more friction. Subaru bit his lip and a furious, lustful blush flooded his face as he thought of these sensations around his erection. Forcing himself to pay attention, he stretched and explored.

"Is this okay?" he asked in a somewhat constricted voice.

"God yes," Kamui replied. Subaru bit down harder on his lip as he made a "come here" motion with his fingers. "O- _oh_ my-" Kamui's entire body seized up around Subaru's fingers as pleasure coursed through him, making him shudder violently and gasp. "Oh my _god_ yes!" He moaned when he found his voice. Subaru repeated the gesture, groaning softly himself. It gave him the most _intense_ rush to please Kamui this way, to make him feel this good, and soon they'd be making love and oh _god_ …

Subaru squirted more of the lube onto his fingers before slipping a third one inside. "Is this okay?" He asked, his heart pounding and erection throbbing as he moved his fingers in and out. He continued in this way and Kamui's chest heaved and his thighs shook violently. The look on his face was one of pure unfiltered need.

"I'm ready," he said, finally, watching the blush in Subaru's face spread to his neck and chest, his expression desperate and lustful. He removed his fingers, and Kamui sat up. He kissed Subaru on the lips, moaning hard into his mouth.

"Are you sure?" Subaru asked when they broke apart.

"I want you so bad," Kamui moaned, biting down on Subaru's lower lip. Subaru gasped, his erection pulsing excitedly.

"I want you to," he breathed back. He reached for the condom, opened it and slid it on.

"Sit up against the headboard," Kamui said, quietly commanding.

"What?" Kamui smiled, looking deeply seductive even through his obvious desperation.

"Sit up against the headboard," he repeated, reaching for the lube.

"O-okay," Subaru replied, wondering what was coming. He moved pillows out of the way and did as he was told, his legs out in front of him. Kamui squeezed lube onto his hand, then wrapped his fingers around Subaru's erection, coating it. Subaru gasped, the teasing touches fueling his need. He watched Kamui straddle his hips, holding his erection in place. His breath caught in his throat and his mouth fell open as he realized what was about to happen. He locked eyes with Kamui as he pressed his erection up against him.

"Be with me," Kamui said.

"I'm with you," Subaru told him. Slowly, very slowly, Kamui pressed the tip of his erection inside. Subaru cried out sharply and Kamui stopped right there, his chest heaving and his eyes shut tight. Subaru reached behind him to grip the headboard, his arms trembling and breath shaky. Kamui swallowed and opened his eyes. He locked his gaze with Subaru as he continued moving down, millimeter by millimeter, taking more and more inside and _loving_ it. Subaru's chest heaved as he watched, transfixed, the sensations already making him dizzy. Kamui paused halfway down and shut his eyes tight again, but his mouth was open in an excited smile. He gazed hard at Subaru when he opened his eyes, then moved all the way down, sheathing his erection inside. He stopped there, his heart pounding and a look of total ecstasy on his face. Subaru was holding so tightly to the headboard his knuckles were white. He could easily have come just from watching all that, and now the heat and pressure around his erection had him right on the blissful edge. He'd never felt anything like this before, but oh _god_ did he want more!

"Are you okay?" Kamui asked, shakily, bringing his hands to Subaru's shoulders. Subaru nodded, gasping.

"I, I should be asking you that," he replied, his voice shaky and constricted.

"You feel _so_ fucking good," Kamui told him, his eyes burning.

"So do you," Subaru said, his erection throbbing as if to illustrate the point. Kamui kissed Subaru with an entirely new passion, digging his fingers into his shoulders. Subaru moaned and wrapped his arms around him, wanting to touch all of his hot, wet and flushed skin. They felt _intensely_ aware of each other, every point of contact allowing intimacy, affection and desire to flow back and forth between them.

At last, Kamui began to move, rocking his hips back and forth in a slow, erotic rhythm, and they cried out into each other's mouths. Waves of pleasure began to crash outwards through Subaru's body and he shivered and moaned, every sensation seemed magnified. Kamui sped up, feeling Subaru's erection moving inside him, rubbing right up against his sweet spot. Pleasure coursed outwards, shocking his nerves over and over again, and all he could do was moan, it was all so good. However, he knew if he kept this up, it would be over before they even got started.

Kamui pulled out of their kiss and changed his angle. He couldn't go as deep, but could go faster. Subaru cried out and dug his fingernails into Kamui's back. This new, fast friction felt _amazing_. Kamui moved even faster, rocking his hips back and forth in a quick, deliberate rhythm. Subaru writhed and gasped, moaning fluently as waves of sensation crashed through his body. He gripped Kamui's hips, urging him back and forth. "Th-this is so, so good!" He managed in a choked voice, the pressure between his legs making his head spin. Kamui kissed him deeply and moaned into his mouth as he sped up, hot pleasure gripping his body. Subaru could feel Kamui's thrusts becoming more erratic and his hands shaking as they gripped his shoulders: they were both fighting their orgasm, and though it would be amazing to come inside Kamui just like this, Subaru wanted to draw it out, feel all of this a little longer. "Kamui, Kamui stop!" Subaru moaned, pulling out of their kiss.

"Are you okay?" Kamui asked, breathing hard.

"Yes! Just, I, can I get on top?" Kamui's face lit up.

"Okay!"

"Lie on your back," Subaru said, trying to sound commanding. Kamui gave him one last kiss before sliding himself up and off his erection and lying down on his back. Subaru climbed on top of him, biting his lip. "Should I just…?"

"Yes," Kamui told him, smiling encouragingly. Subaru shivered as he got into position, then entered him with a smooth thrust of his hips. Kamui threw his head back in a deep groan and Subaru cried out sharply; this new position felt completely different, but _oh_ so good. He kissed Kamui, who wrapped his arms and legs around him, begging him to move.

At last, Subaru pulled out, slowly, then thrust back in, moaning hard into Kamui's mouth. He pulled out again, still slow, and thrust back in, harder now, letting go of their kiss to throw his head back in pleasure. Kamui dug his heels into Subaru's lower back, urging him to continue. Subaru pulled out, then pushed back in, over and over, moving harder and faster and deeper each time, pleasure coursing through his body and pressure building between his legs. "More!" Kamui cried, eyes shut tight, mouth open as he let out long, hard moans. His body was on fire, he felt everything: every thrust, Subaru's hands all over him, his hot moans on his neck.

Subaru paused, propping himself up with one hand and reaching under Kamui's waist with the other to lift his hips. Kamui looked up at him in excited anticipation. "Is this okay?" Subaru asked, his gaze burning and voice heavy with need.

"Yes!" Subaru pulled out slowly, then thrust back in, hard and deep. Kamui screamed, his toes curled and his erection throbbed. His inner muscles pulled in, hard and tight, around Subaru, and he too let out a deep, loud moan. Subaru continued, and Kamui was living for it. His entire body seized up, pleasure paralyzing him as it crashed through his body. "Just like that! _Just_ like that! Oh my _god_!"

Subaru moaned fluently, pleasure fogging his brain so all he could think of was more. Kamui's desperate moans in his ears, his hot skin under his fingers, his pressure and friction around his erection, oh it was _so_ good! Subaru kept moving, harder and faster and deeper, his entire body honing in on the sensation. He was so close, and he knew drawing it out would soon be impossible. "Don't stop! Don't stop!" Kamui begged, his very _being_ aching with need.

"I'll come if I keep going," Subaru told him, feeling his erection throb as he said it.

"I want you to!" Kamui gasped. "I'm so close _please_ don't stop!"

"Oh _god_!" Subaru sped up his thrusts still further and Kamui screamed all the more. He was becoming less and less aware of what was going on around him: all was Subaru, pleasure, and friction.

"Subaru!" Kamui moaned, seconds away from orgasm. "Subaru! _Subaru_!"

Hearing his name was too much. With one last, hard thrust, Subaru came, hard and deep, inside Kamui. His entire body, mind and heart were flooded with sensation as all the pressure between his legs rushed outwards. The last thing he saw was Kamui throw his head back as he came a split second later.

Kamui let out one last, strangled scream and released all over his chest and belly. His mind spun and his body melted as the pleasure gripping him released its hold. He couldn't even move, he felt so weak from his ecstasy. He had never been satisfied this way, not with anyone else, and he felt so deeply connected, it was unreal.

Subaru fell forward on top of him, breathing hard against his neck. The sensations and emotions echoed inside him and he wanted to stay this way forever, entwined with Kamui, mind, body and heart, as he'd never been before.

They stayed like that for a long time, feeling, listening and shivering slightly in the aftermath of such intense, passionate lovemaking. At last, Subaru straightened up, still shivering and breathing heavily. He carefully pulled out, peeled off the condom and threw it into the trash by the bed. He lay back down beside Kamui, who immediately reached out and cupped the side of his face. "That was _amazing_ ," he breathed. Subaru smiled and kissed him softly on the lips.

"It was," he agreed.

"Did we come at the same time?" Kamui asked, his eyes shining. Subaru blushed.

"I, I think so," he replied with a sheepish smile.

"Fuck… Yes…" Kamui said, looking very pleased with himself. He moved closer and lay across Subaru's chest, his face in his neck. Subaru let out a deep, satisfied sigh and held Kamui closer to him, feeling so safe and happy. "You're so perfect," Kamui breathed, throwing his leg across Subaru's hips for good measure. Subaru laughed softly and kissed him on the top of the head.

"You," he replied, rubbing his face in his hair and inhaling deeply. A streetlight flickered outside their window and cars honked and revved, but it was all meaningless. Nothing could penetrate Subaru and Kamui's safe, glowing bubble. "Do you really call me your boyfriend?" Subaru asked, softly, after a few minutes. Kamui blushed, but met his gaze.

"Yeah," he said, sheepishly. "I'll stop if you don't want to put titles on yet, though!" He added, his eyes wide. Subaru just laughed and kissed him full on the lips.

"I," he began, when they broke apart, but then changed his mind. "It sort of went without saying, didn't it?" Kamui laughed rather embarrassedly.

"It did, truly," he agreed, his face burning. "It's not too soon?" Subaru shook his head, looking thrilled, and they exchanged one last kiss.

"That's what I want."

"Me too." Kamui buried his face in Subaru's neck again, savoring the happiness between them. "You're stuck with me now," he said, his heart beating rather fast, and again Subaru laughed and kissed him tenderly.

"Good."

* * *

" **When you get home come up on the roof!** " Kamui smiled at the text and hurried along 11th Street. It was a little after midnight, and he'd just finished his shift at work. He was tired, but pleased with his efforts. He liked this restaurant: his coworkers were cool, the chefs were generous with family meal and the customers usually tipped well. Subaru's client was an awesome boss as well, of course.

The city was hot and sultry on this summer night, alive with people out drinking and enjoying themselves. A light breeze ruffled Kamui's hair as he finally reached his building. He climbed the stairs, bypassed his apartment and headed right up to the roof. His chest swelled as he saw Subaru waiting for him. "Hey," he said, removing his headphones and stowing them away. Subaru beamed and Kamui dropped his bag before falling into his arms and sighing contentedly. Subaru held him close and rubbed his face in his hair.

"How was work?" He asked. Kamui looked up, then kissed him hard, and sparks already began to fly between them.

"It was work, I'm glad to be home." He kissed Subaru again. "What were you doing up here, meditating?" Subaru nodded.

"And you know I don't like going to sleep without you." Kamui smiled. They would always wait up for each other. They exchanged another look. Subaru's bright green eyes shone under the stars and lights of the surrounding buildings. Kamui's beautiful face forever radiated his intensity, even in the heavy, summer heat. A soft night breeze swirled around them as they drank each other in, feeling like they could look at each other forever.

"I love you, Subaru," Kamui said, before he even realized what was happening. He might have felt totally exposed and embarrassed, except that it was the honest truth he'd been trying to say for weeks. Subaru felt the words in his very soul and he gave Kamui a truly radiant smile.

"I love you too, Kamui," he replied, a slight shiver running down his spine. They both laughed softly at their own bravery and held each other close. Another light, summer breeze blew past them and Kamui rested his head against Subaru's chest.

They looked out over New York, where they had found each other, rescued each other and would now support each other as they built their own lives. Subaru and Kamui knew the same, unspeakable happiness, and knew as well that they'd fight to maintain it. They'd only move forward, farther and farther away from that cold, February night in Zuccotti Park a lifetime ago.

Another day, another step forward.

 **END**

* * *

Oof, that was an ODYSSEY! Well, again, thank you all so much for reading!

I... I want to keep working with this universe, because I think there's still more to explore. I'm currently working on a bonus chapter, so look out for that! Plus some other things, but we'll see! If You Love Me will never die, it'll just sleep for a little bit.

 **I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


	14. Andromeda

**Happy Thursday!**

Did you guys miss me? I missed you! Seriously, I felt so empty without this to post every week, it sucked! I was working on this chapter, though, and I figured a month on it'd be totally appropriate to post it.

This chapter sort of occurred to me, like, the week after I finished the first draft of this back in July. It was scorchingly hot in the city so my friends and I all drove out to the beach and got knocked around by waves for like, 6 solid hours. It was so cathartic and wonderful, I thought of how nice it would be to include something like that!

Um.. what else? OH! So I'm doing NaNoWriMo (is anyone else? if so, best of luck!) and my project is, surprise surprise, more X fanfiction! So keep an eye out for it in a few weeks. I also have another really lovely SubaKam AU in the works which I'd like to have up in the new year, so please don't forget me!

Anything else? I don't think so, enjoy!

* * *

"Yo it's hot as _fuck_ ," Kamui said to no one in particular as he emerged from his restaurant. The last few weeks had been unbearably hot; the sun blazed overhead and the air hung humid, stagnant and unmoving over the city. Everything felt damp and sticky from sweat and all the water vapor trapped in the air, and it made Kamui lethargic and irritable. At work, there was central air, but outside it was disgusting, even this late at night.

He put on his headphones and proceeded east, only to get stuck at a light on 3rd Avenue. He rocked backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet, waiting for the traffic to cooperate. There were way more cars on the road than usual, all pumping exhaust into the air and radiating more suffocating heat. Kamui sighed impatiently, feeling his irritation increase along with his body temperature. The second he was able, he crossed the street, then almost got run over by someone riding a bike in the middle of the street. "USE THE BIKE LANE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" He yelled after them, venting his feelings. He turned up his music and continued on his way, finally making it up to his apartment. It was ridiculously hot here too; he and Subaru only had AC in their bedroom. "I'm home," he called, wearily, toeing off his shoes and stowing his headphones in his bag. The bedroom door was closed and all the lights were off. For a second he wondered if Subaru was asleep, but-

"Hold on, Kamui's home." The bedroom door opened, revealing Subaru in only a t-shirt and underwear. Kamui felt his irritation abate slightly as he strode into the bedroom. He dropped his bag, stripped down to his underwear and fell face first into bed. He felt the unnatural cold of the air conditioner on his skin and sighed in satisfaction. "Kamui?" Subaru asked, rather cautiously, his phone still against his ear.

"Hmm?" Kamui asked, his voice muffled. Subaru smiled affectionately as he shut the door and sat down next to him on the bed. He wanted to rub his back or stroke his hair, but knew he wouldn't be receptive until his body temperature had cooled sufficiently.

"Do you want to go to the beach the weekend after next?" Kamui looked up at once.

"What?" Subaru's smile widened.

"Sorata wants to know if we want to go to the beach the weekend after next." Kamui propped himself up on his forearms and looked over his shoulder at Subaru.

"Where, his grandfather's place?" Subaru repeated the question into the phone.

"Yes."

" _Hell_ the fuck yeah!"

"I guess that's a yes," Subaru told Sorata, and they both laughed.

"Yeah I heard! Sweet, this will be awesome. I've still gotta confirm times and what not, but Yuzuriha says Kusanagi might drive which would be amazing because taking the LIRR out there fucking sucks." Subaru laughed again.

"It'd be worth it," he replied. "I think we all need to get out of the city for a bit." He looked over at Kamui, who had gotten out of bed to hunch over the AC in the window.

"Fucking factual, bro," Sorata agreed emphatically. "It sucks we couldn't have gone out there while your sister was here, though," he continued, regretfully.

"Yeah that's true," Subaru agreed, sadly. Hokuto had left two weeks previously, and though Subaru missed her terribly, it was nowhere near as bad as when they'd said goodbye the first time. It also helped that they'd made plans for Subaru and Kamui to spend Christmas with her in Tokyo. "Next year though," he added, heartily.

"Word, absolutely!" Sorata replied. "Anyway, I'll text you guys when I know more details and stuff. Sorry to call you so late!" Kamui withdrew from the AC and flopped backwards into bed, his arms and legs splayed around him. Subaru watched his belly rise and fall with his breath.

"It's fine," Subaru assured Sorata. "We both got home late from work."

"No doubt, have a good rest of your night!"

"Yes, you too!" Subaru ended the call and replaced his phone on the bedside table. He lay down beside Kamui and ran his fingers tenderly up and down his chest. Kamui closed his eyes at the touch. "How was work?" Subaru asked, but Kamui just shrugged.

"It was whatever. How was your day?" Subaru rolled his eyes and placed a gentle kiss on Kamui's breastbone, making him shiver slightly.

"Ridiculous, truthfully. I have to go back tomorrow." Kamui gently cupped the side of his face, looking concerned.

"Why, what happened?" Again Subaru rolled his eyes.

"High school students-"

"Oh shit…" Subaru smiled appreciatively and rested his head against Kamui's chest.

"Yes, there's a group of friends who I guess decided to practice magic they found online. They're all amateurs, obviously, and couldn't be bothered to do more research or fact check." He sighed heavily and Kamui pulled him closer and kissed him on the top of the head.

"That's fucking stupid, especially considering here there's like, legit places where you can learn about this shit." Subaru sighed heavily again.

"Of course, and you know they kept casting spells and doing things until they got _something_ , even if they had no idea what was actually happening or if it was good or bad or what." Kamui rolled his eyes and rubbed Subaru's back. "Truly, it scares me that people will just take spells sat face value because they found it on someone's blog," he finished, exasperated, and looked up at Kamui.

"What will you have to do?" He asked. He knew Subaru could take care of himself, but it was hard not to be at least slightly concerned.

"I'm not sure yet. I still don't know exactly what they did, and all five of these kids are affected, so…" He shook his head. "I'll take care of it before we go to the beach, though." Kamui smiled, and Subaru kissed him. They broke apart and hesitated for a moment before going back for more. They kissed softly, gently, though Subaru's body was begging him to move faster. He climbed on top of Kamui and kissed him deeper, and Kamui gasped and thrust his hips upwards. Even as he got hard at the sensations, it was still uncomfortable in their room despite the AC, and Kamui was tired and sweaty from work, and even though he wanted it badly, he pulled away. "Are you okay?" Subaru asked, his eyes widening in concern. Kamui nodded.

"Yeah, I'm just, feeling really hot and gross." Subaru nodded and brushed Kamui's hair off his face.

"Do you want to just go to sleep?" He asked, disappointed but understanding. Kamui nodded.

"Is that cool?"

"Of course." Subaru rolled off of him to turn off the light on the bedside table. They fell asleep facing each other, hands clasped, the AC feebly blasting cold air over them and droning loudly in the darkness.

It was lucky that Subaru and Kamui had the beach trip to look forward to. The next ten days were even hotter, and though there had been a few thunderstorms, they only made the air steamier. Kamui had felt all his constant low key irritation simmer more and more vigorously, and Subaru had been working almost nonstop with the high school students practicing amateur magic. They'd still always wait up for each other, but they'd be too tired or too annoyed to do anything except go to sleep.

At last, the Friday morning of their departure arrived. It was clear and cloudless, but the sun blazed mercilessly overhead. Subaru and Kamui had gotten up early to pack, and it was already 90° by 10 AM. "That's how you know it's disgustingly hot, when fucking _90_ feels like a break," Kamui said, crossly, shoving clothes unceremoniously into his bag.

"Really," Subaru said from the opposite side of the bed. "We'll be at the beach soon, though!" Kamui made an impatient noise, but didn't reply. Subaru smiled softly, but said nothing else; he'd learned fairly quickly that trying to dissuade Kamui from a bad mood was a waste of time. He hesitated for a second, then pulled open the bedside table drawer. He extracted the condoms and lube they kept there and added them to his own bag. Kamui watched this out of the corner of his eye, his insides twisting in guilt and frustration. He hated that they'd had no time for each other. He zipped up his bag, then climbed up onto the bed. He approached Subaru on his knees and leaned his forehead against his chest. Subaru smiled affectionately and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear.

"Sorry," Kamui said, and he meant it. "I'm just hot."

"I know," Subaru replied, quietly, though he appreciated it. Kamui wrapped his arms around him and sighed heavily, holding him tight. Subaru rubbed his back and kissed him on the top of the head, inhaling the smell of his hair and feeling a slight shiver run through his body. Kamui looked up at Subaru as he gripped the back of his shirt. Subaru brought his hands to cup Kamui's face and pulled him into a kiss. Kamui moaned softly, his body lighting up at once. Subaru started to pull away but Kamui shoved his hands up his shirt, palming his smooth, soft skin. "How much time do we have?" Subaru asked, his voice suddenly heavy.

"Enough," Kamui breathed, dragging his fingers down Subaru's back. Subaru kissed him hard on the lips and thrust his tongue into his mouth. Kamui moaned appreciatively and rolled his hips forward in excitement.

"Lie down," Subaru groaned, between kisses. Kamui obeyed at once, his legs splaying open and a hot blush in his face and neck. Subaru bit his lip and exhaled slowly through his nose as he eyed Kamui's erection, constrained by his shorts. He climbed on top of him and kissed him deeply, grinding his hips down against him. Kamui moaned softly and wrapped one leg around Subaru's waist to pull him closer, the space between them hot with desire-

Then Kamui's cellphone rang, loud and jarring, on the bedside table. Subaru and Kamui broke apart and Kamui cried out in frustration. Subaru rolled off of Kamui so he could reach for his phone. "What?" He demanded.

"Good morning to you, too," Yuzuriha replied, and he could tell she was rolling her eyes.

"Sorry," he sighed. "Are you guys here?"

"Yup! And we're double parked so hurry the fuck up!"

"Yeah yeah, see you in a second." He ended the call and gave his phone a nasty look. "We have to go," he told Subaru, who smiled.

"Oh no, away for a weekend at the beach with your friends and your boyfriend, how awful!"

"Fuck off," Kamui snapped, though he was smiling too. He kissed Subaru, then got out of bed to shut off the AC. "Let's be out." They gathered their things and headed downstairs. Outside, the sun blazed overhead and steam seemed to be rising off the concrete as though the very air were simmering. A car horn sounded suddenly a little ways up the street and Kamui and Subaru looked around to see Yuzuriha waving at them out of the passenger window of a car with its hazards on.

"Over here!" Subaru and Kamui hurried over and opened the back door, revealing Sorata and Arashi in the middle row of seats.

"Took you long enough!" Sorata cried, grinning.

"Shut up," countered Kamui, wearily.

"Good morning!" Kusanagi called from the driver's seat. "Just throw all your stuff in the trunk, but be careful of the groceries." Sorata jumped out of the car to help as Kusanagi popped the trunk.

"You get in, I got this," Kamui told Subaru, who smiled and kissed him before climbing into the last row of seats.

"Fuck you being so cute," Sorata told Kamui, helping him load up the trunk. Kamui replied with a rude hand gesture and slammed the trunk shut, then he and Sorata climbed back into the car.

"Is this your car, Kusanagi?" Subaru asked, curiously as Kamui settled himself beside him and put on his seatbelt.

"Nah, I just rented it for this weekend. Yuzuriha was talking about taking the train and-"

"Yeah, fuck that," Kamui agreed. "Thanks for driving."

"It's no problem! All right is everybody strapped in? Let's go!" He accelerated and immediately made a sharp left turn onto 2nd Avenue. Yuzuriha turned up the radio, which was tuned to a classic rock station, and Sorata cried out excitedly behind her.

"Dude, good song!"

"You're such an old man, Sorata," Yuzuriha giggled, watching him playing an invisible guitar enthusiastically. Kusanagi burst out laughing.

"And how's that supposed to make me feel?" He asked, driving them further and further southeast.

"Sorry," she replied, not sounding the least bit sincere.

"No Chill Nekoi," Kamui interjected from the backseat. Everyone swiveled around to stare at him.

"Um, _pot_ , have you met _kettle_?" Yuzuriha asked incredulously.

"The fuck you mean?!" Demanded Kamui, outraged.

"Subaru, do something!" Yuzuriha implored him, but Subaru just sighed.

"I pick my battles, okay?" He replied.

"God me too," Arashi told him, and they exchanged a nod of solidarity.

"You guys suck," Kamui said, crossly, but he leaned against Subaru's shoulder and took his hand anyway. They inched further and further across Delancey Street, then crossed the Williamsburg Bridge. Manhattan and Brooklyn were covered in a dirty, shimmering heat haze, and Kamui was grateful to be cocooned in the cool interior of the car. He held Subaru's hand in both his own and pressed his thumbs into it, feeling the smooth skin and flexible joints. The conversation continued around him, easy and energetic.

"So this is your grandfather's house we're going to, Sorata?" Asked Kusanagi, exiting the BQE to get on the LIE.

"Yeah! He's an astronomer, so he needs to be someplace where he can actually see stars." Subaru and Kamui exchanged a soft smile. "He teaches at this private school out on Long Island but he's all over the place. This weekend he's at a conference in the city, so yeah."

"That's cool! Can you identify planets and constellations?" Kusanagi asked.

"I remember some stuff but like, I heard it all so much growing up I tried to block it out," he replied, and everyone laughed. Outside, the highway was now lined with trees rather than ugly converted warehouses, and Kamui looked out eagerly. He so rarely left the city these days, he felt like he was entering some kind of parallel universe. Growing up, his mother would take him somewhere with Saya and Kotori every summer, usually upstate. She always said how good it was for him, and he had to agree, especially as the trips became fewer and farther between after Saya and Kotori's accident. He looked over at Subaru, who was also watching the views outside become wilder and wilder, and gave his hand another squeeze.

After a few hours, they pulled off the highway and onto some state road, lined with large, old-fashioned houses. They turned corner after corner onto smaller and smaller streets, eventually finding themselves on a road that ran parallel to the beach. There was a collective, "Ooh!"

"Almost there!" Kusanagai informed them. They passed smaller, newer houses with large porches, at last pulling into the gravel driveway of Sorata's grandfather's house. The second Kusanagi turned off the car, Sorata threw his door open and jumped out joyfully. Arashi followed, watching him with a deeply affectionate smile on her face. "Trunk's open!" Kusanagi called as everyone else clambered out of the car too. Kamui stood in the driveway facing the ocean, his eyes closed. He inhaled deeply. The salt in the air both stirred him up and planted the seeds of great contentment. It wasn't nearly as hot here, and an insistent sea breeze kept the air constantly moving. Subaru came to stand behind him and wrapped his arms around him.

"Better?" He asked, nuzzling into Kamui's neck, and he sighed contentedly.

"Yeah." Subaru kissed him right behind the ear.

"Let's go help them unload the car." Kamui nodded and Subaru withdrew his arms. He was pleased to see Kamui in a better mood as well as to be feeling better himself. However, he did feel a dull ache in his chest watching Kusanagi joking around with Sorata and Arashi, easy and excited with his girlfriend's friends despite their age difference. He had wanted to admire Yuzuriha's courage in inviting him, but now realized she had nothing to worry about.

He felt the grief bubble in his chest expand, then burst softly and painfully as he reflected that Seishiro would never have done this. If he had, he would have just made everything tense and awkward anyway. Subaru sighed heavily, waiting patiently for the bitter feelings to abate. He made to pick up his and Kamui's bags, but Kamui beat him to it, so he reached for a bag of groceries instead. Although Seishiro was usually the last thing on Subaru's mind, he'd sometimes appear this way, suddenly and sharply as resentment and shame in his chest. At first, Subaru had tried to resist and shut them down, but now he knew it was best to just let the emotions come, then leave again. He knew, eventually, they'd stop.

"Missy could you get my keys out of my pocket?" Sorata asked, his arms full of stuff. Arashi did so as Kusanagi slammed the trunk shut and everyone approached the front door.

"You okay?" Kamui asked, quietly. Subaru nodded.

"I'm fine, don't worry." Kamui understood and kissed him on the cheek. Arashi unlocked the door and everyone followed her inside. They found themselves in combined kitchen and living room, small but airy, with a tile floor and sliding glass doors on the opposite wall that opened out onto a deck overlooking the sparkling ocean. "This house is beautiful," Subaru told Sorata, placing his bag of groceries on the counter and looking around eagerly.

"Really, this is great," Kusanagi agreed. Sorata shrugged, putting groceries into the refrigerator.

"Thanks, but all credit to the old man."

"I'll take our stuff upstairs," Arashi told him, kissing him before picking up their bags.

"Thanks, um," Sorata looked around at everyone else. "Kamui, Yuzuriha, if you guys are cool with the same rooms you had last year, go for it." They looked at each other, then shrugged.

"That's cool," Kamui said. "I'll show you." Subaru nodded, and followed him down a short hallway. Kamui opened a door to their left, and they entered a small, airy guestroom. Sunlight poured in through the windows on the opposite wall out of which they could see the ocean. Kamui dropped their bags onto the floor, then fell backwards into bed, staring up at the ceiling fan. He closed his eyes, suddenly remembering coming here last year. He'd asked Fuuma for the weekend off, saying he was going to the beach with friends.

"Fun," Fuuma had said, leaning over his counter. "Do you want extra supplies? I have this really nice exotic right now…" Kamui opened his eyes and watched Subaru unpack. It seemed incredible that offering extra drugs had once felt like an expression of love. It was rather shameful in hindsight, but it was also gratifying to think how much had changed.

"Subaru?" He looked up from Kamui's t-shirt he was refolding so it was actually neat.

"What's up?"

"Come here," he said, reaching out. Subaru smiled, placed the shirt on the bed and lay down next to him. Kamui kissed him softly on the lips. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too." They kissed again.

"You should close the door," Kamui breathed.

"Really?" Subaru asked, remembering where they'd been before getting interrupted that morning. Kamui gave him one last kiss, also remembering and feeling an excited shiver run through his body.

"Mmhmm." Subaru jumped up, shut the door quietly and climbed back on top of Kamui, kissing him deeply and shoving his hands up his shirt. Kamui let out a moan of satisfaction, arching into the touches, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his tongue into his mouth. Subaru started to grind his hips against Kamui, both of them already so hard and-

"Kamui! Subaru!" Followed by a knock at the door. Subaru scrambled off of Kamui, but Sorata just called through the closed door, "We're all getting ready to head down to the beach!"

"Okay, we'll be right there!" Subaru assured him. They heard Sorata retreat and Subaru ran his fingers through his hair. Kamui rolled over, his face in the blankets and groaned in frustration. Subaru smiled and rubbed circles on his back.

"Come on," he said, coaxingly, moving Kamui's hair aside to kiss the back of his neck. "Let's go swim." Kamui grunted in agreement and got out of bed. There was a large wardrobe facing the foot of the bed with a mirror in one of the doors. Kamui stood in front of it, applying sunscreen. For a moment, Subaru watched his hands caress his face, neck, shoulders and chest, but then had to look away.

"I like how this mirror is facing the bed," Kamui said, thoughtfully.

"Is that why you picked this room?" Subaru asked, flushing slightly and still not looking at Kamui, who laughed.

"Nah, this is new." They finished getting ready and headed back into the living room. Sorata, Arashi, Yuzuriha and Kusanagi were there waiting, looking excited.

"We're good?" Sorata asked the room at large, and everyone nodded. "Sweet, let's be out!" He picked up the beach umbrella next to the kitchen counter and slung it over his shoulder. He pulled open the sliding glass door and they followed him out onto the deck and down a short path that wound between sand dunes. "Here!" Sorata stopped abruptly and plunged the umbrella into the sand. Subaru and Kusanagi put down all they were carrying to help while Yuzuriha and Arashi spread blankets and towels underneath. Kamui stood facing the ocean with his arms spread wide and eyes closed.

"Kamui! Let's go in!" Came Yuzuriha's voice suddenly from right behind him.

"Huh? Ow!" She pinched his side, then sprinted away before he could retaliate. "I hate you!" He cried, chasing after her. Yuzuriha shrieked in excitement as waves crashed against them, smacking into their thighs and nearly taking their legs out from under them. Kamui threw himself backwards into the ocean and stayed under for a few seconds, suspended, at the mercy of the water, the chill and force draining his body of all tension. He came back up, laughing and shaking his hair out of his eyes.

"THIS FEELS AMAZING!" Yuzuriha cried ecstatically, throwing her arms up over her head.

"Dude seriously this is exactly what I needed," Kamui agreed, falling back into the water. "It's so fucking hot in our apartment the water in our kitchen sink comes out hot and not as hot."

" _Our_ apartment, _our_ sink…" Yuzuriha giggled, swimming in a circle around Kamui.

"Shut up!" He snapped, splashing her, though he was grinning of course.

"Ah! Don't splash me!"

"Don't talk shit then!"

" _Excuse_ me?!"

Up under the umbrella, Subaru and Arashi were reclined on beach chairs with Kusanagi beside them, watching Kamui and Yuzuriha with deeply affectionate looks on their faces. "Are you guys coming in?" Demanded Sorata, looking wildly excited.

"In a second, you go ahead," Arashi replied, and he kissed her before sprinting into the ocean. At once, Kamui and Yuzuriha tackled him and he fell into the waves. Kusanagi laughed appreciatively.

"Getting thrown around by the ocean is so good for you," he said.

"True, it keeps you humble," Subaru agreed. They watched Kamui get knocked over backwards and wash up on the beach while Yuzuriha pointed and laughed. "I haven't been to the beach in so long!"

"Same here, I was too busy working the last few summers," Kusanagi replied.

"Well we come here every year, so you can both make up for it," Arashi told them, warmly, and they smiled at each other, newcomers to the traditions of the people they loved. "Oh no…" Arashi said, suddenly, breaking the moment. Sorata, Kamui and Yuzuriha were running back from the ocean, soaking wet and gasping for breath.

"Missy, come here!" Sorata cried, his arms outstretched.

"Sorata I will _kill_ you!"

"No! Please! I love you!" Arashi screamed, sprang up out of her chair and ran from Sorata, her long hair rippling out behind her. Yuzuriha tried to jump on Kusanagi, but he caught her by the shoulders and held her at arm's length. Though she continued to struggle, keeping her at bay seemed to be costing him no effort at all.

"Kamui, don't-" but Kamui had already climbed into Subaru's lap, curling up like a cat and burying his face in his neck. "You're freezing!" Subaru cried, through his laugher.

"Nah I'm fine! It feels _so_ good, you have to come in with me!" Kamui replied, looking up at Subaru, his face shining.

"I will, I promise." A sudden scream cut through the air as Kusanagi took his hands away from Yuzuriha's shoulders. She fell forward, but he caught her before she could actually go anywhere and pulled her close.

"You okay?" He asked her, his arm muscles bulging protectively.

"Of course!" She giggled. Arashi returned to the umbrella, having successfully evaded Sorata.

"See? It's not so bad!" He told her, and she threw him a dirty look.

"We knocked your ass over," Kamui reminded him from Subaru's arms. "She just doesn't want to catch the shame!" Arashi snorted with laughter.

"Says the guy who got wrecked by that tiny fucking wave," Sorata countered.

"Yo I dove under it, fuck outta here!" Sorata let out a sharp, contemptuous laugh.

"Yeah that's why you washed up on the beach with your legs up over your head?"

"Come on, Sorata, that's Kamui's favorite position!" Yuzuriha interjected, and everyone laughed. Kamui extricated himself from Subaru's arms and gave her a look of grudging respect before turning to face Sorata.

"Fuck that, the ocean can't do shit, it's more worthless than you!" Sorata raised his eyebrows.

"Word?"

"The ocean and Sorata Arisugawa!" Kamui proclaimed, spreading his arms wide. "Try to get in my face and get their shit destroyed!"

"I'll give you five seconds to take that back," Sorata replied, very seriously.

"Only good for cooking and getting put in his place, seems fucking legit," Kamui answered. Sorata lunged forward, seized Kamui around the waist and threw him over his shoulder. Kamui cried out and struggled, his arms and legs flailing.

"Say you're sorry," Sorata told him, his expression deadly serious.

"No!" Yuzuriha cheered, Kusanagi laughed and Subaru and Arashi seemed caught between amusement and horror, their hands over their mouths.

"Sorata be careful!" Arashi cried.

"Really? That's all I'm good for, you punk ass?"

"You wanna intervene, or…?" Kusanagi asked Subaru, who just shook his head.

"Say you're sorry!"

"No!" Sorata sighed heavily, then grinned around at their friends before turning sharply and walking resolutely back towards the ocean. "Ah! No! Fuck you put me down!" Kamui cried, struggling pointlessly. "Subaru!" Subaru looked up at Kamui, then shrugged. Yuzuriha, Arashi and Kusanagi burst out laughing.

" _Ice_ cold!" Kusanagi said, appreciatively.

"Seriously I _felt_ that!" Yuzuriha cried, clutching her sides. "Oh my god Subaru I'm so glad you're here!" Subaru flushed slightly and shook his head.

"Come on," he said, getting to his feet. "Let's go watch." Yuzuriha, Kusanagi and Arashi followed him down to the ocean. As they splashed into the water, Sorata slammed Kamui into an oncoming wave. They all watched Kamui scramble to reemerge and get his wits about him.

"Like I said, you ain't shit," Kamui informed Sorata, shaking his wet hair out of his eyes. "Even with your freak hulk strength you can't do nothing." Without saying a word, Sorata picked up Kamui again and suplexed him into another wave.

"For goodness sake, Sorata!" Arashi sighed as she and Subaru waded deeper into the water in case Kamui needed help getting up. Of course, he was fine, emerging from under the surf seconds later.

" _Dude_! You hit me in the SAME EXACT PLACE!" He moaned, grabbing onto his back and staggering over to Subaru.

"Good," Sorata replied, indifferently, falling backwards into the ocean. Arashi rolled her eyes and dove gracefully under a wave. Yuzuriha jumped onto Kusanagi's back and he charged into the water.

"Are you okay?" Subaru asked, his arms around Kamui.

"Of course I am," he replied, rolling his eyes. "But like, fuck you, Sorata!"

"Blow me, Kamui!"

"You wish!" They spent the next few hours in the ocean, splashing, swimming and play fighting. Eventually, Kusanagi and Yuzuriha got out to go for a walk along the beach and Sorata and Arashi returned to the umbrella to dry off and warm up. Kamui and Subaru remained in the water, going far out where the waves weren't crashing. Kamui jumped into Subaru's arms and wrapped his legs around his waist. Subaru held up him close, the ocean supporting both of them.

"Are you having fun?" Kamui asked.

"Of course, this is wonderful!" Kamui kissed him, tasting saltwater on his lips. A shiver of excitement ran through both of them and Subaru dug his fingers into Kamui's thighs. The water continued to push and pull them as they moved in for another kiss and Subaru sucked on Kamui's lower lip, making him gasp and roll his hips forward. He kissed Subaru deeply, thrusting his tongue into his mouth as heat rushed between his legs. Subaru groaned softly, moving Kamui up and down to create a gentle, teasing friction. Kamui gasped, his stomach muscles pulling in and up as he kissed Subaru even harder. At last, they broke apart, their foreheads touching. Kamui drew his hand down and cupped Subaru's erection through his bathing suit.

"You're so hard," he breathed, feeling his own erection twitch in excitement.

"I know," Subaru gasped, his face flushed as he held tight to Kamui, who hesitated, then looked over towards the beach, but their friends all seemed to be occupied.

"Let me jerk you off," he whispered, very quietly.

"Right now?" Subaru asked in a soft groan, thrusting his hips forward excitedly.

"Yeah," Kamui replied, continuing to tease him. Subaru bit his lip, but nodded, fresh heat rushing between his legs. Kamui smiled a seductive smile and slipped his hand into Subaru's bathing suit. Subaru stifled his small cry by kissing Kamui, feeling him start to work his erection. Kamui knew a rush of excitement and smiled into their kiss, pleasing Subaru in fast strokes. It was hard to maintain a firm grip and good friction under the water, but Subaru continued to thrust his hips into the sensations with more soft groans. He pulled out of their kiss and buried his face in Kamui's neck, still holding tight to his thighs. "Does this feel good?" Kamui asked, his voice slightly constricted as Subaru began to kiss his neck.

"Yes," Subaru breathed. Holding tight to Kamui with one hand, Subaru brought the other around to take hold of his erection. Kamui cried out softly and kissed him full on the lips. They worked each other faster, they didn't have much time, but this was so good they wouldn't need it, and-

"Kamui! Subaru!" They broke apart and Kamui let out another frustrated cry as he looked around.

"What?!" He demanded, only to see their friends splashing back into the water. Subaru let go of Kamui at once and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down.

"What's with you?" Yuzuriha asked.

"Yeah seriously, fix your face," Sorata added.

"Shut up," snapped Kamui, still rather flushed. He dove under an oncoming wave, trying to regain control of himself. Subaru smiled rather apologetically, but he couldn't help but feel frustrated.

"The ocean's salty, but not as salty as Kamui's punk ass," Sorata said, sagely when Kamui reappeared above the water.

"You can't blame him, you did choke slam him into a wave," Yuzuriha said, thoughtfully.

"That wasn't a choke slam, it was a suplex," Kusanagi interjected, wisely. Everyone laughed, even Kamui, and Sorata brofisted Kusanagi.

"My dude," he said, appreciatively.

"Yeah, _this_ is a choke slam," Kusanagi continued, seizing Sorata and demonstrating the move. Kamui and Yuzuriha burst out laughing and Arashi and Subaru hurried over to Sorata as he reappeared above the waves. He threw his arms up over his head, a grin on his face.

"I'm cool!" he announced.

"Dead ass though I want a loop of that as my cellphone background!" Kamui said, his expression uplifted.

"Don't," Arashi said preemptively to Sorata, though she was smiling too. They played in the ocean for the rest of the afternoon, not calling it a day until the sun hung low in the sky and the waves began to settle. They crawled slowly back to shore and up to their things, not talking much and feeling pleasantly exhausted. Kamui put his arm around Subaru as they traipsed back to the house, feeling rather wobbly now he was back on dry land. Subaru felt deeply satisfied and alive, his body still tingling from the waves and the saltwater and from everything he and Kamui had done earlier.

"So, rinse off and make dinner?" Kusanagi asked as they stepped up onto the deck.

"Yeah that's perfect," Sorata replied. "Just don't track too much sand into the house, the old man gets tight about that." The living room seemed dark and shadowy after the brightness outside, but the tile felt pleasantly cool on the soles of their feet as they returned to their rooms.

Kamui hung his and Subaru's wet towels on the back of the door and dug for fresh ones inside the wardrobe facing the bed. Subaru shut the door, and Kamui approached him. "What's up?" He asked, gently touching Kamui's arm. Kamui sighed, stepped toward him and buried his face in his neck. Subaru wrapped his arms around him and pressed his lips tenderly against his shoulder, inhaling sunlight and saltwater. Kamui took a deep breath in, his body igniting as Subaru moved his lips, teeth and tongue up the warm wet skin of his shoulder and neck. "You taste like the ocean," Subaru breathed, and Kamui moaned softly. He pulled away, kissed Subaru on the lips, then rested his forehead against his. "Worried we'll be interrupted?" Subaru asked quietly, and Kamui laughed softly.

"A little." Subaru laughed softly too.

"Should we just go rinse off?" Kamui nodded.

"Later, though," he said, and they exchanged a look.

A half hour later, they rejoined their friends on the deck. Sorata and Kusanagi were hovering around the grill, talking very seriously about technique, while Yuzuriha and Arashi were seated at the table, chopping vegetables. "There you are, get your ass over here," Sorata told Kamui, who rolled his eyes but made his way over. Subaru sat down beside Arashi and picked up a spare knife to help. A deep contentment had settled over them as the sun sank lower and lower towards the horizon and the conversation was light and easy. The tide came in and the ocean glittered in the soft, orange sunset. The air smelled of saltwater, charcoal smoke and grilling meet, fish and vegetables. Yuzuriha went inside to get drinks and her cellphone, then darted about taking photos.

"Subaru, smile!"

"What?" Yuzuriha grinned.

"It's perfect, I'm sending this to Hokuto right now!"

"Let me see!" Kamui interjected, abandoning the grill and running over, spatula in hand. Yuzuriha showed Kamui the picture, of Subaru looking up at the camera, innocently confused. She and Kamui laughed affectionately. "Fucking perfect," he agreed, kissing Subaru on the lips, and they held each other's gaze a moment.

"You got a lot of sun today," Subaru said, quietly.

"That's another one I'm sending to Hokuto," Yuzuriha giggled, and Kamui rolled his eyes as he returned to Kusanagi and Sorata. Shortly after, dinner was ready, and everyone took their places around the table, plates piled high with food and drinks in hand.

"Cheers, guys," Sorata said, raising his beer. "Thanks for coming all the way out here, this is fucking great!" They clinked their drinks together, then began to eat. Dinner was mostly quiet; the food was delicious and they were all particularly hungry after getting thrown around by the ocean all day. The sky darkened to a deep, rich blue as they cleaned up their dishes, then returned to the deck for more drinks. Stars began to bloom, glittering and beautiful overhead. Kamui squinted up at them curiously, though he had no real idea what he was looking for. "It's too early to see the Pleiades," Sorata told him, quietly, across the table. Kamui was about to respond, but Subaru put his arm around him and kissed him on the side of the head.

"What can we see right now?" Arashi asked, looking curiously up at the sky.

"There's Orion," Kusanagi said, pointing. "You can also see the Big Dipper, but that's all I know."

"You know your shit," Sorata said, impressed, and Kusanagi laughed.

"A friend of mine from the Academy," he replied, and the conversation continued, quiet and curious. Kamui really wanted to leave the table, but knew he'd have to stick it out. Beside him, Subaru was stroking his hair and gently nuzzling him behind the ear. He also wanted to return to their room, to have the rest of the night alone with Kamui, and these last few minutes were the most agonizing.

"What are we doing tomorrow?" Arashi asked, after a while.

"You promised we'd build a bonfire this year," Yuzuriha reminded Sorata.

"I did say that," he conceded, yawning and stretching.

"Are you tired?" Arashi asked, and he nodded.

"Yeah I'm about ready to call it a night, especially if we're digging a fire pit tomorrow."

"Me too," Kamui interjected, praying he didn't sound as eager as he felt. He looked to Subaru, who nodded, smiling softly. They all headed back inside.

"Good night!" Sorata said, smiling. He then put his arm around Arashi and they headed back upstairs.

"Sweet dreams," Yuzuriha said, grinning, before taking Kusanagi's hand and pulling him to the other guest room at the opposite end of the hallway. Subaru and Kamui looked at each other, then hurried back to their room. Subaru closed the door tightly and they waited for the sounds of two bedroom doors closing over the ceiling fan and the ocean. Finally, they heard the blessed sound in the distance and grabbed onto each other, kissing passionately in the moonlight.

"I want you," Kamui gasped, between kisses, and Subaru groaned softly as he slipped his hand into his shorts to grip his erection. Kamui gasped softly and held tight to Subaru, thrusting his hips forward into the sensations.

"How do you want it?" Subaru asked in a low voice, moving his thumb in a slow circle around the tip of his erection. A deep shiver ran through Kamui's body as he pulled away to look Subaru in the face. Desire rose up in both of them, heating up the space between them.

"I want it from behind," Kamui told Subaru, quietly commanding, and Subaru bit his lip. "And I want you to fuck me hard." Subaru blushed deeply even as the words sent shocks of pleasure through his body. "Give me what we've wanted all fucking day," he finished, groaning softly. Subaru nodded, still moving his hand slowly up and down Kamui's erection.

"Will you do something for me, then?" He asked, his voice low and seductive.

"Anything."

"Can we be turned towards the mirror? So I can see your face?" Kamui cried out, his heart skipping and erection throbbing.

"Yes!" Subaru kissed Kamui full on the lips, and they continued for a few more glorious seconds as they stripped each other naked. Eventually, they broke apart, and Kamui climbed into bed, facing the mirror on his hands and knees, the breeze from the ceiling fan cool on his back. He watched Subaru get a condom and lube out of his bag. The moonlight pouring in through the windows shown on his pale skin, illuminating every curve of his body in the blue-black light. He took his place behind Kamui, and they both looked at themselves in the mirror, then blushed furiously. Subaru bent over Kamui and began kissing the back of his neck and shoulders. Kamui moaned softly and grabbed onto the bed sheets, tendrils of pleasure moving outwards from Subaru's kisses. He tried to look at himself in the mirror, but found it was far easier to just keep his eyes closed and enjoy.

Subaru inhaled deeply and exhaled in a soft moan, smelling Kamui's hair and tasting his skin. He moved his lips down his spine, kissing each of the vertebrae, then wrapped his arms around him and dragged his hands down his chest. Kamui groaned softly. He wanted desperately for Subaru to keep going; these light, teasing touches were enough to drive him crazy! Subaru rubbed the side of his face tenderly into the deep curve of Kamui's lower back before giving him one last kiss and straightening up. He reached for the lube, squeezed some onto his fingers and pressed them up against Kamui. "Is this okay?" He asked, his voice heavy and needy, rubbing his first two fingers in a slow, though deliberate circle.

"Yes," Kamui moaned, pressing his hips backwards into the sensation. Subaru watched Kamui's face in the mirror as he pressed his fingers inside, watched his eyes close and mouth fall open in excitement. His breath caught in his chest and he bit his lip, moving his fingers in and out, watching Kamui arch and curl his back, looking desperately for more friction. He brought his other hand to Kamui's hip, holding him in place, then moved his fingers faster, stretching and exploring. "O- _oh_ god!" Kamui moaned, opening his eyes to watch Subaru in the mirror as he threw his head back with a soft groan. Hot, fresh arousal surged through both of them; how excited they could make each other was always _such_ a turn on.

Subaru spread his fingers, then moved them faster, finding what he was looking for at once. Kamui fell forward onto his forearms, arching deeply into the feeling with a long, hard moan. Breathing heavily, Subaru teased his sweet spot mercilessly and Kamui's toes curled, pleasure coursing outwards from deep inside him. Subaru watched Kamui in the mirror as he gripped his hip and moved his fingers even faster, listening to his string of incoherent moans and swear words. He managed to clamber back up onto his hands, and they locked eyes with each other's reflections, both so desperate and needy. "I want it," Kamui moaned, his voice dripping with longing. Subaru felt all the muscles in his body seize up in an a sudden, desirous spasm, then release, his erection throbbing almost painfully. He didn't trust himself to speak, so he nodded and withdrew his fingers. He slid on the condom and lubed himself up as Kamui spread his legs, a deep arch in his back. Subaru held tight to Kamui's hip with one hand and guided his erection into place with the other.

"Ready?" He asked, softly desperate.

"Yes!" Kamui cried, rather impatiently.

"Watch," Subaru said, and they both looked up at the mirror as Subaru began to press slowly, carefully, inside. Kamui exhaled sharply and gripped the bed sheets with his fists, his eyes glued to Subaru's reflection. Subaru dug his fingernails into Kamui's hip and let out a low groan, waiting, his heart and erection throbbing with every passing second.

"Keep going," Kamui said, relaxing easily. Still slowly, Subaru pushed further and further in, centimeter by centimeter, always waiting for Kamui's "okay." At last he was completely sheathed inside. He collapsed onto Kamui's back, wrapped his arms tight around him and kissed the soft skin between his shoulder blades. Kamui was breathing deeply, feeling fulfilled as he couldn't be by anything else. He wanted Subaru to move, but feeling his chest against his back, breath behind his ears, arms around him in a loving embrace, erection deep inside him… He could have stayed there all night. He opened his eyes and looked up at his reflection, feeling excited by his own, deeply aroused expression. "Fuck me," he moaned, softly, his entire body shivering in anticipation.

"Okay…" Subaru kissed him right between his shoulder blades, then straightened up. Grabbing onto Kamui's hips with both hands, he pulled out slowly, then looked up at his own reflection, powerful, aroused and needy, and thrust back inside. Kamui cried out sharply, the sensations echoing through his body as Subaru repeated the move.

"Yes!" He cried out, feeling Subaru dig his fingernails into his hips. "Go faster!"

"That's what you want?"

"God _yes_!" Subaru exhaled sharply, pulled out and thrust back in, over and over again, moving much faster this time. He threw his head back in a deep, ecstatic groan, the heat, pressure and friction sending powerful waves of pleasure through every nerve of his body. He kept looking down, at what he was doing to Kamui, at Kamui's rapturous expression in the mirror, or his own. "Go deeper!" Kamui begged, feeling like he was in heaven, pleasure forcing out all other tension or sensation from his body. He pressed his hips back against Subaru, and he changed his angle slightly on his next thrust. Kamui seized up around him and moaned harder than ever, his hands shaking as he gripped the bed sheets. " _Oh_ god- Yes!" He moaned, his body on fire and mind spinning. "Harder!" His insides throbbed and his erection pulsed with need. " _Harder_!"

The words sent an entirely new heat surging through Subaru's body and he let out a hard, needy moan as he moved faster still. He thrust deep and hard into Kamui, never losing that incredible angle, the friction and pressure around his erection making him feel lightheaded. Kamui's arms were shaking so badly he collapsed again onto his forearms, moaning and swearing with no idea what he was actually saying. The rest of the world was melting away; all that was real was him and Subaru and how good they were making each other feel.

Subaru could feel Kamui shivering, feel him tensing and releasing around him. He knew he was close, they were both close. He usually liked to draw it out, but after being denied so much… He wrapped his arms around Kamui and lifted him up so his back was against his chest. Kamui cried out as Subaru grabbed the side of his face and pulled him into a kiss. He moaned into Subaru's mouth, grinding his hips back against him, looking desperately for more friction. Subaru moaned into their kiss and dragged his fingernails across Kamui's chest, discharging his sudden surge of need. Kamui pulled away with another deep moan, shivering in Subaru's arms. "What do you want?" Subaru breathed, his voice constricted, digging his fingernails into Kamui's chest again, making him groan as his erection throbbed desperately.

"Make me come, Subaru," he groaned, his face the picture of need. Subaru exhaled sharply as he reached down and took hold of his erection. Kamui stiffened in his arms and arched deeply into his lower back. "Yes!" Subaru kissed him again with another deep groan, shoving his tongue into his mouth. They broke apart, gasping and shuddering. Subaru looked forward, still stroking Kamui's erection, and Kamui followed his gaze. They stared at themselves in the mirror, Subaru deep inside Kamui, arms around him, pleasing him, Kamui's expression lustful and desperate and profoundly seductive. "I'm so close," he moaned, staring his reflection in the face. A violent shiver ran through Subaru's body as he watched himself in the mirror.

"How do you want it?" He breathed, and Kamui shuddered.

"Fuck me," he moaned, his voice oozing desire. Without thinking, Subaru let go of his erection and pushed Kamui back down onto the bed. He came to rest on his forearms, a deep arch in his back. Subaru brought his hands to his hips again, pulled out slowly, then thrust back inside, deep and hard. Kamui cried out as Subaru immediately found the angle that was making both of them so crazy. Once again the world seemed to be melting away: nothing existed except for each other and how good everything felt, the need that had been simmering inside them finally getting released.

Kamui was holding so tight to the bed sheets his knuckles were white, watching Subaru fuck him in the mirror, moaning and crying out, begging and swearing. Blood pounded in his ears as the pressure between his legs built to the bursting point, pleasure seizing hold of his entire body. "I'm gonna come!" He cried, suddenly, and then his mind went completely and gloriously blank as he came, _so_ hard, all over the sheets. His chest heaved as he fell forward, his orgasm sending waves of pleasure crashing through his body. He couldn't think, he couldn't even move, his body was too heavy.

Subaru watched all of this in the mirror, and it was one of the most exciting things he had ever seen. He had paused to give Kamui a moment to recover, but it was taking all of his self-control. At last, Kamui managed to look over his shoulder at Subaru, his face burning, hair a mess, mouth open and eyes glazed with satisfaction. They locked eyes, and Subaru felt an entirely new surge of pleasure. It was way too much.

He gripped Kamui's hips almost painfully hard; he could barely hold him steady he was so shaky. He pulled out and with a few, deep thrusts, came _hard_ inside Kamui. Subaru's entire body shook with the force of it as he threw his head back in sheer ecstasy, moaning _so_ hard. His heart hammered against his ribs as he thrust weakly into Kamui a few more times, draining himself completely before collapsing on top of him. All the pressure inside him was gone, replaced by light, satisfied space. "God, Kamui…" He moaned, quietly, nuzzling into the back of his neck and wrapping his arms around him. They stayed that way for a long time, until finally the rest of the world started to come back into focus, beginning with the soothing whir of the ceiling fan and the ocean waves crashing in the distance.

"That was _amazing_ ," Kamui breathed, his words slurring slightly and voice heavy with satisfaction. Eventually, Subaru managed to straighten up. He pulled out with a soft gasp and Kamui rolled over onto his side, spent and speechless, watching Subaru clean up in the moonlight. Subaru returned to bed and Kamui crawled into his arms and buried his face in his neck. Subaru held him tight, feeling a sudden wave of emotion as he rubbed his face in his hair. "I love you," Kamui breathed, his eyes half closed.

"I love you too," Subaru whispered. His heart still skipped when he said it. Kamui shifted slightly in his arms.

"You fuck me so good," he said. Subaru blushed deeply, though he felt the praise in his whole body.

"Good," he replied, rather sheepishly. A few moments passed under the soft breeze of the fan, then Kamui disentangled himself from Subaru's arms and kissed him on the lips.

"Come with me, I want to show you something." Subaru smiled at Kamui, his face eager in the moonlight. He tucked his hair tenderly behind his ear, then nodded. They got out of bed and redressed rather clumsily. Kamui took Subaru's hand and led him out into the hallway. It was pitch dark there, but the moonlight poured into the living room from the sliding glass doors, casting long, spidery shadows across the tile floor. Being as quiet as possible, Kamui slid the glass door open and he and Subaru stepped out onto the deck. The ocean crashed in the distance and the sand dunes seemed to whisper in a soft, salty night breeze. Kamui gave Subaru's hand a squeeze and looked up. Subaru followed his gaze, and a smile of deep, genuine happiness spread across his face.

"My wish has finally come true," he said, pulling Kamui into his arms and staring wide eyed up at the sky. Kamui held tight to Subaru, feeling deeply connected under the vast sea of stars. "You know," Subaru said, thoughtfully, after a few minutes. "When you see all the stars this way, it's really not so surprising people used to think the Earth was the center of the universe." Kamui's chest constricted painfully. He said nothing, but continued to stare hard at Subaru. "What?" He asked, meeting his gaze.

"Nothing, I just fucking love you," Kamui replied, his voice constricted now. Subaru flushed deeply and pulled Kamui closer to him.

"I love you too." They breathed deeply into each other, feeling and listening. "Do you mind if we stay out here for a while?" Subaru asked, tentatively. Kamui kissed Subaru tenderly on the neck.

"We can stay out here all night."

* * *

Thank you all SO much for reading!

 **I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!**


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